The Darkness XXII

It's funny how the picture changes when you are able to reframe it.  Maybe others didn't force me into a box to behave a certain way, maybe I did it to myself as a way to blend in; to hide the shame, fear and embarrassment.  If I put the little girl in the box then perhaps I can let her out; maybe I hold the key but still fear what I'll let out into the open if I do set her free.  They say if you face your fears then you are free of them but I call bullshit on that, I fly all the time and still throw up before every flight.  I have rode several roller coasters and still feel the anxiety in lines as I wait my turn and I still am terrified to swim in the ocean even after being in so much of it.  That little girl represents so much of who I was, dreamed about and the demons that float around and scare me into submission.  If I let her out then I have no one left to blame and if I keep her confined then I have no life left to live...not of quality anyway.  I need her in order to cross the bridge, to be happy and to see a future for myself.  I want her to free because it's the only way that I can be free and move past the nightmares and hurt.  Imagine spending decades latching onto relationships and hoping that one would fill the void and make you feel whole and the entire time that person was locked away inside you with all of your dreams waiting to do just that...

The Darkness XXI

I didn't count the towns this time on my way home; instead I got brave and decided to venture back into my own head.  I remember being completely fed up with trying to fit in with the people around me only a few months ago.  Wanting a change, wanting to break free of my shame and embarrassment...wanting to be free of my darkness.  Thinking I was trapped by other's views and wondering if I was going to have my own life.  Scared to change, terrified to tell anyone and slowly sliding into madness and a state of nothingness.  Do people live like this?  Are they okay watching the days turn to nights and everyday looking exactly like the last.  How can we not challenge or at least question the lives we live.  Perhaps there are people that sit back and are completely happy with the way they live as if it all panned out the way they envisioned.  I hope there are people like that, I hope I know people like that.  I still don't know the outcome for myself but I know that it will be better than laying in my bathroom throwing up my anxieties and wondering if this is it forever.  Life may not always work out the way I want but I refuse to be content accepting defeat...one foot in front of the other until I get to my life.

The Darkness XX

I drove to the place Mike and I have met for coffee in the past and sat in my car debating whether I should go home or go see John.  It's so difficult for me to let go of John and I can't explain why, other than he gives me a feeling that takes away my loneliness.  Every time I turn a corner or make a stride in my life or feel another week go by without a word from him I think am free...but it's not true.  I wonder if I will ever see him again, and if I do...what will that look like?  I'm scared to see him, with so much time since I last seen him I fear that the damage that could be done would be irreversible.  I used to believe that I needed John to work through my demons, or that I wanted him so that I wasn't alone but now I just don't want him to feel alone.  People like us share a glue that binds us, an understanding and sympathy that helps us care for one another regardless of the behaviour.  I have this with Mike (from L.I.) as well and although I may never see either of these men again I know that we are close friends...the only issue being that our demons cannot play nice together.

I grabbed a coffee and jumped back in my car, it's time to go home.  John is a cop and getting the best possible care besides I haven't heard from him in months...it's time for me to move forward.  I'm starting to see the complications I throw in my path and it's time to simplify.  You can't force people to be a part of your life, no matter how much you want them to be.  John knows how I feel and he knows that if he reaches out I would never turn him away...and I'm certain that's why he hasn't.

I need a new breed of friends...because playing in the dark with my demons is depressing and unproductive.  It's time to get busy on line and start recruiting...no more darkness, and Laura can put the demons to rest.

The Darkness XVIIII

I found a seat with CJ and my mother and put on my jersey.  I'm terrified and can feel the sweat drip down my back and this mornings breakfast rise in my throat, this is starting to feel a lot like Chicago. I was looking right at my mother and could see she was talking but I couldn't hear a thing except my breath and I had to concentrate to keep it under control.  I turned to CJ and clutched his arm, since I wasn't confident I could speak without trowing up I just showed him Mike's text.  He knows I haven't spoken to John in months but he also knows about my unhealthy attachment to him.

I could see the teams run onto the field out of the corner of my eye and I have to put my phone away and give this hour...for my son and for my mental health.  I'm not a doctor and Mike will text if there is any change, I have to let go and just enjoy the game while I wait.  I stood up and cheered when the captains took the field for the coin toss, I am so proud of that kid.  It's hard to believe that this is his final year of high school and only a few more football games left; his life has flown by me while I have watched mine disappear.  It's a lesson I don't want to learn with my daughter, the medication should help with that.  I thought of John's son and it kills me that so many children live without a parent because they were killed while on duty; at least there is honour in that, as opposed to having a mother who just refuses to live.  When you know better, you do better...I'll do better.

I grabbed my things off the bleaches and said my good byes to CJ and my mother.  I could see the sadness in CJ's eyes and I knew it was for me and not John, he worries about me and what my outcome will look like...I wish I knew.  I walked the field and hugged my son, I wish I could go back and have a do over.  He wasn't able to have lunch today so I handed him some cash, told him how much I love him and walked to my car.  I checked my phone but there was no messages, so I drove...

The Darkness VXIII

I stood at the gas station debating whether I should jump in my car and proceed or continue to call Mike...I got back in my car, my son has to come first.  I decided that if it was bad enough he would call me back or leave a message; I almost surprised myself with this logical train of thought.  Besides there is nothing that gives me the impression that it is necessarily bad news, maybe he just pocket dialled me.  I threw him a quick text and left it at that, until I know more I am heading straight for the game as scheduled.

