Finding the Edge VII

I woke on Leann's couch with Mya snuggled in beside me, she's a great dog but I need to move her before I throw up all over her.  I can see the Advil and water on the coffee table but it may as well be in another country because I can't reach it and I'm too weak and scared to move.  I can hear Leann get out of bed and I hope she's in better shape then me, I'd call for her but even blinking hurts.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I'm not twenty anymore, I'm not even thirty.  Leann comes into the living room looking like death warmed over and it hurts to laugh but I just can't stop, "please hand me the water and pills".

Leann crawled in beside Mya and I and steals most of the blankets then cries in my ear that she drank too much; I wish I could stop laughing before it makes me throw up.  I'm starting to feel like one of those middle aged women that are bar stars and trying to reclaim their youth by going out and having a social life...I realize I just described myself perfectly...damn it!   I'm able to justify my actions as different because I don't go clubbing I just go to lounges; that may be the worst thought process ever but I'm hung over and my brain power is running on fumes.  I hope I'm not doing this into my forties but I'd still choose this over groundhog days and throwing up my anxieties as I wait for death.  It's almost 10am and I have to get on the road soon and start my drive home; no doubt it will be the longest drive of my life.  The last things I remember from last night was singing with the whole bar to a jukebox before we piled in Christian's truck and went to the McDonald's drive thru; I imagine eating gluten last night is contributing to my sick stomach today.  I rolled off the couch and attempted a shower...sitting down of course.

I was finally showered, fed, packed and ready to go for the week; I knew I would be back on Friday and somehow it made my time at home more tolerable.  Leann handed me a bottle of water and couldn't push me out the door fast enough so she could get back to bed.  I stopped for a coffee and gas before I hit the highway.  As I was leaving the city limits I could see that Christian had texted me, "drive safe" and I thanked him for a great night.    "Fuck!"  I can see the flashing lights in my rearview mirror and I wonder how long I've been in this medium speed chase; I start to add up the fines in my head as I pull my car over to the side of the road; I wonder if the cop will let me throw up in the ditch while they write up my tickets...

Finding the Edge VI

I pulled up to Leann's in the early evening and I could see her in the field walking her dog, she was stumbling so it was either uneven ground or she was already into the wine...I'm banking on wine.  She came running over to help with my luggage because apparently I need three bags for a two day trip and seven pairs of shoes; although most women and some men will agree that what you wear depends on the places you go and of course the weather.  Mya is always excited to see me and is barking and jumping all over, I tend to feed her whatever she wants and she sleeps with me...when I end up on the floor.

Once we get into the condo Leann pours a glass of wine and hands me a beer, "so who are we dating tonight?"  I give her my best 'I'm so insulted you would even say that' look and can't hold back laughing, I know this will take some convincing because the guy I want to meet has a beard that's half way down his chest and is bald and plays rugby...but he looks like fun and I imagine is quite a bit of trouble.  We've texted a few times and he seems nice and 'normal' and not looking for much other than to meet people.  I decide it's best to just rip off the band aid and show the picture.  She grabs my phone and looks at it intensely, "seriously Nat, we're going out with him?" I realize he looks the exact opposite as Dan and really everyone else I've either met or have dated but I don't care, I see something in him that makes me happy and I want to find out exactly what it is.  "His name is Christian and he's a mechanic in town, or washes tractors, I really have no idea.  He plays rugby and just wants to go out and have fun.  I'll go to the dinner and then we will either pick you up or I will be back alone".  She agrees and I know a small part of her is excited because she is new to town and could use some friends of her own.  We clink our glasses and head out for a smoke...I'm still having trouble in this department but I haven't given up trying.

I arrived at the pub before Christian and found a table, I was a little nervous but had an escape plan so I ordered a beer and waited for him in a corner.  You cannot miss this guy when he enters the room and part of me laughs hoping Leann can recall his features if he kidnaps me because he looks like he could have spent a little time in the pen.  He doesn't say a word when he sits down except to order a beer and I felt like a little girl that was in trouble.  He finally makes eye contact and I think I would feel more comfortable if there was glass between us, but when he speaks he is the sweetest guy...except for Dan of course.  Christian is intelligent, funny, sarcastic and sweet, it threw me off for a minute but I knew there was a reason I needed to meet this man.  Football is our common ground and we bond over dinner discussing our fantasy teams, without ever a discussion we knew we would be great friends and nothing more.  I immediately feel relieved that I am only making friends and I think about Dan, he would really like Christian...I'm clearly losing my mind.  We finished our dinner and ordered more drinks before we step outside for a smoke.  I decided not to have one because even though we are only friends I do not want our first meeting to include me throwing up in the ashtray outside the pub.  He was telling me all about rugby and his family and I couldn't wait to hear more, he is a great guy and I want him in my life.  Christian is someone that actually takes time to be a friend and cares about the people in his life, he loves his family and always gives back, he's a mommas boy and would take in every stray dog if he had the room.  I realized at that point that he is not aware of my situation and part of me is dreading telling him because I don't want him to leave but I have to so I take a deep breath and spill my life.  He just smiles, "whatever works for you guys".  He finished his smoke and we went back in and continued to drink and talk football.

He paid the bill and we walked me to my car, "wanna come out with me and some friends?"  I definitely wanted too, "can we pick up my friend?"  He just nodded, we jumped in his truck and turned up the music, I have no idea what his plans are but I am buckled in and texting Leann to be outside and ready.

Finding the Edge V

I could hear Dan downstairs when I finally woke up, I feel well rested for the first time in a long time.  When I finally reached the kitchen I could see Dan making breakfast and having a coffee, "you're up early".  He turned around and smiled, "that's because I would like to have breakfast with you before you leave for the weekend"...for a split second I forgot my life was different.  I grabbed a coffee and sat at the island, he was making me pancakes.  Dan always looked amazing in the morning, even when he's flipping cakes in a button down and dress pants.

Dan grabbed his coffee and toast and joined me at the island, "how have you been feeling?"  Ugh, just once I wanted to pretend we were 'normal' and not have to talk about this, I wanted to forget that I'm falling apart and feel helpless as I watch myself descend into the darkness.  But, we have to talk and stay connected otherwise everything starts to fall apart and I'm not ready to pay that price...besides Dan is so easy to talk to and I know I'm in a safe place with him emotionally.  "I'm sad and sick, I feel trapped and lonely, I'm anxious and scared, I'm a perfect storm of emotion".  He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him, "you know Natalie it doesn't bother me that you're crazy, it bother's me that I'm helpless in it all...I'm so sorry".  I love that he calls me crazy because it's exactly how I feel and there is no point pretending otherwise or trying to mask it.  Dan has always been one to validate my feelings and I've always seen it as a sign of respect and love.  I'm breaking his heart and all I can do is watch, I can't finish my breakfast and I'm wondering if falling into the depths of depression is better then walking the edge.  "Are you packed?" I just nod, I'm scared that if I attempt to talk I might cry or throw up.  "It's okay Natalie, I promise".  I know he says this to make me feel better but by god I feel like the worst person on earth and as I feel it I know I am going to jump in my car and leave for the weekend.

My addiction is strong but it is the only thing I have right now that makes me feel alive and good.  Dan opens the door to my car and the plank is now a welcomed walk rather than a fear..I'm losing grip and I don't even care...

Finding the Edge IV

I was hoping to sleep better now that I have meetings set up for the next three weeks but I tossed and turned all night.  Dan is sleeping soundly and I hope I didn't disturb him.  I crawled out of bed, grabbed my computer and like every other day in this unbearable cycle, I made a coffee and headed for the couch.  I logged into my profile in the hopes that George would be on, I really want to know his story.  It still amazes me that I get a ridiculous amount of messages from young guys.  I change my profile to state that I don't like Pokemon, COD or weed, I also don't camp or go mudden...delete, delete, delete, delete...

