The Longest Summer XXXIV

I didn't bother trying to go back to sleep, I sat in the summer cold on the back step and looked over the city I grew up in. I don't miss it, I don't like it and even leaving my father here to be buried with his parents will never be enough to make me want to return when I no longer have to. I sound cold and bitter...but I'm not, I don't feel like I am anyway although to the outsider ear I imagine I sound quite evil.

I stood on the rocks that surrounded the house, not pebbles, an actual mountain that their house was built on. I could see his neighbourhood, I could see the one I grew up in. I called Joseph, I don't know why...maybe because he's still a stranger.

He picked up, but I could tell he was sleeping. He must think I'm insane or erratic...maybe I am. I started off with the lite stuff...dad is sick, blah blah blah. He listened, he took it all in...every last selfish word I used to describe how it made me feel. Then he told me about the time he flew home to Ireland, over twenty years ago, and cared for his dying father day in and day out for several months. That's it, he heard his father was sick so he sold his business, hopped on a plane and rushed to be the caregiver to his father. He was destroyed the day his father finally left the world...he was his hero, his best friend and the type of man Joseph strived to be. Maybe one day I will have a lovely story about my father and myself and this journey we are on together. It won't sound the same, I mean how could it? He loved his father and doted on him and would have given his last breath just to see him for that much longer...and I...well you know how I feel...

In Honor

I lost a friend today, well...he's been gone for a while now...out of my life. My friend was not just my friend, he was a friend to my family. His loss leaves us feeling void, the shock, the sadness and the irreversible feeling of complete loss.

We love him dearly. A good man, the exact family man one brags about. An aching heart feels like a sad token for the memories made, I want more...but it doesn't work like that.

Today we cry and hug and share stories...tomorrow we honour and take that with us...

xoxox

The Longest Summer XXXIII

I woke in the middle of the night, disoriented and thirsty...I must have cried out all of my hydration. I used my phone as a night light to find my things and change into my pyjamas so I could go out into the kitchen and hunt for a bottle of water.

I could hear everyone snoring in there respective rooms and settled for the warm bottle of water on the table then stepped out into the backyard. I fell asleep part way through my conversation with Joseph and only now said good night with an apology for disappearing. He knows why I'm here but doesn't know the severity...there's no point in telling him. I held a cigarette in my hand but the thought of lighting it made me want to throw up, I remember when taking a puff would feel like everything was settling in me, my emotions and frustrations would leave for a bit but now just the thought of smoking evokes my gag reflexes. I placed the cigarette back in the package and opened my water instead.

I sat on the step going through my thoughts and hoping answers will magically appear. What am I going to say to him today? How do I tell him he can't go home...but I have to leave soon? He barely knows what's real anymore, how much more does he have to suffer before he is allowed to either live in peace or rest in peace....

The Longest Summer XXXII

I waited until I could see Trevor coming down the hall until I went back into the room. This time I called him 'dad' immediately, I don't know if I did it so he wouldn't have to guess or so I didn't have to hear him guess. He didn't look directly at me, his eyes were looking over my right shoulder and whatever he was seeing captivated his attention. I walked over and placed my hand over his and smiled through my watery eyes. He finally looked into my eyes and I could see the light go off, he knows it's me. "When did you get here?" I cleared my through, "Just now". His chin was trembling and his face squished as he tried to fight back tears but after several strokes his emotions cannot hide and his poker face is gone. I talked about my children, his grandchildren, but he was preoccupied with something just over my shoulder. He started to cry then looked scared as he told me about the car crash behind me and the scary men who were crawling from the wreckage...I wondered if the hallucinations were here to stay. Am I allowed to tell him it isn't real? Are we allowed or correct him? My body started to tighten and I could feel my jaw clamp down...I'm not prepared for this.

I was emotionally bankrupt by the time I crawled into bed, I wanted to disappear out of my sadness but sitting in truth is about the only thing that relieves the pain. I mourned the loss of my father a while ago and now feel forced to watch his suffering while I hold his hand and try to promise there's more to life. I turned my phone over and summoned my new friend...Joseph is my favourite escape right now, and he has no idea about my nightmare...

The Longest Summer XXXI

I found his room quickly and rushed through the door; he looked confused when he saw me. I thought he was confused that I would come all that way but then he spoke to me, "my daughter is coming from out west, how will she know how to find me?" My heart sunk and then immediately jumped into my throat...he doesn't recognize me, he has no idea who I am. I was frozen standing in the middle of the room, Trevor was parking the car and I have no idea what to say to my father who now sees me as a stranger. I quickly retreated back into the hallway and slid down the wall just like the tears sliding down my face. I spotted a nurse a few doors down and waved to her since I couldn't do much of anything else. I peeled myself off the floor and and attempted to explain what had happened. She was aware and told me that he lost some memory and is having hallucinations due to the massive blood loss he experienced...they needed more than six litres of blood to top him off. But this wasn't just "some" memory loss...I'm his daughter and he cannot see that in me...

The Longest Summer XXX

I literally did this drive just two months ago and for some reason I already hate it. Any path that takes me home to Ontario I dread taking. It makes me physically sick and depressed...it's a small town I could leave at any time it's not a fucking prison and still I can't stomach it. It doesn't matter who I visit or where I stay, I always have one foot out the door and ready to run away because I have almost mastered the 'out of sight out of mind' practice when it comes to this place. Here's the thing though...if my mom lived in my hometown I know I would be there regularly to make sure she is okay and doesn't need anything. I want to do that for my dad but find I lack the motivation and that's something I should be able to fake easily.

I watched the sun fall behind the earth in the rearview mirror for the second night as we drove into Wisconsin. Last year I visited Lambeau Field with my other brother so I didn't mind that we cut it out of this trip, this was less of a family trip and more of an emergency "please say I'm a good daughter" trip. We'll drive for a few more hours and be at his door before dinner tomorrow evening.

The Longest Summer XXIX

I met my brother at my mother's place and loaded his things into the back of the car. We're going to head south and drive until boredom or exhaustion sinks in. I tossed Trevor the keys and climbed into the passenger seat, I only have a few hours until we hit the border and I lose my data and have to rely on wifi. I could see that Joseph had been leaving me messages but waited to answer him, and I would wait a little longer while my brother and I caught up. My two brother's are incredible men, both have supported me in every way at one time or another and have continually been there for me when I need to visit my father...they make the trip without having a reason of their own to go.

Trevor and I have travelled together for years and toured at least a dozen countries together, and over the years he and Dan have continued the tradition but now it's been tweaked since we had our beautiful daughter. Together they did the Trans-Siberian from Beijing to Moscow, toured Vietnam and Cambodia, went to Oktoberfest in Germany and drove around Iceland while I have been enjoying living a part time single life in NYC. I haven't found anyone yet that I would want to see more than once or twice and mostly just make friends and use my time there to live a different life...not better...just different.

I looked over to see Trevor looking out the window and singing along to the radio...I wonder what Joseph is doing....

The Longest Summer XXVIII

I left just after breakfast and explaining to my daughter why I was having to go back to the place we had just been to less than two months prior. The drive was dismal and I felt all too uncomfortable in my thoughts and loneliness...probably like my father feels on a daily basis. I turned up some music and opened the window hoping it would change my attitude, unfortunately this highway has so many memories and mistakes that I can't ignore them or get around them so I wallow in them.

I stopped for lunch in Dan's hometown where we both attended university. I grabbed a juice and sat in my car, not wanting to have to interact with people and trying to clear the fog and sadness from my head. I grabbed my phone to get lost and stumbled back onto Joseph...the man I was talking to just the night before. He's hilarious and not even a little creepy or pervy and I found the perfect escape with a new friend. He's Irish, like from the motherland and you can tell he used to be a ginger but is now bald...I'm a sucker for a ginger. I laid my seat back and exchanged jokes and banter for almost an hour before I decided to give him my number, I preferred to move to text when I felt comfortable leaving the site. I was a little sad when the hour passed and I had to get back to the highway...but at least now I have him at my fingertips...

The Longest Summer XXVII

I laid awake for hours staring at the ceiling and wondering how I was going to be able to do this trip again. I sat up and put my feet on the floor, I needed a distraction and luckily my choice of drug is always available. I quietly closed the door behind me and made my way downstairs to find my computer and have a glass of wine. The light from the screen lit up my favourite corner of the kitchen and I put my feet on the chair next to me, took a long swallow of wine and started filling out my profile.

This has never failed to distract me from life and it offers me an escape back to New York even if only in my mind. I loved the chatting, almost getting to know someone and then having the ability to just disconnect and engage back into my real life. Periodically I have become a regular on the online dating scene in New York but if you are able to switch it all off for a few months then it's a whole new group of people when you come back...although there always seem to be the ones that never find a link or a friend or a date.

After my second glass of wine and exchanging banter with a man from Queens named Joseph I called it a night. I have to drive eight hours tomorrow just to meet my brother...

The Longest Summer XXVI

The birthday party was great although fairly low-key, which was perfect because I couldn't really concentrate right now. We took the birthday photo of her with Dan since they share a birthday and we had the bouncy castle and a few friends over for a BBQ. Within half an hour of saying good-bye to our guests I was pulling clothes through my clothes and drawers trying to pack for a week long road trip starting in just a few hours.

