The Darkness XX

I drove to the place Mike and I have met for coffee in the past and sat in my car debating whether I should go home or go see John.  It's so difficult for me to let go of John and I can't explain why, other than he gives me a feeling that takes away my loneliness.  Every time I turn a corner or make a stride in my life or feel another week go by without a word from him I think am free...but it's not true.  I wonder if I will ever see him again, and if I do...what will that look like?  I'm scared to see him, with so much time since I last seen him I fear that the damage that could be done would be irreversible.  I used to believe that I needed John to work through my demons, or that I wanted him so that I wasn't alone but now I just don't want him to feel alone.  People like us share a glue that binds us, an understanding and sympathy that helps us care for one another regardless of the behaviour.  I have this with Mike (from L.I.) as well and although I may never see either of these men again I know that we are close friends...the only issue being that our demons cannot play nice together.

I grabbed a coffee and jumped back in my car, it's time to go home.  John is a cop and getting the best possible care besides I haven't heard from him in months...it's time for me to move forward.  I'm starting to see the complications I throw in my path and it's time to simplify.  You can't force people to be a part of your life, no matter how much you want them to be.  John knows how I feel and he knows that if he reaches out I would never turn him away...and I'm certain that's why he hasn't.

I need a new breed of friends...because playing in the dark with my demons is depressing and unproductive.  It's time to get busy on line and start recruiting...no more darkness, and Laura can put the demons to rest.