On my second page of messages I can see I have one from George "hi, I'm George care to chat?"  He has no idea how much I actually care to chat with him.  He has no picture and his profile is well written which makes me think he's quite intelligent...but why the mystery?  "Hi George I'm Natalie and I have a few minutes to chat".   I finally convince him to send me a picture to my email because I have this need to match the face with the person I'm talking with.  I'm completely aware that just because he sends a picture does not guarantee it is him, but I believe him...for no good reason.  "So George, what's your story? Why are you here?"  He's really intelligent and funny, he's a dad and..ah hem...a husband.  George is well aware of my situation and knows that I am not looking for anything, oddly enough neither is he.  He is in a rut in his marriage and doesn't know where to turn.  He joined the site just to have something different in his life.  Holy Cow!  George and I have so much in common, except I'm not sneaking around and my marriage isn't hanging by a thread...I hope.  He feels completely disconnected from his wife and can't leave because he has three children but doesn't want to keep watching his years float by.  He says he wants to fix his marriage but I question the authenticity of that statement given the fact that he is spending his morning with me on line and not with his family.  George would be another I'd sign up for my support group...maybe I should host it online within the site, that way people could drop in.  I've lost my mind.  I feel sad for him and her, it sounds like an awful existence that occurs out of habit and not wanting to work on the change.  I picture the lonely nights and silent dinners, barely speaking other than about their children, no touching or laughing, no date nights or love.  It makes me wonder how many other people live like that and use on line dating as an escape.  George won't make the move to meet anyone in person, he simply uses this as a way to have any sort of connection to a woman.  He admits he is passive aggressive in his approach but shuts down whenever he feels rejected, he hasn't had sex in over a year and it has started to take a toll on his own health.  I can't understand why two people would choose to live like that and probably millions of others row that same boat everyday.  I can feel my eyes burn as the tears start to flow...I would let Dan go before I ever stole his life or packed mine in.

Dan comes around the corner, I close the computer and hug him like he's leaving forever rather than for work.  He can see I've been crying, he smiles "how's the support group?" I love this man...

Finding the Edge III

I woke up on the couch this morning, I'm having trouble sleeping again and my appetite has vanished.  John has been texting me a lot lately and it's become the best part of my days...I'm an awful person.  I'm craving my fix and now I don't know if it's the cop or still the on line site.  The Friday night with John was intoxicating to say the least and I can't stop thinking about it or him, but I still want to meet other people which makes me feel a little better.  I log onto my profile to find way too many messages to answer, I can see that John deleted his profile...it makes me smile.

I started to read the profiles of those messaging me and I have no idea what I am even looking for anymore.  I start to delete and block those that want marriage or anything long term...thanks but I already have that.  This is starting to feel like a quest that doesn't have any real direction.  I'm fairly certain after Friday night that I don't need the affair so much as some bad influences that will help me escape into the crazy side...great I've regressed into a teenager that needs to be a little rebellious.  I'm relieved that this is becoming more about me and less about my marriage and Dan.  Okay, it's time to start responding and making plans for the weekend.  John is fun but I doubt I'll see him again if he knows what I really want from him, he'll go to his grave with his demons.   I pick the guy that looks like he's from 'Duck Dynasty', a lawyer and another cop...so sue me, they are so much fun and apparently a lot of trouble.  I make a plan to set up meetings for the next few weekends and make a note to bring Leann along as a great third wheel.  I bypass Robert who is starting to look like the lonely guy at the dance that just blends in with the walls...poor bastard, he's a flounder among sharks.  There's one guy that catches my eye, or rather his profile does.  His name is George and he is perfect for my support group, I favourite him and decide to strike up a conversation another day.

I feel my plan is coming into light, basically I'm going to meet crazy people and see what happens...sounds like a good idea for a 35 year old woman going through a crisis...what the hell is wrong with me?  I never want to say it out loud but I know part of my problem is letting go of the past and moving into the next stage of my life.  I'm holding on for dear life as I watch the years pass and wonder how long the darkness will stay and how many more years it will steal from me.  Trauma is a mean bitch cause she never really goes away and fucks with your life at the least convenient times...happiness has no place here it's been replaced with anxiety, guilt and discontent...

Finding the Edge II

I got home late last night and decided to wait until this morning to speak with Dan about John.  I woke earlier then him, I grabbed my computer and headed for the couch.  I hadn't checked my messages all weekend and was a little excited to see who had messaged me.  There were a couple dozen people that said hi and want to know my name but nothing spectacular and I may have answered three or four...seriously if your cover picture is you in sweats double fisting beers then feel free to move on.  I can't understand why people post pictures of themselves looking as awful as possible, if you're not going to try with at least a decent picture it makes me think you won't try anywhere else...delete, delete, delete, delete....

Dan came down in time for breakfast and looked as handsome as ever, I could stare at him all day long.  He grabbed us some coffee, sat down beside me and threw me the wink I love so much.  "So how was the big date?"  I put my toast down and tried my best not to laugh...or cry, it all feels the same lately.  I told him all about the cop car, club house, arguing and drinks.  "Wow Natalie that seems a bit crazy".  He was right and that's why I loved it so much, it was insane to think that all happened and I felt bad hoping it would happen again.  "Dan I want to see him again, we share something and it makes me feel better".  Even as I said it my heart ached for Dan because I know it's the one thing he will never share with me...I silently thank God for that.  He looks over and smiles at me, I know it's more for my benefit than his.  "It's okay Natalie I just want you to find that light again".  He has no idea how much I am struggling inside to feel emotionally stable, it feels like a roller coaster and every time I think it's done it starts right back up...this is hell.  I don't know how I became so lost and I can feel myself sliding off the rails but I don't want to stop because the insanity takes away the pain and I just can't handle the sadness anymore.

Dan and I cleaned the table and he grabbed his computer to leave for work.  I know he is hurting because he can't help me...but neither can I.  I sat on the couch and cried until she woke...

Finding the Edge I

I finally crawled out of bed around noon and could hear CJ in the living room talking on his phone.  By the time I got out there he had hung up, "you look like shit, did the cop finally show?" I didn't even know where to start because thinking back it was almost surreal.  "We got drunk, went joy riding in the cop car, played with guns and then I almost ran him over when we got into an argument in a parking lot".  Even as I said it I wasn't sure I completely believed it and had to think back to how many vodka's I had.  "That's some first date, you going to see him again?"  It made my heart sink at the thought of not seeing him again; I liked his fearlessness and the way he could push my buttons.  He's dark and I want to know why, it amazes me that he can flip a switch and change so quickly...I want that.

John brought back a side of me that I hid for years, he seemed to really like my feisty side and enjoyed winding me up.  I imagine with his job he lives his life close to the edge and needs it now in all corners of his life just to get by; I find it highly intoxicating and addictive.  I know what I'm attracted too and I know he is not giving it up easily, I bet he's never laid on his bathroom floor crying and throwing up...I want to know his secret.  I giggled to myself thinking about him in my support group; Robocop is clearly not an open book and it makes me smile thinking about him trying to remember the exact words to describe his feelings.  It makes me wonder, would my support group be for them...or me?  Dan knows I have trauma and that I refuse to share it with him, I don't want to add my cancer to him...I keep it hidden in the dark.  I've never spotted darkness in someone else and yet with John I could feel it; I'm scared I'll never see him again and the loneliness will return.

I decided to head back home early because I felt this is something I should tell Dan about...my heart ached for him.  How was I ever going to tell him that I met someone that I like spending time with and hope I get to see him again, and often.

Summer of Natalie XXII

I finally got to CJ's as the sun was coming up and I could hardly wait to crawl into bed.  I felt drained in every possible way.  I managed to get settled in the spare room with minimal noise, plugged in my phone and went to brush my teeth.  When I got back to my room I could see a message on my phone, "Hey Irish, hope you made it home okay".  I was far too irritated to deal with this cop anymore tonight and just wanted to be alone so I turned off my phone and threw it on the floor.

