Summer of Natalie I

The first hour of the drive to Leann's was a blur, I could barely string together a thought.  I felt sick and broken not understanding what was going on with me and why I felt so alone and lost in my life. I hated leaving but couldn't stand the thought of continuing in a 'groundhog day' cycle of complete misery.  I became terrified of that life...where I merely existed and never really knew how to live or be happy anymore.

I often wondered if I struggled because I had trouble letting go of one part of my life and embracing the other.  I seen friends and family everyday looking completely happy in their home in the suburbs, playing with their children and looking almost picturesque in their happiness.  To be honest I don't know if what I felt was jealousy or sickness watching it.  I wanted so badly to feel content and happy with my life and not always day dream about what else there was or what I was missing out on.  I often remember my mother looking at me with tears in her eyes and saying, "it makes me sad that you will never be truly happy in life because you'll always want to see more, experience more and be more, in your case...ignorance would have been bliss".  I think in the beginning of my adult life my mother was happy to see me take on the world fearlessly, but now she wondered when it would ever be enough.  I try and go back over my life and decisions and all I can come to is that I feel loss.  I feel sad for the little girl who dreamed of law school, to travel the world and write.  I feel sad that I pushed her aside as if to say "you came close and that will have to do", just to to help others because I was infested with so many insecurities I chose them over her.  Now I spend my days worrying if it's too late, or who would now have to sacrifice for me...it makes me sick thinking if I choose me who will suffer.  Over the years I have come to believe in the power of worry like so many others believe in the power of prayer.

The anxiety starts to make an appearance as I think of how others will view my disgusting behaviour of leaving my family on weekends to be with one of my best friends.  I imagine I'll be viewed as selfish for taking this time to find out what I could possibly be missing from my world.  I start to feel nauseous and have to switch gears in thinking before I start throwing up and crying.  I couldn't
possibly throw up or shed one more tear.  My anxiety quickly shifts to anger thinking about the judgement and whispers and side looks I'll get.  It doesn't take long for me to feel the fire emerge and I quickly start to defend who I am and what I want...all in my head of course.  I am able to come to a few truths that make me feel balanced for the first time in days.  The first is that I am open and honest with my husband and he supports me fully, the second is that regardless of this path I am on I love my husband and children more than anything and know they deserve to have all of me and not just a version or shell of who I 'should' be and that those who love and support me will understand and help me along as I have helped them.  I start to feel relieved and a little relaxed.

I opened the window and hoped for Tom Petty to come on the radio.  Three towns and about an hour left of driving with guilt riding shotgun.

Starting My Journey VI

The last couple nights have been awful and I find I toss and turn more than I actually sleep.  Last night I think I passed out from pure exhaustion and feel slightly rested this morning.  I roll over to stretch and finally open my eyes when I notice Dan is awake...and staring at me, "good morning creepy".  He just laughs and throws a pillow at me.  We decide to sneak downstairs for coffee and alone time before she wakes.

We grab a coffee and stretch out on the couch, it feels relaxing and for the first time in a long time I feel content.  Dan lets me sit and enjoy this moment for a few minutes, the talk is coming and we both know it's the reason we are up earlier than usual.  I can feel the anxiety start to rise in me and I start telling Dan every feeling and thought I've been having as if I were throwing up everything I have ever eaten.  "Dan, I'm scared that if I take this opportunity I won't come back or that if I do I will always feel the itch to leave again".  He takes my hands and kisses them, "if you leave, it is not a matter of opportunity...it is a matter of time".  I know he's right.  I have always known with Dan that I am free to fly and live whatever life I want, marriage is not my enemy...time is.  "Natalie, the worst thing isn't you leaving, it's you staying and being miserable always wondering".  And then reality hit me like a train and I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "I am always going to love you and I will always be your friend but I may not always be your husband.  You have to find what will make you feel complete on your own.  One day the children will move out and have lives of their own and one day you may find yourself alone...find what will make you happy when it's just you".  At that point my brain couldn't decipher if I thought he was being mean or kind, but I knew it was the truth.

I packed my bag for the weekend and met him at the door.  I felt like I was being made to walk the plank, you can only move forward to the ledge and never back...I fucking hope I fly...

Starting My Journey V

I'm still feeling the effects from the weekend come Monday morning and decide that rather than checking my profile I should make breakfast for Dan.  Driving hungover for eight hours across the prairies may be the worst thing I've ever experienced in my adult life.  I'll try and remember if I ever get to go back that Saturday might be best spent as an early night rather than a sprint to the last call line.