This must be what Laura meant when she said the days would just start to get easier and clarity would return.  I didn't feel as panicked or scared, I was starting to be able to have coherent thoughts and could stop myself from escalating into a full blown melt down.  It doesn't take away the darkness, it can't, but it does give me the edge because it stops me from kneeling at the cage.  Everyday I feel less and less like a puddle of emotions and notice that I can focus on the things around me and not just within me.  I'm starting to feel organized and better put together; like going through a bad break up and finally turning off the Taylor Swift tunes and getting back into life.  I made a mental note to tell Mike, from Long Island, about my medication and maybe he will at least think about seeing someone to help him navigate through his own darkness.

I pulled up to the field and grabbed all my team gear to throw on, I love this hour of the week.  Watching him take the field and run the defence, then meeting him mid field to plan out lunch...my heart swells when I think of him and I just want to give him the mother he deserves.  My phone was blinking with messages, it was Mike, the cop.  "Hey Natalie, sorry to do this over text but John was hurt during a drug kick and is in surgery.  I'll keep you posted".  I could feel a lump form in my throat and my eyes fill with tears...I grabbed my things and walked to the field, five minutes till kick off.

The Darkness XVII

It was still dark outside when I jumped in my car and made my way to the football game; 5am feels like the middle of the night.  I can't really explain if things are getting better or if I was learning to put a new frame around my dreary picture.  I can feel some excitement return when I think about watching my son take the field...I owe that kid so much.  It was slowly getting easier to stay focused and engaged with my family and friends with only periods of time where my mind would wonder to NY.  My goal would be to have an escape to NY every few weeks and then when I am home I am completely home and not dreaming about what I am missing.  I need a life, something that is mine and not attached to anyone else.  Is it wrong to have a separate life for a few days a month?  If it is, then I'll happily be wrong because anything beats hopeless and vacant.

I started talking to a few people on line from NY and hoped I could find a friend or two to hang out with when I am back in town.  I'm looking forward to seeing Mike and he seems to be in a much better place but I know that is only because he's occupied with work; once he has a few days to spare the demons will come out to play.  My hope is that I can pull him away from his cage for a few days but more than that...I hope his darkness leaves mine alone.  Mike and I are like addicts and I don't know if we can ever really be anything but text friends.  He has become so comfortable with abuse that he longs for it and struggles to accept love and kindness...I imagine it's difficult to one day believe you are worthy of positive emotions when your whole existence has been built around other's making you feel worthless.  My heart hurts for him but how do I break down the fortress he has spent a lifetime securing?  One day Mike will see his greatness and I hope I'm around to witness it and see the look in his eyes when he realizes his own beauty.

I pulled over to fill up the car and grab a coffee, I still had about two hours to go.  I missed a call on my phone, it was Mike, the cop.  Hmm, Mike has never called me, only text message.  My heart stopped briefly as my mind wondered to the darkest place it could find...John...

The Darkness XVI

I woke without feeling any different and it relaxed me, it meant that the medications were not strong enough to alter me immediately.  I didn't want to take anything that was going to change me whether for better or worse, I want to cross the bridge...I just need to do it with clarity.  I grabbed the computer and my phone and made my way to the kitchen to make coffee.  Dan looked so peaceful in bed and I imagine he feels relieved and relaxed knowing I am actually fighting now rather than just standing paralyzed with fear in my nightmare.  He is a beautiful man.

I took my second pill when I got to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee and opened my laptop.  I decided to do things that make me happy until my mind can catch up with my desires.  I booked my flight back to New York and found a hotel in Queens...there was no way I was staying with Mike.  I sent in a calendar of my availability for work, keeping in mind my son's football schedule and I signed back up on the dating site.  I missed on line dating and it was a great way to kill time and get lost in other people rather than my own head.  I have no idea how things will go for Mike and I so I decided to meet more people from NY and at least build a great friend base in my favourite city.  I feel that if I can just stay occupied until the medication starts to work then I don't have to worry about falling into the vacant state.  I can't imagine a worst feeling then nothingness; no excitement or motivation...just existing...and even that hurts.

I stood at the window and looked across the field, I remembered doing the exact thing during my first marriage after my son was born and wondered how I was going to be happy...sometimes you just have to make the choice and really buy into it.  But this time it will be my definition of happiness and not yours...

The Darkness XV

I left Laura's office with the prescription stuffed inside my purse, scared to fill it and scared to let it go.  She said that if we can control the anxiety that one day we can work through the trauma and I would no longer need the medication...I don't think I want to work through the trauma, I just want it to not affect me anymore.  I always believed I struggled with depression, she corrected me during one of our visits stating I have an anxiety disorder...I didn't feel relieved.  I have so much anger around my trauma and the constant thoughts that haunt me of how different I would be without it, as if it's not to my fault or to my credit for anything.  Maybe everything does happen for a reason but I cannot comprehend why that ever had to happen; I lose hours trying to undo it and it's futile.  I used to fantasize about a life without demons and the freedom to choose and move freely through my own life, then one day I realized it was no different than a dream that can never come true and my fantasies became a waste of time and a way for me to torment myself.

I was standing in an isle in the pharmacy when I finally made my way out of my thoughts.  I was clutching the piece of paper that proved my sickness and contemplated throwing it out but hated the thought of becoming another fixture on a long line of failed Natalie's.  I straightened the paper out and handed it to the lady behind the counter...I trust Laura and have to believe this is the best path right now.  I grabbed a seat off to the side while I waited for my magical cure to be ready.