John and I seemed to get along fine when we were texting and even at the beginning of the date.  We always had a great rapport and he loved to tease me to the point where he'd wind me up just to listen to me spin.  He brought out the feisty side of me and I knew he liked it because he would laugh when I'd playfully tell him off.  John may be the only person that really knows that side of me and actually likes it, in fact I know he goes out of his way just to push those buttons.  Feisty, irrational, uncontrollable Natalie hasn't been around in a very long time...I miss her, and I love her, she makes me feel crazy and free.  John had this way of making me feel like I was on fire and constantly riding an emotional roller coaster.  His best defence was clearly his switch and I didn't have one.  I wonder if he likes to see my emotions because it's better than feeling his own.

I have two thoughts, either delete him completely and avoid all the chaos or bring back feisty Natalie and play the game.  I grabbed my phone and turned it on, "Fuck you cop".  I have to admit, I'm a little excited to see the relationship of Emotional versus Emotionless.

Summer of Natalie XXI

John armed the alarm and we walked back to the car, he opened my door and we drove back to the parking lot.  I knew I was okay to drive but I wasn't about to tell him that, I didn't want our time to end yet.  We sat in silence for a while, I had so many questions but knew his walls were too high and they were not coming down anytime soon.  He finally broke the silence, "Natalie why do you want an open marriage?" It startled me because he always calls me Irish, does Robocop want to have a heart to heart?  "I guess because I'm not the same person I was when I got married and there seems to be a routine that haunts me".  I looked over and can see his head is down and he's picking at the steering wheel, "I wonder if my marriage would have lasted if we opened it".  I felt so sad for him, his career clearly gave him the switch to disconnect...even from the woman he loves.  John would be perfect for my support group, if only he could open up and just feel.

John looked at me and I could see the light in his eyes, and it made me smile.  "Have you dated much?"  I just shook my head and thought I'd spare him the episode of Jay and Leann getting drunk.  "There was a guy I had dinner with but nothing special".  I told him we met on the same site but he was a pilot from out of town that was visiting for a few days.  "So you drove all the way down here for dinner".  To be honest I wouldn't have thought that was bazaar since I knew I drove down this evening just for a drink.  "No, we met on the site and he flew in from Chicago".  The switch was flipped and cop was back, he looked almost irritated.  I could hear him say something under his breath but couldn't make it out.  "John do you have something to say?" He glared at me, "you can probably drive now" and handed me my keys.  I was confused, I have no idea what happened.  "Is everything okay? You seem upset".  He jumped out of the car and came to open my door.  I stepped out of the car and my own irritation started to grow and I could feel the tension but had no idea why it existed.  "John did I say something wrong?"  He wouldn't even look at me "nope, good night".   I threw my purse in the car, and turned around ready to have it out.  He stood there looking at me and I was on fire, he could see the anger all over my face.  "If you have something to say cop you better spit it out".  I could see a grin form on his face and it made me madder...was this intentional?  Was he jealous of the pilot?  That only pissed me off even more because now I felt like I was baited into answering his interrogation only to have it thrown back at me.  "John I will not become a liar to suit you.  If you want to know something about me then I will tell you but you better stop and think if you really want to know the answer".  He looked up and smiled, "get in your car Irish".  This was intentional but why?  Why not just shake my hand, thank me for the date, tell me you're not interested and part ways?  Why be a jerk?

I jumped in my car and slammed the door.  I felt sick because I didn't know if I was ever going to see him again and I didn't even know if I wanted to.  Everything went sideways and I had no answers and worse, I had a cop that refused to answer any questions...especially when it came to how he was feeling.  How convenient to have an internal switch where you can be close to your son and a robot with everyone else, I almost envied him if I didn't feel so much anger towards him.  I backed out and and left him standing in the parking lot...I almost ran him over but I didn't even care at that point.  

I must have made a wrong turn when I left because I found myself on a gravel road in the middle of the night.  The tears started pouring out of my eyes uncontrollably and I had to get out of my car to throw up.

Summer of Natalie XX

I probably should have been at least a bit nervous or scared that this cop threw me in my car and drove away to god knows where...but to be honest he could have told me we were going to Narnia and I would have smiled and went along.  We pulled into an almost vacant parking lot, only one other car was there and we parked right beside it.  John opened my door and helped me out, he took my hand and led me to the other car...a police car.  I burst out laughing, "nice ride cop".  He threw me the keys, "you can drive".  Either this guy is the worst cop ever or this is the craziest date I've ever been on.   I handed him back the keys and jumped in the passenger side...I could feel him laughing at me.  "So are we going around to arrest people or what?"  He looked at me with a sneaky glare in his eyes, "I want to show you something"...I bet you do...

We pulled up to a giant warehouse that seemed almost isolated but it was in the middle of the night and I was still a bit intoxicated so I wasn't completely sure.  John could see the hesitation in my face and perhaps a little fear because he's being vague and we both know it's intentional.  I didn't even bother to ask what the building was because this was something he wanted me to see for myself.  When we walked through the doors he unarmed the alarm while I stood there in shock.  This was the club house his team worked out of, there were the suburbans they drive, all the guns, change rooms and lockers.  I could feel John standing behind me and I'm sure he could feel me shake.  "Irish you may be the only woman to ever walk through those doors".  I felt a little guilty enjoying that, like I'm fifteen again and dating the popular guy.  I followed him into the gun room where he proceeded to educate me on the different kinds and what they are meant for and blah blah blah..."ever shoot anyone?" He looked at me and I could see it in his eyes again, they were dark "Irish I don't discuss that with anyone other than my team.  Not even my family".  I tried my best to drum up a good argument as to why he should tell me but he wasn't budging and I could see that this was becoming futile so I moved on.   I did my best not to pout but it comes naturally with alcohol.  John walked over and smiled at me, the light was back, "Irish I'm not a typical cop and when we shoot it's not to injure, I don't want you to know that about me".  Damn it! He is not going to let me see his darkness and I don't know how he is able to move from dark to light...it's like he has a switch that moves him from robot to person.  I've become obsessed with this man and what he is hiding.  I would bet good money that the only people he trusts are the eleven other men on his team and that whiskey is his best friend.

As I stand in the middle of the club house I wonder if John can see my darkness and knows that I am broken, I wonder why I am the one he brought here...maybe it was all a lie...sweet jesus don't let me throw up...

Summer of Natalie XVIIII

The pub was not a typical place I would hang out in but cops are weird.  I could hear the saddest music playing on the radio, I seen two women drinking at a table in the middle and the bartender behind the bar...no John.  I immediately felt sick and almost relieved that if I started throwing up no one would really notice.  I was so angry I could feel my skin get hot and far too pissed off to cry.  I thought about having a shot but feared what was left behind on the glasses from other patrons and decided to freshen up and head back out.  I texted CJ to advise that I would be at his house sooner than expected and told him about the asshole I drove eight hours for and how I was currently standing in the bathroom trying my best not to cry or puke because he didn't bother to show up.  I couldn't understand how I could feel so connected to someone who clearly didn't even care to see me.  I freshened my gloss, straightened my jacket and choked back tears, I had to walk clear across that bar to leave and that felt like the true walk of shame.  