Dan comes down to the kitchen and throws me a wink and a smile for making him breakfast.  I grab us some coffee and meet him at the table.  "Well how was your weekend?"  It took everything in me to not burst into song and dance..."it was okay".  Thank goodness for a lingering hangover otherwise I never would have been able to pull that off.  He looks up from his plate and laughs, "you drunk dialled me nine times".  I just giggle and offer an embarrassed apology.  Then I have to wonder who else I may have called or texted, I make a note to go through my phone later.  I can feel him staring at me and I don't want to make eye contact cause I know he will see it in my face...I want to go back.  Dan finishes his breakfast and grabs his coffee, "think you'd like to do it again?"  I wish that I could offer him an honest "it was fun but I'm in no rush" but that's not the case because truth be told I'm hoping I can go again Friday.  Dan starts clearing the table and I know it's to give me the couple minutes of privacy I need to gain my composure, he reads me like his favourite book.  "I'm sorry", it's really all I could say knowing if I started to explain why I was sorry I would burst into tears or worse...the darkness would return.

Dan brings us more coffee and flashes me his best smile, he knows he's handsome and makes me blush.  He holds my hand but does't make eye contact knowing it'll be too much for me to handle.  I can feel him laughing beside me and I look at him confused because this talk hardly called for laughter.  He finally looks at me, "remember the episode of Seinfeld with the 'Summer of George'?" I just nod, "maybe all you need is a Summer of Natalie".  Woah!! Did he seriously just offer me a summer to spend as I wanted?  I was almost too afraid to ask for fear I misunderstood him...but I really wanted to know what he had in mind.  "Like go away for the entire summer?  I don't want to." He just smiled, "no Natalie not the entire summer.  Take the weekends for yourself and be home during the week".  The darkness comes rushing back as if to remind me that if I didn't think I was a bad wife and mother before, I would be now if I actually accepted Dan's offer.  He gets up and places his cup in the sink, "I'm off to work but think about it and we'll talk tonight".  My body was almost numb from sickness and guilt, it took all my strength to walk him to the door.

I went up and crawled into bed with my daughter.   Tears streaming down my face and offering silent apologies for not being better.

Starting My Journey IV

I open one eye and immediately shut it due to the blinding sun coming through the blinds.  Am I on the floor?  I sure am, I have a slight memory of trying to figure out how to stop the room from spinning last night...the bed must have been too high to put my foot on the floor so I just climbed down and decided it was best to stay there.  It's been a long time since I've seen Leann and try not to giggle remembering last nights festivities as I have a crippling headache that compliments my sick stomach nicely.

I'm finally able to pick myself up off the floor and make my way to the washroom.  I take one look in the mirror and make a mental note to either stop wearing so much make up or start hunting Batman.  I can hear Leann crying or dying in the living room and I can only imagine that she feels and looks about the same as me.  I'll have to go see her...right after I have a nap on the washroom floor.

So there I was laying on the floor praying for the sweet release of death and two things occur to me; the first is that Dan is right, it is absolutely okay and essential for me to have time for myself and the second is that gin does not like me nearly as much as I like it.  The guilt of spending time with friends slides away and I feel a little relieved and happy...for now.  I'm well aware that one negative comment can easily erase the hundred positive ones...ugh it makes me sick thinking that negative people have so much power over what I think of myself.  I hear a knock at the door and Leann comes in with her blanket and takes a spot beside me on the floor she hands me Advil and water...I love this woman.

After packing up my things and having a little something to eat I know it's a long drive back and I have to get on the road if I want to put my daughter to bed tonight.  I hug my friend and grab my things.  I can't help but feel sad wondering if and when this would happen again, I mean it's not like she just lives down the street from me.  I jump in my car and throw my things in the back seat and head for the highway.  As I start to count the towns on my way home the guilt creeps back in and I know it's because I want to do this again...and I want to do it often.  At this point I'm just grateful that I'm far too dehydrated to cry, I open the sun roof and turn up the music...three towns down and about seven hours to go.

Starting My Journey III

I woke pretty early this morning, likely from my own anxieties.  I grabbed the computer and went to the kitchen for what has become a morning ritual for me.  This is a little escape for me, a break from my own thoughts and fears.  I grab my coffee and make my way to the couch with the dogs.   I log in to find 32 messages...I giggle because this has become more of a comic relief for me and less of an actual way to find people to meet.

