The Darkness XIII

I laid in my closet slipping in and out of consciousness; I could hear people talking and moving around, I could see lights flicker on and off and I was paralyzed.  At some time during the night I could feel Dan slide in beside me and hold me and I can't even imagine what he must be going through.  My mind won't work and it's probably a coping mechanism I need to stop myself from becoming sick.  I don't know how it got so bad, how I fell so far...detached and lost from everything I know and love. 


Dan helped me into our bed sometime in the middle of the night, I felt drugged and disoriented which made it easier to fall back into my nothingness...at least for a few minutes.  Nightmares kept pulling me out of my sleep and I know it's time to deal with this and I can't do it alone.  I reached out and found Dan's arm and could feel him place his hand over mine, "I'll call Laura in the morning"...I could feel his body instantly relax in relief. 


I couldn't fall back asleep and laid awake wondering why the demons were so restless and strong.  The damage has been done and it's forever a mark on my life, you can't change your history and some things that were stolen can never be returned...why continue to hurt and haunt me?  The darkness will never go away, it was given to me without thought or care.  I need to change strategies...I can't extinguish it, but perhaps we can coexist.  It's time to let Natalie out of the cage and place my demons in it...I need to hold her and protect her and not let her suffer anymore.  I could never willingly watch a child suffer and it almost seems crazy that I am talking about myself and I wonder if I have detached from her too as a way to move forward.  I will call Laura...I need to join forces to avoid the switch and hostile takeover of my life.