When I turned the corner I could see him standing there and I couldn't help but smile and now I had to fight back tears of excitement.  He looked exactly like his pictures, well almost, this was the first time I had ever seen him smile.  Something was a bit off, we never said a word and both walked over to a booth and sat down.  It wasn't like I was expecting him to run to me or anything but we we're almost stand offish, there was a lot of caution on both sides and I wondered why.  After we ordered our drinks fear set in because I know we have very little in common other than our careers and I don't really want to spend the night talking about criminals.  John's a handsome guy but not classically good looking or beautiful, he's rugged and tough.  He's only about an inch taller than me with a receding hair line and has a crooked smile.  Now I was completely confused because I wasn't drawn to him sexually and we didn't have anything to talk about...so what is it?  What is causing me to move towards him?  He talked a little about his family.  He married far too young and joined the force shortly after, they had a son a few years after they were married and like too many other cops was now going through a divorce.  They moved back to the city they grew up in so they could have the support of their families while they went through this tough time.  He talked about how they bought a house so they could raise their son together and both play equal roles in his life.  John's work is highly demanding as he is always on call and at times will go weeks without seeing his family, he said it was best this way so that when he was at home he had access to him without setting up appointments with his ex.  He loves his ex-wife but no longer feels in love, he still wants to be part of her life and be a team in raising their child.  My mind starts to wonder about my own marriage and if Dan and I would do that.  I almost feel relieved thinking that if my marriage turned out like John's it wouldn't be all that bad.  

It occurred to me that John just moved back a couple months ago, I wanted to know how long the divorce was in the works.  "It's been over for a long time but we just recently agreed to go through with legally ending it".  Was this guy even ready to date?  And what the hell was drawing me to him, it was driving me crazy like I was in an intense game of 'Where's Waldo'.  I could feel him staring at me and it was a little unnerving but I went ahead and made eye contact.  He reached across the table and held my hands, "Irish I am not ready for anything but friendship because I have to sort out my own shit".  I smiled because this man is amazing to me, but I didn't know this information till a few minutes ago...so what is it?  And there it was, it made me catch my breath and I honestly thought for a second I was going to hit the floor.  When he looked at me I could see it in his eyes and I wondered if he could see it in mine.  He broke eye contact quickly and finished his beer.  Did he catch me?  John has demons, his darkness runs deep.  I found myself wondering if his were through experience or witnessing as I'm sure many cops have darkness just from being on the job.  

John finished his second beer and my vodka, paid the bill and led me outside.  "John I couldn't possibly drive right now", he laughed at me "you're not driving, I am".  He grabbed my keys and opened my door to help me in.  "Where are we going?"  

Summer of Natalie XVIII

I jumped in my car, drove through town and hit the highway.  I have no idea what I expected or wanted from John, I was so confused like my emotions were playing a mean trick on me.  The more I thought of Dan the more I cried...I had to put him out of my head because I was slowly driving myself crazy with guilt which turned to anxiety.  I had become an emotional mess that would unravel throughout the day, I couldn't eat, sleep or focus on anything.  I longed for the days where I was numb and emotionally bankrupt.

I wanted the eight hour drive to last forever, as much as I wanted to see John and find out my attraction I was terrified.  Even though I was always open and honest with Dan I still felt like I was crossing boundaries, the guilt had become my own personal hell.  Part of me hoped that meeting him would extinguish any emotion and I'd be brought back to reality, I wanted this to be something of a fantasy that came to an end...I wanted to be released from the darkness and go back to when there was no one else on earth but Dan.  Those days were over now and there was no going back, there are lines that when crossed over you can never cross back...I changed the course of my marriage and life forever and it scared me.  It was like taking all of my security and throwing it away and trusting myself...the very same person who had no emotional control.  I'm embarrassed because trusting myself felt the same as trusting a stranger and that is a sad reality at thirty five years old.  I desperately needed to have a logical thought of what was going on with me, I felt pulled in too many directions and I was exhausted living this way.  I was becoming annoyed with myself and angry that I kept pushing the limits and walking closer to the edge...why not just delete the profile and John?  It made me physically sick to think of going back to just being a wife and mother and the alternative was constantly feeling anxious and guilty for wanting more.  The lonely feelings were the worst, I wondered if others felt like me and if so what did they do, how did they fix it?  Maybe I needed my own support group.  How can I love my husband so much and want to have an open marriage?  It was exactly like an addiction, having the feelings that it's wrong and at the same time aching for the high.

I pulled up to the pub...this was it, this was the proving ground and I didn't know if I wanted to throw up or cry but either way I was walking through those doors and I knew he was already there.  I took a deep breath, wiped my tears, said my mantra, closed my eyes and walked in...

Summer of Natalie XVII

I laid awake most of the night trying to play out the various scenarios of how my meeting with John would go, I wasn't even sure what a good scenario would look like.  I could feel Dan sleeping beside me and it made me sick that my own feelings were betraying me.  I started to wonder how he felt about everything I was going through, I honestly didn't know if I could be as supportive as him.  The more he supported me the worse I felt and would almost feel better if he just shook me and told me to stop...but he would never do that.  I wanted to feel normal but to be honest I have no real idea what normal is and I always hated the label because it made me feel guilty for being so different.

I climbed out of bed to shower and pack for the weekend, I felt weak and nauseous but managed to avoid a morning session of dry heaving.  I met Dan downstairs for coffee and toast, and my morning dose of guilt.  He looked amazing and flashed me his best smile.  This man is truly the most beautiful person and husband, how was he so calm, collected and cool...never shaken or worried.  It almost made no sense to me, I was becoming an emotional train wreck and he was holding everything together.  I had to keep telling myself that I may not be able to control my feelings but I can control how I act, I just had to keep being honest and hope that this was my issue and not ours.  I think I zoned out for a minute, Dan was in mid sentence when I snapped back and had no idea what he was talking about or for how long...I'll just add ignoring him to the guilt pile.

Dan cleaned up our dishes and walked me to the door.  He handed me my bag, kissed my nose and opened it...I took a deep breath, swallowed my coffee for the second time and walked the plank.

Summer of Natalie XVI

I barely slept last night, the flight was awful and John was still MIA.  I got up and grabbed my computer and made my way downstairs, I made some coffee and curled up on the couch.  I was hoping that maybe he lost his phone and left me a message on my profile...27 messages and none from him.  I started to read and answer the messages as a way to stop my mind from cycling through my thoughts, they were starting to make me sick.

I started to think about what I was going to tell Dan, I knew it was going to be the truth but it's difficult to know what that is when I feel so lost and confused.  This was starting to be a tad ridiculous considering I've never met John and the reality was setting in that I may never meet him.  I was terrified my marriage was over emotionally since I so easily connected with John.  I could hear Dan getting ready for work and panic started to set in, how was I ever going to tell him this...and how could I not?  I made him some breakfast and tried my best to keep my coffee down.

Dan could see the fear and stress in my face as soon as we sat down to breakfast, once the tears started rolling off my cheeks there was no question.  "You okay?" All I could do is sob and shake my head.  I could feel the coffee rise in my throat and I was scared to start talking incase I threw up. Dan came and sat beside me, held my hand and smiled...yeah he's that amazing.  "You know Natalie, it's going to be okay".  I think I may have knew that but I could barely string together a coherent thought and my mind was cycling through everything I had to tell him like it was rehearsed.  I just took a breath and remembered that if I'm honest then he can decide what he wants to do...but if I lie then I'm holding him here and he wouldn't even know it.  How did this happen, Dan is everything to me...dear God please let this just be a crisis in me and not in 'us'.  I'm so embarrassed and ashamed, I couldn't even look at him when I finally began to throw up everything I was thinking and feeling.  I could feel him squeeze my hand which only made me feel worse.  He held me while I soaked his shirt in tears, he didn't deserve this...and I didn't deserve him.  I needed to find out what was happening to me because I felt crazy and panicked, I wanted to figure out what the fuck my problem was.  Dan kissed me, told me he loved me and left for work, I wanted to curl up and cry the day away.

I seen a message on my phone, "Hey Irish, I was called out and wasn't able to contact you.  Hope you had a good trip.  If you're in town this weekend we should have a drink".  I can't explain if I felt better or worse...but what I did know was that I was going to make the trip just for the drink.  I have to know my connection to this stranger

Summer of Natalie XV

New York never disappoints.  It was a great vacation with two of my best friends...and John.  I managed to keep the other two busy so I could shop on the upper west side and walk through the park while sharing my day with him.  I started to ignore the voice that kept reminding that John and I had nothing in common and that he might not even be real.

