The Darkness XVIIII

I found a seat with CJ and my mother and put on my jersey.  I'm terrified and can feel the sweat drip down my back and this mornings breakfast rise in my throat, this is starting to feel a lot like Chicago. I was looking right at my mother and could see she was talking but I couldn't hear a thing except my breath and I had to concentrate to keep it under control.  I turned to CJ and clutched his arm, since I wasn't confident I could speak without trowing up I just showed him Mike's text.  He knows I haven't spoken to John in months but he also knows about my unhealthy attachment to him.

I could see the teams run onto the field out of the corner of my eye and I have to put my phone away and give this hour...for my son and for my mental health.  I'm not a doctor and Mike will text if there is any change, I have to let go and just enjoy the game while I wait.  I stood up and cheered when the captains took the field for the coin toss, I am so proud of that kid.  It's hard to believe that this is his final year of high school and only a few more football games left; his life has flown by me while I have watched mine disappear.  It's a lesson I don't want to learn with my daughter, the medication should help with that.  I thought of John's son and it kills me that so many children live without a parent because they were killed while on duty; at least there is honour in that, as opposed to having a mother who just refuses to live.  When you know better, you do better...I'll do better.

I grabbed my things off the bleaches and said my good byes to CJ and my mother.  I could see the sadness in CJ's eyes and I knew it was for me and not John, he worries about me and what my outcome will look like...I wish I knew.  I walked the field and hugged my son, I wish I could go back and have a do over.  He wasn't able to have lunch today so I handed him some cash, told him how much I love him and walked to my car.  I checked my phone but there was no messages, so I drove...