New York State of Mind XXIII

Leaving Brenda is like leaving the spa after a day of pampering, she is the best company and stylist I've had in 37 years.  She's like a bartender at a neighbourhood pub except I leave having fabulous hair instead of feeling intoxicated with a hangover waiting in the wings.  I didn't tell her everything but I started to, and maybe laying a foundation and building on it slowly is best when discussing my life.

I got home in time to put my daughter to bed, I never pack my luggage while she is awake and I have no idea if it's better or worse for her to wake not knowing that I left in the middle of the night.  I made a note to start and make her a part of the process so she is prepared for my absence rather than traumatized from it.  The night before I leave I lay with her and we turn on the stars in her room and giggle and talk...she is a beautiful creature I am always amazed by.  I can feel her little body go limp as she starts to doze off and ever time I leave I wish I didn't have to.  I lay with her long after she has drifted off and pray to the stars that I will get better.  I crawled out of her bed and off of her tear soaked pillow and instead of counting down the days until I leave I counted the hours till I returned.

I turned off the stars and closed her door it was time to pack.  I had become a pro at organizing and cramming all my shoes, purses, clothes, and toiletries into a suitcase that barely ever came in under weight at check in.  Dan was walking the dogs so I opened a beer, turned on some Marley and started to get lost in vacation mode...twelve hours till wheels up...

New York State of Mind XXII

After dinner with my family I jumped in my car and headed to see Brenda.  One of my favourite things to do before any trip was visit my hairdresser.  Brenda has been doing my hair for around five years and she is simply an amazing woman.  I found her because I used to work with her sister and both of these women are incredible; they are the epitome of strong, beautiful, confident caring people.    Getting my hair done was another escape for me that I have come to enjoy.  Brenda is not your ordinary stylist by any means.  She built her own studio, renovates her own house, does all of her own landscaping, gardening and hard work.  This woman is anything but lazy, in between appointments she will mow her lawn and paint her bedroom, fix a leaky faucet or add tile to her ceiling...I get exhausted hearing about her days.  But Brenda is one of the kindest souls I have ever been blessed to know and have in my life, even if she is only present as my hair dresser.  I can get lost in her stories for hours and she can make me laugh, cry, think, imagine and look incredible.  She has made me realize how important she's become to my transformation because she is a standard that I would like to strive for, practice and become.  I have never heard her speak a negative word about anyone, not even those that try and take advantage or use the family card; I am in awe of this beautiful creature.  Her character tells me that she is truly happy in her life and the direction it is headed.  She has goals and dreams and is doing everything she needs to read them; nothing stands her way,it's like she has always known that if she walks in that direction it will bring her to her destination...how beautiful is that.  

I sat in my car for a few minutes outside of her home.  I trust her and I'm going to open up to her if for no other reason then I can speak my heart and have no judgement passed.  The more people I find like her the more I want to surround myself with them because it's a comfortable arena for me to just be...

New York State of Mind XXI

The excitement and anxiety leading up to Chicago was becoming overwhelming, sometimes I felt like I was going to burst and other times crumble.  It's almost like there has to be a complete destruction of who I was in order to build who I want to be, it's a crazy mess I just keep trying to find my way through.  I've come a long way...I think.  I feel different and act different and the transformation is becoming more clear to me but it has become a monumental task.  Im comfortable tearing down my beliefs, fears, relationships, moral and values in order to build the new and improved me.  I've started to mentally prepare myself for the reality that not everyone will like the new me, the real me, the me that has stood off to the side for fear or standing out.  I'm starting to feel okay with it though because I have a comfort now with who I am that was non existent before.  The strength and confidence I am gaining is like nothing I have ever felt before and I know it has to be because I am finally stepping into my own life and following what I believe and value.  I know longer hate the life I was escaping and I can understand how others find comfort in it, perhaps if there was no darkness then I would have embraced it too.  One day I will get to the point where the whispers and giggles won't even make me turn my head, there is no shame or embarrassment in living the life you want...after all your judgement does not define me at all, in fact it is only a reflection of your character.  I'm stepping away from the control that I used to need to make sure noone ever found out, some will like me and some will be uncomfortable around me and it is not up to me to control or lead you one way or the other.  Don't get me wrong I am guilty of being the judger because it somehow suppressed my own fears and anxieties, but that part of Natalie is being destroyed because it's no longer necessary in order for me to survive.  It almost seems crazy that the one behaviour I feared in others was the one I let stand out in myself...gross.  I would rather stand alone and comfortable in who I am then stand with everyone and hope I blend to hide the fear, shame and embarrassment.  It feels amazing to be this free; no longer allowing others opinions to have weight in my life and genuinely being okay within myself for what you think of me...I can't help but wonder...how much more destruction has to happen before the building phase can be complete...

New York State of Mind XX

Football season is my absolute favourite time of year.  Saturdays are spent driving countless hours to watch my son play and Sundays are spent with great friends yelling at the TV and having every device open to check our fantasy leagues.  My weekends cruise by without so much as a blip in my thoughts...but it's easy to avoid the mess when I'm too busy to pay attention to it.

My kitchen on Monday mornings was the equivalent to a frat house kitchen; counter tops are covered in empty cans, bottles and left over food.  I started the process of cleaning and cooking because Monday morning therapy would be in session soon and I wanted to be ready.  Dan and I haven't had a lot of time to connect lately and it is largely due to my absence over weekends.  We spend most of our time talking about football and our fantasy teams, we have moved into the friendship zone which is typically the case during the season.  We have developed this amazing relationship where we blend together so well that at times that it almost feels like we are the same person.  Sometimes our marriage feels more like a friendship and I think it's because Dan realizes that I need a friend more than a husband right now.  He is incredible and amazes me every single day.