It felt weird, was I going to say good-bye to my father? I knew if he died I likely wouldn't go. He doesn't want a funeral and it wouldn't be right to visit when he died if I didn't visit when he was alive. I sat at the end of my bed and cried into my pillow thinking about the times I thought he was the best dad in the world. I just kept hearing my cousins voice ringing through my ears and memories..."if you want to say good-bye then you should come now". I don't know if I wanted to go to him, almost like if I avoided it then it couldn't be true. Sometimes I just want to live in my head where I can choose the time and memory, I don't like this type of change...the kind that changes you forever

The Longest Summer XXV

We had been home for over a week when I got the call...Dad is back in the hospital. It's not shocking considering his continued lifestyle and health issues but it never mattered to my heart...it always jumped wondering if this would be good-bye. I had just finished preparations for my daughter and Dan's birthday party and wondered if I would even have a chance to be at it. The doctors say he is stable but has lost a lot of blood, apparently he fell on his floor and stayed there for five days without food, water or his medications. My cousin found him when the care aides called to say that my father was not answering the door or receiving their services. My heart climbed into my throat as I listened; he lost some of his memory and is having hallucinations. I felt sick, this man used to be the strongest person in my world and now he is clinging to support...and continues to hold on.

I paced my house for over an hour and then called my brother Trevor; the day after the birthday party we would drive down to see my dad. I was relieved but incredibly sad that I couldn't leave in that exact moment...it's only a few days...he'll wait for me.

The Longest Summer XXIV

The days flew by, an afternoon in Macy's, an evening in Times Square, a subway ride around the city and countless hours in Central Park. I was packing up our things while she played with all of her new toys and tried on all of her new clothes making a twenty minute job take just over an hour...I am just as guilty for participating in the fashion show. She giggles loudly and flops around in her overly dramatic ways and it makes me laugh to see her so carefree. I would bottle her youthful happiness if I could and so I could give it back if she ever forgets how important and beautiful this time in her life was. She dances around the flat singing her favourite songs and asking for my help for the duets...I am still her best friend and she is mine.

I placed the suitcases by the door and ordered our Uber to LaGuardia. I deleted all of my dating apps and turned my phone to silent, it's time to leave NY again and with that....I leave it all behind and prepare for the suburban life.

The Longest Summer XXIII

After rushing through traffic and finding our way to the Manhattan Mall I was able to score a little green scooter for my daughter. I figured it would be great for her touring around the UWS considering she has to take twice as may steps as me and would enjoy scooting through the park. It only took her about half a day of running into the side of buildings to find her footing. Before long she was flying down the paths in Central Park and you could hear her giggle with every little hill. Her happiness is contagious, I love seeing her like this and experiencing my favourite city with me. She always stops to pick up rocks or little sticks that she likes to hide in my purses and pockets and it makes me laugh whenever I find them.

I watched her for hours, making friends, riding her scooter and discovering little treasures along the way, wondering if I was like that...and when did it stop? It seems wrong that we lose this just to grow up, don't we need it more as adults? The phases of life are a funny thing...I'm just not laughing...

The Longest Summer XXII

It took me twenty minutes to reach Hell's Kitchen but it was worth every step. I found a little pub that had people scattered about so I found a free seat at the bar and ordered a glass of Pinot Noir. I was watching the television but listening to the story of the two men just a couple of seats away. They work in the theatre and were discussing the their colleagues and the work they have to do when the theatre changes productions. More of them started to show up as Broadway was closing down and the production crews can finally call it a night. I love this city, it is crazy how much you can see and experience in such a small place.

I sipped my wine and signed into the WIFI so I could swipe for an hour and then head back...

The Longest Summer XXI

I checked in on my daughter and Karen who were sleeping diagonal on the bed. I closed the blinds and covered them up then closed the door behind me as I tipped toed back into the living room. I was starting to pace and couldn't just relax. New York has this affect on me as well, when I'm here if I'm not moving around and taking the city then I feel like I'm wasting time. It's a silly thought and I try not to get wrapped up in it but when I take another look out the curtains to see people still filling the streets and ducking into pubs and restaurants I know I want to be part of it. I brushed my teeth, threw on fresh clothes and found some flats. I grabbed a pen out of my purse to leave a note for Karen then decided to wake her up instead incase anything happened or she missed the note.

I closed the door as quietly as I could behind me and found myself back at the top of the stairs...damn it! I almost forgot about the climb home.

I stepped out into the city and the air still felt thick and heavy with the humidity but I didn't care. I turned left down Columbus and felt the familiar bounce in my step that arises every now and again when I'm in the city.

The Longest Summer XX

It only took about twenty minutes after I went ghost on the site for Stephen to stop texting me. This man is unreal, he is beautiful, rich, successful, highly intelligent, single and close by but what he wants I can't deliver on. I swiped a few more times and Richard popped up, another of Manhattan's eligible men who has several amazing qualities but just never seemed exciting enough for me to want to go out with. One time I went over to his place, which is an enormous brownstone on the upper west side, to share a bottle of wine. I had never tasted an eight hundred dollar bottle of wine and to be honest...I couldn't tell the difference, although I can easily pick out bad wine. I swiped left and watched him pop up a couple more times...either Tinder is glitches or he pays to have as many swipes as possible and either way I am always swiping left. My phone was vibrating in my hands as text messages were popping up across my screen. As big as New York City is, the dating world is quite small so once I loaded up my Tinder account all of my old acquaintances could see that I was back in town.

The Longest Summer XIX

My daughter fell asleep within half an hour of getting out of the bath and Karen was well on her way, I could hear her wake herself in-between snores. I moved my daughter in beside Karen and turned off the light. I wasn't nearly as tired as I thought I would be so I grabbed my computer and curled up on the couch with some Netflix. Over two years later and online dating sites are still my favourite way to kill time and potentially run into old acquaintances and possibly meet new ones.

It really can feel like an old reunion of those who either can't find a date, don't want a partner and then the rest of us that want casual sex without any sort of commitment beyond mutual respect and the understanding that sex doesn't lead to anything other than an orgasm if done right. I revised my Tinder account and switched a couple of pictures around and was swiping in a matter of thirty seconds. Stephen showed up on my screen within a few minutes...I swiped left. This man is a mess of emotions and confusion that I have been trying to avoid for almost a solid year. We started talking when we mutually swiped right; he is a corporate lawyer on Wall Street who is looking to find the perfect friend or partner to help him discover and explore his sexuality...sounded perfect. But Stephen is quite deceitful and that has kept me from entertaining any thoughts of actually meeting him let alone an actual date. Stephen has a secret fetish...

The Longest Summer XVIII

By the time we reached the top of the stairs I was completely done with the day and ready to watch a movie and drift off to sleep. I ran a cool bath for my daughter, turned on the television and put some groceries away. I bought a few things for us to eat in the mornings to avoid the dreaded coffee and muffin run complete now with 250 stairs round trip. I tossed Karen a bottle of water and helped my daughter into her bath...I silently patted myself on the back for remembering to bring her bath toys. I sat in the kitchen at the tiny table and surfed the web while keeping an eye on her in the bath. I was looking for a scooter for her so it would be easier to get around the UWS and park during the days. She walks a lot to keep up with us and her little legs get so tired and I can only carry her so far and for so long.

I grabbed the wine I bought and a beautiful crystal goblet from the cabinet before I realized it was a corked bottle and not just a cap. I scoured the kitchen looking for a corkscrew but came up empty handed...how badly do I want a glass of wine? Turns out it was not bad enough to walk down the steps and to a bodega to find one. I reserved a scooter for tomorrow at the Toys R Us in the Manhattan Mall then closed my computer and started unpacking...

The Longest Summer XVII

The sun was still beaming down relentlessly and the humidity was unforgiving. I tried to wear clothes that were light and airy but it doesn't really matter when standing in one place still makes you break into a sweat. We decided to walk around the neighbourhood to find a deli or restaurant before we spent the evening in the park. The sidewalks were full of children and their nannies or parent milling about and riding their scooters...I don't think children in Manhattan have bicycles.

We found a pizza bar with amazing salads and decided to stop in and get dinner over with so we could wonder the park until dark. I grabbed a seat right by the air conditioner and sunk into my seat, the humidity always drains me. I could see the sea of people passing by the window while we waited for our drinks and it always feels like home...I think I have Location Identity Crisis...I was meant to be a New Yorker but somehow got lost along the way.

The Longest Summer XVI

A five story walk up...wtf was I thinking? My daughter was complaining by the time we reached the top of the first flight, which was twenty three stairs. I looked back to find Karen pulling her suitcase up the last few steps while I held the carry ons and cheered my daughter on, hoping I wouldn't have to throw her on my back. I was in a full sweat by the time we reached the door to the apartment and knew immediately that I would be strategic as to when I would leave to grab food or coffee. I couldn't imagine having to move into or out of one of these condos with no elevator...I would either lower my shit out the window or start fresh with all new furniture. I thought about the movies when they are lowering the piano out of the window and I finally understand.

We dropped the luggage on the living room floor and the three of us flopped down on the couch. I could hear my stomach growling and tried to remember the last time we all ate, I could put my appetite away to relax but a certain three year old may not agree. I turned on Netflix to distract her for twenty minutes while I unpacked, showered and caught my breath...I run the marathon again in a few months and clearly getting my ass kicked by five flights of stairs proves how little I have trained.

We all stood at the top of the stairs looking down the centre and contemplating how hungry and hot we were. My daughter placed her hand in mine and stepped down the first step...

The Longest Summer XV

We arrived just after 4pm and were waiting for our luggage as the rush hour traffic was building. This is where my anxiety runs away with me and I have trouble trying to remain unbothered. I have to grab the luggage, buy three seats for the shuttle and make sure I have it done before this bus leaves otherwise I have another 40 min wait and I just cannot do that with a three year old and my anxiety is well aware of that. Our place is on the west side and I'm doing the math in my head regarding best transportation, cost and number of hours on the bus looking at the city but never really moving because you have to go through midtown...or...I take a cab and and head over the bridge where we can cut through the park.