I took my phone out of my purse and noticed a few text messages.  Mike is in Austin working and having a great time; getting ready to travel with the Daily Show and missing our conversations.  He has no idea what I am going through or that he was the catalyst for my epic melt down in Chicago...there's no reason to tell him.  Mike has been told his entire life that he is nothing or trouble and I fear if he knows this it will only undo any positive thinking he has going on right now.  I know he is a good man and I never intend to not be his friend, but right now I have to get my shit together.  He invited me to Long Island in a few weeks to visit and reconnect after the way things were left in Chicago...I agreed to go.  I figured by then maybe my pills will have kicked in and his anxiety would no longer be able to trigger mine.  The thought of returning to New York makes me happy and I feel relieved that I can still go often.

The pharmacist waved me over to educate me all about the medication; I nodded politely and faked a smile.  When I got back to my car I took a pill out of the bottle and chased it with my water.  Laura promised that one day I would wake up and things wouldn't feel so bad...Day 1, and counting....

The Darkness XIV

Sitting in the waiting room only made my anxiety rise and I was a little grateful that my old friend was back.  I prefer to feel the anxiety to the numbness, it reminds me that I can still feel and still care about myself.  I hate that I have to sit here to be viewed as patients and doctors walk by and know I am seeing a doctor, a psychiatrist no less.  Maybe I truly am crazy...what does that even mean anymore?  I have this thought in my head that I can get rid of my darkness, walk away from it and move on...and I believe it on days that I am strong.  I keep telling myself that because it was forced upon me that it can be taken out...Laura reminds me that this is not the case, it's forever stamped in my memory as a way to alter the real me.  Through no fault of my own and unable to do anything about it the course of my life was changed forever and I received the darkness as a parting gift...the hatred burns in me.

I looked up to see Laura making her way down the hall to collect me so I gathered my things and met her half way.  She smiled and welcomed me warmly while I shook and tried not to cry...at least not until we are in her office.  I walked in and sat in my favourite chair and stared blankly ahead, I have exactly one hour to recap the past several months of my life and the thought is draining.  She sat across from me, opened her book and slid the kleenex box in front of me...she can see it.  Laura is very familiar with my darkness and how it has played with my mental health.  "Natalie it's nice to see you, its been about eight months, please start from the beginning".   I grabbed the box of kleenex, took a sip of my water and started to clean up my mess of a life.

It took almost forty five minutes to tell her my journey, leaving out tidbits like Leanne getting drunk with my dates, my on line dating support group and I may have left out John but everything else made an appearance.  Laura has the best poker face as I'm looking for any expression, but get nothing...there is no judgement.  She placed her pen on her book, folded her hands and met my teary eyes, "we cannot deal with your trauma unless we can control your anxiety".  That means medication, I fucking hate that I have to take anything at all...it's not even my fucking fault, it's not fair.  It angers me instantly as if she should just be able to wave her magic wand and cure me of this awful curse...but she can't and I can't escape it.  She has tried to explain to me several times that if I take a mild medication to deal with my anxiety disorder then she will be able to help me deal with the trauma which in turn should help with my fears and anxieties as well as my secret eating disorder...that seems like quite the hill to climb.  All I hear is that my first 37 years were were an internal nightmare for me and I can spend the next several years trying to be okay with it...how can I possibly sign on to that?  She can spot the fear in me quickly, "Natalie it's a really low dose and won't alter you, it will just make it so your anxiety doesn't control you.  You'll be able to focus".  I feel like Alice in Wonderland...I can either take a pill and say good bye to my best friend or I can keep the anxiety and slide into madness...

The Darkness XIII

I laid in my closet slipping in and out of consciousness; I could hear people talking and moving around, I could see lights flicker on and off and I was paralyzed.  At some time during the night I could feel Dan slide in beside me and hold me and I can't even imagine what he must be going through.  My mind won't work and it's probably a coping mechanism I need to stop myself from becoming sick.  I don't know how it got so bad, how I fell so far...detached and lost from everything I know and love. 


Dan helped me into our bed sometime in the middle of the night, I felt drugged and disoriented which made it easier to fall back into my nothingness...at least for a few minutes.  Nightmares kept pulling me out of my sleep and I know it's time to deal with this and I can't do it alone.  I reached out and found Dan's arm and could feel him place his hand over mine, "I'll call Laura in the morning"...I could feel his body instantly relax in relief. 


I couldn't fall back asleep and laid awake wondering why the demons were so restless and strong.  The damage has been done and it's forever a mark on my life, you can't change your history and some things that were stolen can never be returned...why continue to hurt and haunt me?  The darkness will never go away, it was given to me without thought or care.  I need to change strategies...I can't extinguish it, but perhaps we can coexist.  It's time to let Natalie out of the cage and place my demons in it...I need to hold her and protect her and not let her suffer anymore.  I could never willingly watch a child suffer and it almost seems crazy that I am talking about myself and I wonder if I have detached from her too as a way to move forward.  I will call Laura...I need to join forces to avoid the switch and hostile takeover of my life. 

The Darkness XII

I wondered around my life for two days in a haze of nothingness, emotionally unattached and wishing I had more fight in me.  Mike texted the night before he left for Austin to talk about his father...it only made the weight heavier and now I know his darkness triggers mine and causes a crippling anxiety in me that I never knew was possible.  I had an awful feeling every time I thought about or spoke to Mike, but I can't let him go knowing I am the only person he has in his corner; he would completely give in to his demons...if he hasn't already.  I need to focus on me and fighting my own and at least getting back to a space where I am alive and functional...something has to give.

