New York State of Mind XIII

It was barely light out when I finally made it through town and hit the highway.  The past few days were effortless and I enjoyed being home and with my family, perhaps knowing my next leave was already booked helped that along.  Having something to look forward to kept me in the present and I hadn't spent much time lately stressing that my life was passing me by.  I refuse to get lost in my husbands or children's lives; it's not fair to them or myself.  I want more and I want a genuine feeling that I am an individual.

It doesn't feel like it was that long ago that I was making this same drive almost every weekend to visit with Leann and Christian.  Every Saturday at 5 am for the past two years during the football season I jump in my car, drive eight hours, watch my son play football, take him to dinner then turn around and drive right back home.  It is the only time I allow myself these days to get lost in his life and let mine fall away.  When he takes the field I am mesmerized.  He trains like it's his job; his love for the game flows through him and watching him fills me with so much pride and happiness.  For one hour a week I don't think about anything, I just watch him do what he loves and he is absolutely brilliant at it.  I have a sense of relief because he has something that he is passionate about and is all his; maybe he won't have to take the same path my mother and I have been walking for far too long.  I wonder if my daughter will have the same curse and hope she can escape it like her brother.  I remember watching him play in his first year and he was so small and young and could barely play a position.  Every year he went to his coach and asked to play quarterback and for three straight years they turned him down without ever letting him throw the ball once.  He was defeated and so upset by the system that allowed volunteer coaches to play their children first regardless of talent...but he didn't quit or bitch about it he just grabbed his cleats every year and showed up to play.  I have no idea how he did it, all his friends quit the first year and he stayed, he didn't like his teammates and he stayed, he was treated unfairly by coaches and he stayed...that is love.  When he was finally given a chance to try out for quarterback he got it, we joked that it was because he finally had a coach that didn't have a kid on the team but I never missed the chance to reinforce that it was due to hard work.  There is something beautiful when the realization hits you that you did everything you could for your child and not only was it enough but he is taking full advantage of his opportunities...I could learn something from him.  He and I have an incredible relationship and bond, I took an interest in football when he fell in love with it and at times it has acted as our common ground.

It's the first game of the year and the lot is packed, I grabbed my sunflower seeds and walked the hill. CJ and my mother saved me a seat in our schools crowd.  I made a mental note to tell CJ that I am bringing a friend to Chicago.  This is it, the first game of his final year in high school and he gets to take the field as a captain.  My heart fills and everything else slides away...it's kick off...