I watched the shuttle bus pull away as I placed our last piece of luggage on the cart. Typically it would have left me feeling deflated but I was pretty happy to not sit on the bus when for about the same amount we can be in our flat and unpacked within an hour. I picked up my daughter and placed her on top of all the bags then pushed the cart outside into the wet heat to wait in line for a cab. By this evening we will be picnicking in the park and watching the skyline light up...

The Longest Summer XIV

She was barely awake and it was no small task to dress her while she tried to escape my hold and get back to her pillow. She started giggling while trying to open her eyes so I kissed her on the cheeks to help bring her out of her slumber. "Fine mom I'm up, let's go to Macy's". I've created a monster, but truth be told I love our shopping trips and watching her develop her own style. I picked her up and rested her head on my shoulder while she clutched her blanket and stuffed dog. Dan was already putting the luggage in Karen's car while she grabbed the car seat.

Travelling with a three year old is incredibly easy, she rolls her own luggage, gets us through the Nexus line and always gets us on the plane first. Once I had her settled in her seat she would colour or play with her dolls for hours only asking to check out the tiny airplane bathroom once or twice. She always orders an orange juice and cookies along with crackers and hummus...I noticed last time we flew that she had developed a routine for flying.

Karen was already sleeping against the window by the time we were taxiing down the runway...NYC never gets old to me...I just know it's where I am supposed to be...forever...

The Longest Summer XIII

I bit my bottom lip and hit the button to buy the ticket. After a few days away with Dan I didn't want to leave my girl again so instead I bought her a ticket to come along and luckily Karen can come too. One week on the Upper West Side with two of my favourite ladies sounded perfect. I booked us an Airbnb and started packing two suitcases for the trip. She loves to go to Macy's so I packed half the amount of clothing she would need because her and Karen usually need to purchase a carry on to get all of their new items home. I opened my suitcase and rediscovered all of the pretty dresses I bought in California so I left them in there and threw in some clean socks and underwear and exchanged the toiletries.

I zipped up the bags and left them in the corner of my room. I picked up some of her toys and put them in a bin in her room, then folded three outfits that I was sure she tried on and wore for a few minutes today. The top of her dresser is almost full of little jewelry boxes she has found or bought  since she realized how much she loves treasure boxes. I sat at the end of her bed and memorized the order of her things and the stack of journals she has collected from NY to practice her spelling and drawing in. She keeps a picture of her and I on her nightstand and it's one of my favourites, which is why she keeps it so close. My mom said she grabbed one day when she was sad and I was away, that alone broke my heart. I guess that's why I decided to take her to NY as much as I can during this next year. It always goes back to my son and the time I missed with him, doing the right thing doesn't mean an existence without guilt...but I can learn...I can change...I can do better. There will never be enough time...there never is when it comes to those you love. I picked up her little sock and put it in her laundry hamper...time to start dinner...

The Longest Summer XII

It's funny...or sad, I can't remember which and sometimes it changes. As soon as we get back home we immediately get back into our home roles and the fire and passion that heated the room in San Diego cools to a luke warm...we haven't mastered being parents that can easily transition into lovers, I'm not sure we ever will...not as long as we have young children anyway. It really is okay, I mean I wouldn't give up my marriage and the get aways still validate what we hope...that we are still in love and the passion is merely smouldering until we can make the flames dance. I miss that...I miss the deep stares, the build ups and the long sex sessions that easily last the weekend.

I was brought back to reality by the dog scratching on the door wanting in and it felt like being woken from a dream you could have stayed in for the rest of your life. I got her some cold water and checked my dating profiles...back in New York in just a few days...I better unpack so I can pack...

The Longest Summer XI

We arrived at the airport earlier than we wanted but didn't want to get caught in traffic. Dan lit a cigarette while I rummaged through my purse for my phone...I had it earlier but now cannot find it. Panic set in, that phone contains a lot of my personal information along with some photos I'd prefer no one to ever see. I grabbed Dan's phone and logged into my email, the beauty about taking and Uber is that their information is always on hand. A quick call and some light begging before his current passenger suggested they make the trip back to give me my phone; I will happily cover the cost of his ride.

I had forty five minutes until I had to be through security so I was relived when I watched him pull up to the departures gate. I reached through the window to thank the passenger and hand him cash...crisis averted.

Home in just a few hours...and I am not ready to give him up...

The Longest Summer X

We got back to our hotel just as the evening was getting started as more people poured out into the streets to meet friends, listen to music and eat. I threw my shopping bags on top of my luggage and flopped on the bed, I could have closed my eyes and slept the night away...but Dan and I only get this opportunity once a year so I headed for the shower after I located my little black dress.

We stopped for a drink in the lobby and listened to a young man playing the piano then wandered the streets and stayed lost in each other. He still makes me laugh until my cheeks hurt and makes my heart skip when he looks at me a certain way. I can see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch...he's in love and that fills me up. We go home tomorrow and I miss our alone time already...

The Longest Summer IX

I shopped all day while he ducked in and out of music stores and pubs. Later in the afternoon we took the ferry across to Coronado Island for dinner where we found an amazing Italian restaurant with great gluten free options and sat at a table by the sidewalk so we could people watch.

It can be difficult at times in a marriage to find things to talk about when the little ones are gone, and at times it was even a touch scary to be alone. Dan and I are not in a typical marriage and although it has had its challenges...being together was never one of them. We clinked our glasses and threw back the wine while I listened to him talk about music and reminisced about our train trips across Europe. We have so many amazing memories of just the two of us that we could spend years going through them and reliving the happiness we created. I am in awe of this beautiful man who wants to share my life but never monopolize it...our dreams are not the same but that has never derailed them.

The Longest Summer VIII

I woke, still in my dress and cocooned in a blanket while laying across the bottom of the bed. I sat up to get a feel for my surroundings, I knew where I was but also knew something was different....where is Dan? He was curled up in the middle of the bed with the sheets and I could hear one of our phones vibrating. I stood up to locate it and fell on my face from being tangled up in the blanket. I turned the light on in the bathroom and nearly tripped over my shoes...I don't even recall going to the washroom last night let alone taking off my shoes. I stripped down and climbed in the shower hoping I could wash away the cobwebs from the night before.

I emerged to find Dan making coffee and rubbing his temples...another day in paradise..

The Longest Summer VII

Ten minutes after my one puff and we were walking towards the hotel enjoying our surroundings and the music coming out of every doorway. It didn't stay like this though, once we found our hotel everything went a little dark. There was a rave going on across the street in a Spanish club; Dan tried a few times to convince me to go but there was no way I was going anywhere but to bed.

We stood in the hallway to the elevators searching every pocket for our room key but neither one of us seemed to have it. I sat on a bench when my vision started to split and Dan went to to front desk to get a new key. I barely blinked before he was back and leaning into me looking like he had seen a ghost, "Natalie the guy is wearing a cloak and I can't talk to him without laughing out loud". I let out an extra loud giggle thinking of Dan slightly stoned trying to remember our room number and talk to this guy without tripping out. He tried again and had some luck even though his name was not on the room, but there was no way in hell I was going to talk to the guy so we lucked out.

The elevator opened to our floor and we laughed about the staff watching us walking to our room while leaning shoulder to shoulder for support. Dan made a bee line for the washroom and I flopped across the bottom of the bed...

The Longest Summer VI

We spent three hours in a club listening to an amazing band complete with horns and keyboard. The night was slipping away along with my evening look and the heat was starting to show when coupled with alcohol. I was starting to look like the walk of shame at half past one and decided to call it a night. Now, that was the plan...stroll back to the hotel and grab a night cap in the lounge then head to the room...but that's not exactly how it went.

We finished the rest of our drinks and walked out the front door and into what looked like a street party that was well under way. Dan started talking to a guy that was standing beside us smoking a joint and discussing music while I tried to appear relaxed and hoped no one noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I was in my shoes. The guy handed Dan a couple of joints for the rest of our vacation as a welcome to San Diego and enjoy your stay. 

We stood in the middle of the street debating whether or not to light up...

The Longest Summer V

I instantly regretted wearing heels...even before they were done up. I always wear jeans and flats so for this vacation I only packed dresses and a bunch of heels for the evening. When Dan and I go away I do my best to leave the suburban mom at home for the few days.

We drank cocktails from a rooftop and people watched until our table was ready. The city is beautiful but I wished I could see the water...at night it just looks so smooth and tranquil. I was on my third vodka when they finally had our table ready and my shoes were starting to feel more like stilts and I could feel myself sway slightly. I felt Dan staring at me and possibly laughing, my glow was starting to really show and just like that....I snapped into vacation mode. I ordered a sangria and winked at him, we don't get to do this often so we always do it right.

The Longest Summer IV

Our hotel was perfect, complete with a balcony overlooking the quarter but also a disco club right across the street...oh well, it's not like we are here to be in bed by 9pm. We unpacked our luggage and jumped in the shower to rinse the morning and flight off of us. I don't remember the last time we were even able to take a shower together, we can't even lock a door in our house without someone banging on it needing to get in.

California really agrees with Dan and it shows. His smile grows, he opens up and the introvert tends to take a back seat. We found a great little Mexican restaurant and took a seat by the window...margaritas and shrimp diablo looked great and I was already lost in my vacation.

The Longest Summer III

Dan and I have not wavered much in the way we travel. We each grab a magazine, bottle of water and have a beer with breakfast. It had been a year since the last time we ran away together but somehow we just naturally slide back into the old days. This time we decided that we would stay in the heart of the gas lamp district and not rent a car. We have a bad habit of trying to see as much as possible when we travel and sometimes that takes away from just having a relaxing vacation.