My phone started blinking so I grabbed my coffee and started checking my messages.  Mike booked his hotel just across the street from mine and sent some links to restaurants with gluten free options, he really is very sweet.  I'm hoping we can replicate Atlantic City and have a great time.  I have to find a way to spend a lot of time with him and not neglect the brothers whom are already not really excited about my arrangement over our trip.  Mike has no interest in meeting them and they feel about the same, I make a mental note to never try this again because I'm already feeling stressed wondering how I will divide my time.  Mike and I have discussed me going to NY to visit him and have picked dates...now I just have to check with my husband.  Dan is just like me in so many ways and loves that we are anything but typical, I wish I had his attitude but he is so strong he carries us both effortlessly.  Thank god I get him for the rest of my life.

I have retreated into my bubble more so these days because I realize that my life appears bazaar and if I stay in my bubble then the whispers, comments and looks can't affect me.  Friends and family have not left me...I left them.  Too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to any of them so I isolate and live in secrecy...in my thoughts they are embarrassed by me.  You can't just change a thought that has become a strong belief and it is easier for me to leave then stand and defend.  I have never been strong or confident in who I am...I was robbed of that luxury.  Mike has become my friend in the darkness and having him hold my hand makes me feel less scared and Dan is well aware of that.  Over the past few weeks even he is relieved that I have someone who can identify with me and not care about the scars.

I barely heard Dan grab a coffee and sit down beside me.  Monday morning therapy was now in session...

New York State of Mind XVIIII

I woke with a hand on my face and to the sound of little snores in my ear...it's comforting and sweet.  I rolled out of bed and left her with Dan to sleep the morning away while I prepared for kick off.  Every Sunday we host a full day of watching football and it has become a great distraction for me and I imagine for Dan too.  I only have a few days left before Chicago and I am excited to see and spend more time with Mike.  I try not to think about it because it's important for me to stay in the here and now for my family but sometimes when I can feel the darkness and tears start to surface I run away in my head and hide in a place it can't find me.  Sometimes I feel like I constantly have to remind myself to focus and it's becoming a part time job I wish I didn't need.  I don't know if I'm hoping for this to be something that becomes habit or what will be the end game.  I guess happiness and fulfilment but I have no idea if I am even on that path, maybe I need guidance and a clear game plan.  How do you know the path to take when you have no idea where you are going or what you are looking for?  What a fucking mess.

I started the crock pot and added all the ingredients for chilli, filled the fridge with beer, put out the chips, dips, cookies, crackers and veggies and made a coffee.  Things have changed for me and I can feel it.  I'm stepping more and more into my own life and out of your norm, I am trying to shake the need to hide or conform but old habits die hard.  I have completely isolated myself from those that live the life I am trying to escape and have walked away from the idea that different is wrong...I am very different from those around me and there is no shame in that.  My whole life I have known I was different in the way I think and act, I have spent too much time trying to change my nature and now that I am flowing with it I finally feel peace in me.  I was three when the darkness first came into my life and there have been years that I have been able to escape it but now there is no escape, it's an abusive relationship that I can never get out of...Laura can only do so much but not everything can be erased or forgotten and my only hope is learning how I can coexist with it.

I finished my coffee and stirred the chilli.  I need a break from me, I leashed the dogs and grabbed my iPod.  My darkness may be my passenger in life but I am still the driver and everyday I take more chances on me and pay less attention to it...side seat drivers are the worst.  I put in my earbuds and hit the pavement...two hours till kick off.

New York State of Mind XVIII

I crawled into the spare bed around 4 am, it was worth it to spend a little time with Mike.  This cop was an anomaly, although I only have John to compare him to so it's quite possible that Mike is normal.  I have no idea what to do with him, I don't even know what he wants from me but from the invite to Ottawa I highly doubt it's just friendship.  I make a mental note to meet Mike after my trip to Chicago and find out his intentions or game plan because I still don't believe John is not behind this in some form.

I could see my phone blinking out of the corner of my eye, who could be messaging me this early?  It was Mike...from Long Island.  "Good morning Natalie, let me know where you are staying in Chicago and I'll book my room".  He must be up this early for work; I almost forgot about him completely.  I'm excited he is coming to Chicago because we get along really well and I like him but when Mike the cop is around I forget my name.  I leave in a few days and I just need to concentrate on being at home and let the other life sit on hold, after all I can't seriously nurture that life and let my 'real' one fall apart.  I felt a tinge of excitement run through me when my mind wondered over to Dan; no matter how great or crazy these men are, my husband is incredible and I can feel the intensity towards him start to return.  I texted Mike the information he requested, texted my hairdresser for an appointment while it was fresh in my mind and I texted the cop...just because I really wanted to and liked keeping him.  I really feel that if I can find my balance between the two 'Natalie's' then I will have everything I want although part of me thinks that's a touch naive.  Riding the highs are easy, its trying to keep a float during the lows that seems unbearable.

I could see a shadow in my doorway and the big crazy curly hair made me giggle out loud.  I grabbed my daughter,  kissed her chubby cheeks and whispered how much I love her.  I took her into my bed and laid her between Dan and I...I may be sick, but I know I am blessed.  

New York State of Mind XVII

I sat at the same picnic table with two coffees and checked my messages while waiting for Mike.  I was a little shocked when he showed up in uniform and in his police car, after all we are miles out of his jurisdiction...I don't know why I am shocked anymore by anything cops do.  "Good afternoon officer".  I couldn't help but giggle just a little especially since he could make me blush just by looking at me.  "Hi Natalie, I'm glad you were in the area".  He sat down and I slid his coffee over to him.   "I didn't realize you were working, you didn't have to come".  He was staring at me and I could see it out of the corner of my eye, it was difficult for me to maintain eye contact with him and I have no idea why.  "It's no problem, I have someone taking over".  I wondered if it was John, I hadn't thought about him in a long time.  There was no way I was going to even mention that name to Mike for fear it would cause us to have the awkward conversation, I wasn't prepared to make any decisions regarding this cop anytime soon.  I have so many things I want to ask him but I feel like I'm in a mine field and any wrong question or answer could mean the end to this...I don't even know what this is.

