A Love, A Loss, And Peace XXVIII

I unlocked his door and walked to where he used to sit everyday and watch his favourite old movies. I looked around at what he had in the end and decided to donate everything including all of the food I just purchased a couple of days ago. I grabbed the two large packing boxes I filled on my last visit, they contained every last photograph he had and I wanted to go through them with Patty and Erin. We did manage to find a few little  mementos that we remembered from our childhood, like his pocket watch and jack knife. We loaded up the trucks and they took all of his life away to the Salvation Army...it's only possessions, we hold his memories and legacy in our hands and hearts.

I got the call that my father was being taken to the crematorium and would be back and ready for burial in a few weeks, I was planning on buying him in September when the land was thawed and Patty and I could do it together. In the end my father wanted very little; to die in his home and to be buried at his father's feet. I let him leave the hospital and the same night he died in his bed now I just had to wait a few months to finish up and then he could finally rest in peace. No matter what, I have come this far and I won't let him down. Come hell or high water, whether by day or night...my father's final resting place will be with his parents.

I tossed the keys on the counter, took one last look around then closed the door behind me...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXVII

I stood in the doorway and let her have time alone with our father. She was daddy's girl her whole life, they were like two peas in a pod; I'm not mad, my mother and I are thick as thieves. I'm more like my father and my sister is more like my mother so I guess it makes sense who we gravitated towards. She just sat there in the chair staring at him and silently crying for over an hour. When she wiped the last of her tears she knelt beside dad and said good bye one last time.

I was waiting with the lady who had organized his cremation when she was finally ready to leave. This is it, no more visits or new pictures...I ran to take one last look, I never want to forget any part of him. I never told her what Trina said, we just told her that she was okay not seeing him and was fine with us taking care of everything. Here's the thing, Patty is old school about a lot of things...like respect for her father, she would have lost her marbles if she heard that phone call. Patty tried year after year to be part of Trina's life, wanting to connect and know her and her family but she finally gave up when Trina became controlling over our father and her obsession to put him in a home. I have never cared to know her...I could smell her meanness from across the street.

Erin, Patty and I left together and drove one last time through the old neighbourhood, we found the houses we grew up and the one our father was born in. I have done this drive every single time I come home, it's eerily comfortable because now I can only remember the good times. I reached into the backseat and held her hand, feeling her tears bounce off of my wrist...I have to plan the burial.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXVI

Erin called Trina the same time he called me but hadn't heard back from her, until now. I stayed silent when he answered the call in his car, it was on bluetooth so I heard every word. Erin explained to her what happened the days leading up to my father dying and offered support if she needed anything. I don't know, maybe I expected too much, maybe I have no right to say a word when it comes to her and our father, everyone mourns differently.

"Throw out all of his shit". Erin almost snapped his neck turning towards me and placing his finger over his mouth to shush me. I can be straight fire when dealing with relatives like her. 

"Did you want to see your father?"

"Nah, tell me when the apartment is done". I was crying again, not because I was sad but because I loathed her so much in every possible way. She was everything I never wanted to be, cold and callous, selfish and greedy. Her mother died years ago and she did the exact same thing. I decided then that she got no say in anything that would be decided...fuck her!

Erin hung up on her and cried with me, we couldn't believe someone could be so incredibly vacant and cold. But her shit doesn't belong to me and I'm not about to change that. I have no interest in building a bridge to her, and now the only reason we ever had to run into each other is dead...and I am sure she will go the exact same way...alone. 

Family is about to come out of the woodworks expecting the Irish wake and funeral. I love the way they smirk at me like I fucking owe them something. They act like I am disrespectful by not having a funeral, open bar no less. These same people haven't bothered to visit my father, take him out or even dial his fucking number. There will be no funeral because that was one of my father's wishes, he didn't want to celebrate his life with people who couldn't be bothered to celebrate when he was alive. I'm just like my father...I get the last fuck you! 