Dan comes down for breakfast before he leaves for work, he looks over and smiles at me "how is the on line counselling and etiquette class going?" I have to laugh, he truly is the best person I have ever had the pleasure to know.  I tell him Robert messaged me again to go to the island but I declined because I didn't think I could swim the entire hundred miles to the mainland if I had to.  He makes us some toast and meets me at the table.

I know he knows, he can see it in my face.   He finally asks, "how have you been feeling, have you eaten or slept?" I just give him a slight smile, "very little".  He finishes his breakfast and grabs his coffee.  I know he wants to talk and my only hope is that I can keep the tears at bay long enough for us to have this talk.  He knows I am struggling keeping my demons under control and that each day is like being on high alert for fear they will return at any time.

Dan finishes his coffee and leads me to the couch where he can cuddle me.  "Natalie for the past three years you have done very little for yourself.  You were pregnant, then taking care of the baby as well as nurturing your long distance relationship with your son.  You need to remember that being a wife and mother is only part of who you are and that it is important to take care of you too."  I started to cry almost immediately, I love this man and wished so badly I could just be a perfect wife to him.  Dan and I always said we were the same person, we are free spirits that love to experience new things and take chances...our one difference is that Dan is able to fly freely while my wings have been clipped for fear of what others will think or say.

"Natalie I think you should pack a bag and go see your friend Leann for the weekend.  You need a break."  He decided to work from home today so I can leave this morning and start the eight hour drive.  Let me tell you that the following hour was a complete blur of packing and organizing and to be honest...I can't even recall if I brushed my teeth but I'm almost certain I showered...almost.  I stood at the door with my bag in my hand and as many pairs of shoes as I could fit in my arms.  The tears started pouring down my face...embarrassed and ashamed for wanting to go away for the weekend.  Dan came over to open the door, "it's okay Natalie, you don't have to feel bad for wanting some of your own time".  As I hear those words I know he is right but that does not take away the fear I have of what others might say or think of me...as a wife and mother.

I jump in my car and throw my bag in the back along with an obscene amount of shoes.  I just keep telling myself "it's okay".  I notice Dan left his cigarettes in the car and I think, "what the hell", I light one and take a long puff...that was immediately followed with me pulling the car over and throwing up for fifteen minutes.  Okay I'm not badass yet, I'll save those for after I've hit up happy hour.  I turn up the music and open the sun roof, only seven and a half hours left to go...

Starting My Journey II

It's almost 9am when I finally wake up and fear consumes me.  Where is she? Why isn't she up?  I run into her room to find her still fast asleep, I forgot about our 3am picnic in her bed when she woke from a nightmare.  I let her continue to sleep while I make coffee and pancakes.  She comes downstairs about half an hour later with her favourite blanket and demands her milk.

After breakfast we colour for a bit then make our beds and get ready to head out for a day of shopping.  She makes me giggle as she narrates all of her decisions and actions as she performs them.  She grabs her blanket and a teddy bear and heads to the car singing a song about all the toys she wants to get today.  I can't help but laugh and feel sad all at the same time.  I immediately think of my son and what he was like almost 15 years ago. 

To this day I feel a strong desire to defend my choices and actions in regards to my son.  I take offence when people ask "he doesn't live with you?"  Regardless of how innocent the question I immediately think I am being judged as a bad mother.  If I hear one other person say "I could never leave my child" I might just punch them in the face.  I feel like they are looking at me like I'm crazy for that even being an option let alone my reality.  Even as I write this, I know I have to state my side knowing full well that not everyone will care why, they will only care that it happened.  

I was pregnant at 18 and had my son shortly after turning 19.  His father was my best friend, and is still a close friend to this day.  I had the same feelings as I experience today, the days that run together, the sadness and anxieties that come from wondering if this is it forever.  The realization that I wasn't born to just be a mom and that I wanted to experience life, I at least wanted to go to university to better my life.  When I was accepted to the university it was bitter sweet, I was so excited to have the opportunity to open more doors for me and at the same time I knew that my son would not be coming on this journey with me...well not full time anyway.  Although my heart was breaking to leave him with his father I knew I could not take him...it didn't even make sense to take him.  As guilty as I felt for leaving, I just couldn't take him out of a stable home from his father who could care for him in every way and out of a city that was filled with his family and supports.  I mean why would I take him to a bachelor suite where he would need to go to day care daily and spend most of his time in care rather than with myself.  So my two choices were to leave him in his stable environment where he was safe and well taken care of, a place where I was invited to every weekend to visit, or I could take him with me to live in a bachelor suite and attend day care all day rather than spend that time with his grandmother.  I can stand here today and tell you that if this was anyone else's situation I would easily say it's a no brainer...if you take that child with you then it proves that you are acting for you and not in the best interest of that child.  I have always felt like I have acted in the best interest of my son...but for some reason the guilt I have for doing so makes me immediately defend my position, as if what you think should mean more than what I know for sure.  When I look at my son I know I made the right decision and it may not be your decision, but in my heart I know I loved him enough because I acted in his best interest and not to fulfill my selfish needs.   

