I Guess I'll Wait II

 Life is great, even in lockdown and teaching grade 3 from home...life is great. I started writing fiction, I feel like I need and want to write but haven't been able to get inspired into a Life During Lockdown book so I ventured over to the other side to let my imagination run free. It's fun, each day I write a few hundred words and slowly build a story hopefully someone else would want to read. 

The light at the end of the pandemic seems to be brightening and I'm hoping for life to return somewhat semi-normally where we can travel and get back to seeing our friends and family...near and far. Dan and I have discussed re-opening our marriage post-pandemic and it's something we intend to do. It's comforting to know I married the person I would want to be on a deserted island with. I was a touch worried when everything shut down and NY was no longer an option. Wondering if I was going to be able to be confined in marriage and life without diving into depression...I flourished in every way possible. Our house collectively became stronger and better versions of who we were. I listened to Dan's new album last night, they keep getting better and better, I'm so proud of him and grateful he can live his passions. 

New York still feels like a life time away but I hope to get back right after my vaccine. I miss Joseph a lot and it hasn't been exactly smooth but I hope there's some place we can find a way back to one another. Until then....I'll be right here teaching grade 3 and writing...

I Guess I'll Wait

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern and as much as I want to break away from it, it feels easier than anything else right now. My daughter continues to learn from home over her computer, Dan and I sold our other house and can finally move on without the neighbours we wish to leave behind. My son is completing his last year of university and lives on his own and I signed a contract for another book; although it's just as a contributing writer in some other woman's book. I've had to work hard to draw inspiration from the world around me and not the busy streets of Manhattan. Jet setting isn't even much of a thought at this point, no matter how many offers they squeeze into my inbox. We adopted a puppy, her name is Zero, she is a beautiful addition to the family with a big personality. 

Perhaps we're most excited to be able to celebrate the holidays at home without the trauma from three years ago. Extra lights, an extra tree and tinsel for as far as the eye can see...it feels like home again. 

Podcast

Back in January I was interviewed for a podcast. Last night they contacted me to say that at the time we recorded they didn't have a spot for my story...so they changed their podcast to expand it to tell my story. Today they released it and I am posting the link so you can check it out.  

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/ep-95-uncomfortable-conversations-open-marriage-breaking/id1405810085?i=1000490900420?i=1000490900420

Monogamy III

We're almost settled in the new house, I love it here. Tree lined backyard with only one neighbor and privacy we had only dreamed of. I'm writing another book and I have a partner...not just any partner either...he has been a best seller for decades. He left a review of "Crazy on the Inside" and sent me a copy of his book, a friendship stuck and a partnership evolved.

Our family has flourished during the pandemic, we have become stronger, closer and more resilient. My daughter lives freely, I never thought I'd see her screeching across the backyard in her barefeet while the dogs chase her. My son is less than a year away from graduating from university and I couldn't be happier for him. His life is about to take off and he has an incredible partner by his side, someone he loves and respects and we are excited for the day we can call her our daughter.

Lately, I've been working through renovations, writing and finding clever ways to travel safely. I haven't seen Joseph in almost five months and although I miss him a great deal I know I'll see him soon enough...even if we have to meet in Ireland.

Monogamy II

Shit is getting out of hand. We decided to pull the plug on the house and put it up for sale...I just cannot live next to these people anymore. Every day I look at the house or pass by the strangers I used to know, I feel sick, I feel stuck and I feel scared. We bought a country estate, we wanted the giant yard and privacy. I want to be able to sit on my back deck and not look into five other backyards, I want to be able to write and create freely and I cannot do that when the house next door haunts me. We close on the house in a couple of days and the day I get the keys for the next house will be my last night in this one...like finally finding my way out of the nightmare. That being said, my house is a sanctuary with the constant music, incense and family time, we've turned into hippies and there's no going back now.

The hardest part about this whole time has been not seeing my mother. She's 78 and there's no way I could even hug her right now. My daughter asks about her every day and we finally found an app where they could text, video chat, and play games together. I'm looking forward to having a big family Christmas for the first time in years.

Monogamy I

Six years ago we opened our marriage to live a fuller life, more experiences for ourselves and each other. We'd found our path, the key to our best life and marriage, life was good and everything seemed to ebb and flow perfectly.

I stopped traveling the middle of January, worried about the virus and terrified to bring it back as an unwelcome gift to my family. Life looks different around my house these days. With the lockdown I am now a teacher, a writer as well as a full time wife and mother...there is no jetting away for a week. I was worried, scared I would feel the walls close back in, scared I would never be able to handle the monotony of life in quarantine...I'm a bird, I have to fly.