Patty's flight just landed and I need her right now.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXV

I finally stopped crying long enough to catch my breath and take it all in. I got up and rummaged around the room, which doubled as an office, looking for a Sharpie. I read a book once where people left messages on the coffin as a lovely message before they went to their final resting place. My father is going to be cremated but I still wanted to send him off with love and forgiveness.

Dear Dad,

I'm sorry I lost so much time being angry with you. I'm sorry I stole years you would have had with your grandchildren. I have so many good memories growing up and I want you to know that I love you and I am going to miss you so much. I'm glad we were able to spend that last few years building our bridge back to one another and I am happy that we got to say good bye. I'm going to miss you until I see you again...Love Toad.

I kissed my hand and placed it over his forehead then made my way back to the lady who let me in.

I was relieved to find Erin sitting with her while waiting for me. I asked the lady to give me one more day before my father is taken...I want Patty to see him, to say good bye...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXIV

Before I checked out of my hotel I called Air Canada and arranged for my sister, Patty, to fly in and help me clean out all of his things.

I went to the place where they were holding my father's body, I wanted to see him again. The woman who greeted me shook my hand and apologized for my loss before she led me down the hall and up a few steps to the room; she opened the door, squeezed my shoulder then turned on her heel and walked back down the hallway.

I stood in the doorway for a few minutes then slowly walked over to the wooden box. He looked peaceful, finally resting and out of pain. I dropped to my knees, leaned my head against the side of the box and sobbed. Have you ever hurt so much you can feel your soul cry? I curled up into a ball beside his pine box and cried until there was nothing left. 

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXIII

I woke with a headache, I cried too much. I made my way to the washroom to take some Advil, wash my face and brush my teeth. I was happy to see nothing on my phone, no texts, no missed calls and no updates...I jumped in the shower hoping to wash away the last few days.

I laid on the bed to stretch out and dry off, I drifted off through my own tears wondering how I would be able to go back and do it all over again. I'll call him when I wake...

I woke forty five minutes later to my phone ringing, it's Erin. I rubbed my eyes and fumbled for the phone. "Hey, what's going on?"

"They found your father unresponsive this morning in his bed". I could hear a crack in his voice, a sadness.
"He has a DNR Erin, make sure they don't do anything". I sat straight up in bed...I need to pack my bag back up.
"He's been dead for several hours Natalie, I'm sorry". I didn't even realize I was crying, I felt numb, I felt lost, I felt scared and I felt lonely.
"Natalie, Are you there?"
"Yeah". But I should be there....

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXII

I wasn't in a hurry to get to Toronto, I just wanted to drive and lose myself for a day or two. I thought about heading to Montreal but decided to stay closer just in case I have to turn around and go back. I was never a fan of Toronto so I kept driving and settled on Niagara.

I booked a room with a view of the falls, maybe I could get some writing done while I'm there. I remember the first time we went to Niagara on a family trip, it didn't look anything like it does now. Now it looks like tourism threw up all over it and it's the same stuff you see in any major tourist place...so I prefer to stare at the falls than the tourist traps that are lit up and crawling with people.

I had a hot bath then sat by the window and stress cried for over an hour. Maybe I shouldn't have left him. I texted Erin to check in and let him know where I was, "hey, I got dad his medications, some food and tucked him into bed. I'll call you tomorrow". I exhaled and pulled the oversized comforter over myself and drifted off.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XXI

I woke to my father drinking orange juice and watching tv. I sat up straight in the chair and wished him good morning...I really didn't know if he would make it through the night, My father's state is fragile but my father is stubborn so he is having a stand off with death. I smiled and opened a yogurt for him and stood up to stretch and find a nurse or doctor.

I opened the curtain into the emergency room; they didn't have bed space for him. I recognized his doctor standing at a computer so I went over to catch up and plan what would happen next.

