Summer of Natalie X

The week seemed to be flying by and I barely even noticed.  My days were filled with reports, legos and John.  He had become a large part of my days and even nights, texting until the early hours of the morning when he finally got off work.  I was a bit relieved that I was heading to New York in a couple days and he would be in a training exercise, I had some guilt about the amount of time I was giving him and wanted some distance.

John and I had spent the past few days getting to know each other and exchanging pictures.  I would wake to a 'good morning' text and never went to bed without saying 'good night', it had become routine.  I knew early on that what I had with John was different from anyone else I had met or talked to on the site.  I remember telling myself that it was nothing special and only the excitement of a new friendship; we shared the same sense of humour, enjoyed chatting with each other and were in similar places in our lives...it was a great match.  John was quickly becoming my new drug of choice.  I still checked my profile but didn't really have much interest in talking with anyone else and I noticed that he deleted his profile completely...it made me smile.  I knew it was wrong, I could feel it was wrong...I didn't care.  I was so tired of living a life that was so routine it made me physically sick, made me literally throw up and cry my days away.  I had no idea why I was connecting to someone I had never met, there was no reasonable explanation that I could think of.  I mean it's not like I was missing anything from my marriage and I could very honestly say I love Dan and that hasn't changed, I still want to be married to him.  I decide that this is all in my head, it's just new and exciting and I'm using it to shake up my routine life.  Fuck! is there anything that could possibly make me feel like a worse partner and mother...I'm just going to use this guy as a way to pretend my life isn't boring...gross!!

After a little pep talk I decide that I will use my trip to put distance between John and I.  I am fairly sure that we are just bonding over a similar time in our lives but I really don't want to gamble with my marriage.  It feels like we are addicts that have come to depend on each other for support, it's an unspoken understanding and bond we have built...holy cow...am I in an affair with someone I've never met?