The Darkness VXIII

I stood at the gas station debating whether I should jump in my car and proceed or continue to call Mike...I got back in my car, my son has to come first.  I decided that if it was bad enough he would call me back or leave a message; I almost surprised myself with this logical train of thought.  Besides there is nothing that gives me the impression that it is necessarily bad news, maybe he just pocket dialled me.  I threw him a quick text and left it at that, until I know more I am heading straight for the game as scheduled.

This must be what Laura meant when she said the days would just start to get easier and clarity would return.  I didn't feel as panicked or scared, I was starting to be able to have coherent thoughts and could stop myself from escalating into a full blown melt down.  It doesn't take away the darkness, it can't, but it does give me the edge because it stops me from kneeling at the cage.  Everyday I feel less and less like a puddle of emotions and notice that I can focus on the things around me and not just within me.  I'm starting to feel organized and better put together; like going through a bad break up and finally turning off the Taylor Swift tunes and getting back into life.  I made a mental note to tell Mike, from Long Island, about my medication and maybe he will at least think about seeing someone to help him navigate through his own darkness.

I pulled up to the field and grabbed all my team gear to throw on, I love this hour of the week.  Watching him take the field and run the defence, then meeting him mid field to plan out lunch...my heart swells when I think of him and I just want to give him the mother he deserves.  My phone was blinking with messages, it was Mike, the cop.  "Hey Natalie, sorry to do this over text but John was hurt during a drug kick and is in surgery.  I'll keep you posted".  I could feel a lump form in my throat and my eyes fill with tears...I grabbed my things and walked to the field, five minutes till kick off.