She's waiting right by the car as I grab my purse and head into the garage, I love seeing her bouncy curls and big smile.  There are times I look at my daughter and see my son at that age, it grips my heart because I missed so much...I know it's time...something has to give...

Starting My Journey I

I finally slept and was able to stomach a small piece of toast this morning.  Positive emotions come flooding back to me like long lost friends I have ached for.  I'm not ignorant to the fact that my happiness is triggered by outside sources, and not just any sources...other men.  I grab my coffee and computer and curl up on my couch, the feeling of guilt arrives as scheduled when I log into my profile.

I attempt to ignore the sickening feeling as I start to read and answer messages.   I start to read profile after profile and wonder about these men who are essentially trying to find a partner in this cyber bar. It's quite obvious early on that many of these men are just looking for a one night stand even though their profile clearly states "looking to be married", I start to feel a little sad for the women who will fall into that lie.  I talk to men trying to have affairs as well as ones that are legitimately looking to make friends and see where it takes them.   I decide that my best route is to just make friends.  Somehow that decision does not make the guilt and anxiety subside.

I'm struggling trying to understand why I have this guilt and anxiety.  I mean I am always open and honest with my husband and I have not hurt anyone...where is this coming from?  And there it is...my "ah ha moment".  I immediately feel ashamed, I'm 35 years old and still desperately feel the need for acceptance.  But why?  Why do I care what other's think of me and the way I live my life?  I have to stop and think about this because the nauseous feeling is returning like a freight train, okay I do a check on myself.  Dan is aware of everything and I have not lied to him even a little, I am not hurting anyone and I am an adult that can make her own decisions.  Okay, the nausea begins to fade but I know it's always lurking close by.  I feel embarrassed by my incessant want and need to feel accepted, understood and seen as 'normal' by friends, family and strangers.  I always knew I sang a different tune in life and was a bit different then the people I surrounded myself with.  Everyone always seemed so content in life, like they always had it figured out.  I felt like I missed that day in school where they handed out the answers to life and were told directly not to share them with me.   I wanted so desperately to see in someone else what I felt in me, but it either never happened or even I wasn't sure what it looked like.  I feel sad knowing that I hid the quirky little girl inside like she was an embarrassment and chose to conform for fear as being seen as 'different' from those who love me and those who don't even know me.  

My daughter comes down the stairs, I didn't even hear her wake.  She is wearing a collage of colours that could spark a seizure in some people, complimented perfectly with a cape.  I look at her and smile...I will never hide this quirky little girl or be embarrassed...she is absolutely perfect and I could't be more proud.

The Character I Play in This World VI

I have no idea if I even slept last night.  I don't feel like I opened my eyes, I feel like they were already open and everything just came into focus.  I should be exhausted and hungry because I haven't slept or eaten in days but I'm neither.  The best way I can describe how I'm feeling these days is "blah".  I am in emotional purgatory.  After days of indescribable sadness coupled with sessions of uncontrollable crying, I am finally emotionally bankrupt.  And now I move on to the next stage...mere existence.

I find myself just going through the motions of everyday life rather than actually being a full participant.  I make breakfast for my daughter, send my son a text and kiss my husband before he leaves for work.  I feel a tinge of guilt because I know I'm doing these things out of love for my family but there is no real feeling of joy behind them.  I grab my coffee and sit with my daughter while she eats her waffles and watches her favourite morning shows.  I feel vacant, like I have completely checked out.  It starts to feel like im in a lucid dream where I have some control but lack all desire.

As the room comes back into focus I realize that I must have zoned out cause there's a new cartoon on and she has finished her breakfast.  I'm an awful person, how am I not overflowing with happiness?  I've reached the point where I couldn't possibly fake a smile or care to meet with friends.  I've become a shell...I simply move around my life like a robot that's been programmed to my life.

I don't feel like I can continue the day like this.  I need a pick me up, I look over and spot my computer, I'll just check my profile.  I have 22 messages, I smile for the first  time in days...I have found my fix.

