The Darkness XV

I left Laura's office with the prescription stuffed inside my purse, scared to fill it and scared to let it go.  She said that if we can control the anxiety that one day we can work through the trauma and I would no longer need the medication...I don't think I want to work through the trauma, I just want it to not affect me anymore.  I always believed I struggled with depression, she corrected me during one of our visits stating I have an anxiety disorder...I didn't feel relieved.  I have so much anger around my trauma and the constant thoughts that haunt me of how different I would be without it, as if it's not to my fault or to my credit for anything.  Maybe everything does happen for a reason but I cannot comprehend why that ever had to happen; I lose hours trying to undo it and it's futile.  I used to fantasize about a life without demons and the freedom to choose and move freely through my own life, then one day I realized it was no different than a dream that can never come true and my fantasies became a waste of time and a way for me to torment myself.

I was standing in an isle in the pharmacy when I finally made my way out of my thoughts.  I was clutching the piece of paper that proved my sickness and contemplated throwing it out but hated the thought of becoming another fixture on a long line of failed Natalie's.  I straightened the paper out and handed it to the lady behind the counter...I trust Laura and have to believe this is the best path right now.  I grabbed a seat off to the side while I waited for my magical cure to be ready.

I took my phone out of my purse and noticed a few text messages.  Mike is in Austin working and having a great time; getting ready to travel with the Daily Show and missing our conversations.  He has no idea what I am going through or that he was the catalyst for my epic melt down in Chicago...there's no reason to tell him.  Mike has been told his entire life that he is nothing or trouble and I fear if he knows this it will only undo any positive thinking he has going on right now.  I know he is a good man and I never intend to not be his friend, but right now I have to get my shit together.  He invited me to Long Island in a few weeks to visit and reconnect after the way things were left in Chicago...I agreed to go.  I figured by then maybe my pills will have kicked in and his anxiety would no longer be able to trigger mine.  The thought of returning to New York makes me happy and I feel relieved that I can still go often.

The pharmacist waved me over to educate me all about the medication; I nodded politely and faked a smile.  When I got back to my car I took a pill out of the bottle and chased it with my water.  Laura promised that one day I would wake up and things wouldn't feel so bad...Day 1, and counting....