New York State of Mind XVIIII

I woke with a hand on my face and to the sound of little snores in my ear...it's comforting and sweet.  I rolled out of bed and left her with Dan to sleep the morning away while I prepared for kick off.  Every Sunday we host a full day of watching football and it has become a great distraction for me and I imagine for Dan too.  I only have a few days left before Chicago and I am excited to see and spend more time with Mike.  I try not to think about it because it's important for me to stay in the here and now for my family but sometimes when I can feel the darkness and tears start to surface I run away in my head and hide in a place it can't find me.  Sometimes I feel like I constantly have to remind myself to focus and it's becoming a part time job I wish I didn't need.  I don't know if I'm hoping for this to be something that becomes habit or what will be the end game.  I guess happiness and fulfilment but I have no idea if I am even on that path, maybe I need guidance and a clear game plan.  How do you know the path to take when you have no idea where you are going or what you are looking for?  What a fucking mess.

I started the crock pot and added all the ingredients for chilli, filled the fridge with beer, put out the chips, dips, cookies, crackers and veggies and made a coffee.  Things have changed for me and I can feel it.  I'm stepping more and more into my own life and out of your norm, I am trying to shake the need to hide or conform but old habits die hard.  I have completely isolated myself from those that live the life I am trying to escape and have walked away from the idea that different is wrong...I am very different from those around me and there is no shame in that.  My whole life I have known I was different in the way I think and act, I have spent too much time trying to change my nature and now that I am flowing with it I finally feel peace in me.  I was three when the darkness first came into my life and there have been years that I have been able to escape it but now there is no escape, it's an abusive relationship that I can never get out of...Laura can only do so much but not everything can be erased or forgotten and my only hope is learning how I can coexist with it.

I finished my coffee and stirred the chilli.  I need a break from me, I leashed the dogs and grabbed my iPod.  My darkness may be my passenger in life but I am still the driver and everyday I take more chances on me and pay less attention to it...side seat drivers are the worst.  I put in my earbuds and hit the pavement...two hours till kick off.