The Character I Play in the is World V

There's no coffee this morning, no curling up on the couch with my pups and checking my profile.  There is only laying in bed wide awake and staring at the ceiling.  It's 4am or 5am...I have no idea cause it's always the same time in my world now.  The "groundhog day" cycle is back and with it comes the all the feelings of sadness, loneliness and loss.

But why?  Where is this coming from?  I mean I have a great life, amazing husband, beautiful children, friends and a job that I actually really like.  I almost feel like a spoiled brat pouting about everything I don't have or being jealous of what other's do.

I remember this cycle very well, the only other time I ever had it was when my son was the same age as my daughter is now.  I remember thinking "this is it forever" I'm a mom now and who I was and what I wanted is gone.  The stresses and anxieties come rushing back and wash over me, there's that fear...I'm a bad mother and wife.  I mean how am I not?  I'm embarrassed cause I come to the realization that as much as I love my children, and I love my children more than anything...I still want to have "me".  I still want to play out at least a small part of my life that I dreamed, I want to matter and still have something to look forward to that isn't just one of my children's milestones and accomplishments.  I immediately fear the judgement that will come in waves.  I was only 19 when I had my son and I remember almost two years later sitting in my home going through the same "groundhog day" cycle and thinking "I haven't even been to university".  I've barely seen or experienced the world.  And then I was hit with an enormous amount of guilt...ugh...it all feels too much.  I knew that in my early twenties I still had far too much life ahead of me for the days to be running together and felt ashamed for even wanting to leave.  It's not like I didn't want my son, I love him like nothing else.  My son is the first person I ever loved more than myself.  So there I was in my early twenties looking out the back door of my home and wondering how I was going to do it all and have it all.

As I lay in bed at whatever time it is I can reflect back and logically think "well that makes sense cause I was so young and still wanted to experience life".  But now I am 35 years old and all those feelings are back...now what?  I went to university, I travelled the world, I have a career and am in a much better space in my life.  Why is this happening again?  Am I truly an awful mother that once her children reach 18 months she crumbles and has the urge to run?  As I look at friends and see them with their children I wonder if they feel like this but would never ask cause then they might validate what I already fear.  Do people genuinely feel fulfilled living for someone else, even if that someone else is their child?  Why do I feel so guilty and ashamed for wanting more out of my life?  Am I broken?  Yes I love my children and husband...but can't I love me too?  Yes I want to best for my children and husband...and me too.  And yes I want my children and husband to live a full and happy life chasing their dreams.  Buy why do I feel so ashamed knowing I want that for me too.   Where did the belief come from that if I am not devoting 100% of my time and efforts to my husband and children then I am a bad wife and mother?  And why do I buy into it like it's the gospel?

The stress finally turns to numbness as I lay on my bathroom floor after a session of dry heaving out the anxieties that are overtaking my life.  I am grateful for the numbness and welcome it like a meditative state of the familiar nothingness.  I can hear her stir in her room and I roll over, get up off the floor and brush my teeth...duty calls and she waits for no one.

The Character I Play in this World IV

That moment when you wake up and can almost feel the grain in your eyelids from being so exhausted.  Ugh, I grab a coffee and my computer, put my feet up, cross my fingers and check my profile.

Okay to be fair, I am extremely tired from being up most of the night chatting with people I really don't care to know.  However this is so new and shiny and exciting I allow myself to be pulled away from my bed and sleep.  I mean I couldn't possibly do this during the day with a toddler...right?  I start to get into a groove for separating and weeding out the "not even if you were the last man on earth" profiles.  Then I start to see a pattern of the guys that are contacting me, ugh,  they are all between the ages of 21 and 25.   I just take a deep a breath and give the same response to all of them "You are probably a great guy but unfortunately you are far too young for me, you must be closer to my age then my sons".  I can't even entertain the thought of having an affair with a guy in his early twenties, it makes me cringe and gives me a creepy vibe.  It wasn't long before I was hit with messages of "age is only a number", "give it a try", "I'm more mature then you think"...blah blah blah.  Was there a cougar convention in town I didn't know about?  And what is going on with our young women that men in their age group were desperately trying to connect with older women?  I just can't be bothered with this age group so I proceed to delete and block all of them...but one.  And no this will not turn into a Mrs. Robinson blog.  I allowed one to stay and chat because he seemed lost and somewhat lonely.  I started to feel like he needed a friend more than a one night stand or girlfriend.  Leave it to a mother in her mid thirties struggling with her own identity and purpose in life to eagerly jump in and fix someone else's issues.   First things first I reiterate, "just so we are clear, I am happy chatting about any appropriate topics but this will never turn into anything intimate.  Are we clear?" "yeah, I understand".

