Summer of Natalie XVIIII

The pub was not a typical place I would hang out in but cops are weird.  I could hear the saddest music playing on the radio, I seen two women drinking at a table in the middle and the bartender behind the bar...no John.  I immediately felt sick and almost relieved that if I started throwing up no one would really notice.  I was so angry I could feel my skin get hot and far too pissed off to cry.  I thought about having a shot but feared what was left behind on the glasses from other patrons and decided to freshen up and head back out.  I texted CJ to advise that I would be at his house sooner than expected and told him about the asshole I drove eight hours for and how I was currently standing in the bathroom trying my best not to cry or puke because he didn't bother to show up.  I couldn't understand how I could feel so connected to someone who clearly didn't even care to see me.  I freshened my gloss, straightened my jacket and choked back tears, I had to walk clear across that bar to leave and that felt like the true walk of shame.  

When I turned the corner I could see him standing there and I couldn't help but smile and now I had to fight back tears of excitement.  He looked exactly like his pictures, well almost, this was the first time I had ever seen him smile.  Something was a bit off, we never said a word and both walked over to a booth and sat down.  It wasn't like I was expecting him to run to me or anything but we we're almost stand offish, there was a lot of caution on both sides and I wondered why.  After we ordered our drinks fear set in because I know we have very little in common other than our careers and I don't really want to spend the night talking about criminals.  John's a handsome guy but not classically good looking or beautiful, he's rugged and tough.  He's only about an inch taller than me with a receding hair line and has a crooked smile.  Now I was completely confused because I wasn't drawn to him sexually and we didn't have anything to talk about...so what is it?  What is causing me to move towards him?  He talked a little about his family.  He married far too young and joined the force shortly after, they had a son a few years after they were married and like too many other cops was now going through a divorce.  They moved back to the city they grew up in so they could have the support of their families while they went through this tough time.  He talked about how they bought a house so they could raise their son together and both play equal roles in his life.  John's work is highly demanding as he is always on call and at times will go weeks without seeing his family, he said it was best this way so that when he was at home he had access to him without setting up appointments with his ex.  He loves his ex-wife but no longer feels in love, he still wants to be part of her life and be a team in raising their child.  My mind starts to wonder about my own marriage and if Dan and I would do that.  I almost feel relieved thinking that if my marriage turned out like John's it wouldn't be all that bad.  

It occurred to me that John just moved back a couple months ago, I wanted to know how long the divorce was in the works.  "It's been over for a long time but we just recently agreed to go through with legally ending it".  Was this guy even ready to date?  And what the hell was drawing me to him, it was driving me crazy like I was in an intense game of 'Where's Waldo'.  I could feel him staring at me and it was a little unnerving but I went ahead and made eye contact.  He reached across the table and held my hands, "Irish I am not ready for anything but friendship because I have to sort out my own shit".  I smiled because this man is amazing to me, but I didn't know this information till a few minutes ago...so what is it?  And there it was, it made me catch my breath and I honestly thought for a second I was going to hit the floor.  When he looked at me I could see it in his eyes and I wondered if he could see it in mine.  He broke eye contact quickly and finished his beer.  Did he catch me?  John has demons, his darkness runs deep.  I found myself wondering if his were through experience or witnessing as I'm sure many cops have darkness just from being on the job.  

John finished his second beer and my vodka, paid the bill and led me outside.  "John I couldn't possibly drive right now", he laughed at me "you're not driving, I am".  He grabbed my keys and opened my door to help me in.  "Where are we going?"