I called Karen during her lunch hour, I was starting to feel physically ill and it was scaring me.  She knows every inch of my darkness and right now she is the only person I need.  I can barely speak a word through the uncontrollable sobbing, begging her to come over and look after my daughter.  I want to crawl into a small space and let go of everything and everyone, I don't have much time and I can feel myself fading back into the black.  

Karen made it to my house in record time, knowing that I was struggling to just hang on.  She helped me pack a bag for my daughter and I could feel her looking at me and I know she would take it all away from me if she could.  I stood at the door and watched them leave before I made my way up the stairs to my room.  I walked into the farthest corner of my closet and slowly melted into the floor like I had in Chicago...my body and mind can't take the strain any longer and it's time for a hard reset...perhaps it will give me strength but I worry it will give me the switch...I miss John...

The Darkness XI

I woke with a migraine, probably from being dehydrated from crying.  I got out of bed, took some Advil and went to make coffee.  I was feeling a little better since I was home with Dan, he adds a comfort to me that comes in the form of unconditional love.  I don't know where he gathers his strength from but I am so grateful for it.  It's as if he was created just for me and I know in my head and heart I have added to his life and not just been an emotional dead weight.  We have travelled across Europe together, many of the states, some of Africa and toured Japan; I remember when we never had a struggle and life was beautiful.  I thought we would go our whole lives having it all figured out and being genuinely happy, and I'm sure he could have if not for my demons.  I put bread in the toaster and grabbed a coffee.

Dan came around the corner, he was ready for work and handsome as ever.  He saw the stress all over my face and just hugged me and I swear I could feel his heart break every time he has to hold my pieces together.  He grabbed his toast and coffee and joined me at the table.  He placed his hand on mine and gently squeezed it, "I'm glad you're home".  I was back in my vacant state, staring out the window, lost and scared wanting to run away from myself.  Is it crazy when you see yourself as two separate people?  One is who I used to be and all of the trauma she carries and the other is who I am today trying to escape her...or free her, I have no idea.  Some days I feel strong enough for both Natalie's and other days I worry we are the same and I can never change the pattern.  I looked over and smiled at my husband through my tears and wondered how many more months I would steal from his life before I finally let him go.  We talked a little about Chicago and the game, we laughed a little because it's too difficult not too when I talk about my brothers.  Sometimes Dan can be my favourite distraction, he makes me laugh out loud, sings to me, surprises me and cares for me like no one else can.  I just have to get over that bridge...at least one of us will be free, but I'm hoping for both.

He grabbed his computer and hugged me before he left for work.  I still hadn't heard from Mike and I'm not sure I ever will again...perhaps he'll leave like John.  I made my way up the stairs and crawled into bed beside my daughter...she looks identical to me when I was her age and sometimes I look at her and see me without the cage...

The Darkness X

It was almost 3 am when I finally pulled into the garage at home and I have no idea how I even made it.  I can't even recall the drive from the airport; my autopilot is on and in survival mode.  I sat in my car for a while, numb and vacant knowing that Chicago was just the beginning.  At times I feel so angry that I have a need to change and that I just can't be happy in my perfect life...it seems unfair to be so restless.  Sometimes I can't leave well enough alone.  I have to know that this feeling in me means something and that my future is worth saving...that all my dreams and plans actually meant something to me and were not manufactured but honestly desired.  I'm so sick of being sad and even the other parts of me are tired of my constant complaining and whining...depression doesn't live here...not anymore.

I washed my face, brushed my teeth and crawled into bed beside Dan.  I placed my hand on the middle of his back and silently cried, I hope he knows how sorry I am.  I hope my children will continue to love me and see in me what offered them conform before...I hope I chose the right path.  I want to look back one day when I am through this and be a whole person that is able to be happy and free and no longer live in the confines of that cage.  My fear is that even if that happens I may lose so much along the way, I can still hear his words "I am always going to love you and I will always be your friend but I may not always be your husband".  Where is the balance for what I will gain and what I can potentially lose?  I could always go see Laura and take the pills...it hurts my heart that I can even consider becoming another stage of Natalie that just didn't fucking care enough about herself.  Monday morning therapy is going to be a dark bitch...

The Darkness VIIII

I slept most of the flight and my buzz had worn off.  We touched down in Calgary and anxiety filled my stomach...I have two and a half hours until my next flight leaves and all the bars are closed.  I managed to make it through customs without shedding a tear but it's only a matter of time.  I found my gate, plugged in my phone and called Dan.  He has become the perfect coach for me and helps me stay focused, but every now and then I remind myself that this is just another way to suck the life out of my husband.  Dan has no idea what I am bringing home with me, his wife is gone and I don't think she is coming back.

I sat in a corner and sobbed uncontrollably.  I have become a hostage to my darkness.  I imagine John, Mike and I represent the stages of being pulled into the depths of our own trauma and fears.  John has walked through and has completely given in and as a reward he was blessed with the switch...although I still view it as a curse.  Mike is in the heart of his struggle and I am watching him descend into his madness hoping for the switch just to have some relief...and I am standing at the bridge hoping I am strong enough to fly or fight.  How do you fight against something that has controlled you for most of your life?