We grabbed a coffee on the way back to our gate and arrived just in time to board. I took the middle seat, not because it was mine but because Dan becomes a super introvert when he's forced to be around strangers. He winked when I teasingly rolled my eyes and gave an overly exaggerated sigh. Only a few hours until we're in the sweet California sun...drinking our daily routines away...

The Longest Summer II

I had our bag packed for the weekend and was just getting my daughter's things ready when my phone rang. It was my cousins number and I imagine this has everything to do with my father. It's an emotional rollercoaster every time I see the number light up across my screen. I slumped into my chair, closed my eyes and faked the best "hello" I could. I love hearing from my cousin and he's an amazing, outstanding man...but he is also the one with all of the contact with my father and all of the information. I wish I had a better attitude about this whole situation.

I must have sat in the rocking chair for twenty minutes listening to the long list of ailments my father suffers from although loneliness is likely top of the cue. I placed my feet on top of my luggage and attempted to stay engaged in the conversation. It didn't startle me that dad was back in the hospital or that his health had deteriorated further, what I found shocking is that his body hasn't just thrown in the towel. I took the number for his hospital room and said good bye. I'll call him, but I'm not going back...not for a few weeks anyway.

I grabbed my computer and checked Dan and I in for our flights...sunny California awaits...

The Longest Summer I

I did laundry all day while I continuously tidied up and took breaks to go to the park and play with play doh. Dan and I leave soon to San Diego for my birthday and I want to make sure everything is taken care of before we both leave. Every year we head to California for my birthday, usually we stay in Venice Beach but this year I wanted something a little different so we decided on going further south. Our plan was to stay in the gas lamp district and just bum around the city and maybe venture over to Coronado. I have a tremendous amount of guilt when we both leave our daughter but it's three days in a year and it's the only time we take to be together...alone.

I watched her come down the slide with the biggest smile across her face...she's happy. I ran to the bottom to catch her because she likes when I toss her in the air and spin her around. I can see my mother in myself and that makes me smile. We raced down the path back to our house and I could listen to her giggle all day as I chase her...

My Father XIV

Three days after leaving my home town and I was pulling into my own driveway and didn't care if I ever got back in my car. I left our luggage in the trunk, I couldn't be bothered to start unpacking my life just yet. I wanted to have a shower and wash the past far down the drain.

I walked in and found Dan playing his guitar on the couch while he was drinking a beer. He lights up whenever he sees me, like he is looking at me for the first time...every time. Our daughter came bouncing in the house with her new things that she couldn't wait to show her father. I watched him pick her up and ask about every aspect of her trip...he's a great father and that doesn't change when he interacts with my son. I think my father used to be like this...or maybe I just always wanted him to be.  

I grabbed my phone and headed upstairs so she could have some time with her father. I called my dad...but never said a word...

My Father XIII

I half expected for him to be back in the hospital before my car crossed over into the United States. More than once he has been rushed to the hospital just as I was ready to leave and I'd be lying if I told you it didn't make me suspicious. I know I know...I'm a bitch and awful person for even thinking that but coincidence took a side seat to being able to predict his actions. Whatever, it only hurts to think about it and right now I just want the long road, a clear head and to know that I am on my way home.

The road opened and the music got a touch louder...I looked over to find CJ singing along while our children played games in the back seat. Hopefully one day it will no longer be about weathering the storm...

My Father XII

I woke early, or maybe I never really fell asleep. I had everything packed and I was chomping at the bit to get back on the highway and make my way home. I walked into the hallway and noticed my brother packing his things too; I instantly felt relief that he is Type A and keeps a very strict schedule. If I could take my father with me then I would but his health has become so bad that he can barely leave his home without incident. We were going to go by his place one last time to bring him breakfast and could be on the road by 10am...I let out an over exaggerated sigh and leaned my head against the door waiting for everyone to be dressed and in the car.

He cried...loudly, openly, sobbing and sniffling. I love my father and my heart aches for him. No one deserves this kind of suffering, holding on by the tread of life and likely stubbornness hoping for more and knowing deep down there is nothing really left. Every time I kiss him good bye I wonder if it's the last...and to be honest, I'm never sure what to hope for...

My father XI

I drove him through all of our old neighbourhoods. He pointed everything out as if I had never been there, and I let him because it's what makes him happy. My father will give me directions to places I know quite well and before I used to tune him out or shut it down but then stopped, he was a truck driver most of his existence and always knew the roads...if this gives him some sort of happiness then what do I care? This had become the main push in getting me to come home over the last few years. It holds my youth and all of it's secrets...good or bad. I can walk the halls of my school and still see a project I had done decades ago; my parents helped me for three days and I can still see us sitting at the table while they try their best not to overtake my work. We laughed at the old days and only spoke of the good times, there is no longer a place for the bad...his time is limited and he has suffered enough. I could hear him sobbing beside me...and I have to wonder if he is happy how he spent his years...

My Father X

His apartment was filled with smoke at 915am and I cracked the windows and decided to throw on a different attitude. I have this amazing defence mechanism where I prefer to fix his place and clean it to avoid visiting with him but today I dropped that. I called cousins, aunts and uncles and arranged a bbq. I wanted to get him out of his place and back into the world, maybe being around family and in the fresh air reminiscing about the years he was happy and on top of the world would give him motivation to be less of a hermit.

He gave him his grumpiest look and tried to push off the night but I wasn't having it. I didn't drive across the damn country to sit in a smoke filled cell and watch Judge Judy while slowly dying of smoke inhalation. He doesn't feel good...he never feels good. That's what slow death does, it takes everything away from you and replaces it with fear, anger, depression and pain. I'm not trying to save his life...I'm trying to save his years. I walked over and grabbed his shoes...I swear to christ he is getting in the car...

My Father IX

I laid in bed wide awake most of the night reminiscing about my relationship with my father. I missed my dad, the dad I had growing up. I try not to share my memories with anyone else, I don't want their counter memories balancing it out with everything he did wrong. The criticizing can stop, we can put to rest his flaws and mistakes whether intentional or otherwise. He's dying and I refuse to let the dark overshadow the good...there was good. He was a long haul truck driver ever since he was able to drive and I can remember him taking me for rides and pulling the float in the Christmas parades and doing everything he could to make sure I had fun and new experiences. In my memories he was always closer to my sister but only now am I able to see that he treated us the same although I was never able to recognize that while growing up. I hated their relationship and that I never had what they did but the reality is that my mother provided me with everything he couldn't...not that he didn't try, we all try as parents.


Tears started streaming down side of my face; I rolled over and snuggled in close to my daughter hoping my sobbing wouldn't wake her. My father loved me...he did the best he could. Letting go feels so good...but my children will never question my love and devotion...

My Father VIII

He can't get into the car on his own anymore and can barely climb stairs. He's fragile and he can't hide it from me. I'm not sure he should be living alone but I think he would die if he went into a care home, he would lose his will to fight back...he has so little fight left in him now. He once asked me to let him die at home because he didn't want to ever become so incapable of taking care of himself that he would need assistance. It was a sign of weakness, the beginning of the end as if the only thing that was keeping him from acknowledging his slow death was the fact that he could still live alone. Now, I don't necessarily let him get by day to day on his own because he can't drive or move around; I set him up with a guy that does his grocery shopping and my cousin goes by twice a week to take him to any appointments and out for lunch. I have a sister close by but she can't be bothered anymore so I do what I can from across the country.

I watched his hands shaking as he slurped his soup and then tears roll down his cheeks when he caught me looking...he used to be the strongest man in the world to me. I choked back my own tears thinking back to when he would pick me up with one hand and swing me around and how it felt when the times were good...

My Father VII

I lasted just over two hours. I was relieved that our visit made him tired and offered me a break for a few hours before I would take him to dinner. I flopped into the car after I secured my daughter in her seat and closed my eyes for a brief moment...no matter how angry I was at that man it breaks my heart to watch him in this condition. It's not the fact that he is dying that I find so heart breaking, it's the suffering and drawn out health concerns that makes this painful to watch...imagine how he feels. CJ barely said a word on the drive back to our place, he knows this is awful for me whether because of my relationship with my father or his condition...there isn't much left to be said anyway. At this point I want him comfortable and to know that I have moved on from the anger. It's not the exact truth but I'd rather him go with a clean heart and soul...besides I would be the only one left with regret if I didn't offer him that. I love my father...I just never much cared for him...

My Father VI

I was overcome with sadness and anger when we finally found his apartment building. The last time I saw him he was in the hospital and couldn't recognize me. He could by the time I left but initially he thought I was the nurse. He's struggled with his heart for years and recently has had two major strokes, he looks so incredible fragile. I can barely stand the look of this man anymore, he used to represent so much strength, stubbornness and safety for me...and now he struggles to walk without assistance. His stubbornness is still in tact though and it showed perfectly when I walked through the door and into a thick cloud of smoke.

He cried when he saw me, he always does. He no longer has control over his emotions and now he can't hide them, the last stroke he had took his poker face away and cursed him with always wearing his emotions up front. I hugged him and kissed the top of his head, he used to do that to me when I was just his little girl. I can remember many times that I believed my father was the greatest man on earth and now I just try to give him that one more time before his final exit. I cracked open all of his windows and went to get my daughter...she will never know him like I did but she will have all of the stories the way I remember them.

