Starting My Journey I

I finally slept and was able to stomach a small piece of toast this morning.  Positive emotions come flooding back to me like long lost friends I have ached for.  I'm not ignorant to the fact that my happiness is triggered by outside sources, and not just any sources...other men.  I grab my coffee and computer and curl up on my couch, the feeling of guilt arrives as scheduled when I log into my profile.

I attempt to ignore the sickening feeling as I start to read and answer messages.   I start to read profile after profile and wonder about these men who are essentially trying to find a partner in this cyber bar. It's quite obvious early on that many of these men are just looking for a one night stand even though their profile clearly states "looking to be married", I start to feel a little sad for the women who will fall into that lie.  I talk to men trying to have affairs as well as ones that are legitimately looking to make friends and see where it takes them.   I decide that my best route is to just make friends.  Somehow that decision does not make the guilt and anxiety subside.

I'm struggling trying to understand why I have this guilt and anxiety.  I mean I am always open and honest with my husband and I have not hurt anyone...where is this coming from?  And there it is...my "ah ha moment".  I immediately feel ashamed, I'm 35 years old and still desperately feel the need for acceptance.  But why?  Why do I care what other's think of me and the way I live my life?  I have to stop and think about this because the nauseous feeling is returning like a freight train, okay I do a check on myself.  Dan is aware of everything and I have not lied to him even a little, I am not hurting anyone and I am an adult that can make her own decisions.  Okay, the nausea begins to fade but I know it's always lurking close by.  I feel embarrassed by my incessant want and need to feel accepted, understood and seen as 'normal' by friends, family and strangers.  I always knew I sang a different tune in life and was a bit different then the people I surrounded myself with.  Everyone always seemed so content in life, like they always had it figured out.  I felt like I missed that day in school where they handed out the answers to life and were told directly not to share them with me.   I wanted so desperately to see in someone else what I felt in me, but it either never happened or even I wasn't sure what it looked like.  I feel sad knowing that I hid the quirky little girl inside like she was an embarrassment and chose to conform for fear as being seen as 'different' from those who love me and those who don't even know me.  

My daughter comes down the stairs, I didn't even hear her wake.  She is wearing a collage of colours that could spark a seizure in some people, complimented perfectly with a cape.  I look at her and smile...I will never hide this quirky little girl or be embarrassed...she is absolutely perfect and I could't be more proud.