New York State of Mind XVII

I sat at the same picnic table with two coffees and checked my messages while waiting for Mike.  I was a little shocked when he showed up in uniform and in his police car, after all we are miles out of his jurisdiction...I don't know why I am shocked anymore by anything cops do.  "Good afternoon officer".  I couldn't help but giggle just a little especially since he could make me blush just by looking at me.  "Hi Natalie, I'm glad you were in the area".  He sat down and I slid his coffee over to him.   "I didn't realize you were working, you didn't have to come".  He was staring at me and I could see it out of the corner of my eye, it was difficult for me to maintain eye contact with him and I have no idea why.  "It's no problem, I have someone taking over".  I wondered if it was John, I hadn't thought about him in a long time.  There was no way I was going to even mention that name to Mike for fear it would cause us to have the awkward conversation, I wasn't prepared to make any decisions regarding this cop anytime soon.  I have so many things I want to ask him but I feel like I'm in a mine field and any wrong question or answer could mean the end to this...I don't even know what this is.

We sat in silence for a bit although it felt like forever.  He finally spoke, "I have training in Ottawa in a couple of months, would you be interested in joining me?"  As the words fell out of his mouth and I processed them I felt instant de ja vu and I couldn't help but feel a little suspicious.  I guess the issue with dating cops is that once you have dated one you can't date others from the same division without feeling like you're dating close cousins...cousins to each other, not me.  I already know John is going to be there because he invited me and the thought of going with his colleague seems a touch mean and weird. Imagine the awkwardness of going to dinner with Mike and seeing John, or hanging out with Mike while John is there.  I wonder if John even knows that Mike texts me and I start to wonder if I'm being set up.  John is a different duck and when he is in the cop zone he can be intense and intimidating...is he testing me?  It's more likely he doesn't even care or think about me anymore.  "That's some invite officer, maybe we can discuss it closer to the date if you haven't run anyway yet". I winked and smiled to soften the light rejection.  I wonder if Mike knows the story of 'John and Natalie' and if he does I wonder how John tells that story.  There is something inside me that wants to know but I feel strongly that John and I connected through the darkness and he won't throw me under the bus...but would that change if he knew about Mike?  Ugh, my life is looking like a mini drama series with a laugh track.  "Well officer it's time for me to head home but I really appreciate you meeting me last minute again".  He walked me to my car and opened the door, "I hope I get to see you again".   I hope I get to see him again too, I like him....a lot.

I hugged the cop and jumped in my car.  I opened the sunroof, turned up the music and made my way home counting towns and thinking about my incredible life.  I have met amazing people and I love this journey, this is life and I finally feel like I'm living mine...and regardless of what you think...I'm not living a good life at the expense of my husband and children...I'm a great mom and wife...and there is no shame in being Natalie as well.