New York State of Mind XV

I left CJ and was in a great mood, he is so supportive and laid back about my entire situation and it allows me to relax for a brief moment.  My secret life can be draining at times, especially when I have to try and maintain the 'Natalie' from the past and not let the new 'Natalie' out.  No wonder I'm so stressed out and feeling lost I'm constantly moving from who I was to who I want to be; but right now it is necessary so I get into character and walk in to the restaurant to meet my son.

He looks so defeated sitting at the table.  I feel awful for him, all he ever wanted to do was beat that school and it came down to two yards.  This kid is resilient though and he always manages to find a way to use it as his driving force, I'm not worried about him.  I slid in the bench opposite him and grabbed his hands right away, "you looked amazing out there".  He didn't even raise his head, "we still lost".  My heart was sinking for him because I know how badly he wanted that win but football is the only struggle he has in life; and it's not even a struggle with talent so much as coaches and being on less than stellar teams.  I'm guilty of being a little happy that he struggles in this department because I find it is the struggles that builds and shapes the character, there has to be some resistance in his life to help him learn and grow.  He just happens to be lucky enough to struggle with the one thing he is passionate about.  I give him my best pep talk, kiss his hands and trash talk the other team just a little.  He's already moved on to next weeks game as we ordered lunch.

He doesn't know about me...or I guess about my life right now.  He doesn't know I have darkness, sadness and loneliness.  I never want him to know, I want to do all the work and fix me without my children ever having to learn the truth.  I can look at my son and feel confident he has escaped the curse and I can't help but think, 'one down and one to go'.  I could easily sit and talk football with him all day long, he has become this incredible person that I admire and love deeply.  I am blessed to be able to call myself his mother and over the years we have developed a friendship and bond that only gets stronger.  When I look at him I know I am a good mom, whatever choices I made and paths I took I never left him and now when I sit across from him I know that I always loved him enough to do what was best for him rather than what was easiest for me.