We sat in silence for a bit although it felt like forever.  He finally spoke, "I have training in Ottawa in a couple of months, would you be interested in joining me?"  As the words fell out of his mouth and I processed them I felt instant de ja vu and I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious.  I guess the issue with dating cops is that once you have dated one you can't date others from the same division without feeling like you're dating close cousins...cousins to each other, not me.  I already know John is going to be there because he invited me and the thought of going with his colleague seems a touch mean and weird. Imagine the awkwardness of going to dinner with Mike and seeing John, or hanging out with Mike while John is there.  I wonder if John even knows that Mike texts me and I start to wonder if I'm being set up.  John is a different duck and when he is in the cop zone he can be intense and intimidating...is he testing me?  It's more likely he doesn't even care or think about me anymore.  "That's some invite officer, maybe we can discuss it closer to the date if you haven't run anyway yet". I winked and smiled to soften the light rejection.  I wonder if Mike knows the story of 'John and Natalie' and if he does I wonder how John tells that story.  There is something inside me that wants to know but I feel strongly that John and I connected through the darkness and he won't throw me under the bus...but would that change if he knew about Mike?  Ugh, my life is looking like a mini drama series with a laugh track.  "Well officer it's time for me to head home but I really appreciate you meeting me last minute again".  He walked me to my car and opened the door, "I hope I get to see you again".   I hope I get to see him again too, I like him....a lot.

I hugged the cop and jumped in my car.  I opened the sunroof, turned up the music and made my way home counting towns and thinking about my incredible life.  I have met amazing people and I love this journey, this is life and I finally feel like I'm living mine...and regardless of what you think...I'm not living a good life at the expense of my husband and children...I'm a great mom and wife...and there is no shame in being Natalie as well.

New York State of Mind XVI

It's always difficult leaving my son, even when I know I'll be back in only a few days…except this time because I'm going to Chicago.  The cheque came and it's the signal to choke back the tears, give myself a pep talk and try my best to not fall apart in front of him.  After I paid the bill I walked him to his car and made sure to hug him a little longer and tell him how much I love him and am so unbelievably proud of him.  I always watch him drive away before I get into my car.

I hopped into my car and still fought to keep the tears at bay, it was a little easier during football season because I would see him weekly.  It was time to go, I still wasn't going to get back home till around 3am and I needed to get some sleep before the NFL kicks off.  I turned onto the highway and slowly got lost in my own thoughts about Dan, Mike, friends, family, and myself.  I have been feeling a little better lately; less shame and embarrassment which has been making room for strength, confidence and happiness…I hope it's real and here to stay.  It's not easy or comfortable making the transition into your own life and happiness but it is necessary to live a life worth living.  I'm trying to be my own best friend and support my choices but I'm not always on my game and I have failed myself in the past.  I think I'm finally at the point that I just need to let it all go and see what happens.  I need to stop sitting on the fence and stop trying to control the outcomes, it's time to jump and hope that I can fly.

When I'm alone I feel the most empowered and I remember how much I used to love this drive.  Counting the towns while I slowly come out of my shell week after week, this was the only therapy I had or needed at the time.  I have come so far and I have some guilt about the little pride I have for myself...as if I'm not allowed to feel anything positive.  I'm stronger now and I can push that garbage out of my head, maybe not forever but definitely for a little while.  My phone vibrating in the cup holder pulled me out of my head; I grabbed it and saw a message from Mike…the cop.  "Hey Natalie, I'm waiting to hear about New York.  How are you?"  I have no idea what to do about this Mike, I feel like I should say good bye but I just can't.  "Hi officer, wanna meet for coffee in the same place?  I'll be there in about half an hour".  I stopped on the side of the road half hoping he was working and half hoping he was already getting in his truck and making his way to me.  I gripped my phone like the magic eight ball waiting for the answer…"I'll meet you there".  I bit my lip and smiled, I just like him.

New York State of Mind XV

I left CJ and was in a great mood, he is so supportive and laid back about my entire situation and it allows me to relax for a brief moment.  My secret life can be draining at times, especially when I have to try and maintain the 'Natalie' from the past and not let the new 'Natalie' out.  No wonder I'm so stressed out and feeling lost I'm constantly moving from who I was to who I want to be; but right now it is necessary so I get into character and walk in to the restaurant to meet my son.

He looks so defeated sitting at the table.  I feel awful for him, all he ever wanted to do was beat that school and it came down to two yards.  This kid is resilient though and he always manages to find a way to use it as his driving force, I'm not worried about him.  I slid in the bench opposite him and grabbed his hands right away, "you looked amazing out there".  He didn't even raise his head, "we still lost".  My heart was sinking for him because I know how badly he wanted that win but football is the only struggle he has in life; and it's not even a struggle with talent so much as coaches and being on less than stellar teams.  I'm guilty of being a little happy that he struggles in this department because I find it is the struggles that builds and shapes the character, there has to be some resistance in his life to help him learn and grow.  He just happens to be lucky enough to struggle with the one thing he is passionate about.  I give him my best pep talk, kiss his hands and trash talk the other team just a little.  He's already moved on to next weeks game as we ordered lunch.

He doesn't know about me...or I guess about my life right now.  He doesn't know I have darkness, sadness and loneliness.  I never want him to know, I want to do all the work and fix me without my children ever having to learn the truth.  I can look at my son and feel confident he has escaped the curse and I can't help but think, 'one down and one to go'.  I could easily sit and talk football with him all day long, he has become this incredible person that I admire and love deeply.  I am blessed to be able to call myself his mother and over the years we have developed a friendship and bond that only gets stronger.  When I look at him I know I am a good mom, whatever choices I made and paths I took I never left him and now when I sit across from him I know that I always loved him enough to do what was best for him rather than what was easiest for me.

New York State of Mind XIIII

Two yards!  Ugh.  First game of the year against their biggest rivals and the provincial champions and we lost by two yards.  I felt terrible for him as we met mid field for our hug and quick chat before he made his way on the bus and back to the school.  He was impressive as usual but it's never easy playing against a much larger team that doesn't feel the effects of exhaustion.  This kid is remarkable and I am completely blessed that I get to be his mother.  I told him I would pick him up and take him for lunch after the team meeting and showers.  I still had to hug my mother and tell CJ about my surprise guest.