We decided that a cab was a better option back to the airport as it allowed us more time in the city compared to a shuttle.  I watched Karen negotiate a price with a cabbie and instantly felt bad for him.  She's a firm believer that being a bitch means no one takes advantage of you, I don't share that belief but it's always good for cheap entertainment.  We got to LaGuardia with about an hour to spare and it may be the last airport in the free world without shopping.  They had lunch and I took the time to charge my phone and connect with John.  I still hadn't heard from him since last night and started to wonder why, it made me nervous because my thoughts went right back to him not being real.  I knew I was crossing boundaries and possibly walking too close to the edge when it came to him.  I felt like an addict; knowing it was wrong and still wanting it and nurturing it...I should have walked away but I just couldn't, it made me physically sick to even think about it.  I started to feel embarrassed about my thoughts and behaviour, I couldn't think straight long enough to figure out why I cared.  The worst part was having to tell Dan, as bad as I knew it was I couldn't add lying to my husband to the guilt pile I was building at record speed.

They started boarding our plane and I felt sick that I was going to have to turn my phone off.  I gathered my things and found my seat next to Karen.  I turned my phone off, it was time for me to touch reality and get a hold of myself.  I said my mantra and closed my eyes, this was going to be the longest flight of my life...

Summer of Natalie XIIII

I woke around 4am to Karen snoring straight into my face, I was quite hungover and thought for a split second about putting a pillow over her face.  I laid there for what felt like an eternity before I was able to get out of bed, grab the Advil and head to the washroom for water.  I thought about throwing up but didn't have the strength and remembered I just swallowed my pills so I went back to crawl into bed.  My phone was lit up like a christmas tree and it made my brain hurt to even look at the light but I wanted to read the messages in case it was from Dan or my son.

There was a few texts about work, family and the standard 'have fun on your trip', and two from John.   "Hey Irish how's New york?" and "I think we have cell coverage here".  Ok, so how I wanted to feel was a little different than how I actually felt and I wanted to turn off my phone and pretend I never seen it instead of texting back "that's great, how is training?".  What is wrong with me?  Even I was annoyed that I couldn't just get control of myself when it came to the cop.  He made me feel excited and I was happy he had coverage, to be honest I felt a little upset when I thought we wouldn't have contact for a few days.  I knew I needed distance from him to sort through my emotions but that was not going to happen today and probably not tomorrow either.  Karen rolled over and looked annoyed at me for texting and because the light on my phone was too bright.  I really didn't care and if my phone had a brighter setting I would have used it to piss her off, the only reason I was even up is because of her.  I vaguely remember smoking cigars in Times Square and practicing our best  New York accents, I'm fairly certain it was highly offensive.

I could hardly wait to get a coffee and stroll through Central Park.  Karen and Joann were trying to figure out what they wanted to see today...there was no way I was site seeing again.  I've seen the Statue of Liberty more times than any other tourist and had no desire to keep that streak going.  When we finally sat down to eat breakfast I took the opportunity and told them to spend the day site seeing and shopping and taking in the city.  I'm an awful person, I wanted them gone for the day so I could spend my time talking with John in may favourite city...but I wasn't going to tell them that.  If I told myself enough times that it was all harmless would I finally start to believe it?

Summer of Natalie XIII

We finally located all of our luggage and jumped in a cab only to sit in rush hour traffic for two hours.  With a friend on each side of me I knew I wouldn't be able to text John or Dan so I decided to make small talk and think about my options and wants. It was easy to get swept up in the excitement of it all but wasn't necessarily a good thing, I've acted hastily before and it didn't turn out well. I remember leaving my first husband in a whirlwind and once my feet touched the ground and my head was out of the clouds guilt hit me hard, and for a very long time. I didn't want to do that again, not to another man that loved me and treated me beautifully. I was older and wiser now. I had a better head on my shoulders, I was not going to let some cop turn my life upside down...I hoped.

I was quickly snapped out of my thoughts when I could hear Karen arguing with the cab driver about the cost of the fare.  It's her first time in NYC and had no idea how much the cab should be, she just assumes everyone is out to take advantage of her.  I decided to step in and rescue the poor cab driver who was now arguing over the amount of the tip she left him, I didn't feel like meeting New York's finest this early into my vacation.  Karen gave me the look of death for siding with the cabbie, there was no point in explaining anything to her at this time...I'll wait till I could throw some cheesecake and wine at her.  We checked into the hotel and threw our bags in the room, it was time to hit the Big Apple and I could hardly wait to lose myself in the city. Manhattan always felt like home to me, like I was born and living in the wrong place...location identity crisis?  I fell inlove with  the city years ago when Leann and I drove across the continent to see it, what can I say..the heart wants what the heart wants.

I no longer felt the desire to call Dan or text John, I turned my phone off and grabbed my purse.  I had a whole weekend of friends, food, drinks, shows, shopping and my love...Manhattan

Summer of Natalie XII

Thirty seven thousand feet in the air, racing through the friendly skies and I am trying my best to keep my breakfast down.  I took out my phone and read our conversation again, and again, and...again.  I knew we were becoming good friends but how could I seriously consider going away with someone I never even laid eyes on.  I mean this person may not even exist, maybe this is someone just messing with me, it is on line after all, it's not that far of a leap for that to happen.  I looked over to see the flight attendant with the beverage cart, I wondered if they served alcohol this early in the day.  I decided on a coffee and water and found a movie to pass the longest four hours of my life.

The movie was doing very little to keep my attention and I found myself wondering, no hoping that John was real.  It made me almost sick to think that this was all a joke and I was the punch line...how could people be so mean?  It occurred to me that none of this should matter since I am happily married and not looking to change that...but it did matter and I could feel it.  What the hell is going on with me?  I try to go back through the last few months of my life and wonder how I got to a place where I cared about someone I never met.  Maybe this was exactly what a mid life crisis looked like, bored with how my life was a routine, lack of passion in the marriage, days running together, it all made sense.  I looked beside me to find my best friend snoring quite loudly, I wished it was Dan, he always knew what to say.  I wanted to call him immediately and tell him everything, he is my best friend and would calm me down and walk through all my emotions and make me feel better...seriously, this is my husband...I'm an awful person.

I took the rest of the flight to gather and sort my thoughts so I didn't feel so lost and confused by everything that was happening.  I hated the feelings I was having about my life, my beautiful life.  I keep trying to understand why I need and want more and how others around me seem to be completely happy in their own lives.  I secretly hoped it was all a charade and they felt trapped by their own routine and wanted to break free...but I knew that was too good to be true.  I think a lot of people are okay accepting some of the routine because the happiness outweighs everything else.  I just hated the thought of existing rather than living and I wondered if I truly loved my life or if I had just heard people tell me so often how great it was that I started to believe it.  How can my life be amazing when I feel vacant inside...what's missing?  I love and adore my husband and children, it's the routine and lack of excitement I can no longer live with.

I feel our plane touch down and I grab my phone and turn in on.  I want to call Dan right away but I also want to respond to John.

Summer of Natalie XI

I barely slept last night which is typically the case the night before I fly out.  My type A was in full form this morning and I had everyone at the airport and through security and customs two hours before take off.  My friends would have preferred to sleep the extra hour but I tend to get anxious before I fly, buying coffee and breakfast usually gets me a smile and forgiveness.  Besides, it's better to nap at your gate then be in full panic mode while trying to make your way through security, it makes me smile and think of CJ.

