New York State of Mind XX

Football season is my absolute favourite time of year.  Saturdays are spent driving countless hours to watch my son play and Sundays are spent with great friends yelling at the TV and having every device open to check our fantasy leagues.  My weekends cruise by without so much as a blip in my thoughts...but it's easy to avoid the mess when I'm too busy to pay attention to it.

My kitchen on Monday mornings was the equivalent to a frat house kitchen; counter tops are covered in empty cans, bottles and left over food.  I started the process of cleaning and cooking because Monday morning therapy would be in session soon and I wanted to be ready.  Dan and I haven't had a lot of time to connect lately and it is largely due to my absence over weekends.  We spend most of our time talking about football and our fantasy teams, we have moved into the friendship zone which is typically the case during the season.  We have developed this amazing relationship where we blend together so well that at times that it almost feels like we are the same person.  Sometimes our marriage feels more like a friendship and I think it's because Dan realizes that I need a friend more than a husband right now.  He is incredible and amazes me every single day.

My phone started blinking so I grabbed my coffee and started checking my messages.  Mike booked his hotel just across the street from mine and sent some links to restaurants with gluten free options, he really is very sweet.  I'm hoping we can replicate Atlantic City and have a great time.  I have to find a way to spend a lot of time with him and not neglect the brothers whom are already not really excited about my arrangement over our trip.  Mike has no interest in meeting them and they feel about the same, I make a mental note to never try this again because I'm already feeling stressed wondering how I will divide my time.  Mike and I have discussed me going to NY to visit him and have picked dates...now I just have to check with my husband.  Dan is just like me in so many ways and loves that we are anything but typical, I wish I had his attitude but he is so strong he carries us both effortlessly.  Thank god I get him for the rest of my life.

I have retreated into my bubble more so these days because I realize that my life appears bazaar and if I stay in my bubble then the whispers, comments and looks can't affect me.  Friends and family have not left me...I left them.  Too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to any of them so I isolate and live in secrecy...in my thoughts they are embarrassed by me.  You can't just change a thought that has become a strong belief and it is easier for me to leave then stand and defend.  I have never been strong or confident in who I am...I was robbed of that luxury.  Mike has become my friend in the darkness and having him hold my hand makes me feel less scared and Dan is well aware of that.  Over the past few weeks even he is relieved that I have someone who can identify with me and not care about the scars.

I barely heard Dan grab a coffee and sit down beside me.  Monday morning therapy was now in session...