I walked back to the parking lot to find my mother and CJ people watching and catching up.  I have the best family.  These two are hilarious to watch and feed off of each other for who can outdo the other with best comment.  My family is not perfect in the least and it used to bother me because it acted as a reminder that neither am I but my family is amazing.  We are resilient, strong, passionate, crazy, intelligent, intense, driven people that will band together even when we don't necessarily talk or like each other.  It took a lot of time on my part and maturing to realize that I actually love the way my family functions because at least it's real and not manufactured.  Once you are part of the family there's no leaving; ex-husbands and wives are still part of us and I think that's amazing.  There have been times that I have gone years without speaking to a brother or sister and now I can't even think of a reason good enough to ever be okay with that...I know I am changing and it's reassuring to see that I am becoming a better version of me.  CJ has become my best friend over the past several months; he supports my choices and never judges me.  I have called him more than once for reassurance and comfort and he never lets me down, I would feel completely lost and scared without him by my side telling me 'it's okay'.  I remember times growing up that I wished my family was 'normal' and acted like everyone else's and now I am grateful that we are too amazing to ever be labelled 'normal'...I belong to this crazy tribe and I feel blessed to claim them.

I hugged my mother and we said our good byes; I told her to keep me posted for next weeks game as I'd be in Chicago.  CJ walked me to my car and I slowly let the cat out of the bag as I told him about Atlantic City and Mike.  I didn't think he would be upset but there was still a part of me that felt bad for inviting a stranger on our annual vacation.  His only question was how I was able to change locations on the dating site; I love this guy, he is part of my tribe.

New York State of Mind XIII

It was barely light out when I finally made it through town and hit the highway.  The past few days were effortless and I enjoyed being home and with my family, perhaps knowing my next leave was already booked helped that along.  Having something to look forward to kept me in the present and I hadn't spent much time lately stressing that my life was passing me by.  I refuse to get lost in my husbands or children's lives; it's not fair to them or myself.  I want more and I want a genuine feeling that I am an individual.

It doesn't feel like it was that long ago that I was making this same drive almost every weekend to visit with Leann and Christian.  Every Saturday at 5 am for the past two years during the football season I jump in my car, drive eight hours, watch my son play football, take him to dinner then turn around and drive right back home.  It is the only time I allow myself these days to get lost in his life and let mine fall away.  When he takes the field I am mesmerized.  He trains like it's his job; his love for the game flows through him and watching him fills me with so much pride and happiness.  For one hour a week I don't think about anything, I just watch him do what he loves and he is absolutely brilliant at it.  I have a sense of relief because he has something that he is passionate about and is all his; maybe he won't have to take the same path my mother and I have been walking for far too long.  I wonder if my daughter will have the same curse and hope she can escape it like her brother.  I remember watching him play in his first year and he was so small and young and could barely play a position.  Every year he went to his coach and asked to play quarterback and for three straight years they turned him down without ever letting him throw the ball once.  He was defeated and so upset by the system that allowed volunteer coaches to play their children first regardless of talent...but he didn't quit or bitch about it he just grabbed his cleats every year and showed up to play.  I have no idea how he did it, all his friends quit the first year and he stayed, he didn't like his teammates and he stayed, he was treated unfairly by coaches and he stayed...that is love.  When he was finally given a chance to try out for quarterback he got it, we joked that it was because he finally had a coach that didn't have a kid on the team but I never missed the chance to reinforce that it was due to hard work.  There is something beautiful when the realization hits you that you did everything you could for your child and not only was it enough but he is taking full advantage of his opportunities...I could learn something from him.  He and I have an incredible relationship and bond, I took an interest in football when he fell in love with it and at times it has acted as our common ground.

It's the first game of the year and the lot is packed, I grabbed my sunflower seeds and walked the hill. CJ and my mother saved me a seat in our schools crowd.  I made a mental note to tell CJ that I am bringing a friend to Chicago.  This is it, the first game of his final year in high school and he gets to take the field as a captain.  My heart fills and everything else slides away...it's kick off...

New York State of Mind XII

I got home late last night thanks to an extra long unplanned lay over in Toronto.  Dan was already asleep and I didn't want to wake him so I slept in the spare room.  I could hear him getting ready for work so I climbed out of bed and met him in our bedroom.  He looked great, refreshed and beautiful. Dan never made me feel bad, I never had to worry about awkward moments or backhanded comments after I returned home and this isn't anything new, Dan has always been this amazing...sometimes I would swear he was made just for me.  He caught me up on his days of playing in the park, going to the farmers market, swimming and bedtimes.  Our daughter is the exact mix of our personalities and I love watching the two of them together.

We walked downstairs and made coffee and breakfast together.  I told him all about New York and Atlantic City and the awful experience I had trying to return the car.  "Why didn't you just send Karen in to deal with it?"  I could see him smile as he said it, he knows what she is like when dealing with people.  "Because it would have either turned into an international incident or looked like a hate crime".   Dan and I had a running pool of when and where Karen would first be arrested...we just assume it will be for something along the lines of assault, or road rage.  I grabbed the coffee and he brought the plates to the table.  "I invited Mike to come to Chicago when I go and he booked his flight".  I don't know exactly what I was expecting so it was nice when he smiled, "that's great, sounds like you had a good time".  I did, I had an amazing time learning about him, meeting his crew, dinner, drinks and breakfast.  Mike was a perfect gentleman and I like that there are no expectations, we just hang out and chat and I can feel us getting closer.  I haven't discussed or disclosed my darkness to him and somehow I don't feel it is necessary; he knows I have it and doesn't ever ask to see it.  

We continued talking about the week and I was completely engaged and it felt like it used to...nothing was missing.  Dan is my best friend in every sense of the word, he is understanding even when he doesn't really get it, he is compassionate, forgiving, honest, and has never once made me feel judged or embarrassed for being broken.  I feel like myself again, but it won't last because I've been working at getting rid of her...but I need a break and more importantly so does Dan so I won't fight it.  He left for work and I made my way up the stairs to see my little beauty.  She was still asleep clutching her blanket and favourite stuffed animal.  I crawled in beside her and just enjoyed the fact that I was exactly where I wanted to be...