My Father V

Three days on the road should have been enough to make me want to fly out of the car and kiss the ground...but not this ground. We were staying with family friends on my mother's side because I knew my father's place was tiny and full of cigarette smoke. This man has been dying of congestive heart failure for longer than my daughter has been alive, but that doesn't stop him from enjoying a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. He's old school, and not really the kind that believes chivalry more of the kind that thinks racism is acceptable if it's not mean...that is not an actual thing, he just likes to believe it. He's getting better though and his racist tendencies are almost all gone, I was hoping it would start after the birth of my son who is half Chinese but alas, it started when the good lord started tapping him on the shoulder. My dad isn't all bad, not all of my memories are awful or traumatizing...there was good times and happiness. But that ended the year I turned 16 years old and he left my mother after 20 years to go back to his ex wife. Maybe I took on a lot of the resentment I believed my mother held, or maybe I just knew that he was never a good husband to her...although none of you would ever be able to witness it. I try to keep that out of my mind and act accordingly because what happened was none of my business although it affected me the same.

We had the two spare rooms set up and my brother was getting the kids in the car to take us to my father's. I stood on the front step and looked over the city I had come to hate, wishing I could leave and digging to find some strength I'm not sure I even have.

My Father IV

I laid awake most of the night, partly wondering if I could just not go and partly getting ready to be there. We crossed into the United States before noon and I was ready to nap the day away. I can drive the whole way and never say a word, afraid that I'll cry and worried how I'll keep it together. I watched the road race by and listened to the kids laughing in the back while CJ sang to the radio; I laid my head on the seat and drifted in and out of my childhood...

My father III

I unloaded the car when we arrived at CJ's so it could all be repacked in the morning before we begin the road trip. I have two amazing brothers that really go out of their way to support me emotionally through my relationship with my father. It's not that I want to feel this way towards my father or going home it's that I cannot just wipe away the past and suck it up to move on...and maybe I don't want to.

I hugged my nephew as soon as he walked out of his bedroom, this kid is one of my favourite people in the universe. This is a young boy who collects bottles to exchange for money then buys food for the animal shelter...his heart is as pure as they come. I ruffled his hair and heard all about his school year and what he was looking forward to most on our trip then kissed his cheeks and let him get back to his game and playing with my daughter. I joined CJ at the table for a glass of wine and a cram session of the best way to get to my dad. I refilled my glass...12 hours to go...

My Father II

I grew up in a small city in Ontario about five hours from Toronto and even now I can barely think of it without feeling sick or depressed. I met my darkness in my home town and no matter the amount of years that pass me by, I just can't forget that one detail. It's not just my darkness that makes me leery, it's the other bad memories that pile up to make the entire trip feel like an exercise in emotional torture. I never fail to drive by the houses I used to live in and through my old neighbourhoods. I do still have some sense of fondness when I see the house I lived in when I learned to ride by bike, or the park I used to go to at least twice a day. I remember thinking it was a long walk to the park and now I can see my old house from he top of the slide and it wasn't far at all...now those places feel lost to time. The grass has overtaken the park and it appears to be the perfect metaphor for my feelings towards going home.

I stopped in Saskatchewan to pick up my brother and nephew...there is no way I could do this trip alone and luckily I don't have to....

My Father I

New York drained me this time around and I was happy to be done with the bad dates. I felt exhausted mentally and physically, which felt more like sadness than tiredness. I decided to take a month off from the Big Apple and let the love affair build again throughout longing and anticipation.

I had barely been home ten days before I was packing again anyway; it had been almost two full years since I had visited my father and he had yet to meet my daughter. I don't like going home, it's not a beautiful place...or even a kind one. I put off going back as much as I can but he's dying and I can stand the discomfort of being there over the regret of not letting him see me and my daughter. I hated him for so many years, which only made it easier to make excuses for my absence. Sometimes you just have to let go and offer silent forgiveness because life doesn't always make sense and sometimes we make the wrong decisions and forget who is affected.

I threw my things in the car and lifted my daughter into her seat...now seems like a good time to start over...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXXIV

We strolled around Harlem for a few hours in the morning and ate some amazing soul food before we were on our way back to LaGuardia. I never told Kaila about last night, she was sleeping by the time I got back to the room and when I woke I didn't even want to think about it.

I put my feet on my luggage and rested my head on the back of the chair once we made it to our gate. The week took forever and I don't think I ever did so much during one of my visits. I wasn't sad that I was leaving, I could use a dose of reality and NY hardly ever provides that. I closed my eyes and giggled uncontrollably looking back over my dates wondering if I'll ever meet a serious option while partly hoping it is always an adventure.

Harlem By Day...or Night XXXIII

I walked until it was raining too hard then I stood on the corner of 2nd and 35th hailing a cab and hoping the rain could wash away my complete embarrassment. I never understood how people could lie so much on a dating profile with the intent of actually showing up. I mean he must have been fucking eighty years old and from what I could tell needs medical assistance to perform. I felt tired of having the same shit every month in the dating world, just a different age or name or area of town but basically the same let down. The limits of my own circumstances just add roadblocks but that's okay because I'm here for experiences and nothing more.

A cab finally stopped for me...last night to watch the lights fade...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXXII

Sadly this is not the worst date I have been on; it's still better than the fireman who masturbated through midtown Manhattan traffic while driving me to a writing conference. Do I naturally give off the "please masturbate for me" vibe? I lifted my head from my hands to find him dozing off while still pulling his flaccid cock...what an absolutely sad sight. I stood up and took one last look around the place, put water in the dogs dish and summoned the elevator. I cant believe I have to walk by that doorman again and he is well aware of who I was visiting and I am certain I am not the first to do the walk of shame...and sex was not the shame in this case.

I was digging in my purse in the elevator and gathered all of my papers from class as a hope to fool the doorman into thinking it was a work related visit...because for some reason I care what he thinks. The doors opened and I darted for the doors...that were locked...fuck!!!!

Harlem By Day...or Night XXXI

Online dating is a cruel joke, a bad punch line and a test of your strength in this new dating world. The picture he used must have been taken in the 70's because I kid you not when I tell you the reaper was hot on his trail. My mouth went completely dry and I slowly lowered myself to sit on the couch...for some reason I didn't even think to run for the elevator. He sat down on the other couch and placed his drink between his knees while he tapped it with his nail and stared across the room at me. I just kept thinking...if he drops dead I'll have my work cut out for me explaining this to the police, his family and that fucking doorman I have to walk past. I never said a word, I wasn't sure what to say or do so I was as happy as could be in that moment when he finally spoke up, until of course the words fell out of his mouth. "So what do you like?" I don't think I am fortunate enough for him to be actually asking me what I like in life and when it comes to sex he pretty much checks multiple boxes of what I don't like. I froze, I didn't want to engage in this conversation or interaction any longer. I was tired and annoyed to the point of not caring anymore about being nice.

He placed his glass on the table and stood up, which was great because then I could make my way back over to the elevator. I turned around to catch a quick glimpse of the view so that it didn't feel like a complete waste of my time. I grabbed my purse and flung it over my shoulder as I turned back towards the exit and should have been a lot more shocked than I was when I saw him in all of his naked glory masturbating on the couch...a couple of years of dating in NYC and I am completely desensitized to this...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXX

The doorman must have been ex law enforcement and I was pretty sure he was being a little over dramatic in his questions. I guess I could have said 'listen I met the guy on Tinder and now I want to check out the view' but I decided to play along. It took almost a full ten minutes before he pressed the button on the elevator that would take me to the penthouse.

I was standing in the middle of the elevator when the doors opened up into an impressive apartment with sculptures, white furniture and floor to ceiling windows. I stepped out and looked back and forth and no one was there to greet me, I didn't even hear a sound. I wondered if he was even home yet but he must be because the doorman let me up. I walked a little further before I let out a soft "hello" which finally got me a welcome from a very small and incredibly old dog...he was not impressed by my presence and continued to walk right by me. I followed the little dog to his perch on the couch where he enjoyed the lights of the skyline...if he still has vision that is. I reached over to pet him when I heard, "glad you could make it". I turned around to meet my date...but this couldn't be him...for fuck sakes this cannot be him...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXIX

I always felt renewed when I left class, which felt like a little too late since I leave in the morning. I walked up second avenue towards Harlem thinking I would stop in for a drink at Doc Watson's...until my phone lit up. Tinder guy got back to me, he just left the theatre and was heading back to his place in Gramercy. I loved the area and pass right through it on my way back...lucky coincidence.

He texted me the information while I ducked into a pub for a glass of wine while I killed some time. I continued to play Tinder and chat with the bartender hoping my date would be amazing but knowing that the odds are not in my favour.

I paid my tab and wandered over to the meet the doorman...I'd never been in a NY penthouse and I could barely contain my excitement. Truth be told, I was more excited about seeing the place over the  guy... but let's check out the view.

Harlem By Day...or Night XXVIII

I rested my head on the back of the couch and waited for the rest of the class to arrive, I was a few minutes early. I spoke to my coach about the piece I would read and then played with my Tinder account as a way to clear my head. After the day I had I was looking for someone I could enjoy a night cap with since I knew Kaila would be asleep by the time I got back. I always walk back to my place after class and sometimes it's as much as four miles but it's one of my favourite things to do, like saying good bye before I fly out in the morning.

I didn't even hear the rest of the class show up and felt a touch embarrassed when I realized they were waiting for me to start. I swiped right on a bi-coastal older gentlemen then tossed my phone in my purse. I passed out my essays, took a deep breath and attempted to slow my speech to avoid racing through my reading...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXVII

You can't run, you can barely walk fast in a packed subway staton and Penn Station was as busy as they come. We made it to the street where she was going to wonder around and I would run for the keys, I was hoping to be gone for no more than fifteen minutes. That would put us back up in Harlem with more than enough time for me to shower, change and collect my things before jumping back on the number 3 to the village.

I don't remember ever covering this much of Manhattan in half a day. I arrived at her work and waited for a few minutes until she emerged from he elevator with keys. The hardest part was trying to rush small talk, not just because I was under pressure but also because I really liked her; she's interesting and funny...but I gotta go.

