Summer of Natalie IV

My mornings with Dan have become more like therapy sessions and less like lovers at breakfast.  He knows I am struggling with my emotions and choices and takes this time to reassure me.  Dan is the type of person that will look at you straight in the eyes while you offer your opinion on his life, nod, then walk away and never think of it again.  I on the other hand will turn that same interaction into a think tank project that focuses on everything I can do to make my life a more comfortable experience for you.   This craziness has to end, I am completely fed up with talking about it and even more so with letting the thoughts control my days and worse...life.

Dan meets me at the table with toast and coffee, I love that smile.  "So how was your weekend?"  I just offer, "it was good, I always love seeing Leann".  He can see it again, he knows.  "Natalie you have to let it go and just do what you want.  What's the point of all of this if the end result will be the first step?"  I know he's right, I have to switch gears in my thinking...it's time to move forward and stand by my life without apology.  How do you change a behaviour you've had for the better part of your life?  The answer...just say 'fuck it' and realize that the people who love you will always love you and the people that judge you don't deserve to have you and those people aren't the ones I want to surround myself with.  At some point you just have to weigh the opinions and know that when it comes to your own life, your opinion holds the most weight.  At this point I am only robbing myself of life's experiences, for better or for worse it will be to my credit or to my fault.  This is it!  I have come this far, I have changed my entire marriage and walked the plank, I cannot chicken out and go back now nor do I want to.    I couldn't possibly look at Dan and say, "hey I'm still too scared so let's not do this right now".  The reality is that if I don't do this now then it's another notch on my regret belt and an unresolved issue I will have to attempt to solve or dodge at a different stage in my life.  I can no longer live in misery so others can live in comfort.  It's time to jump into my life, and the beauty is that the one person I want beside me is already on board waiting for me...I truly have the best co-pilot in life.

I ache to walk to the edge of life and look over the side, I want to test my limits and live the fullest life I can.  I want to look back one day and know I did everything I wanted and no longer see the little girl I abandoned.  Dan and I agreed years ago that being married and having a family was a blessing and not an anchor or death sentence.  It was important to us that we still live the way we wanted to whether we were doing it alone or together.  Our marriage had become a brilliant partnership that was based on truth and honesty, we are free to live as we choose and not in the confines of others ideas of what a marriage should look like.  I started to feel sick knowing the power and time I had given to others and even sicker knowing it may have just been my own insecurities all along.  People may say, "that's what you do when you have a family...you sacrifice", but why would I if I don't have too?  There it is, my next 'ah ha moment', there is nothing that says or proves that I must unnecessarily sacrifice in order to properly love my family.  If I had to choose based on life's circumstances then I would happily live in misery to be with my family and sacrifice what was needed...but that wasn't the case for me.  I could have it all, so why feel guilty for not sacrificing if I don't have too?  My cup of life just got a little fuller.

I smiled at Dan and agreed that I have to just let it go and promised to make it a priority.  He placed his dishes in the sink and kissed me before he left for work.  I almost felt like a new person, a better version of me...