Starting My Journey V

I'm still feeling the effects from the weekend come Monday morning and decide that rather than checking my profile I should make breakfast for Dan.  Driving hungover for eight hours across the prairies may be the worst thing I've ever experienced in my adult life.  I'll try and remember if I ever get to go back that Saturday might be best spent as an early night rather than a sprint to the last call line.

Dan comes down to the kitchen and throws me a wink and a smile for making him breakfast.  I grab us some coffee and meet him at the table.  "Well how was your weekend?"  It took everything in me to not burst into song and dance..."it was okay".  Thank goodness for a lingering hangover otherwise I never would have been able to pull that off.  He looks up from his plate and laughs, "you drunk dialled me nine times".  I just giggle and offer an embarrassed apology.  Then I have to wonder who else I may have called or texted, I make a note to go through my phone later.  I can feel him staring at me and I don't want to make eye contact cause I know he will see it in my face...I want to go back.  Dan finishes his breakfast and grabs his coffee, "think you'd like to do it again?"  I wish that I could offer him an honest "it was fun but I'm in no rush" but that's not the case because truth be told I'm hoping I can go again Friday.  Dan starts clearing the table and I know it's to give me the couple minutes of privacy I need to gain my composure, he reads me like his favourite book.  "I'm sorry", it's really all I could say knowing if I started to explain why I was sorry I would burst into tears or worse...the darkness would return.

Dan brings us more coffee and flashes me his best smile, he knows he's handsome and makes me blush.  He holds my hand but does't make eye contact knowing it'll be too much for me to handle.  I can feel him laughing beside me and I look at him confused because this talk hardly called for laughter.  He finally looks at me, "remember the episode of Seinfeld with the 'Summer of George'?" I just nod, "maybe all you need is a Summer of Natalie".  Woah!! Did he seriously just offer me a summer to spend as I wanted?  I was almost too afraid to ask for fear I misunderstood him...but I really wanted to know what he had in mind.  "Like go away for the entire summer?  I don't want to." He just smiled, "no Natalie not the entire summer.  Take the weekends for yourself and be home during the week".  The darkness comes rushing back as if to remind me that if I didn't think I was a bad wife and mother before, I would be now if I actually accepted Dan's offer.  He gets up and places his cup in the sink, "I'm off to work but think about it and we'll talk tonight".  My body was almost numb from sickness and guilt, it took all my strength to walk him to the door.

I went up and crawled into bed with my daughter.   Tears streaming down my face and offering silent apologies for not being better.