I can barely look at the screen any longer, I grab my coffee and join Dan for breakfast.  Like the amazing husband he is, he asks "so, how's the on line life?" I just kinda roll my eyes and offer up "Let's just say I'm happy I have found my soul mate".   I begin to tell him about my new friend, the 23 year old I have scolded for the past half hour to speak appropriately otherwise he would be banished with the rest of his age group.  Dan looks up from his breakfast with a smile and asks "are you on an on line dating site teaching other's how to behave and setting up support groups for those you feel are lonely?" Smart ass!  What can I say?  I'm a natural problem solver, tell me your issue and I'll tell you the answer...well thats' how I see it anyway.  Other's may disagree based on my lack of a psychology degree.  Ok I'm no Dr. Phil but I do have life experience and I at least have 12 more years experience then junior who is trying to score nude selfies of me.  I can't believe this is new age dating, this is potentially how my son and daughter will find "the one".  I immediately make a mental note to speak to my daughter regarding appropriate vs inappropriate photos to send friends.

Ugh, I feel like I have been up for days and secretly hope my daughter will have a nap at some point in the day.  I can hear the garage door open as Dan leaves for work and I crawl back into bed with my completer and log into my profile one more time before she wakes...I feel like an addict that just needs one more drink.

The Character I Play in This World III

One of my favourite times of the day is when I wake up at an ungodly hour to check my dating profile.  I have my coffee, two dogs and about an hour that is completely mine.  Logging on and seeing what awaits me feels the same as the anticipation for Christmas morning...keeping in mind that sometimes you open the gift...or message and wonder WTF?

I remember filling out the lengthy questionnaire for the profile.  Part way through it I remember thinking "no way everyone is honest about this".  One of the questions asked about your income and they state it's to group you with others in your income class.  Great! so if I'm single and barely making ends meet, then please by all means give me someone else's money issues as well.  Whatever happened to money not mattering, I thought money wasn't supposed to be an issue.  Maybe instead of asking how much I make they should ask if I am drowning in debt.  For all they know I can really stretch a dollar and have no debt, but because I make $50,000 a year I can't get to know people out of my income group...hmmmm.  So I do what I think is appropriate, I double my income and double the amount of people who get to view me.  While I'm filling out this questionnaire it occurs to me that I am simply looking for fun, someone that could possibly go out a couple times a months and maybe a quick trip or two throughout the year, not someone to build a life with.  Now I feel completely justified in embellishing my profile and tweaking it just a little to find people that not only want what I do but can afford it as well.  Another thing occurs to me at the same time...if I'm lying about my income, there is a good possibility they are too...ugh I just can't win.  This process starts to become tedious and painful.  Yes I have children, no I do not want more.  Yes I enjoy travelling and my friends think I am outgoing and smart...because if they didn't then they likely wouldn't be my friends.  I really think they need a 'not applicable' button for some of these.  Do you want to get married? Do you want children? Where is the space for me to answer "thanks but I have both?" I just power through and start to answer the questions as if I was being asked to describe someone I would want to spend time with.

Ta da!  All done!  I take a deep breath and start window shopping for friends and possibly...dare I say...an affair.  Let me tell you that within ten minutes I realized that window shopping for a man on a free on line dating site is like window shopping at a dollar store.  I mean sure I do find some things useful there but it's not my store of choice.  But here I was and I wanted to at least give it a try, I figured I could talk to some people and maybe meet a friend or two.