"Hey, Natalie. I didn't want to wake you but was hoping I would see you before I left". I must have looked stressed or confused because he stopped everything and gave me his full attention.
"Dad won't do dialysis". I was tearing up but not sure why...this wasn't new information.
"He did produce some urine last night, did he tell you?"
"No, we didn't really talk this morning. I wanted to talk to you".
"Listen, I have four colleagues that help me try and understand the anomaly that is Mac. All five of us have no idea how he is still alive, we actually don't know how he has survived the past decade. We have never seen anything like this, and now he is back to urinating. I have never seen someone almost die almost weekly and be able to just...not".
My father's health is frustrating because it makes him suffer while his will makes him live with it...even the doctors are exhausted and confused.
"So what now?"
"Well, he is passing urine so if you agree then we can send him home. He's not going to get better, this is as good as it gets, so let's at least let him be comfortable".
We had been through this so many times with my father, leaning over the edge and then leaning back in and deciding to stay.
"I'll go tell him the good news. This time I really thought he was done".
"I understand, I have been proven wrong by that man more times than I can count".

After I freshened up I made my way back to my father to let him know he won again.
"So, you finally peed". I couldn't help but smile, he is one stubborn son of a bitch. He's ready to go but it has to be on his terms.
"I sure did. When can I go home?"
"The nurse is getting the papers ready and I'll sign them".
"You're going to let me go home?"
"Absolutely. There's no real point to you staying now". I couldn't help but think he was playing a game of mental chess with me and I was curious why.
"Did you hear from the other two?" He was talking about my sister's, my father has three daughter's and I am the youngest.
"Only Patty, I have no idea about Trina". Patty and I grew up together and never had a relationship with his oldest daughter...but that didn't stop her from treating Patty and I like trash on the rare occasion we ran into her regarding our father. Trina won't come because she wants to control my father and put him in a home...there are only two things my father wants, to stay home until he passes and to be buried with his father. I don't care for or respect her agenda so I took over and put my father back in charge of his own life. Fuck her!

I was standing outside of his room when I spotted Erin coming down the hall. I exhaled and ran to him with the good news...is it good news? I can't tell anymore.

"Did he make it?" He looked crushed.
"He peed". I smiled and we both rolled our eyes and revelled in the extraordinary medical miracle that is my father.
"So, what are they going to do with him?"
"I just signed papers to send him home".
"Makes sense, are you staying?"
"I rented a car, I'm going to head to Toronto for two days and be right back. I need a mental health break and a beer".
"Let's take him home and I'll bring you to get your car. I'll get him back to his routine and take him for dinner. Then we can get together when you get back and plan for next time". It seems like there will always be a next time.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XX

We stayed with my father for a few hours, laughed about the old times and told the same stories I could now recite without ever having been there to see the actual events. Erin and my father went at it a bit about his stubbornness but in the end my father won...he is after all the one who is suffering every single day. I think Erin hoped that if he stayed close enough and did enough that my father would develop a will to live but I haven't recognized a desire for life in several years. He held my father's hand, kissed his forehead and left for the night, unsure what the morning would bring.

I hugged Erin good-bye, closed the curtain and pulled my chair back over to my father's side. I held his hand, never expecting a conversation but maybe it's part of the process.

"So this is it? This is where you leave me?" You beg the universe to make the suffering stop and when it delivers, you hate how it ends the suffering.
"I'm sorry toad". He hadn't called me toad since I was about six years old.
"Me too, I'm sorry I was angry for so long". I rested my head on his arm and let my tears run to his fingers.
"I love you Natalie and I'm sorry but I cannot fight anymore, I'm tired and lonely".
The tears were flushing all of the anger I held onto for the past nearly twenty four years. I was so angry with the way he left us that I never did the work to even try and understand why he wanted to leave or how it had nothing to do with me.
"Dad, I'm not mad anymore. I should have grown up a long time ago, I should have forgiven sooner and loved better".
He placed his hands on my face, him no longer crying and me barely able to see through my tears. He's comes to terms with it...he's waiting for me to catch up.
"I love you toad".
I sobbed into the sheet while he held my hands and stroked my hair.

A love, A Loss, and Peace XIX

I met Erin and his wife Joanne at a steakhouse across town. I ordered a beer and sparkling water while they split a bottle of Merlot. Erin had been taking care of my father for the past few years and I wanted to take him out as a thank you...and I guess now to tell him it's all but done. Erin loves my father, after his own father left his life he grew much closer to mine and I felt guilty for being relieved my father had someone.