I got back in seven minutes then spent ten looking for Kaila and playing "where are you" over text message. My anxiety was working overtime and I could feel the sweat run down my back and into the top of my pants...fuck it, I'm getting on the train and will meet her at the place.

Harlem By Day...or Night XXVI

I collected Kaila and we made our way back over to the 3 train. We were going to take it to Penn Station then I would sprint through people to get to 23rd and 7th, make small talk and find Kaila back at Penn Station...perhaps the busiest place in the city on any given day.

I filled my MTA card and swiped twice, of course it didn't work and I wondered if driving through the country with a cheating asshole would have been the better way to spend the day because the Amazing Race through Manhattan while hungover was starting to feel like second place.

I watched the time tick down on my phone as a way to literally pass the time on the train. I have to be in class in less than 3 hours back in the East Village...and I'm hungry again.

Harlem By Day...or Night XXV

We laid on the front steps and watched Gilmore Girls since we were still able to connect with wifi from there. My anxiety was stopping me from enjoying the show and the concrete was making it difficult to get comfortable. There was no way I could do this for the next five hours while we waited for the owners to get off work and come let us in. I texted the gentleman and silently hoped he had a hidden set of keys somewhere or a lock box close by. Kaila's constant smoking was starting to make me sick so I opted to go for a walk and grab a water.

I called Dan to fill him in on my day. Dan just makes everything better, his words, kindness and love take away any bad and restore my strength. He makes me laugh and never makes me feel anything but perfect...I miss him.

The gentleman finally got back to me and my one and only option is heading back down to the fashion district to collect keys from his wife. Back to the subway I guess...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXIV

We turned left down the street and as much as I wanted to be happy to be back I was still having trouble letting go of my awful date. We walked side by side to the top of the stairs, we didn't move when we got to the top and it didn't take long for it to sink in, even without saying a word...we'e locked out. We both left the room assuming the other had the keys...gah. My mind started to race, I had class in a few hours and was scheduled to read but the owner wouldn't be home in time and all I could do in the moment was stare at my computer and stack of papers on the other side of the window.

Kaila sat on the step and lit a cigarette, I almost threw up on my shoes when the smoke hit my senses...I'm extra sensitive in my hungover state. I balled my jacket up and dropped it on the front step then slid down the railing and rested my head on top of it. I don't have my things, I can't get to them and I have no idea if I am going to be able to make it to class...literally the one thing that ensures my frequent trips to Manhattan...this fucking day just keeps going...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXVIII

The subway smelled like urine and lost dreams and Chinatown was not exactly an upgrade. The Advil was not working and I couldn't drink enough soda to quench my thirst. We found a small shop full of trinkets and picked out 3 shirts, 3 purses and 3 cupcake necklaces for our daughters then looked for a restaurant that wouldn't make us question the strength of our immunization shots. Chinatown has some great food but with a hangover my sense of smell is heightened so I had to be quite selective.

Only two hours after arriving and we were already heading back to our room. I have my class tonight in the village and we leave for home tomorrow afternoon...I can almost feel my head hit the pillow for a long nap after a brutal morning...only twelve more stops to go...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXVII

We pulled up in front of my loft and I tried to find the handle to open the door while he tried his best to make apologies. I finally found it and was able to pull myself out of the car without needing a can opener. I took one last look in the car without ever looking directly at him then leaned back in to grab my coffee and muffin before I walked away. I didn't even close the door behind me and never looked back when he revved his engine and peeled off down the street...so long asshole.

I walked into the room to find Kaila drinking her orange juice and getting ready to go to Chinatown for souvenirs...fuck I hate Chinatown and it's not going to be much better with a hangover.

Harlem By Day...or Night XXVI

I guess he thought I would be okay sitting shotgun while he showed off his car and paraded his fake girlfriend around. We crossed back into Manhattan and I sat silently while he attempted to give me every excuse he could think of to get me to either change my mind or forgive his blatant lies...it wasn't working. I couldn't even look at him and there was very little space in this overly priced coffin of a car for me to have any personal time. He pulled over to the side of the road and I thought it was a last ditch effort to connect with me but as it turns out police take notice when a rich white guy driving a luxury car blows a stop sign in Harlem.

I sat in my seat and watched him apologize to the officer and convince him that he is not trying to score drugs...apparently that's a popular thing for white rich men to do. The day just kept getting worse and I swore if the police officer spoke to me that I would identify myself as his escort...this would ensure a front row seat to his unsuspecting wife bailing him out of jail. It's not my place to inform her, but it is my place to leave him...so I was a little relieved the officer never questioned me.

Harlem by Day...or Night XXV

We were flying down a beautiful curvy road when I decided to ask about his single life. Well it started out as casual conversation before it progressed into a full on inquisition. Not divorced, not separated, not living apart...not even arguing. She has no idea that I am out with her husband in their new car for the day. My stomach went sick and my blood boiled hot. My first mistake was assuming he was single, I felt it was a safe bet since he has read my story and knows first hand I would never date a married man, a cheater or someone committed. So why that fuck am I in his car on a date in another state if he knows I would not voluntarily sign up for this? "Let's enjoy a nice day driving through the country and having dinner. I have a dinner reservation over looking the Statue of Liberty and if you decide you'd rather not see me afterwards then I won't contact you". This fucking guy has some nerve...it took me no time at all..."take me back"...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXIV

We made a right on Lenox and headed for Westchester. I could almost hear him sob every time we hit a red light and more faces peered in the window...someone doesn't come above 110th very often. I sparked up a conversation to get his mind off of the negative and likely stereotypical thoughts surrounding Harlem. He told me he has four children and the youngest is about to head to university out of state, he is a Wall Street suit and loves cars and yachts...this is the very definition of a yuppy...right? Look who' stereotyping now. I picked up my coffee then placed it back in the cup holder, I didn't want to spill it, then I did the same with my gluten free chocolate chip muffin. I didn't think he would appreciate me adding coffee stains and chocolate smears to the interior.

We were just about out of Manhattan when he caught fourth gear and blew by a long line of cars. Westchester was beautiful...green, leafy and winding roads...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXIII

The sun pierced through my sunglasses and made me slam my eyes shut. I opened one to see an incredible car waiting for me. I've been in some nice cars but this one takes the cake. Brand new fresh outta the show room McLaren. We played a round of charades just to show me how to open the door, turns out the doors slide up but not like the suicide doors more like a slide up beside the car. The interior was not spacious in the least; after a few attempts I finally sat in the seat then swung my legs in to sit front and centre...you'd think a car worth this much money wouldn't feel so much like a coffin. I have no idea how Bill was able to get into the car at all since he was easily twice my size.

I looked over to give him my best smile but found he had become a ball of anxiety...I imagine driving this car in Harlem will do that to a person. "Buckle up, we're gonna hit the open road". Where the hell is he taking me? Open road has got to be a fair distance from Manhattan...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXII

I woke hung over and covered in wine...I must have fallen asleep with my cup in my hand. My hair hurt and blinking made me want to scream. Kaila was still sleeping so I kicked her to wake her and asked for water and a bottle of Advil...I immediately fell in love with her when she easily climbed out of bed for water and the pills. I have a date in a few hours and secretly hoped he would cancel and I could spend the day in bed watching Gilmore Girls and swiping left or right while I drift in and out of sleep.

By the time I emerged from he shower I had a text asking how I take my coffee and if he should swing my a gluten free bakery...fuck yeah he should. Hungover Natalie isn't amazing...but she'll have to do...

Harlem By Day...or Night XXI

We left before last call, the vibe was gone and exhaustion set in. I watched Kaila attempt to wrap up her left over chicken wings in napkins and then balance them in her purse while we hailed a cab. We made it out of Chelsea before we actually found an empty taxi.

I was texting Dan while Kaila was learning about the driver. I was feeling a touch sad knowing he was having his big release party the next day and I was not going to be there for him. I had this trip booked long before they planned the party and had I been travelling alone I would have cancelled New York...but I wasn't. My son was flying in for the night to show support, which warms my heart because he is not exactly swimming in cash as he works to pay for school, but Dan is important to him so he wanted to be front and centre. Dan told me his parents would be staying at the house along with his brother and brother's girlfriend so I was feeling relieved that he would be surrounded with his family although I know it hurts him that I am so far away. I was happy for him that they were finally making the trip to support his dream and see our daughter, probably helps that I'm not there. I had texted a few angry words regarding his parents and decided to delete them...their loss...always was...always will be. I love him more than I dislike them...I wish they felt the same.

Harlem By Day...or Night XX

I said good bye to George and watched him leave before I made my way over to Kaila who was now playing pool with a few new friends. I wanted a drink and a cigarette before the rest of my night was going to begin. We walked out into the overly humid night and found a small corner to hide in, "why did you even stay after you found out the pics weren't him". I exhaled a large puff of smoke and felt my chest squeeze either from anxiety or relief. "Because I said I would give him an hour and it's all part of the game." Dating isn't the same and sometimes it just drains you of hope and leaves you wondering how people do this to find the 'one'. I put out my cigarette and followed her back in to the bar where we proceeded to flirt with the bartenders and drink our weight in vodka.

Harlem By Day...or Night XIX

I've heard of this fetish before but was never interested in many of the details or why a grown man would want a woman to role play a young child. The daddy/daughter role play was bazaar to me because it wasn't like the sugar baby/sugar daddy arrangement. At least he sought out adult women for the role so that offered me a little comfort and for a brief moment I swear I could feel my own darkness trying to make come back. I immediately switched gears to his travel business and checked my watch...I told him he had an hour and I was counting down the last seven minutes like I was being held under water. It didn't take long for my darkness to retreat back into the cage.