New York State of Mind XI

Karen woke me at an ungodly hour to go for coffee, stroll through Central Park and get a last piece of cheese cake...it was still dark out.  I'm always game for squeezing in as much vacation as possible.  I walked out half in pyjamas and half in my running gear, my hair looks like a rats nest on top of my head and with sleep still in my eyes.  Karen gave me a once over and I flipped her off, this wasn't a beauty contest we are going for breakfast cheesecake and there is no class in that.

We walked down 7th Avenue; the lights from Times Square lit up like the sun and hurt the eyes.  Starbucks was still closed so we stopped in at a diner and grabbed some coffee for our middle of the night walk through Central Park.  I should have been scared but Karen is far scarier and meaner than anyone that's going to jump out of the bushes.  Every time I walk through the park I see new things and it's becoming like a kinder surprise.   I find myself looking for certain places I have seen in movies or television and pointing buildings out to Karen.  This has been one of my favourite trips to the big apple and I'm looking forward to coming back again and often.  I steered Karen towards an exit because we were nowhere ready to leave for the airport and she still insisted on strawberry cheesecake  for breakfast.  We were the only two in this enormous restaurant except for a man working on his computer so we invited him to eat with us.  I almost fell over when he said he never had the cheesecake...here we were at 6 am in pyjamas stuffing oversized amounts in our mouths like were heading to the electric chair rather than the airport.  Thank god no one is here to witness this display.  I paid the cheque and we walked the couple blocks back to our hotel, the sun was starting to make an appearance and I felt a tinge of sadness knowing I'd be on a flight in the next couple of hours.

I did a swan dive onto the bed and silently hoped that Karen would offer to pack my suitcase or just take the initiative...she didn't.  I finally got motivated to shower, dress, play a game of candy crush and jam everything I owned into my suitcase.  We walked down to the lobby to grab a cab to the airport, I could use a little cheering up and watching Karen deal with cab drivers is always good for a laugh.  She's aggressive before she even opens the door and I like to play into that hand.  After checking in and making our way through security we sat at our gate and people watched for about an hour.  I felt relaxed and ready to head home, I knew I'd be back and I was pretty excited that Mike is coming to Chicago.  I could hardly wait to see Dan and fill him in on my trip, I wish I could be better for him...I'm working on it and finally feel like I'm at least heading in the right direction.  This is solely based on the fact that I feel comfortable and like I belong somewhere.  We boarded the plane and I handed Karen my headphones, I preferred to collect my thoughts theses days and plan out my next move...it was like constantly planning a vacation and I loved it.  My life was becoming a little more of my own and it made me feel a little less empty...

New York State of Mind XI

I got back to the room in time to find Karen packing the last of her clothes and toiletries.  I left some money on the dresser to pay for my three beer and grabbed my things.  I wanted to be back in Manhattan for dinner and we still had to drop the car off in Jersey and grab a bus.  We looked the room over to make sure we didn't forget anything...I didn't bother to tell Karen that if we had left anything behind Mike could bring it when I see him Chicago in a couple of weeks.   I have no idea how she would react to that and I am not capable of dealing with those dramatics right now and just want to get on the turn pike.

It took us forty five minutes to finally get out of town...one strip in the city and we just couldn't find a way out for some reason.  At one point I told Karen if I had seen the hotel one more time I was going back in to get a room.  Even when we finally managed to get on the turn pike it was so confusing it took us almost four hours to drive what took us an hour and a half the day before.  Apparently once you make a right hand turn you're screwed and back in Atlantic City trying all over again to get the hell out.  When we finally found the car rental company they were in the midst of closing and to add insult to injury the kid behind the desk refused to take the car because it was after 4pm.  So there I was yelling through the door that it's 4:02pm and they can just take the keys.  The manager came to the door to tell me he couldn't accept the car because it was late and to come back tomorrow; I politely relayed that I was flying out of LaGuardia first thing in the morning and couldn't come back.  I took a breath and walked away before the potted plant went through the front window...I was hung over, car sick, exhausted and now pissed off to the point of tears.  After a lengthy conversation with customer service they allowed me to take the car to the Newark airport...at least they have a train to Manhattan.  I jumped back in the car and proceeded to try and calm Karen down; we google mapped our trip to the airport and tried to find our way back to the turnpike; we turned left and got stuck in traffic from the Giants game...I wanted to kick the windshield out of the car but all I could do was laugh until I finally cried, exhaustion plays with my emotions recklessly.

We finally arrived at our hotel four hours after sitting in traffic with pissed off Giants fans.  I would have left the car on the side of the road if the airport refused it.  Karen and I walked down Times Square to my favourite place; I can't eat wheat but after today I ordered two slices, a beer and a black and white cookie...I couldn't care less how much worse this would make me feel.  We sat in silence and ate, I couldn't help but laugh...I had an amazing time and I'm ready to go home and see my family.  I miss Dan and our Monday morning therapy sessions.

New York State of Mind X

I spotted Mike in a corner booth drinking coffee and looking at his phone.  He looked rough and I know I look the same.  He looked up and I wondered if he noticed me staring, I didn't mean to look creepy but I was worried that any sudden movement would make me throw up or fall down...I think I'm still intoxicated.  I threw my purse on the bench and slowly slid into booth, he put his phone down and I could see him smiling at me out of corner of my eye.  "Good morning Natalie, did you sleep?"  That sounded like a nice way to say, 'you look like shit'.  I placed my forehead on the table and could hear him order me coffee and water; he tousled my hair and I could hear him laughing at me.  "Mike, I'm pretty sure I'm dying".  I looked up and he was sipping his coffee and looking at me, he is so sweet and kind.  He looked rough but still great, what the hell?  We had the same night so why does he look like he slept and I look like the walk of shame.  

