Starting My Journey III

I woke pretty early this morning, likely from my own anxieties.  I grabbed the computer and went to the kitchen for what has become a morning ritual for me.  This is a little escape for me, a break from my own thoughts and fears.  I grab my coffee and make my way to the couch with the dogs.   I log in to find 32 messages...I giggle because this has become more of a comic relief for me and less of an actual way to find people to meet.

Dan comes down for breakfast before he leaves for work, he looks over and smiles at me "how is the on line counselling and etiquette class going?" I have to laugh, he truly is the best person I have ever had the pleasure to know.  I tell him Robert messaged me again to go to the island but I declined because I didn't think I could swim the entire hundred miles to the mainland if I had to.  He makes us some toast and meets me at the table.

I know he knows, he can see it in my face.   He finally asks, "how have you been feeling, have you eaten or slept?" I just give him a slight smile, "very little".  He finishes his breakfast and grabs his coffee.  I know he wants to talk and my only hope is that I can keep the tears at bay long enough for us to have this talk.  He knows I am struggling keeping my demons under control and that each day is like being on high alert for fear they will return at any time.

Dan finishes his coffee and leads me to the couch where he can cuddle me.  "Natalie for the past three years you have done very little for yourself.  You were pregnant, then taking care of the baby as well as nurturing your long distance relationship with your son.  You need to remember that being a wife and mother is only part of who you are and that it is important to take care of you too."  I started to cry almost immediately, I love this man and wished so badly I could just be a perfect wife to him.  Dan and I always said we were the same person, we are free spirits that love to experience new things and take chances...our one difference is that Dan is able to fly freely while my wings have been clipped for fear of what others will think or say.

"Natalie I think you should pack a bag and go see your friend Leann for the weekend.  You need a break."  He decided to work from home today so I can leave this morning and start the eight hour drive.  Let me tell you that the following hour was a complete blur of packing and organizing and to be honest...I can't even recall if I brushed my teeth but I'm almost certain I showered...almost.  I stood at the door with my bag in my hand and as many pairs of shoes as I could fit in my arms.  The tears started pouring down my face...embarrassed and ashamed for wanting to go away for the weekend.  Dan came over to open the door, "it's okay Natalie, you don't have to feel bad for wanting some of your own time".  As I hear those words I know he is right but that does not take away the fear I have of what others might say or think of me...as a wife and mother.

I jump in my car and throw my bag in the back along with an obscene amount of shoes.  I just keep telling myself "it's okay".  I notice Dan left his cigarettes in the car and I think, "what the hell", I light one and take a long puff...that was immediately followed with me pulling the car over and throwing up for fifteen minutes.  Okay I'm not badass yet, I'll save those for after I've hit up happy hour.  I turn up the music and open the sun roof, only seven and a half hours left to go...