Harlem By Day...or Night XVIII

After a couple years of going out with people you meet online, you just learn to throw out any positive expectations. Now I narrow it down to; hopefully they show up, look somewhat like their pictures and don't try to kill me. It sounds like an easy enough list but sadly it is not...enter George, the sex therapist who likely needs one of is own.

By the time I had Kaila settled at the bar and found him, he was at least sixty pounds heavier than his pictures and in full disguise. Hasidic Jewish men never meet in public with traditional clothing, apparently they don't show their orthodox side in pictures either because I was not aware he was. I wanted to turn and leave but couldn't, well I could but wouldn't do that. I mean if I only stayed for the  beauties then I would hardly gain any real insight into the dating world, which I have been trying to break back into and I guess I have but it has been dismal to say the least. George told me a little about himself; he has a travel business as well as a practice as a sex therapist, which seems strange for a Hasidic Jewish person to have. This one though has a fetish...a dirty secret...

Harlem By Day...or Night XVII

2am with shoes in hand and standing on Park Avenue trying to wave down a cab is almost exactly how I pictured our night ending. It sounds worse than it is, this is all part of the experience and we were not put out in the least. It only took a few minutes before we were giggling in the back seat of a yellow taxi heading north on Park.

We asked him to let us out a few blocks from our place so we could grab juice and fruit for breakfast and I needed water. The streets looked empty, like Harlem had shut down but I could still hear the music coming from the laundromat and two gentleman talking and laughing from a staircase just a few doors down from ours.

I could hardly wait to get into my pyjamas and crawl into bed. I have two dates left, tomorrow evening in Chelsea with a sex therapist and then the next morning with a Wall Street suit...sweet dreams New York....

Harlem By Day...or Night XVI

I love the Kimberly, the vibe, the view and the layout. I went once a few years ago and then brought Carl and Tracy here last year. It's how I envisioned the nightlife would be in Manhattan...even if most of us are tourists. I fell in love with the Chrysler Building when it was lit up and found myself lost in it's lights and away from the noise.

We were already glowing by the time we reached the top and walked off the elevator and into the party. There was a wedding party, office parties and everything in between. We ordered two vodka cranberry and walked out into the open air...ironically, to fill our lungs with smoke. The people that come here show up and show out, although I wonder how many are genuine New Yorkers...it doesn't matter.

Our new heels felt a touch too high and we were both drinking away the pain ready to hit the packed dance floor. I followed her into the moving crowd and almost forgot about my aching feet...almost...

Harlem By Day....or Night XV

Peter was nice, but fairly standard. Divorced father of two, lives in Jersey, an attorney and likes to throw caution to the wind and find dinner dates on Tinder when he has a free night, which isn't often. In his pictures he is average looking with a nice build but in person he was quite handsome and has a great sense of humour. I just didn't find anything extraordinary about him...that's what NY has done to me. I've been on so many crazy dates with cool and strange people that dinner with a 9-5 suit seems boring...but he wasn't, well wouldn't be for most women. I guess if I was looking for a relationship then I would have invited him out for the night with Kaila and I, but I'm not so I kissed him in the car before I said good night and made my way into my room.

Kaila was just putting the final touches on her make up when I walked in. I made a bee line for the wine bar we created to pour myself a drink and proceeded to strip out of my dinner clothes and get into my dress. We were hitting the Kimberly roof top bar to dance and have a few cocktails. For the first time since Carl, I was really excited to hit the town...sometimes I prefer NY's nightlife with friends over dates.

Harlem By Day...or Night XIV

I found a fabulous Michael Kors blazer at Macy's and a red clutch at Bloomingdales...I was ready to hit the town. We grabbed the 3 train back up to Harlem and then bought some wine at an actual liquor store. Peter was picking me up in a few hours and I wanted to shower my day off and have a nice glow from the wine before he arrived. We turned on the music while I showered and she opened the wine.  We were going to hit up the Kimberly roof top bar after I was done with dinner and she would kill her evening watching Gilmore Girls until I got back. Peter knew I had other plans since I brought a friend to NY and was cool using the dinner as a way to feel things out and decide if we would see each other again...I liked the he wasn't intense at all.

I got out of the shower and threw on my pajamas so Kaila could do my hair while I drank in comfort. I had about an hour to kill so I let the wine chase away the butterflies...

Harlem By Day...or Night XIII

Maybe it was something I said, but most likely it was the way I said it. He took the cheque and offered a sad good bye. It's not like I go out of my way to be a bitch, it's like I said before, I cant hide my emotions and I just don't like him. If he wasn't such an asshole then maybe I could get along but he goes out of his way to put people down and it does nothing for me except make me want out of his gravitational force. We thanked him for lunch and climbed over one another just to get out of the restaurant and back on track to Macy's. After two awful encounters in a matter of a couple of hours I was ready for a little retail therapy with a good friend. Believe it or not...I have a date tonight with a lawyer out of Jersey and I wanted something new and fresh in the hopes that it would shift my luck in the dating department. I took a long drag off of her cigarette as we crossed over 7th on 42nd...Harold Square here we come...

Harlem By Day...or Night XII

He pulled up a chair beside me and sat down at our table as if we were old friends and I invited him to lunch...I did not. Kaila could read the irritation all over my face when he ordered a beer and asked for a menu. Here's the thing, I am not good at hiding feelings or emotions...I can say nice things, fake things, but my expressions always betray me and show my poker hand regarding my true feelings. But Ron is immune to that, it's his superpower to not be able to feel how annoying he is or how others are completely turned off by him. He attempted some banter with Kaila regarding myself but she wasn't interested in playing along, she is never one to laugh at anyone else's expense and already knew I was done with lunch. I pushed my food around my plate while he replayed the slideshow on his phone of all of his rich and famous friends to Kaila...she cared less than I did.

An hour in and it was time to say good bye or throw him in front of a car, and since I didn't think I could throw him that far I asked for the cheque.

Harlem By Day...or Night XI

I met Ron on Tinder a few months ago and we went out once...it was all I could stand. He is the very definition of a blow hard. He spent the entire evening name dropping and going through his pictures of all of the famous people he has met over the years when he worked for major magazines...I was not impressed. I can't stand the guy who has to always take the time to 'one up' someone else's story, as if what he has to say is far more important and needs to be heard immediately. He's divorced after having a lengthy affair with a woman almost thirty years his junior, which makes sense because one would have to be pretty naive with little life experience to see him as anything other than an asshole with big stories; a poor man's Larry David. Another one of his less than attractive qualities was his need to put people down in what I can only assume was something he believed he could do with humour...he could not. The one time we went out it was to see his friends in a band and he tried that little trick when he introduced me to the singer, maybe as a way to make me appear less appealing to his friend but I shut it down fast. Manhattan has thousands of eligible men that I cannot wait to meet and he was not about to get another date out of me.

I waved back and rolled my eyes...I can't fucking stand this asshole...

Harlem By Day...or Night X

The park is always an exceptional walk through and by the time I hit Central Park West my morning was already behind me. I made my way through the people all heading my way but walking far too slow to even be called a stroll. I found Kaila sitting on the side of the monument and watching the people go by without notice. She gave me a crooked smile and I shrugged my shoulder and rolled my eyes, "let's get a drink". We walked towards Times Square but through Hell's Kitchen to avoid being herded with the masses and because it has some great places to 'sample' wine.

She picked a place with tables lining the street and found a place under an umbrella to avoid the sun. Just as we were about to order a glass I heard someone calling my name...apparently Manhattan isn't as big as I would have thought or liked. Ugh, and just when I thought the worst of my day was behind me, Ron walks across the street waving vigorously at me...as if I couldn't spot him.

Harlem By Day...or Night IX

She had only made it to Columbia Circle, I could cross the park and be there in twenty..if I left right now. I did't feel high anymore but I was irritated at the direction of our conversation so I stood up and and told him  was leaving. Obviously he was confused, I mean there was no issue with him seeing other people since I was married but its not like I use my time with him to discuss my marriage and  was feeling a touch bitter that the was using my time to talk about his love interest. He attempted to explain but I asked him not to, I didn't have time or the patience to stand there and listen and then continue on with the plans of our day...I grabbed my purse, slid on my shoes an exited with only a lazy wave of my hand as a good bye.

I never said a word on my out of the front lobby and headed west down 83rd towards the park...

Harlem By Day...or Night VIII

The omelette was delicious and the mimosas were making me tired. I placed my plate on the coffee table and stretched out on the couch beside him. We listened to music and caught up with each other and what was going on. I took another hit off the pen and listened to him talk abut the woman he has been seeing for the past several weeks. He looked almost giddy telling me about the non stop texting, wine bars, roof top dates and sleep overs...I was annoyed. I was happy he was dating and looking for his 'one', I just didn't care to be the one he was bragging to, it doesn't exactly make me wet. I placed my champaign flute on the table beside my plate and texted Kaila...maybe a day in line ups with a best friend in my favourite city wouldn't be too bad.

Harlem By Day...or Night VII

He opened the door with his brilliant smile wearing golf shorts and a plain white t-shirt. He's handsome when he's casual, he can hang a suit and look amazing but I preferred the relaxed CEO. He took my purse and placed it on the desk near the front entrance while I kicked off my sandals and made my way into the main room. He had mimosas poured, strawberries cut and the cannabis pen filled...what an amazing way to spend a relaxing morning with a wonderful man. I flopped down on the couch with my spiked orange juice and listened to music while I took a hit off of the pen. I could smell breakfast being made and slowly my mind and body relaxed...I hope Kaila is having an amazing day, although she's likely going to spend it in lines.