Within a couple minutes of posting my profile and picture I get my first message..."are you DTF?" Yep, I am clearly at the dollar store digging through the bargain bin.  I click ignore and resume my search.  Before I know it another message pops up.  "Hi, my name is Robert, how are you?" Perfect someone with conversation skills. "I'm doing great thanks for asking, how are you?"  Robert tells me a little about himself, he is 57 years old, well travelled and has grown kids...oh and he recently became a widow.  As I'm taking in all of this information on my new friend I think, well he is older than I would want but he seems to have his life together and most importantly...started a conversation with "Hi" which is the best conversation I've had to date on this site.   I immediately tell Robert about my situation and tell him that I have no intention of leaving.   We start to chat about our lives and experiences and what we are looking for on this site.  Robert is very clear that he is looking for someone younger then he is because he is young at heart and enjoys staying active.  He told me about all of his travelling and desire to find a younger woman that he can take on vacation to his favourite island.  As I am reading this the obvious is going through my thoughts, he is handsome, smart, well travelled and is fine with my situation.  Things are looking up! This didn't take long at all, one guy appeared to be an idiot but my second interaction is almost exactly what I am looking for...with about twenty years more experience then I would have liked, oh well I can't win them all.  Robert is starting to speak very seriously about taking me to his favourite island to scuba dive, take in the culture, eat good food and just be good company for him.  As he is talking about this adventure he starts talking about how is wife used to love it there and would go almost on a monthly basis, he then continues to only speak on his dearly departed wife in great length.  I start to feel a little uncomfortable like I am becoming more a sounding board or therapist and less of a love interest.  "Robert, how long ago did your wife pass away?" It's not like I was expecting him to say twenty years ago, but when the answer came back "about six months ago" my jaw hit the keyboard.  So, me being a person who has to have clarity and likes to know intentions of others asks, "Robert are you hoping that you can take me to the island a few times a year as a way to replace the presence of your wife?" He simply responded "yes".  I had to take a minute to think about this because Robert is the second person I've spoken to and I've been out of the game a long time...was this normal? Do people do this?  Am I going to be trapped on an island with a middle aged man that is still grieving the loss of his wife?  Is there going to be enough alcohol on this island for me to look past the middle aged man crying on his lobster while he looks across the table at me and wished I was her?  And then the most simple thing popped into my head.  Remember as a child playing the game with your friends "what or who would you take to a deserted island?" well, I can pretty much guarantee you that I never answered "I'd take a middle aged man mourning the loss of his newly departed wife".

I'm counting today's on line dating adventure as a loss, but I am hopeful and if nothing else...entertained.

I finish my coffee, let my dogs outside and start making waffles for my little lady.

The Character I Play in This World II

Ahh my time for me, it's still dark out, I have sleep in my eyes and the dogs keep circling me for food.  Like I said...living the dream.

Being introduced to on line dating was like being introduced to drugs.  When you first try it the feeling is amazing, I felt almost high from the attention and started to neglect my everyday life like an addict.  I would chat for hours with several people from different cities and when I'd visit we would have a drink, maybe dinner or just walk around and discuss our interests.  It was new and fresh, I mean here was this person who knew nothing about me and couldn't possibly get tired of me telling them the same old stories...this person was a blank canvas when it came to my life.  Don't get me wrong, for every one person worth knowing long term there were at least a couple dozen that made me run top speed to my car and never look back.  I imagine on line dating was fun for me because I wasn't met with the pressure's to find "the one", after all my "one" was at home...with the baby.  Figuring out dating and an open marriage at the same time is like trying to learn two separate languages simultaneously.  My perfect life was becoming a struggle and the emotional toll started to become unbearable at times.  I found that I spent most of my weekends with friends in their home towns going out far too much.  Let me tell you something...I really adopted that idea that just because I can have sex with anyone does not mean I would have sex with everyone.  At this point I found the attention far more intoxicating than anything else and never felt the need to explore the sexual side...yet.  

After a few months of setting my marriage on the back burner while I lived a single life on weekends my husband was pretty much at his breaking point.  This is the point where my husband became the perfect man and partner.  When we sat down to discuss the future course of our marriage in an open and honest space I was able to come to a few realizations.  The first was that I felt almost trapped in a "groundhog day"  cycle where all my days were becoming the same and depression had become a very real issue for me.  The second was that I felt I had no real identity of my own, I always felt attached to someone else as a wife or mother.  I ached for "me" the little girl that dreamed big just like her personality.  I wanted something that was mine, and only mine, I did not want to share.  I opened up to Dan and we spoke about every emotion I had been feeling and the struggle with days blending together and even how I felt like I lost myself and dreams along this road of life.  My husband gave me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for...he gave me time.  Once every four to six weeks I get five days to myself.  Five glorious days to do anything I want, but here is the truly beautiful part...I get those days in New York City.  Living in NYC has always been a dream of mine and although we cannot do it full time, he allows me to do it once a month on my own.  I go and explore the city, meet people and spend time with myself...I have really missed me.  I have heard people say "well thats the way it is when you have children" but why does it have to be?  I mean why should my life no longer matter once I have a child? Why should my dreams fade away into something that is impossible?  I'm very much still alive and still filled with all the passion, drive and dreams.  If someone would have told me that having children means you have to give up your dreams, identity and autonomy I would have never had children.  How can I possibly help my children follow their dreams and their hearts if I have abandoned mine?  I'm still important and probably even more so now...I am a standard of a woman to my son and daughter.  I understand that many people will not agree with my lifestyle and maybe even shame me for setting a "poor example" for my children.  But to be clear, I am not looking for approval or permission...I have that from the one person that matters...Dan.  To my children I leave the legacy to live the life you desire...dream big, love life and be happy.  To try new things and explore and different is not wrong.  Never get stuck in the mold that is society...a society that will teach my daughter to hate her body or will put so much pressure on my son to become their version of a "man".  As long as I am not hurting others or infringing on their rights...I have every right to live the life I want and make no apologies for it. 

