Being introduced to on line dating was like being introduced to drugs. When you first try it the feeling is amazing, I felt almost high from the attention and started to neglect my everyday life like an addict. I would chat for hours with several people from different cities and when I'd visit we would have a drink, maybe dinner or just walk around and discuss our interests. It was new and fresh, I mean here was this person who knew nothing about me and couldn't possibly get tired of me telling them the same old stories...this person was a blank canvas when it came to my life. Don't get me wrong, for every one person worth knowing long term there were at least a couple dozen that made me run top speed to my car and never look back. I imagine on line dating was fun for me because I wasn't met with the pressure's to find "the one", after all my "one" was at home...with the baby. Figuring out dating and an open marriage at the same time is like trying to learn two separate languages simultaneously. My perfect life was becoming a struggle and the emotional toll started to become unbearable at times. I found that I spent most of my weekends with friends in their home towns going out far too much. Let me tell you something...I really adopted that idea that just because I can have sex with anyone does not mean I would have sex with everyone. At this point I found the attention far more intoxicating than anything else and never felt the need to explore the sexual side...yet.
After a few months of setting my marriage on the back burner while I lived a single life on weekends my husband was pretty much at his breaking point. This is the point where my husband became the perfect man and partner. When we sat down to discuss the future course of our marriage in an open and honest space I was able to come to a few realizations. The first was that I felt almost trapped in a "groundhog day" cycle where all my days were becoming the same and depression had become a very real issue for me. The second was that I felt I had no real identity of my own, I always felt attached to someone else as a wife or mother. I ached for "me" the little girl that dreamed big just like her personality. I wanted something that was mine, and only mine, I did not want to share. I opened up to Dan and we spoke about every emotion I had been feeling and the struggle with days blending together and even how I felt like I lost myself and dreams along this road of life. My husband gave me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for...he gave me time. Once every four to six weeks I get five days to myself. Five glorious days to do anything I want, but here is the truly beautiful part...I get those days in New York City. Living in NYC has always been a dream of mine and although we cannot do it full time, he allows me to do it once a month on my own. I go and explore the city, meet people and spend time with myself...I have really missed me. I have heard people say "well thats the way it is when you have children" but why does it have to be? I mean why should my life no longer matter once I have a child? Why should my dreams fade away into something that is impossible? I'm very much still alive and still filled with all the passion, drive and dreams. If someone would have told me that having children means you have to give up your dreams, identity and autonomy I would have never had children. How can I possibly help my children follow their dreams and their hearts if I have abandoned mine? I'm still important and probably even more so now...I am a standard of a woman to my son and daughter. I understand that many people will not agree with my lifestyle and maybe even shame me for setting a "poor example" for my children. But to be clear, I am not looking for approval or permission...I have that from the one person that matters...Dan. To my children I leave the legacy to live the life you desire...dream big, love life and be happy. To try new things and explore and different is not wrong. Never get stuck in the mold that is society...a society that will teach my daughter to hate her body or will put so much pressure on my son to become their version of a "man". As long as I am not hurting others or infringing on their rights...I have every right to live the life I want and make no apologies for it.
Good Afternoon!
ReplyDeleteI feel compelled to send you this after reading your blog, which I look forward to reading daily. I know we're not friends Natalie and reconciled ages ago that that opportunity has passed but am going to be honest with you...after reading your thoughts I feel a kinship of sorts. I'm not one to judge your situation, that wouldn't be fair being as I'm unaware of all the events that have brought you to where you are today, I also will not give my opinion, its not my place to do so...what I am going to do is thank you!
You hit on some things with your blog that have made me think I also need to re-examine my own life...I too have let what others feel is acceptable dictate the choices I make for me. I have let peoples opinions/wants/needs stifle and hold me back from my dreams...and I DO have dreams. I also am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I let people judge me based on what they deem there actions show about who they are while pointing out that the choices they have made may be shortcomings in me should I not make the same decisions - their choices are status quo and should I not conform or have the same priorities I am less of a person. I have been made to feel guilty for relishing in "my" time more often than not which comes with significant guilt and believing that am in some respects a failure. I cried after reading the first two, there was a lonely feeling inside that I didn't realize existed or perhaps just didn't want to have to acknowledge for fear of how taking control of my life may affect others but also always questioning why my happiness needs to be on the back burner due to potential backlash. I also feel that I have not lived for me for most of the last 15 years of my life and that my true potential may never be known but, unlike you, am too terrified of the potential consequences to be brave enough to say, "its my turn".
You have caused me to pause and think, something I don't allow myself to do very often at all and simply choose to trod along and HOPE that something changes because I don't have the strength to challenge what I already know. I applause you for your decisions and being brave enough to say what your needs are then having the strength to follow through with that.
I have always known you to be a beautiful, caring, motivated, strong and loving woman. I am proud that you are a part of my sons and daughters life and believe there is much they can learn from you....me as well. I also believe that your words will resonate deeply with woman as a whole, we are the caregivers and society has dictated our role for centuries, its an antiquated job description.
So thank you. Thank you for all represent to me and anyone else who reads your eloquently spoken, truthful and I'd assume sometimes words that may be scary to hear yourself say!!!
XO
Tina
Thank you so much for following me on my blog and supporting me in my dream. My hope is that we can build a movement for people to remember who they were and and what they wanted...children and an amazing husband are a blessing...not an anchor. Thanks for the feedback it is truly appreciated.
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