I was emotionally bankrupt by the time I found my seat on the last flight.  I know I am barely hanging on and I am terrified thinking about my future.  I would rather give up than have my next 36 years reflect my past 36...I can't bare the thought of visiting that little girl in the cage anymore.  

The Darkness VIII

Everything started to come back into focus, my head hurt and I lost time.  I probably wasn't out too long because CJ would have come to find me if I was going to miss my flight.  I was covered in swear and felt exhausted and scared.  My mind and body likely needed to be rebooted after the intense stress it has been in for so many months.  I gathered myself off of the floor and went over to a sink to splash water on my face.  I barely recognized myself, my eyes looked sunken, my skin was clammy and pale and the light in my eyes was extinguished.  I'm going to lose this war but I have to try and get on that plane.

I walked out and seen CJ on his phone sitting exactly where I left him.  When he looked at me I could see he knew something had changed in me but I can't explain it because I have no idea what just happened.  I made my way over to him, "I need a drink or there is no way I can make that flight".  He grabbed his bag and led me to the bar.  We sat at a table, ordered some drinks and didn't speak a word.  CJ has this amazing gift of just sitting back and letting me come out of my shell on my own and it is why we are so close, he just knows how to handle me.  I drank two beer quickly to take off the edge and felt instantly better, clear and without anxiety...I'm starting to have a very real understanding of how people become addicted to alcohol and drugs.  We finally started talking, or I did.  I trust CJ and I know he knows that something is happening he just doesn't know what it is or what is causing it.  I won't share my darkness, I'll leave it at anxiety because people can comprehend that.  Right now I am thankful that my flight leaves before his; I just need to make it home...I need to see Dan.  

I hugged CJ before I boarded my flight and faked my best 'I'll be fine' look, he didn't buy it but he didn't question it either.  I found my seat, closed my eyes and said a silent prayer...this is not over, there are no more band aids to apply to my life...it's time to cross the bridge...

The Darkness VII

I don't know if I choked back tears or vomit as we all stood in front of the diner and parted ways.  Trevor jumped into a cab to the airport while CJ and I headed back to the hotel to gather our things.  We still had about four hours until we left for the airport and time seemed to stand still which only added to my anxiety.  I started to feel confined and scared....what the hell is going on?

CJ and I walked around downtown and shopped for a few hours but it seemed to feel like days and every time I looked at my watch the hands never seemed to move.  I wondered if my brothers could see the sadness and fear in me, the change, the hesitation.  Did they even realize that everyday I hold on by a little string that connects me to everything I love and that I fear that I would have to let go one day to reach what I am missing?  It's all so close and I can see it like it is just on the other side of the gorge...my bridge is my darkness and it keeps me in place and alone.  I can stand on the edge and even walk along it but have never dared to cross it.  Lately I feel like I pace the edge and have even looked over the side...there is no safety net and I don't think I am strong enough to fly yet.  I can feel the intensity rise in me and beads of sweat fall down my back, I'm scared because it knows I'm looking to jump and I can feel it circling.  I started to feel light headed and I was grateful CJ pulled me out of my nightmare because it was time to head to the airport...thank God.

I tried my best to keep my head above water and in the moment but I could feel myself float away and I'm losing control.  CJ could now see my struggle and I could see the worry in his face.  We checked in and passed through security, I could feel nothing but heat and sickness.  "Natalie what's going on?"  He was concerned and to be honest, so was I.  I shook my head and snapped out of it, "I need to find a bathroom".  I think I have to throw up but I can't really think at all, I just know I don't want to be in Chicago's airport throwing up all over the floor with an audience.  I left CJ on the bench outside and walked into the bathroom.  I made my way to the farthest stall and the closer I got, the darker it got...it's coming and I can't do anything.  I closed the door and latched it, I imagine this is what a panic attack looks like...and just like that my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I felt the coolness of the floor on my back...

The Darkness VI

I watched Mike get into the shuttle to the airport and the flood of anxiety that was quickly turning to panic sent me into the ally to throw up my coffee.  I have no idea if I am feeling his anxiety or my own but it is like nothing I have ever felt before.  The feeling of loss is too overwhelming for me and although we didn't put a seal on anything I know that Mike and I will never be the same together.  I wonder if this is how his darkness deals with those who try to help; his demons have all the control and I have my own war to fight...I'll start letting go...I hope.


I wiped my mouth and wished Mike, the cop, was here to hand me some water, I felt a longing for his friendship and the thought of him made me teary.  I started to make my way back to the hotel to have breakfast with my brothers; Trevor was leaving in just over an hour and I wanted to get lost in their lives.  It's amazing how many people I have around me that would gladly take my pain, light my light and carry me to happiness or even contentment and yet it feels like I am always alone.  I imagine they look at me the way I do the little girl in the cage; they can see me and my potential and they try to coax me out but have no real understanding of why I can't take that step...Mike knows why. 


I spotted them sitting in a booth in the corner and the sight of Trevor's suitcase made me want to burst into tears...I don't want him to leave, not yet.  I sat down and ordered my second coffee of the day although I'm not sure the first one counts now that it's in a back ally.  I tried to focus on the conversation but I struggled with the fact that he was about to leave.  Something is happening that I can't explain and I am losing control and falling...it's going to be a dark day...