Erin smirked when I told him then took a large gulp of wine, he's hurting. "He's so fucking stubborn Natalie", he swallowed the last of his glass. I don't remember the last time my family gathered out of happiness and not a coffin; there are no happy reunions left, just long drawn out good byes. I smiled to myself thinking about my father and how incredibly bull headed he had been...and how he instilled that into his youngest daughter...me.

After dinner I paid the bill and hugged Joanne good night.

Erin and I are headed back to the hospital, he was not about to go home and miss his chance to send him off. Erin's a good man and I almost feel worse for him than my father; when my father goes he will be relieved of all of his pain but Erin will miss the routine of loving and caring for a man he thought of as a father. Erin doesn't understand 'give-up', his mother would move mountains before she ever gave up and he is just like his mother...my father just might have a fight on his hands. Is there a more Irish way to go?

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVIII

I was startled awake by the nurse administering more drugs to my father. He was never a good patient, he fought with the nurses because he didn't want the drugs but they have a job to do. I rolled my eyes then rubbed them, I was feeling annoyed with him. I get that he's ready to go and make peace with his life but I wasn't exactly caught up to him.

After she left I pulled my chair closer to my father and held his hand, he's so fragile and torn...he doesn't want to leave his kids but he wants to go home to his parents, he misses his father and is tired. I caught my breath and squeezed his index finger, like I used to when I was his little girl.
     "How are you feeling?"
     "Like shit, I haven't felt good since I don't remember when".
     "What about dialysis?"
     "I'm not doing it, no intervention at all". I didn't flinch, this is his life and I am playing his last cards the way he would have.
     "Okay, I'm going for dinner with Erin and I'll come back in a few hours. Can I bring you anything?"
     "Cigarette and Diet Pepsi".

I looked back and flashed him a sassy smile since he thought he was slick adding cigarettes.

I drove to the restaurant in silence wondering how I was going to say good bye to my father...one last time...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVII

I found my cousin in the emergency room and he took me to my father. He was hooked up to a couple machines and seemed to be in good spirits; he always appeared happiest when he felt he could see the end. He informed me that he pressed the button on his emergency bracelet when he couldn't catch his breath...two packs of cigarettes a day since he was about eleven year old, he was never going to catch his breath again. He was retaining water, I could see it in his feet and hands; the nurse notified me he gained almost twenty two pounds of fluids in a matter of days. Kidney failure, heart failure...nothing was working right but I still wasn't ready to hear he needed dialysis.

A common theme my father has echoed throughout the last couple of years is his disdain for dialysis and nursing homes. He knows he hasn't urinated in a while but he doesn't know I'm about to test his stance on intervention. I have to make sure I do what he wants so I can't sit on this for long; he has a DNR in place so he needs to know this is the last road home.

I slid the curtain aside and found my father napping in his small cubicle of a room. I pulled a chair up to his bed to stare at him; half wanting to remember him forever and half wanting to capture the strength and father I used to know. He opened his eyes when my phone vibrated on the floor. He looked annoyed and exhausted when he woke.
    "What did the doctor say?"
    "He said you have to pee or he's going to start dialysis".
    "I'm not doing dialysis".
    "Then you're going to die".
    "I know..." he closed his eyes and fell back asleep...

I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes...he knew all along...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVI

My father was calling me twice a day confirming that I would be in town to visit on the date I gave him nearly three months ago. I knew he was lonely but it was starting to feel desperate and out of character; he was always in a good mood waiting for me to arrive so I made sure that I wouldn't miss him.

I arrived in time to take him to dinner then grab him a few treats before I went back to my room for the night. I liked visiting my father but he's a chain smoker and hates to leave his place, I try and survive under the blanket of smoke. I turned up the heat, tucked him in and made sure nothing in the house was left burning or on then I locked the door and closed it behind me.

I woke a few hours later to a text message that my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance...my cousin who is a police officer heard the call over the radio and notified the rest of us...