The Darkness VIII

Everything started to come back into focus, my head hurt and I lost time.  I probably wasn't out too long because CJ would have come to find me if I was going to miss my flight.  I was covered in swear and felt exhausted and scared.  My mind and body likely needed to be rebooted after the intense stress it has been in for so many months.  I gathered myself off of the floor and went over to a sink to splash water on my face.  I barely recognized myself, my eyes looked sunken, my skin was clammy and pale and the light in my eyes was extinguished.  I'm going to lose this war but I have to try and get on that plane.

I walked out and seen CJ on his phone sitting exactly where I left him.  When he looked at me I could see he knew something had changed in me but I can't explain it because I have no idea what just happened.  I made my way over to him, "I need a drink or there is no way I can make that flight".  He grabbed his bag and led me to the bar.  We sat at a table, ordered some drinks and didn't speak a word.  CJ has this amazing gift of just sitting back and letting me come out of my shell on my own and it is why we are so close, he just knows how to handle me.  I drank two beer quickly to take off the edge and felt instantly better, clear and without anxiety...I'm starting to have a very real understanding of how people become addicted to alcohol and drugs.  We finally started talking, or I did.  I trust CJ and I know he knows that something is happening he just doesn't know what it is or what is causing it.  I won't share my darkness, I'll leave it at anxiety because people can comprehend that.  Right now I am thankful that my flight leaves before his; I just need to make it home...I need to see Dan.  

I hugged CJ before I boarded my flight and faked my best 'I'll be fine' look, he didn't buy it but he didn't question it either.  I found my seat, closed my eyes and said a silent prayer...this is not over, there are no more band aids to apply to my life...it's time to cross the bridge...