The Character I play in This World I

I feel like I’m starting in the middle of the book.  It feels far too intimidating starting at the beginning. I mean I’m 36 years old and wouldn’t even know how to start or the first story to tell or even know the relevance to the information I was providing.  Ok…so I am a 36 year old woman who is living the dream…well…my dream for the most part.  I guess I can always do little fancy flash backs if I need to tie anything in but I’d be shocked if anyone actually cared where i grew up or what my family experience was like.  If I need the back story to create the relevance than I’ll introduce people accordingly…but until then…my third cousin twice removed does not need to be discussed.  

Ok, so like I said…I am 36 years old and living my dream…for the most part. I have two children, one is 17 years old and the other is 2.5 years old.  Yes that is a large gap in age and yes I started over and yes I am on my second marriage.  I went to university with the dream that I was going to be a lawyer…and not just any lawyer…one that was going to change the world and become a power house in international law.  However, I left a few years back with my arts degree for philosophy.  I remember my husband saying “wow, now you can argue with people in the park”, I proudly looked back and him and responded “that’s true, but now I am confident I can win those arguments”.  I took philosophy knowing my end game was law, but several thousands of dollars in student loans later and i decided to take my degree, join the work force and possibly go back one day for law.  That by the way has not happened yet…but I have all the confidence that one day I will at least write the LSAT…hopefully only once.  

I have been married to my beautiful husband for almost nine years and to tell you he gives me everything a woman could want seems like a serious understatement.  We have travelled the world, we have built a financially secure life, we have built our perfect house and have a relationship that feels bullet proof.  Dan may be the most perfect partner in the universe…but he will be the first to tell you…he is only perfect for me…see what I mean?  Dan and i met one night when we were out with friends and our story is anything but regular.  Yep, we had a one night stand and then we slowly started dating.  He was graduated from engineering when we met and got a job out of the province a month later.  There was no questioning…I was going with him.  We met in October, moved together in March, engaged in San Francisco in August and married in Vegas in February…we honeymooned in Europe for six weeks a year after we were married.  You see, Dan and I always knew…we knew that we were different from other people when it came to our relationship.  Ever meet someone and have immediate trust?  That has happened to me once…and I married him.  My life with him for the first seven years was completely unreal to me.  We travelled all the time, got a long perfectly and built a beautiful life together.  Year eight has been like a curve ball out of no where.  Earlier in the year I asked Dan to open up our marriage.  I simply went to him and stated that I was ready to be in an open marriage.  I wanted to dive in an explore the side of me I left years ago…the single side.   Dan and i always knew we would one day have an open marriage, however I jumped in head first while he was still trying to read all the fine print.  Why the open marriage in a perfect marriage?  I guess because somewhere along the way i forgot that being a mother and wife is only part of who i am, because somewhere along the way law school fell away and so did Natalie.  So here I was 35 years old and a mother of two, graduate with an arts degree and on my second marriage…somehow I felt like I was on the outside looking at someone else’s life.  Where was the woman that was going to conquer the world and change it…she had drive, motivation and was fearless.  This woman was now wondering how all the days seemed the same and what she was looking forward to was not what she had planned maybe not what she had wanted.  Okay…so i kick open the doors to my marriage and take on this crazy world with a new and exciting energy.  This was going to be easy, I would date again and go out and have fun and Dan was going to do the same…or so i thought.  Let me be the first to tell you, it is far easier for a woman to be in an open relationship than a man.  I mean imagine when a woman tells a man that she only wants to have fun, maybe travel and of course a sexual side as well and that she has no interest in ever leaving her husband.  Men would look at me like they hit the jackpot…all the fun and none of the drama and no real strings attached.  Dan on the other hand was met with women who wanted to get married, have children and long lasting relationships.  

I was like a kid in a candy store.  I was introduced to online dating and the rest is history!  Ok, maybe not history since I’m definitely still in the thick of it but I have to make my two year old breakfast, get ready for renovations and start my day as a wife and mother.