Since we had a couple hours before we left and had already had something to eat I took this opportunity to sneak away to answer some texts and start my day with John.  He was running errands and doing all his physicals and address changes since he finally had a free day and work demanded it.   He was ready to leave on his training exercise later today and reminded me that he wouldn't have any service to text.  I was relieved cause I wanted the next few days to enjoy the city and be around my close friends...but I had a sick feeling and I knew it was because I would miss our chats, I hate me.  Our relationship was different than what I was expecting, although I cannot for the life of me remember what I was expecting.  John was funny and sweet but never inappropriate, he never spoke of sex or an affair; we were friends.  He was respectful and considerate towards me and was becoming someone I really wanted to meet and if I'm being honest with myself...possibly an affair.

This was the first time that it ever crossed my mind that there could be trouble in my marriage.  Maybe this wasn't a crisis I was going through on my own, maybe I was bored with the lack of passion in my eight year marriage and wanted to break free.  I knew there was another reason but couldn't even attempt to think about it for fear the darkness would return, I decided divorce was a better path then the darkness.  I made a mental note to talk with Dan as soon as I got home...I wondered and almost hoped he felt the same, but either way I knew he would understand and help me through it.  Dan never made me feel bad for my choices and at times would validate and support them, he was perfect...luckily guilt had become a close friend of mine and I was able to slightly ignore it.

John was getting ready to go into his exam and I had to get back to the gate to board the plane, we said our good byes and agreed to touch base in a few days when were both home.  I got to the gate just in time to slide in beside my friends.  When we finally got settled on the plane I grabbed my phone to turn it off  and noticed a text from John, 'Hey Irish, you wanna come to Ottawa with me?  I have a training exercise and could use the company'...

Summer of Natalie X

The week seemed to be flying by and I barely even noticed.  My days were filled with reports, legos and John.  He had become a large part of my days and even nights, texting until the early hours of the morning when he finally got off work.  I was a bit relieved that I was heading to New York in a couple days and he would be in a training exercise, I had some guilt about the amount of time I was giving him and wanted some distance.

John and I had spent the past few days getting to know each other and exchanging pictures.  I would wake to a 'good morning' text and never went to bed without saying 'good night', it had become routine.  I knew early on that what I had with John was different from anyone else I had met or talked to on the site.  I remember telling myself that it was nothing special and only the excitement of a new friendship; we shared the same sense of humour, enjoyed chatting with each other and were in similar places in our lives...it was a great match.  John was quickly becoming my new drug of choice.  I still checked my profile but didn't really have much interest in talking with anyone else and I noticed that he deleted his profile completely...it made me smile.  I knew it was wrong, I could feel it was wrong...I didn't care.  I was so tired of living a life that was so routine it made me physically sick, made me literally throw up and cry my days away.  I had no idea why I was connecting to someone I had never met, there was no reasonable explanation that I could think of.  I mean it's not like I was missing anything from my marriage and I could very honestly say I love Dan and that hasn't changed, I still want to be married to him.  I decide that this is all in my head, it's just new and exciting and I'm using it to shake up my routine life.  Fuck! is there anything that could possibly make me feel like a worse partner and mother...I'm just going to use this guy as a way to pretend my life isn't boring...gross!!

After a little pep talk I decide that I will use my trip to put distance between John and I.  I am fairly sure that we are just bonding over a similar time in our lives but I really don't want to gamble with my marriage.  It feels like we are addicts that have come to depend on each other for support, it's an unspoken understanding and bond we have built...holy cow...am I in an affair with someone I've never met?

Summer of Natalie VIIII

I woke to find a text from Jay apologizing for the night before.  I assured him it was okay and that Leann and I both enjoyed meeting him; I felt a little sadness for him as he struggled to move on from a life he loved.  I brought Leann some water and Advil before I started packing up my things, I hoped it would help her feel better and we could get something to eat before I left.  I found her half dressed sleeping in the closet with her dog, I helped her to the bed and decided I would just run out and grab coffee and food and come back. 


While I was waiting for Leann to wake I checked my profile, cop, cop, cop, cop, I am seriously amazed by the amount of police on this site.  I finally give in and decided to entertain a conversation with one.  His name is John, he recently moved provinces, is going through a divorce, has a son and is still living with his soon to be ex wife.  As I'm taking in all of this information it makes me think of the men I have already talked to and met...it's all relatively the same story and it is starting to look like my support group may fill up fast.  We discuss family, jobs, likes and dislikes; we have so little in common this seems like a waste of time for both of us; but what the hell, we exchange numbers so we can text if we want to continue talking.  He seems pretty normal and just looking to meet people in his new city and possibly have a relationship if the opportunity arises; although I imagine living with your ex-spouse may be a turn off for women looking to get married or have a relationship.  He has a great sense of humor and I like chatting with him, it's easy and effortless like we are instantly friends.  He's working today and I am gathering my things to leave, we agree to stay in contact and possibly have a drink next time I'm in town...I might leave Leann behind for this one. 


I went back in to see if Leann was any better or awake...she was not.  I left her a note and headed to my car.  I was happy to be alone with my thoughts for the eight hour trip home.  I decided that I really enjoyed meeting people and found that we are not all that different and just because I'm not single doesn't mean we don't share many of the same struggles.  I actually enjoy the on line site and made a note to talk to more people and meet more people. I was interested in knowing about them and hearing their stories, I had no desire to make it anything more then that.  I thought about my own story, poor Natalie found her soul mate, lives a beautiful life and has two beautiful children...the whole world cries for me.  I start to feel guilty again, but I won't tolerate or entertain it.  This is not about guilt, it has become my journey to find what I am missing and long for.  I need to find my edge and then live it...but how do I even start to look for it?


I look over and see my phone is lit up, it's a text from the cop...

Summer of Natalie VIII

Dinner was great and I was a little tipsy when we arrived at the pub.  I was able to strike a deal with Leann where I could drink over dinner and then she could drink the rest of the evening, I wanted to be somewhat relaxed when I met Jay.  Leann hands me the keys after we park and asks me to give her a few minutes before I follow her into the pub, I know it's because she wants a front row seat to watch how this all unfolds.  I took a deep breath, said my mantra and walked inside.

I could see Leann sitting at the bar talking to those around her and out of my peripheral vision I can see someone waving intensely at me and standing at their table, I just smile as we make eye contact and make my way over.  So far so good, all his pictures were completely up to date and he seems to be really nice.  I can tell he's a little nervous, in the first ten minutes I have learned that he has four children, going through a divorce with the only woman he has ever been with, he is ridiculously rich from farming and inheritances and is stuck trying to find anything that makes him happy outside of his children.  I'm most interested in discussing the latter, maybe it's because I'm currently rowing that same boat.  Jay starts to talk about his wife in great detail and I can see the hurt all over him; he clearly wants to talk about this so I order a beer and settle in; by this time he is on his second beer and I've seen him down two shots.  He told me about how they met in junior high and he loved her from the start, they were joined at the hip since the first day.  They were married as soon as they were eighteen and started having children immediately.  Twenty years later he's just as in love and she left him after being diagnosed with a mental illness...we each take a shot.  My heart starts to break for this man who feels forced to get back into the dating world because the only woman he loves is sick and no longer wants to be married.  It makes me think of Robert and of how many others feel forced in life; I know Dan was kidding about starting a support group but at this point I'm seriously entertaining the idea.  Jay orders another beer and takes two more shots, I look over and see Leann has made the people at the bar her new friends.  My initial thought is how can I leave quickly if she is not willing to go...perhaps I need to reevaluate my escape plans.  Jay has ordered more shots and beer and I start to plan my exit.  He's a great guy but I have no idea what type of person he is when he's intoxicated and I don't want to find out tonight, maybe I'll save that surprise for the second or third date.