As the world started to lock down Dan and I started to work even more closely together, any distance that was created over the six years of being in an open marriage had vanished...if it existed at all. Dan has this ability to make me feel fearless, how could I ever fail with him as my partner? He's confident and quite likely the most intelligent person I know. I look to him for comfort and he pours it over me, over all of us.

Our house has become a deserted island and I am thrilled with my company. We weren't sure how being sentenced to monogamy would affect us and our marriage but we were not expecting the waterfall of love and desire we have for one another to open the flood gates. We honeymoon nightly, movies and dancing, whisky tasting and hours of time in bed late at night and just as the sun comes up.

Sometimes it takes years to see the results of your work and when our results came in all of my anxiety and fear that had been living in my body for years slid away. Opening my marriage didn't weaken it, didn't even hurt it. The world finally slowed down so I could breathe and reflect on my life and my choices. I still chat with Joseph daily and intend to resume the other side of my life when the lockdown lifts, as does Dan. Our marriage has never been so strong, we take pride knowing it stands on its own.

Now What? V

I wish I had a lot to tell you but honestly, I spend all my time marketing my book and volunteering at the school. Dan is getting ready to head to SE Asia for a month and I've decided to stay home for a few months and just enjoy all the work I put into the book...and I do feel really burnt out from airports and security, delays and all that good stuff.

My son finally met a girl, she is absolutely lovely. They remind me of Dan and me and it makes me smile and look back over the last sixteen years...what an incredible journey we have taken and I couldn't love Dan more. I think they are in love and I imagine she will soon be a fixture in my home...one that I am more than happy to have. Isn't that what we all want, our children to be happy and with people they love and that love them?

Now What? IV

I've started booking signings for my book and even scheduled a meet and greet with a book club that chose mine for one of their reads. I still feel exhausted from the writing process and find it difficult to stay motivated on the marketing front. This coming weekend I intend to produce as many social media pages as possible to get the word out. I ordered and received my banner as well as hundreds of bookmarks to hand out at signings and it still takes my breath away when I see my book cover. The process is slow but so was the writing...all in good time.

Now that the holidays have come and gone I'm hoping to start a new routine for myself. A week of traveling with the family to Houston and New Orleans followed by a week with Joseph in Vegas has filled me with inspiration and stories I can hardly wait to tell.

Now What? III

I want to go back to something, something I spoke about a while back regarding my neighbours. I wasn't completely honest about the situation, partly because it feels so surreal and partly because I didn't want to acknowledge what happened Christmas Day, 2017. If I back up a year to New Year's Eve 2016 the eight of us were all in Los Angeles enjoying a family vacation we gifted to ourselves that year for Christmas. Six months after the vacation everything deteriorated between our families to the point of them agreeing to move after the assault on our family took place. It was difficult having to live next door to them but we knew something had changed in their home, we just didn't know what it was. The house became quiet to the point of days going by without a light on or a car in the driveway.

Then Christmas rolled around and things got worse.

It was just after 3 pm when cops rushed through my doors and made my family head to the basement. My neighbour was holding himself hostage in his home with a gun and firing off rounds randomly. We sat in the basement for over eight hours listening to them trying to get him out of the house, he was too far gone. Dan and I finally crawled up two flights of stairs to look out the window and try and see what was going on. The street looked like a ghost town except for one armoured truck, then a SWAT team slowly walks behind what looked like a robot...their going in after him. It was less than 2 full minutes from the time they entered the house to the time he was wheeled out on a stretcher.

We ran down the stairs to the police but they couldn't offer us any information other than he would be taken to a hospital.

I called his wife the next day.

He's on life support waiting for the recipients of his organs. They had issues in their own lives and he refused to move on, I didn't get into it with her, we're not friends anymore and it's none of my business.

She invited us to the hospital to say goodbye one last time before they took him off life support. I held his hand and apologized for cutting all ties. I hugged his family and spoke with his wife. She couldn't bear to even come back to the house and I can't say I blame her, that would be traumatic not just for herself but for their twins as well as my own family.

After failing to sell her house she was forced to move back in and it feels like we will always be stuck in this nightmare together. Initially, I was so mad I was vibrating, and then I thought about her and her children and I can't imagine having no other choice than to step into your own nightmare and be forced to live in it.

They finally took him off of life support on December 28th after 14 people benefitted from his tissue and organs.

We'e decided to move this year, maybe then both families can move on and let the past stay where it belongs.