New York State of Mind VII

I laid back down on the bed and collected my thoughts.  Mike was nothing like John, well as far as personality goes.  There is a softness about him that contradicts his entire look and I'm attracted to it and him.  I think the softness is from being broken a few times throughout his life, he proceeds with caution and doesn't appear to have any aggression left.  He told me about his youth and the trouble he would get into and I imagine he has gotten out the anger and now deals with the loss and loneliness of so many relationships gone wrong.  His eyes don't change; he doesn't possess the switch and although I'm grateful, I know that power would have been welcomed with open arms to anyone who has ever sat at the bottom of their own darkness.

I grabbed my suitcase and started to get ready, it helps calm me down and if Karen sees my excitement it will just put a scowl on her face.  I could feel the anxiety start to rise in my gut so I grabbed a beer and finished it fast...I'll make sure to give Mike the obscene amount of money for that.  There is a fear inside of me that I have been ignoring for a long time and the hope is that if I don't think about it then maybe it will just go away...but it won't because it can't.  I can barely think about it without dry heaving, it can bring me to my knees and send me into prayer.  I downed one more beer and headed for the shower making sure to deadbolt the door on my way.

I sat in the shower and stared numbly at the wall.  I'm playing with a power far beyond my control and I feel like the moth that is drawn to the flame.  There are no brakes on this train, I've started this and now it's time to see it through to the end.  I need to pull myself together and pull this off otherwise it will all be for nothing...quitting isn't an option for me anymore.  No more tears Natalie, this is war and you may have just found the perfect person to align with.  I feel bad for Mike, I see him like the little girl locked in the cage...an abused animal with a broken spirit and bruised wings.  I can't possibly cry about this anymore and I think Mike has just become so used to being broken that he accepts it as a part of who he is...I refuse to do that...I won't accept defeat.  Either I live in misery with the darkness or I live in misery fighting it...choose your misery...