Leann joins us at the table and did her best to look like she just spotted me and didn't arrive with me; luckily he's drunk and doesn't appear to care..they each do a shot.  I introduced them then made my way to the washroom for a small intermission and smoke if I can find one.  I take the time to do a reality check, I'm doing this to meet people and have fun not to actually date.  By the time I get back to the table Jay is crying in his empty glasses and Leann is ordering more shots.  I can only assume she just sat through the same tragic love story I just did.  I have to laugh, this is amazing and I wonder how many people actually take the time to just enjoy stuff like this.  Jay is well aware that I am not meeting to start any type of intimate relationship and said himself that he would like to meet people and have friends, on line dating totally works...assuming you want to meet friends and not your husband.  Truth be told this could be a tedious and draining process if I was looking for Mr. Right, but I'm not and I can't wait to meet others.  We hung out for an hour before I put Jay in a cab and Leann in my car, it was not as easy as that just sounded.

After hitting up the drive through and having a night cap I crawled into bed and was a little happy to be alone with my thoughts.  I thought about the people that I had talked to and met over the dating site and I wondered how many just genuinely wanted to meet people and not hook up, maybe just friends to hang out with.  It made me think about the people that were forced to start a new life and then to actually live it.  Some people appear to just go along with life as if it's predetermined, 'I do this because I have always done this', people that don't ask questions or rock the boat for fear that their comfort will be taken away...when in reality it can be taken at any time without so much as a warning.  I wonder how many are like me, living a beautiful life and still feeling empty...maybe I have played it too safe with my choices.  It's time to find my edge and not just walk along it but look over it...

Summer of Natalie VII

I left my house earlier than usual this morning so I could get to Leann's by late afternoon and discuss the evening, I knew I would have to do some convincing to get her to come along.  Leann can be finicky depending on her mood so I decide that if she's having a glass of wine when I walk through the door I'll tell her my plan and if she's doing work and studying I'll tell her about the new pub I want to check out this evening.

I finally get to her place after fighting my way through rush hour traffic on a friday afternoon...awful. I walk in to find her studying with a glass of wine.  It brings me back to our university days and I remind her that if she studies drunk she'll have to write her tests the same way.  I grab a beer from the fridge and join her on the couch.  Leann knows I've been struggling with my life lately and never passes up the opportunity to grill me on everything from my feelings to my day to day life.  It's not like she's being nosy, I know she is genuinely concerned for me and is aware this is not the first time I've been down this road.  She has been a close friend to me and my family for over a decade and I love that I have another friend and support in my life that I can just be open and honest with and never feel for bad for just being me.  Leann is the type of friend that won't pay you lip service, if she thinks you're wrong or misinformed she will be the first to tell you.  This is why I love and respect her so much, her views don't change just to suit me and she would never want mine to change to suit her.  We have always been free to express ourselves openly without fear, I honestly don't know if I have many friends like that...I wonder how many close friends I actually have?

I decide to just tell Leann my plan for the evening, but not before I top up her glass and let her finish it.  "Are you seriously trying to take me on a date with you?" I put on my best convincing face and get ready to state my defence.  "It's not a date Leann, we are just meeting for a drink and it would only ever be friendship".  She grabs her purse and heads for the balcony, I highly doubt this calls for a smoke but I go along cause I'm two beers in and feel like joining her.  We light up and discuss the evening, basically it involves her telling me her list of demands and notifying me that her tab is my tab...fair enough.

Leann and I were ready to hit the town, she looks over at me and hands me the keys "it's probably best that you stay sober incase you need to run".

Summer of Natalie VI

I woke feeling more tired then when I went to bed last night and decided to stay in bed for a little longer.  I try not to spend too much of my time these days just laying around because it leads to thinking which slowly turns into over thinking.  It does't take much for me to unravel all my positive thoughts so I try and stay occupied.  Dan is still sleeping and I wish he'd wake so we can have our morning talk in bed.

I start to think about the upcoming weekend and meeting new people.  I feel a little guilty for how I am meeting them but have to admit that it's quite fun and entertaining and I actually enjoy the process.  On line dating seems genius, it's faster than speed dating and less awkward.  I'm sure people stretch the truth to seem more attractive, as I have done with my income, but don't we do that even when we meet in person for the first time like at a bar?  I'm amazed at the people that post pictures looking like they are fresh out of bed and in sweats sitting in front of their computer; why bother if you're not even going to try?  I especially like stories my brother CJ has told me about showing up to meet someone and the picture they have used is so outdated the woman looks nothing like it and is a bit heavier...fifty pounds or so.  It makes me wonder how many people are using these sites to seriously find a spouse and if it actually works.  My guess is on line dating works for busy people and those who do not frequent the bar scene.  I grab my phone and quietly leave the room, I want to call CJ before he heads to work and catch him up on my life.

CJ and I weren't always on good terms, in fact there was about a decade where we barely had anything to do with each other.  A few years ago we worked through our differences and have become very close.  I want to connect with him because I know he will support me and right now I really want to surround myself with positive supports, it helps keep the darkness at bay.

I can't help but laugh when he finally answers his phone, he sounds exhausted and I know it's because he was chatting all night.  He is the first to tell you that he enjoys on line dating because he is so busy with work and being a dad which means his prime dating hours are in the middle of the night.  CJ has perfected on line dating, he has it down to a science.  I went to meet one woman with him and I was barely out of the car before he was back in and ready to leave.  I looked over at him, "she didn't show up?" I could see him rolling his eyes and let out a sigh, "the picture she showed me is about ten years old".  I felt a little bad laughing but that's the deal, if you meet over the internet then you have to be prepared for people to lie to make themselves appear more appealing.  After he caught me up on the women he had met and how my nephew was doing I decided to tell him about my marriage and summer plans.  CJ and I are more alike then we would care to admit, which is why I have chosen to confide in him.  He and I are the free sprints of the family and oddly enough are both type A, it's crazy that this combination even exists...maybe it doesn't and the free part is just an illusion we need for ourselves.  We love living our lives openly and freely and out of the 'norm' but have this strong need to be completely organized; basically we do everything we want-after carefully planning it out...like organized fun...those words barely even belong in the same sentence.  CJ is a lot like Dan in the sense that he never cared what others thought and tries to reassure me that I'm allowed to live the way I want, "you gotta shake off the negative Natalie otherwise you'll be unhappy".  I love my brother and feel my heart ache for the ten years we never spoke over a misunderstanding; perhaps that is the best reason to no longer care what others say to me or think about me.

We only talk for a few minutes cause he has to get to work, he takes the time to reassure me one more time that it's okay, I smile and tell him not to fall asleep on the drive.  I make my way to the kitchen and start breakfast...today is another good day....

Summer of Natalie V

I woke with a little more optimism today and felt a tinge of excitement.  I grabbed my computer and headed for the kitchen.  I liked my alone time in the morning drinking coffee and snuggling with the dogs...and checking my profile of course.  I logged on to change my location to Leann's, I figured since I'm going to be there regularly I may as well meet some new people.  I could feel the guilt creep up slowly, I was finally comfortable pushing it away, after all I wasn't doing anything wrong or sneaky.

It felt good to have this new empowered attitude, it made me feel driven, happy and motivated; like I was back in the drivers seat.  I started to wonder how long it would last but snapped out of that train of thought quickly, I just need to focus on taking full advantage of my new state of mind now.  I say my mantra a few times, take a deep breath and smile...life is good.

So here I was feeling great, drinking coffee and checking out profiles.  I immediately start to get message after message, I couldn't believe how many people are up long before the sun.  The first three messages I checked were all cops.  I started to check profiles and most of them were cops.  I had to double check the site to make sure it wasn't designed strictly for law enforcement...nope it was correct.  I had heard that police officers have a high divorce rate but this was almost absurd.  Would I want to meet a cop? I already work in the system so I knew I'd at least have some things in common but didn't really get along with most of them.  Cops didn't exactly like me, maybe it's because I'm challenging or mouthy or not submissive, either way I didn't think it was in my best interest to have a drink with a person allowed to carry a gun.  I envision an argument breaking out and me assaulting an off duty officer, the worst part would be calling Dan for bail money because my date didn't go as planned.  That may be one of the worst case date scenarios; my husband paying my date so I can leave the holding cell.  I finally started talking to a guy that was around my age, not a cop and just looking to make friends since he was just starting a divorce...perfect!  He's a farmer and doesn't carry a weapon and isn't looking for anything but someone to have drinks with.  We agreed to meet and have a drink on the weekend since I will be there and he's off work.  I make a note to bring Leann along for the ride, then I make a side note not to tell her until we're already on the way.

