New York State of Mind VIIII

I woke startled and scared; I'm not sure why, it must have been a nightmare.  I have a lot of those lately and I wonder if it has anything to do with my desire to let go of my life or at least exchange it for one I am comfortable in.  I guess when you stare at your own demons they fight back...it's so emotionally draining and discouraging.  Karen was still asleep and I think I may have only gotten in about an hour of ago.  I grabbed some Advil and made my way to the washroom to calm down.  I felt a chill either from the hangover or fear from whatever woke me up so I turned on the shower and laid in the bath.  I'm starting to understand why people self medicate and become addicted to street drugs and pain pills.  Laura once told me she was shocked I didn't use anything to escape; how pathetic that I clung to that statement as a way to pat myself on the back.  She is wrong though because I am an addict I just don't use drugs or alcohol; I use anxiety, worry and control to satiate my fears and forget my past while trying to have something that resembles a healthy future.  I've discovered that the more I open up and talk to strangers the more I see myself in them...maybe not myself but definitely my struggles, fears and sadness.  With this comes a comfort I have never really known or been familiar with and I imagine this is why support groups exist and maybe why I am building one as well.  It's strange when I think of how many people out there are just like me or a variation of, that hide and cling to an existence that isn't even real.  If 'normal' is used to describe the majority then I feel more 'normal' each day...and I hate that word because it has destroyed and alienated me in the past.  I'm starting to feel stronger these days and I wonder if it is because I am putting more energy into liking and accepting myself and none into hiding or running from it...playing a character for years does not become natural, it becomes draining and sad.  People will leave me, they will judge, they will whisper, they will laugh, they will be mean and call me names...but they do that now and I am still trying for the acceptance...it's all in my head, I live in there way too much.  People actually don't care and the ones that do make me wonder if my openness causes an uncomfortable feeling in themselves that they have no desire explore.  I can't let the thought of what 'other people' say, think. and do affect me because truth be told, I don't even know if it is real or imagined and it only offers me shame and embarrassment as I try and move on. 

I turned off the water and made my way back to bed.  I have become strong enough to lift myself up and stand up for who I am and what I want...I don't ever want to look back on another chapter of my own life with sadness because I hid who I was so you could be comfortable.  I like who I am and it feels amazing...I hope this is a step in releasing that little girl from her cage.

I grabbed my phone and noticed a couple messages from Mike, "Hey Nat, I booked my trip to Chicago".  Oh yeah...I invited him on my trip.  I'm meeting him for breakfast in a couple of hours and can't wait to see him again.