A Love, A Loss, and Peace XVII

I found my cousin in the emergency room and he took me to my father. He was hooked up to a couple machines and seemed to be in good spirits; he always appeared happiest when he felt he could see the end. He informed me that he pressed the button on his emergency bracelet when he couldn't catch his breath...two packs of cigarettes a day since he was about eleven year old, he was never going to catch his breath again. He was retaining water, I could see it in his feet and hands; the nurse notified me he gained almost twenty two pounds of fluids in a matter of days. Kidney failure, heart failure...nothing was working right but I still wasn't ready to hear he needed dialysis.

A common theme my father has echoed throughout the last couple of years is his disdain for dialysis and nursing homes. He knows he hasn't urinated in a while but he doesn't know I'm about to test his stance on intervention. I have to make sure I do what he wants so I can't sit on this for long; he has a DNR in place so he needs to know this is the last road home.

I slid the curtain aside and found my father napping in his small cubicle of a room. I pulled a chair up to his bed to stare at him; half wanting to remember him forever and half wanting to capture the strength and father I used to know. He opened his eyes when my phone vibrated on the floor. He looked annoyed and exhausted when he woke.
    "What did the doctor say?"
    "He said you have to pee or he's going to start dialysis".
    "I'm not doing dialysis".
    "Then you're going to die".
    "I know..." he closed his eyes and fell back asleep...

I sat back in the chair and closed my eyes...he knew all along...