The Darkness V

I joined Mike at a table in the lobby bar and had to be pretty firm in telling my anxiety to fuck off.  He looked sad and tired and I imagine he is regretting this even more than I am.  I forced a fake smile and sat on my hands so he couldn't see them shake.  I ordered a coffee and could feel his anxiety coming out of his pores...his darkness is completely surrounding him and I can see him slowly retreat.  He reached over and touched my arm, I couldn't even look at him.  "I am so sorry for my behaviour last night".   I believed him because I know first hand the relationship he has with himself and how can I ever expect him to treat me with respect and friendship when he can't even give those two things to himself.  He is broken and what is worse is that I don't know if he even want's to feel whole again.  I think sometimes your fear becomes your comfort and the abuser becomes successful in making you give up and accept that you just don't deserve anything else.  Without having anyone to help and turn to, you stay lost in your darkness and it becomes who you are.  I want to hug and hold him and pull him out but I fear that he will only pull me in... I have to go because the result would be throwing away the key to my own cage.  And like a true addict, knowing the secret to stay clean the other side of me wants to escape...so I escape and I refuse to cut him loose...

The Darkness IV

After hours of listening to Mike rant about nothing important I left to head back to my hotel and felt completely deflated.  I have no idea what happened or changed, I feel like I missed a few pages of a book or I'm watching a foreign film without the subtitles.  He leaves in a few hours and I can't stop throwing up and retreating to my cage to console the little girl, the very thought of loss brings about my fear and darkness and the cage locks...again.    

I laid in the shower and let the cold water wash over me like punishment for having hope.  I can see my darkness is different than Mike's and it's obvious he feeds his when it all becomes too much; but I'm not innocent because I allow the cage to be locked and guarded...I'm allowed to visit who I am but I am not allowed to show others or let her out.  I can feel him leaving and there is nothing I can do to hold on, darkness is the abusive partner that will isolate you from those that care.  I'm sure he finds comfort being around his family because it allows him to stay in the misery that has become his blanket of comfort.  I turned off the shower and could barely stand, my body was shaking from anxiety and sudden movements sent it into dry heaving. 

I got dressed, tied my hair back and left the room...it was time to say good bye...

The Darkness III

The game was amazing and I can spend everyday with my brothers and never get sick or bored of them; they are truly great men that I am blessed to have in my corner.   I laugh the most with them and feel the least amount of sadness, the dark cannot penetrate their support and I'm dreading the good bye tomorrow.  I left them at the hotel and walked over to Mike's, he hasn't answered any of my texts and I was a bit concerned.

I knocked on the door a few times but he didn't answer.  I tried to text and call his cell phone and his hotel room...no answer.  I finally took the elevator to the lobby and retrieved a key from the lady because I was becoming a little concerned about him.  The lady agreed but only because she sent along the bellboy to make sure I wasn't robbing him.  I stood at the door and took a deep breathe, do I really want to know what is on the other side of that door?  Maybe he's with another woman, hurt, or worse...gone.  The poor bellboy has no idea of the nightmare of emotions he will witness if Mike is anything but sleeping.

The room was completely dark when we walked in and I heard Mike say, "hello?"  I turned and thanked the bellboy for coming along, he smiled and closed the door behind him.  I was so relieved that Mike was still here and a little more so that he was alone.  "Hey Mike, you didn't answer and I wanted to make sure you were good".  I expected him to flip on a light and ask me about the game...I did not expect him to flip out on me and become verbally aggressive.  I stood in the room paralyzed, confused and sick.  I don't know what gave me the right to have any expectations at all but anger never even entered my mind.  I can't even think of a reason he could be upset with me to the point of speaking to me in such a mean tone.  My eyes started to fill with tears and it wasn't because of sadness but because I knew that this was the end, or at least the beginning of it...

The Darkness II

I barely slept last night and was feeling sick from the anxiety this morning.  I laid in the shower and cried, not because I was sad but needed some sort of release of the anxiety and guilt.  I was meeting Mike for lunch and drinks before I headed to the football game with my brothers and I was hoping I would be better company, I'm banking on Heineken helping me along the way.   There is something so uncomfortable about never being able to just live, I'm always in my head and stoking the flames of my misery.  Perhaps my own key is just stepping right into my light..but I can't, not after all of this time.  I laugh at the thought of having Stockholm Syndrome with my darkness.

I finally crawled out of the shower and got ready for the day.  I was meeting Mike in an hour and I wanted to have coffee and get into a better frame of mind before that happened.  I can feel the darkness circling me and I wonder if Mike's own darkness has summoned it.  The thought of it makes me sick because Mike is all I have to share this with and I can't be around him if he can bring about my sadness.  I finished my coffee, applied some gloss, wiped my tears and left for the pub.

Mike was seated at the bar when I walked in and I found a place beside him.  He smelled great and looked even better.  We ordered wings and beer...I instantly missed Dan.  Mike is a Jet's fan but knows little about the game, so I happily took the opportunity to teach him and it is one of my favourite escapes.  We get along so well and I hope we are more supportive than damaging to each other.  We wasted away the afternoon and I was almost sad having to leave to meet my brothers.  We agreed to meet for a night cap after the game as I grabbed my purse and headed back to my hotel.

The Darkness I

Mike took me to an amazing steak house for dinner and I was well on my way to being intoxicated before we even got to our table.  My mind has not turned off or slowed down since the realization that I am killing my husbands wife.  I feel like I'm in a real life game of 'who would you save', the woman he loves or the woman I ache to be?  This has become a no win situation and I can't even begin to comprehend what this will mean for my marriage, children, friends and myself.  Do I remain the person everyone knows, who truly doesn't exist...or do I emerge as who I am and hope for the best knowing that the consequences could be a complete loss.  I feel indebted to Dan for the life he has allowed me to live, the freedom he encourages me to have and the dreams he insists I follow...but now what?  I feel like I'm stuck in a huge conundrum that just so happens to be my life.