We ordered breakfast against my better judgement and recalled the night.  I met his work crew after dinner over drinks and they were probably the most interesting group of people I have met in a long time.  They shared stories about all the shows they worked on and celebrities they work with; I was star struck without even seeing a star.  These guys are like the mafia of television; you have to be brought into the trade and typically it is only as one reaches their retirement, there is no school for this and only a handful exist.  Mike is completely self made and is not only successful but really great at what he does.  I asked him if he would take me to work one day, he smiled and offered to take me to a taping but I'd have to be in an audience and not behind the scenes with him.  These guys are completely desensitized to the people they work for and talk like their old friends; I'm in awe listening and absorbing all the stories like there will be an exam afterwards.  We all sat around the Irish pub and listened to music, people watched, shared stories and drank way too much until we all finally made our way back to our rooms with the sun chasing us. 

I had an amazing night and felt a little sad now that breakfast was wrapping up and I had to head back to Manhattan and he had to get to work.  He paid the bill and we walked over to Starbucks to grab some ice coffees.  "So I'll see you in a couple of weeks in Chicago".  Oh yeah, that keeps slipping my mind.  I'm heading there with my brothers to watch a game, I should tell him that.  I can't believe he booked a flight and I'm starting to see he's crazy like me, not 'burn your house down crazy' but crazy enough to book a flight to see me again in a different city...I like that we share this.  He walked me to the elevator and thanked me for taking a day out of my vacation to meet him.  I teased that he owed me a full day in Manhattan...he laughed and agreed.  I already can't wait to see him again...the doors closed and I caught his last smile. 

New York State of Mind VIIII

I woke startled and scared; I'm not sure why, it must have been a nightmare.  I have a lot of those lately and I wonder if it has anything to do with my desire to let go of my life or at least exchange it for one I am comfortable in.  I guess when you stare at your own demons they fight back...it's so emotionally draining and discouraging.  Karen was still asleep and I think I may have only gotten in about an hour of ago.  I grabbed some Advil and made my way to the washroom to calm down.  I felt a chill either from the hangover or fear from whatever woke me up so I turned on the shower and laid in the bath.  I'm starting to understand why people self medicate and become addicted to street drugs and pain pills.  Laura once told me she was shocked I didn't use anything to escape; how pathetic that I clung to that statement as a way to pat myself on the back.  She is wrong though because I am an addict I just don't use drugs or alcohol; I use anxiety, worry and control to satiate my fears and forget my past while trying to have something that resembles a healthy future.  I've discovered that the more I open up and talk to strangers the more I see myself in them...maybe not myself but definitely my struggles, fears and sadness.  With this comes a comfort I have never really known or been familiar with and I imagine this is why support groups exist and maybe why I am building one as well.  It's strange when I think of how many people out there are just like me or a variation of, that hide and cling to an existence that isn't even real.  If 'normal' is used to describe the majority then I feel more 'normal' each day...and I hate that word because it has destroyed and alienated me in the past.  I'm starting to feel stronger these days and I wonder if it is because I am putting more energy into liking and accepting myself and none into hiding or running from it...playing a character for years does not become natural, it becomes draining and sad.  People will leave me, they will judge, they will whisper, they will laugh, they will be mean and call me names...but they do that now and I am still trying for the acceptance...it's all in my head, I live in there way too much.  People actually don't care and the ones that do make me wonder if my openness causes an uncomfortable feeling in themselves that they have no desire explore.  I can't let the thought of what 'other people' say, think. and do affect me because truth be told, I don't even know if it is real or imagined and it only offers me shame and embarrassment as I try and move on. 

I turned off the water and made my way back to bed.  I have become strong enough to lift myself up and stand up for who I am and what I want...I don't ever want to look back on another chapter of my own life with sadness because I hid who I was so you could be comfortable.  I like who I am and it feels amazing...I hope this is a step in releasing that little girl from her cage.

I grabbed my phone and noticed a couple messages from Mike, "Hey Nat, I booked my trip to Chicago".  Oh yeah...I invited him on my trip.  I'm meeting him for breakfast in a couple of hours and can't wait to see him again.

New york State of Mind VIII

I threw on some heels, a little gloss, downed my third beer and pulled myself together.  It's funny how  when this all started out it was about opening my marriage and just trying a new path and now it has become a quest to find more people like me and maybe someone with an answer.  I don't know if Mike has those answers but we definitely share a lot and I want to learn more.  I don't miss John anymore and hardly think about him but I won't test those waters just yet...there's no point.  Karen finally returned and had clearly been shopping more than most would or could in a casino.  She was in a great mood so I pulled myself out of my own head and lost myself in her day.  I love this woman, she is amazing and beautiful...she loves and cares for me unconditionally.  She doesn't agree with my choices but respects my life and would do anything to take away my darkness...even absorb it into her own.  I ordered her dinner as promised and she is not cheap let me tell you, I can see the smirk on her face as she tests my credit card and patience...I can't help but laugh because she's so great.

I grabbed my purse and headed for the elevator.  My heart was racing and I couldn't explain why since Mike and I already met.  I had so many questions and so much to say but I needed to be mindful of being overwhelming as I can be when excited.  I don't want him to feel like I have an agenda...and I really don't want to have one.  I have this desire to connect with him and it's strong, I want to discuss a lifetime of darkness and feel that I am not alone.  I took a deep breath and stepped inside the elevator relieved that it was empty and I would be alone for a few minutes.  How do I even start?  He has thrown his life up to me on his darkest days without ever even looking in my eyes and I wonder if he will do it again or at least entertain me while I try and do the same.  I'm not ignorant to the fact that this can have consequences I may not want to deal with but it may also be my only chance...if not now, then when?

The doors opened and Mike was sitting on a bench just outside.  He is beautiful and makes me smile as soon as I see him.  I can't distinguish anymore if his looks are stunning or his soul and I don't think it matters.  "Hi Natalie, you look great.  There's a nice Italian restaurant we can go to if you like Italian".  He makes me feel comfortable immediately and my heart rate returns to normal as we lock arms and head for the restaurant.  He's a gentleman and I already enjoy his company.

