New York State of Mind XXI

The excitement and anxiety leading up to Chicago was becoming overwhelming, sometimes I felt like I was going to burst and other times crumble.  It's almost like there has to be a complete destruction of who I was in order to build who I want to be, it's a crazy mess I just keep trying to find my way through.  I've come a long way...I think.  I feel different and act different and the transformation is becoming more clear to me but it has become a monumental task.  Im comfortable tearing down my beliefs, fears, relationships, moral and values in order to build the new and improved me.  I've started to mentally prepare myself for the reality that not everyone will like the new me, the real me, the me that has stood off to the side for fear or standing out.  I'm starting to feel okay with it though because I have a comfort now with who I am that was non existent before.  The strength and confidence I am gaining is like nothing I have ever felt before and I know it has to be because I am finally stepping into my own life and following what I believe and value.  I know longer hate the life I was escaping and I can understand how others find comfort in it, perhaps if there was no darkness then I would have embraced it too.  One day I will get to the point where the whispers and giggles won't even make me turn my head, there is no shame or embarrassment in living the life you want...after all your judgement does not define me at all, in fact it is only a reflection of your character.  I'm stepping away from the control that I used to need to make sure noone ever found out, some will like me and some will be uncomfortable around me and it is not up to me to control or lead you one way or the other.  Don't get me wrong I am guilty of being the judger because it somehow suppressed my own fears and anxieties, but that part of Natalie is being destroyed because it's no longer necessary in order for me to survive.  It almost seems crazy that the one behaviour I feared in others was the one I let stand out in myself...gross.  I would rather stand alone and comfortable in who I am then stand with everyone and hope I blend to hide the fear, shame and embarrassment.  It feels amazing to be this free; no longer allowing others opinions to have weight in my life and genuinely being okay within myself for what you think of me...I can't help but wonder...how much more destruction has to happen before the building phase can be complete...