We finally were moved from the bar to our table and he was laughing at me for already being tipsy, I didn't tell him that I was drinking away my anxiety and had no intention of doing so.  He ordered way too much food and I ordered another beer.  Mike is great company he's funny, intelligent and interesting and I desperately hope that I can lose myself in him this evening or it's going to be one hell of a night.  He opened up about the anxiety he was having about going to court when he arrived back home to deal with his on going divorce.  I felt bad for him but I always try and remember that I am biased and only know one side to this story.  I find it is better to be a sounding board rather than someone that feeds the angry dragon in him.  I hope it works out for him.   Our food came about forty five minutes later and I was so hungry I couldn't even speak and silence only meant retreating back into my own thoughts...it was becoming my least favourite spot these days.

We took a cab back to the area our hotels were in and I walked him to his lobby and said good night.  I walked out into the cold air and felt sick about my discovery.  Do I give my entire life to Dan and my children so they are comfortable...dear god please say I don't have to because I don't think I am strong enough to do it.  I picture myself sitting in my house watching the days turn to night and feeling the agony of being confined to a prison.  I know who I am and as I reflect back over my life and see the Natalie I shoved aside for others I have to wonder if this Natalie will join them or finally free them...is there a better time to be brave...or selfish?

New York State of Mind XXVIIII

As the day went on I could see Mike emerge from the dark and I think his darkness is the product of always feeling alone.  I wonder if he desperately searches for a wife to have a family with because it will release him...I bet he doesn't even realize he holds the key.  I can't help but stare at him, it's sad to watch someone you care about sink into depression; it must haunt Dan watching me move through life passing in and out of the shadows.  I'm slowly killing my husband; breaking his heart everyday and becoming more detached from the life I loved to move into the life I need.  How does he hold on to me?  It has to be hope, the hope that one day I will look at him and he will see the woman he married...the very one I am working so hard to destroy...

New York State of Mind XXVIII

I had coffee with my brother's then rushed over to the restaurant to meet Mike for breakfast.  I grabbed a corner table, ordered another coffee and went through my messages and emails.  Mike, the cop, texted and it makes me smile every time.  He has this way about him that makes you feel important and special without smothering or becoming intense...he reminds me of Dan in so many ways.  They are what balanced men look like and even though Mike sees the same darkness as John his coping skills are far superior.  I wished this for Mike, the one from NY; for him to have some sense of relief and rest.  I'm hoping that today I can pull him out of his mood and just have fun; I'm chasing Atlantic City and even I can feel the desperation of trying to replicate that night.  My anxiety is exceptionally strong today and I wonder if his is too or if it is because I fear the Mike I met in AC is not the same one in Chicago...darkness is such a nightmare from both sides.

I spotted Mike as soon as he walked in and waved him over.  He looked awful like he had been drinking all night and fell out of bed to get here.  I have no idea how to even approach him because I have very little experience with him.  I mean I know his darkness and things about him but having only spent a handful of hours with him I have no idea how to handle his moods and it creates a fear in me that I will say or do something wrong.  It's almost like I already have a fear of losing him and I imagine it is because of losing John and having the desire to keep a fellow dark dweller in my life.  He sat down across from me and ordered a coffee...this is not Mike from AC, I don't know who this is and I'm not sure I want to find out.  He threw me a forced smile and I returned the favour.  I guess now is as good as any time to start the therapy session, after all isn't that the real reason I am searching these men out?

"You look awful.  Didn't you sleep?"  Everyone gets the benefit of my honesty, but maybe I can work a little on perfecting the art of having tact.  "A little but tossed most of the night".  He grabbed the menu and sipped on his coffee.  I wasn't impressed in the least about being brushed off.  In my support group you have to share...is it unethical to have a support group and not tell the participants they are part of it?  "What would you like to do today?"  He finally put the menu down and looked at me, "whatever you want, I'm easy".   I figure I have about two days before he is completely sitting in his darkness with a bottle of vodka...I gotta work fast.  "Let's eat then head out for some touring".  He shrugged his shoulders and nodded...I could throw up with anxiety right now...

New York State of Mind XXVII

Mike grabbed a gin and met me at the table, he was clearly exhausted and seemed to be somewhat irritated.  We ordered some food and talked as we watched Chicago carry on into the night.  Mike has two speeds, work and sadness and there is no in-between.  When he is working he is happy, relaxed and in control but if he has more than three days off of work you can see the darkness descend on him and the happy confident Mike is pushed back into his cage and buried in a dark corner.  I'm hoping that being in Chicago and around me will help keep his fears at bay but I haven't figured out yet if one darkness triggers the other and that scares me.

We walked around the downtown and popped in and out of places with live bands and I could almost see the Mike I met in Atlantic City.  He seemed on edge and I could feel my own anxieties rise to meet his.  This must be how addicts feel when one is craving, it pulls the other one in and together they suffer or give in and on occasion one's own will is stronger than their urge and is able to keep both afloat...I hope I am strong enough for both of us.  I started to feel anxious that I was easily absorbing his energy and I could feel the panic rise in me at the thought that his darkness would bring about my own.  Maybe Mike isn't the better version of John, but I guess that depends on if I want to ignore or face my own demons.  It's funny thinking back that I used to become so upset that John wouldn't share with me and now I'm on the other end of the spectrum and wish the sharing wasn't so intense.