New York State of Mind VII

I laid back down on the bed and collected my thoughts.  Mike was nothing like John, well as far as personality goes.  There is a softness about him that contradicts his entire look and I'm attracted to it and him.  I think the softness is from being broken a few times throughout his life, he proceeds with caution and doesn't appear to have any aggression left.  He told me about his youth and the trouble he would get into and I imagine he has gotten out the anger and now deals with the loss and loneliness of so many relationships gone wrong.  His eyes don't change; he doesn't possess the switch and although I'm grateful, I know that power would have been welcomed with open arms to anyone who has ever sat at the bottom of their own darkness.

I grabbed my suitcase and started to get ready, it helps calm me down and if Karen sees my excitement it will just put a scowl on her face.  I could feel the anxiety start to rise in my gut so I grabbed a beer and finished it fast...I'll make sure to give Mike the obscene amount of money for that.  There is a fear inside of me that I have been ignoring for a long time and the hope is that if I don't think about it then maybe it will just go away...but it won't because it can't.  I can barely think about it without dry heaving, it can bring me to my knees and send me into prayer.  I downed one more beer and headed for the shower making sure to deadbolt the door on my way.

I sat in the shower and stared numbly at the wall.  I'm playing with a power far beyond my control and I feel like the moth that is drawn to the flame.  There are no brakes on this train, I've started this and now it's time to see it through to the end.  I need to pull myself together and pull this off otherwise it will all be for nothing...quitting isn't an option for me anymore.  No more tears Natalie, this is war and you may have just found the perfect person to align with.  I feel bad for Mike, I see him like the little girl locked in the cage...an abused animal with a broken spirit and bruised wings.  I can't possibly cry about this anymore and I think Mike has just become so used to being broken that he accepts it as a part of who he is...I refuse to do that...I won't accept defeat.  Either I live in misery with the darkness or I live in misery fighting it...choose your misery...

New York State of Mind VI

The blood finally returned to my brain and I realized that it had to be Mike because whoever it was had a key; now I just had to hope that the person in the room was the one I had been talking with.  I could hear him going through a dresser so I slowly opened one eye to catch a glimpse of him...I must be losing my mind.  I immediately thought of Karen, if she walked in right now they would need dental records to identify him.  I had to stop this because the anxiety was too much, "are you seriously going to rob me while I sleep?"  He turned around and I was so relieved he looked exactly like his pictures, "Hi Natalie".  I felt giddy and couldn't help but giggle.  He forgot his computer in the room and since I didn't text him he had no idea I would be there.  Thank god Karen was not the one sleeping in the room.

We sat for a bit and chatted. He was thankful I wasn't a large black man and I was relieved he was not going to make our first date a scene from Criminal Minds.  He's exactly who he claimed to be and it puts me at ease immediately...but his darkness is a constant reminder that this can go sideways at any time.  I remember the conversation about his past and it makes my heart hurt...how did he become this incredible man without the love and support so many of us need.  It just makes me like him more, he is a beautiful man with so much to offer; whoever gets him will be a very lucky woman.  I enjoy listening to him and can pick out little character traits I don't think he knows he possesses.  He comes off as really easy going but I can feel his intensity and he is high energy not unlike myself.  We're fairly similar and I am worried that if he talks as much as I do we may not get along.  It's easy to have any sort of relationship online or while texting but in person it's a whole different game; adding tone, emotion and body language can alter the way you initially perceived someone.  I easily got lost in him.  Mike is very interesting and intelligent, he has crazy stories and he's a beauty to look at.  I was getting lost in conversation when my phone lit up...it was Karen, I almost forgot about her.  I had to get Mike out of his own room before my chaperone returned.

Mike was great, he laughed as I kicked him out of his own room but understood completely.  Dinner was only a couple of hours away.  I hope Karen will extend my curfew...I should have left her in Manhattan...

New York State of Mind V

I laid in bed awake most of the night filled with excitement and anxiety.  I watched the clock tick down until it was time to start getting ready to leave.  I jumped in the shower and as soon as the hot water hit me I felt nauseous and sad, I sat down to collect myself.  The water washed over me and I could feel my body sweat out the fear...it's all an amazing ride but eventually you have to meet that person and the chances of it being exactly as you expect is so slim I wonder if it's worth a ride on my emotional roller coaster.  I try to relax, there is no reason for me to have any expectations regarding Mike.  The plan is to have dinner, drinks and maybe gamble a little, thinking beyond that is just adding stress needlessly.  I'm finally able to stand up and wash my hair.  It's time to pull myself together...if I'm gonna live on my edge then I'm going to at least try and do it with confidence.

Karen and I left a few minutes early to grab coffee, there was no way I could even think about food right now.  We arrived at Penn Station in time to play a game of 'guess which gate your bus is leaving from today'.  What a nightmare this place is and the longer it takes to figure out the system the more intense my anxiety becomes.  After a solid hour of running from gate to gate we finally asked for help and were taken to the proper location.  The bus ride to Jersey was fast and we were in our car and on the turnpike in record time.  We decided to head straight for AC to eat and shop all day long.  With every mile we drove my fear grew and I couldn't even talk about it.  Karen will turn into a bigger mess than myself if she has to hear about this side of my life and I can barely hold myself together, I couldn't possibly take care of her emotional needs too.

The drive only took a couple of hours, we were drinking coffee and shopping like it was our job before noon.  Mike texted that there were keys waiting for me at the front desk and that he removed most of his things so Karen and I could have the room for the night.  I made a mental note to remind Karen to stay out of the mini bar, not to order room service or rent any movies...she can be a passive aggressive bitch at times and I didn't want her to ring up a bill as a silent fuck you to Mike.  I could feel my body start to vibrate, it was time for lunch and I absolutely had to force myself to eat.

After we ate we went to the hotel to drop off our things and park the car.  I had to meet Mike in a few hours downstairs so I wanted to rest and freshen up since I had already been up for several hours.  I laid on the bed while Karen went to check out the casino's.  I started to doze off to college football when I heard Karen come back into the room.  I felt a hand on my foot and someone whisper my name, my heart stopped and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes...I was paralyzed with fear, that was not Karen...