Harlem By Day...or Night VI

We had separate plans today, she was site seeing and I was going to meet my date Brian on the Upper East Side. I had met him before but today he was making me breakfast and we were set to spend most of the day together. We left at the same time, she took the 3 to Penn Station around Harold Square and I walked the two and a half miles to his place. Brian's home is incredible, impressive by Manhattan standards and I loved being in it and taking in the views. We met on Tinder a while back and finally found some time to get together and hang out.

I walked through the main entrance and hoped the overly air conditioned lobby would hide the fact that I was sweating a ridiculous amount from the humidity. I remembered the doorman from the last and secretly hoped he didn't...he did. I trusted that the heat was hiding my blush because last time I was hear I arrived after midnight. He held the elevator for me...Brian called down ahead of time so he was expecting me.

I stepped out and made a right down the hall...his door is always decorated with his daughters projects, I smiled and knocked lightly.

Harlem By Day...or Night V

This is the best example as to why I no longer believe the garbage people speak about places they have never been to and only have knowledge through stories. Sure, Harlem has changed in the last few decades and I am certain back in the day it was quite dangerous but I was having a hard time seeing this now. We walked up through the subway station, said hi to a few people that asked for coins and made it back to the room without so much as a dirty look. I don't know if I find it frustrating, disrespectful or just complete ignorance when someone tries to offer me advice about the city I have come to love...and they have yet to visit. I have yet to have an interaction that is uncomfortable with a New Yorker...barring my dating experience that is. Go to Harlem, stay with the locals and enjoy the people, restaurants and culture. Just like anywhere else if you mind your business and are respectful then you go unnoticed, and to be fair I am more afraid of my own city at night than I am of Harlem...take that however you like.

We uncorked a bottle of wine and sunk into a marathon of Gilmore Girl's, she is a huge fan and I have never even watched an episode. Ugh...CVS wine is only 6%...better open another bottle.

Harlem By Day...or Night IV

I found her on Bleeker window shopping her way down the street trying to keep her eyes open. She has this amazing ability to always light up when the people she loves are near by, it doesn't matter if she's tired or in a bad mood...if she loves you then you always know it. We hooked arms and started to make our way out of the village, we decided to walk as far as we could before we caught the 3 uptown to the Bronx.

We got as far as Chelsea before we decided to call it a night...well almost. I had been to Boxer's one other time and brought her for a drink. It's a gay bar where all of the bartenders only wear boxer's...and the bartenders are all straight. We ordered two vodka cranberry and I'm pretty sure they added the cranberry just for colour. We clinked our glasses, flirted with the bartender and made our way to the subway station...it was time to call it a night. It occurred to me that we would have to walk a few blocks to our place...in the dark...in Harlem.

Harlem By Day...or Night III

Every time I come to the village I always wonder why I don't spend more time here. I guess it's because I just don't stay anywhere near the area...but it is a favourite. I left Kaila somewhere on Bleeker and made my way east on foot hoping I wouldn't get lost in the streets. The west village is not grid with number streets, it's a maze that has left me frustrated on more than one occasion. I spotted Will waiting on the corner for me and waved to catch his attention, we were already running late for the reservation; he goes out of his way to find gluten free restaurants.

I felt the exhaustion set in by the time we sat down and ordered a bottle of wine...wine was not going to perk me up at all. I was a trooper though, I refused to fly into my favourite city and start out with a nap. I always preferred something fun like dinner with a friend, it helped me feel like a New Yorker like I have an actual life here. I looked across at my date who was part way through a sentence about work, or home...I have no idea...I wonder what Kaila is doing...

Harlem By Day...or Night II

Our place was basically an oversized hotel room, which was awesome. We had more than enough room to lay out our clothes and move around, the only downfall really was we had to share a bed but it was a king size so neither of us cared. I had barely unpacked before my phone started to light up, I had completely forgot about Will. We have dinner the first night I'm in town on almost every visit. After being on a plane all day I was hoping Kaila would enjoy wondering around the village while I went for dinner and caught up with a good friend. Thank goodness she is aware of my lifestyle and has no issues venturing out on her own...fearless travel friends are the best. Kaila was all smiles when I told her about my impromptu date and welcomed the idea of getting lost in the city...well, until I finished up and found her.

We took turns rinsing off in the shower while we waited for him to send the car service. The six dollar pinot from the CVS was failing to take off the edge of being pent up all day in a plane and I was momentarily jealous that I couldn't smoke with her. She was already outside when the car arrived so I took one last look around the room, grabbed the keys and an extra pair of panties...

Harlem By Day...or Night

I almost always took the shuttle into Times Square but this time we were staying in Harlem...I had never even ventured up there before. I didn't want to be sitting for an hour in a cab watching the meter run up while we stood still in traffic. I grabbed my wallet and took out my metro card, may as well take the M60 since it takes us almost right by the front door and was the best option even with luggage. The bus was near empty and was by far the fastest way into the city considering the bus lanes and few stops...this may very well be my favourite way to get into the city now. The last stop is right by Columbia so when I stayed on the Upper West Side or Midtown I could transfer to the subway and miss all the traffic and car sickness.

We got off on Lenox and 125th, Harlem wasn't scary at all. I mean I guess I knew the stories and history of the community but today it was vibrant and beautiful. Unfortunately that comes at a high cost to the people who have lived there their whole lives. I was a touch sad to see the big box stores almost over power the Apollo theatre sign and wished I would have gone up there sooner when it still had the charm and little of the gentrification. Kaila never even blinked, it takes a lot to shake her or shock her. We have this funny connection where our anxieties will take turns and it works for us and makes our friendship not only strong but comforting. She was no stranger to the hard life and grew up fighting for every last inch of what she has...she is a self made woman and I am in awe of her. We decided to tour our temporary neighbourhood while pulling our luggage and loved what we saw. There was a DJ in the laundromat, four older men singing on the corner like a retired Boyz to Men reunion and the Red Rooster restaurant, which is apparently one of the best places for soul food in the city. Harlem was charming and the people were incredibly nice...it occurred to me that those who cautioned me about staying here have likely never been here...what a shame...

Just a Quick Layover V

I didn't sleep a wink. I never do. I just lay there stressed about my flight and watching her sleep because it will be a while before I can do it again. She's growing up so fast and even when I feel stressed I know the stress is short lived in comparison to no longer having a small child that needs me  everyday. I kissed each of her little fingers and slowly rolled out of bed so I didn't wake her or Dan.

I walked through the main floor one last time to collect anything I may have missed and nearly jumped out of my skin when I caught Kaila's reflection in the window. Thank goodness it was too early for the dogs to be up so I didn't have to worry about barking. I threw my iPod into my carry on and joined her on my front step as Karen would be here shortly. I was starting to feel excited knowing I'd have some sort of night life this visit because Kaila and I love to get together and always have a great time. I spotted the headlights coming around the corner at the end of the block and we walked our luggage to the street...a week in New York with a best friend, what could go wrong?

Just a Quick Layover IV

I was literally taking my clothes from the dryer, folding them then placing them back in my suitcase...this is almost too exhausting to maintain...almost. I texted Kaila to be ready for the 4am drive then zipped up my case and found my daughter. It had become routine that the day before I left was all about her and then the day I returned was the same. Her and I were becoming inseparable and I know it's only a matter of time before she is joining me on a regular basis even if not monthly. I texted the first man I would be seeing to confirm a time then threw my phone in my purse and grabbed my daughter to go swimming...the anxiety keeps getting worse the night before...

Just a Quick Layover III

I didn't think it was possible to feel jet lag when only going a short distance but the time changes were starting to get to me. I found myself waking like a zombie and counting the hours down until I could either nap or just turn in for the night. Going to sleep with my daughter meant losing my late nights alone with my husband so I preferred to let her watch a movie and I could nap in the early afternoon. I still had to confirm the place I booked in Harlem for Kaila and I then do all of my laundry and basically repack my things. My daughter was still asleep and half way off of the bed so I moved her to the middle and snuggled back up to her; my eyelids felt like sandpaper and I wanted to close them but my phone was lit up. I have three dates to get through while in NY with Kaila and I felt relieved that I would have an easy out if once again the men were less than honest in their profiles. I turned my phone to silent and closed my eyes...I'm not ready for the world just yet...

Just a Quick Layover II

Getting home is always stressful and a bit of pain each time. The final leg of getting the luggage for the last time, finding Dan among the other cars then making the forty five minute trek home with a chatty toddler and the stress of travelling all day. I found that my irritation was constantly coming out on Dan and it lasted for the first few hours...I hated it. I hated that I couldn't ever conceal my emotions and frustrations and wished I was strong enough to tuck my heart under my sleeve rather than pin it proudly on top. He was standing on the curb doing his dorky wave that always made me laugh, he grabbed the luggage while I secured her in her car seat then flopped down in the front. He climbed in beside me and kissed me on the cheek...I love this man. Dan takes away the storm so his calm can rush through and comfort me...I married my hero and he makes me blush...

Just a Quick Layover

Our flight wasn't delayed out of LaGuardia for the first time in a long time, in fact I don't recall the last time it left on time. Now we were standing in Toronto watching them roll back the departure times and cancel flights one after another. My anxiety started to rise as she became irritated and tired and I was beginning to feel the irritation of having too many people around me and look after a toddler. I didn't care if we were stuck in Toronto for the night, what I cared about was listening to them talk about it for an hour and still not decide what they would do with about seventy five people who were left. I just wanted to either leave or get on a plane and if it didn't happen soon I would have been in the corner crying the stress out of me. A gate agent came over and found us in a quiet corner to tell me we were the last two making the flight and I would have cried in his arms if we didn't have to sprint to the gates. I just wanted to see Dan...I only have nine days there this time and I want every minute I could get.