The Darkness XVI

I woke without feeling any different and it relaxed me, it meant that the medications were not strong enough to alter me immediately.  I didn't want to take anything that was going to change me whether for better or worse, I want to cross the bridge...I just need to do it with clarity.  I grabbed the computer and my phone and made my way to the kitchen to make coffee.  Dan looked so peaceful in bed and I imagine he feels relieved and relaxed knowing I am actually fighting now rather than just standing paralyzed with fear in my nightmare.  He is a beautiful man.

I took my second pill when I got to the kitchen, made a cup of coffee and opened my laptop.  I decided to do things that make me happy until my mind can catch up with my desires.  I booked my flight back to New York and found a hotel in Queens...there was no way I was staying with Mike.  I sent in a calendar of my availability for work, keeping in mind my son's football schedule and I signed back up on the dating site.  I missed on line dating and it was a great way to kill time and get lost in other people rather than my own head.  I have no idea how things will go for Mike and I so I decided to meet more people from NY and at least build a great friend base in my favourite city.  I feel that if I can just stay occupied until the medication starts to work then I don't have to worry about falling into the vacant state.  I can't imagine a worst feeling then nothingness; no excitement or motivation...just existing...and even that hurts.

I stood at the window and looked across the field, I remembered doing the exact thing during my first marriage after my son was born and wondered how I was going to be happy...sometimes you just have to make the choice and really buy into it.  But this time it will be my definition of happiness and not yours...