New York State of Mind IV

Karen and I started our day hating each other at Starbucks about an hour after we intended to start the day.  We didn't actually hate each other, we just hated everything and everyone...blinking hurt and the sun needed to get lost in the worst way.  After two Americano's and fruit we decided to walk through Central Park until we could tolerate other people and being shoved around the concrete jungle.  There is something about this city that makes me feel incredible and looking over the trees at the beautiful buildings never fails to make me fall in love.

We finally exited on the upper east side by the Guggenheim Museum and started making our way down town.  I almost never take the subway or cabs in Manhattan, it seems like a waste to not enjoy every inch of the city.  Today we were walking to Soho to shop and eat, Karen has no idea how far that is and I'm hoping she is too distracted to notice.  She stopped to look at some art work on the street and I grabbed a corner of a bench and checked my phone for messages.  Mike was enjoying Atlantic City and had a few places he wanted to show me; he makes me excited and I can hardly wait to see him tomorrow.  We are connected the same way I was with John but Mike is open and vocal about himself and I easily gravitate towards him.  But I know darkness and I know that what Mike feels right now could change at any moment.  Darkness can make you fall in love and break your heart, it will build your empire then burn it to the ground...at times it has been my driving force and others it has driven me off a cliff...it can't be trusted...it's the trojan horse.  I wonder if that's how Dan sees and feels about me...initially a beautiful gift that opened his eyes to so much more in the world and then when he least suspected it...the flood gates opened and out poured all of my darkness into his life and now he looks at this gift and wonders if it was ever a gift at all.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Karen calling my name, I wiped my eyes and threw my phone in my purse.  Karen and I locked arms and proceeded down Fifth Avenue...we had about fifteen miles to walk round trip today.  How do people suffer in silence?

New York State of Mind III

It was round 8pm when we finally arrived at our hotel; that is the last time I take a shuttle, I'd rather pay a little extra and take a taxi even if it is with Karen.  After we checked in, got to our room and freshened up I texted Mike to let him know I had arrived.  Karen and I grabbed our purses and hit the pavement, we were going to squeeze every minute out of this vacation and it was nice since we were staying in the heart of Times Square.   We strolled over and shoe shopped on Fifth Avenue, grabbed some food and started to pub crawl back to the hotel after a few hours.  It's nice going to Manhattan with someone who has already been there; I love enjoying the city without having to wait in lines or buy tickets for sites I have already seen several times.  We ended up at our favorite Irish pub and proceeded to make friends with the other people around us as well as the staff...six beer each in a hour and a half was way too much for either of us. 


We stumbled through Times Square making our way back to our hotel and I was already dreading the morning so I made a quick stop for Advil and water.  I tried my best to find the anti snoring strips for Karen because I knew when her head hit the pillow I wouldn't get five minutes of sleep, but my vision was blurry and I didn't want to have a game of drunk charades with the senior that works behind the counter. 


I popped my pills just before I crawled into bed.  We had a full day tomorrow of walking, shopping, eating and people watching, I wanted to make sure I was in top form.  I grabbed my phone and read my messages from Mike...from Long Island.  He advised me that he would be off at 4pm the day I arrived and would not need to be back at the pageant until noon the following day.  I could feel the butterflies creep up...or maybe it was all the beer.  I still had some fear that he was going to turn out like John and I wasn't prepared to have to deal with that again.  I could hear Karen already in the initial stages of her all night snoring and sent one last text before I buried my head in the pillows.  "Good night Mike, I'll text you when I wake...see you soon;)".  My phone lit up almost immediately, "Good night Natalie, I'm glad you're coming back soon just let me know the dates".  Shit!   Wrong Mike...

New York State of Mind II

Karen and I arrived at the airport a few hours before departure which meant breakfast was on me.  After effortlessly passing through security we grabbed some coffee and waited by our gate.  I could see Karen drift back off to sleep as she slowly poured her coffee all over the seat beside her.  I love this woman, she came into my life a few years ago and we have been inseparable ever since.  She is a nana to my children, my best friend and has now become a friend to many members in my family.  She is overly protective of the people she loves and only allows a few in her inner circle.  I have been guilty of winding her up to watch her spin purely for my own amusement; it reminds me of John and I am instantly sick.  I put my feet up and rested my head on Karen's shoulder; she has been a great friend to me and a rock when my darkness rolls through.  Over the past several months she has become a compliment to Dan's support and understands my struggles all too well.  I have witnessed what her darkness can do to her and it sends a panic throughout my body with the possibility that one day mine could cripple me for months at a time.  I have watched her walk through parts of her life completely disengaged and vacant but she has never perfected hiding her sadness; I love her like a second mother.

I looked out the window as our plane pulled up to the gate and I finally felt all the excitement rushing through me.  I'm fighting to keep the guilt at bay and wonder how many Heineken I'll need to secure it doesn't show up throughout the next few days.  I woke Karen so we could get in line and board the plane.  We grabbed our seats and I immediately felt bad for the woman next to Karen trapped between her and the window.  I took my phone out to turn it off and seen a message from Mike, the cop.  "Hi Natalie, haven't heard from you in a while, I hope everything is okay and that we can get together soon".  It occurred to me that I hadn't yet spoke to him about the awkwardness I feel about him being on John's team.  I make a mental note to do it as soon as I get home, no point breaking that off until after I meet Mike...the one from Long Island.  "Hi Mike, I am doing great (lie), I'm just on my way to NYC so I'll text you when I get home".  I wonder how he feels about our friendship, we met because of John, they work together and he has seen me throw up in a ditch on more than one occasion...what is wrong with this guy?  In the time it took me to text both Mike's, Karen made friends with the woman beside her which is great because we can be a handful.  "Enjoy your trip and I hope to hear from you soon".  I powered my phone down and threw it into my purse.

Karen introduced me to our friend by the window as we taxied down the runway.  Nine hours until we touch down at LaGuardia; I can feel my anxiety creep up and I can't distinguish if it is from all the excitement I have around Mike...from Long Island, or from my fear of flying...wheels up...