I walked Mike back to his hotel and we had a drink at the bar.  It wasn't the same as Atlantic City and I wasn't sure why but I was hoping a good sleep would change that; we shared a cigarette and I left him in the lobby.  I wasn't ready to go back to my room so I wondered around and thought about John...I wish I could give his switch to Mike so he never has to be in the dark again.

New York State of Mind XXVI

We finally got to our hotel and unloaded our things then wondered around the area for a bit.  I could feel my anxiety and excitement creep up every now and then knowing Mike would be here soon.  We grabbed a drink and sat on the patio, it was the best place to people watch.  I was doing my best imitation of someone that was completely engaged in a conversation and hated that I had become someone so obsessed with my own journey that is was difficult to enjoy others.  Ugh, I grabbed another round of drinks, checked my phone and made my way back to the table.  Mike had landed and would be at his hotel in about an hour, the guilt instantly replaced the excitement but a drink would easily fix that.

I walked the guys back to our hotel and left them in the room while I found a pub at the end of the block and waited for Mike.  I sat on the patio and ordered my third drink, thank goodness CJ and I ate at the airport or I'd be a puddle by the time he got here.  Only a few short weeks ago we met in Atlantic City and now we are in Chicago and I hope we can choose a date for me to be back in New York next month.  My relationship with Mike was beginning to feel more like the support group I had started months ago.  He talks a lot about his childhood and how it has carried through the same struggles into his adult life.  I feel sad that he believes that he is completely alone in life and has the experiences that those he gave everything to simply didn't want it and rejected him entirely.  I can easily watch his roller coaster of emotion evolve daily and I know he can't see his patterns of sadness and excitement...for me it's like watching an addict go from hopeful and fall to hopeless.  No matter how sad and lost I felt I have always had the benefit of those few around me that have loved, lifted and cared for me; Mike has never felt unconditional love...not even from his parents.  He may very well go through his entire life and never feel loved, wanted or significant and I wonder if it will be because he doesn't know how to accept it or if it is because he doesn't know how to surround himself with people who can truly love him.   As a parent I find it hard to believe that his parents don't love him but does it matter as long as he never feels it?  Mike still aches for the approval of his family but mainly from his father and to be honest I don't know if it is real or not but it must feel very real to him.  We are becoming great friends and he is starting to rely on me for emotional support...I hope I don't let him down.  I find it easier to maneuver through his darkness rather than my own but I have always felt stronger in the darkness of others while mine lays dormant.  

I could see him cross the street and he looked as amazing as I remembered.  I don't know which Mike I am getting today because he is exhausted and has been flying all day...I will either be the support leader or tour guide.  I'm just grateful I get to see him again and that I can easily escape my own darkness into his...

New York Stat of Mind XXV

The flight seemed quick but I could effortlessly lose time in my thoughts and knew there were times that I shifted to auto pilot for days trying to find my way back out.  CJ would be landing shortly and Trevor not far behind.  I felt nervous to see Mike again and wondered how long he would be in my life; I have this amazing super power where I can take something that makes me happy and turn it into something that causes me anxiety and stress until it no longer looks the same...like watching a flower bloom and die all in a few short days.

My phone pulled me out of my thoughts, "Hey Nat I just grabbed my luggage, where are you?"  Thank god CJ is here!  I would much rather get lost in his life and stories rather than mindlessly pick through mine.  I felt instantly relieved when I found him and likely hugged him a tad too tightly.  My brothers are amazing men and the three of us have become great friends over the years; the love, support and kindness they show me makes me feel safe and allows me to just live openly.  We grabbed some food and drinks and caught up on the kids, work and his dating life.  CJ can make my jaw hit the floor and make me laugh until I cry when he tells a story and I am so grateful that this is our tradition...I can't believe I invited Mike.

Trevor showed up about an hour later and when he turned the corner in a suit jacket and button down I knew he was in trouble because the three of us are relentless with teasing.  I instantly wished I didn't invite Mike, not to this anyway.  Oh well, only three hours till he touches down and makes his way downtown...I dropped my phone in my purse and tried to forget about him for the next few hours.

New York State of Mind XXIV

I looked in on her just before I brought my things to the car, I wish I could put her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me.  It's so conflicting when I want to try and find or discover a part of myself because I am not entirely happy but then my heart breaks every time I watch my son drive away or I leave my daughter in the middle of the night.  It's funny how darkness can just fuck with you to the point that lost is the only feeling left.

I started to wonder if all I really needed was every moment leading up to leaving without the actual act of going away.  Maybe just knowing there was something to look forward to, something that didn't resemble my daily life...something crazy and adventurous.  The destination never seemed to compare to the journey and I'm learning that it is the climb I crave, but how can one sustain that?  I'm chasing a high and an idea, maybe it's a dream I had or a feeling I once felt...whatever it is I am helplessly losing my mind trying to capture it like an addict trying to replicate that first high.

I was sitting at the gate hours before boarding slipping in and out of my mind wondering if I'll ever be satiated...I don't think so.  Laura once told me that you could not teach someone interest, some people are and some people are not.  It is clear where I fall and once again and I can identify this perfect storm that is forming in me and I have to let go and ride it out.  There are only two outcomes; either I come out of this storm and become the woman I ache to be or I go back to Laura and forget that she was ever a thought...