I can hear her walking down the stairs and it makes me smile.  It feels amazing to be engaged in my own life and it seems easy and natural now that my days aren't running together.  She comes around the corner, "mama makes pancakes?"  You bet sweetie, I'd love too...and it feels good to mean it

Summer of Natalie IV

My mornings with Dan have become more like therapy sessions and less like lovers at breakfast.  He knows I am struggling with my emotions and choices and takes this time to reassure me.  Dan is the type of person that will look at you straight in the eyes while you offer your opinion on his life, nod, then walk away and never think of it again.  I on the other hand will turn that same interaction into a think tank project that focuses on everything I can do to make my life a more comfortable experience for you.   This craziness has to end, I am completely fed up with talking about it and even more so with letting the thoughts control my days and worse...life.

Dan meets me at the table with toast and coffee, I love that smile.  "So how was your weekend?"  I just offer, "it was good, I always love seeing Leann".  He can see it again, he knows.  "Natalie you have to let it go and just do what you want.  What's the point of all of this if the end result will be the first step?"  I know he's right, I have to switch gears in my thinking...it's time to move forward and stand by my life without apology.  How do you change a behaviour you've had for the better part of your life?  The answer...just say 'fuck it' and realize that the people who love you will always love you and the people that judge you don't deserve to have you and those people aren't the ones I want to surround myself with.  At some point you just have to weigh the opinions and know that when it comes to your own life, your opinion holds the most weight.  At this point I am only robbing myself of life's experiences, for better or for worse it will be to my credit or to my fault.  This is it!  I have come this far, I have changed my entire marriage and walked the plank, I cannot chicken out and go back now nor do I want to.    I couldn't possibly look at Dan and say, "hey I'm still too scared so let's not do this right now".  The reality is that if I don't do this now then it's another notch on my regret belt and an unresolved issue I will have to attempt to solve or dodge at a different stage in my life.  I can no longer live in misery so others can live in comfort.  It's time to jump into my life, and the beauty is that the one person I want beside me is already on board waiting for me...I truly have the best co-pilot in life.

I ache to walk to the edge of life and look over the side, I want to test my limits and live the fullest life I can.  I want to look back one day and know I did everything I wanted and no longer see the little girl I abandoned.  Dan and I agreed years ago that being married and having a family was a blessing and not an anchor or death sentence.  It was important to us that we still live the way we wanted to whether we were doing it alone or together.  Our marriage had become a brilliant partnership that was based on truth and honesty, we are free to live as we choose and not in the confines of others ideas of what a marriage should look like.  I started to feel sick knowing the power and time I had given to others and even sicker knowing it may have just been my own insecurities all along.  People may say, "that's what you do when you have a family...you sacrifice", but why would I if I don't have too?  There it is, my next 'ah ha moment', there is nothing that says or proves that I must unnecessarily sacrifice in order to properly love my family.  If I had to choose based on life's circumstances then I would happily live in misery to be with my family and sacrifice what was needed...but that wasn't the case for me.  I could have it all, so why feel guilty for not sacrificing if I don't have too?  My cup of life just got a little fuller.

I smiled at Dan and agreed that I have to just let it go and promised to make it a priority.  He placed his dishes in the sink and kissed me before he left for work.  I almost felt like a new person, a better version of me...

Summer of Natalie III

Sunday morning didn't feel nearly as bad this week, maybe because I knew I would be back in a week  and didn't feel the need to drink my weight in gin.  Leann and I walked her dog and had breakfast before I left for the week.  She's a strong woman and I often wonder if she ever worried or cared what others thought, was she able to not care and just enjoy her life and live by her choices without fear?  I wanted to ask but feared I would feel alone and weak if she was able to do what I always wanted too. 

I started to hate the long drive home alone, not because of the distance but because I would be alone with my thoughts for eight hours...it's like being held hostage by someone who criticizes your every thought and action.   It started to feel like a tedious process of tearing myself down only to point out all the positives.  I wondered how Dan had mastered the art of just not letting others have a say in how he lived his life or the decisions he made.  I was envious and often looked to him to make my decisions because I felt he would make them knowing what I wanted rather than making a choice to appease others values.  I hate being haunted with these circular thoughts that only cause me anxiety and guilt, I lose sleep and valuable time essentially doing nothing.  

I thought in depth about our choice to be in an open marriage and although Dan and I have entered this as willing participants, I constantly wonder what others will say or how my family will be viewed.  As if there is any other person who gets a say in our marriage or any other corner of our life.  I know people will not agree because of their interpretation of what a marriage should look like, they may challenge our love and commitment for each other and I start to feel angry and anxious at the thought of having to defend yet another choice I have made to people who are not even effected by it.  I wonder if there are actually people out there, whether my friends or acquaintances who have strong views of my life...it's probably all in my head.  Perhaps I have been so insecure in my own life and decisions that it is only me that I am struggling with and the thoughts of others that don't truly exist.  Maybe Dan is right and that others may have a fleeting opinion but nothing long lasting.  I just want to feel free to live my own life...but I know in my heart and head that I am the only one stopping myself from doing so.  People may have opinions but I am the one with the power of action.   I make a mental note to change my profile to Leann's city and look forward to meeting new people, I can feel the guilt but choose to ignore it right now.

I'm excited to get home and see my family and it feels good to want that and not feel like the walls of 

life are closing in on me.  I grab hold of the hope that this is just a crisis I am experiencing in my life and that it will pass without lasting effects...but I know different...

Summer of Natalie II

Saturday morning came fast and with the same welcoming as last Sunday, except this time I managed to stay in the bed.  I go over the events of last night and it makes me smile because it reminds me of years ago when Leann and I were in university together, we have become much tamer over the years.  I look over and see Advil and water on the night stand, I love my friend. 


Over the last few weeks I have made a habit of clearing my head by going through all my anxieties and talking myself off the ledge.  I have a constant feeling of sickness in my stomach that hinders me from being me...it's like I'm standing on the top of a diving board and want to jump but am too afraid.  I wonder how I became so obsessed with other's views of me.  I try and think of the exact point in my life where I let other's opinions and expectations override my own.  It seemed crazy as I thought about it, that I would live my life how I felt others would want me too.  That they have expectations of me that I have to reach or I will be 'less' or 'a failure'.  It pissed me off as I thought about it, I had trouble meeting my own expectations let alone other's.  And now when I had reached my breaking point, a point where I was laying on my bathroom floor afraid that I was never going to live I continued to worry about how other's would view my family.  It made me sick that I had become so weak and insecure with myself that I followed other's into their happiness and ignored mine.  I wondered if other's actually cared if I lived my own life, was this all in my head.  Was I feeding my own insecurities or was this happening, and even if they had an opinion was it necessarily bad or did they stew over it like I had been for years?  I always knew that not everyone would be able to see my difference as a charm and possibly view it as more of a curse.  I mean here I was with essentially a perfect life from husband to ex-husband...why the fuck can I not just be happy?  What more could I possibly want?   I immediately resort back to, I am open and honest with everything I think and do, I am not hurting anyone and my friends and family love me and will support me.  It's become my mantra these days.  I know in my heart that my family and friends are more concerned about me but habit continues to force my thoughts to judgement.  How arrogant that I believe you think more about my life then your own...but still I believe it. 


Leann walks in draped in her blanket and crawls into bed to recount the previous evening.  It feels amazing to be with a friend that just knows who I am and loves me anyway.