Finding the Edge III

I woke up on the couch this morning, I'm having trouble sleeping again and my appetite has vanished.  John has been texting me a lot lately and it's become the best part of my days...I'm an awful person.  I'm craving my fix and now I don't know if it's the cop or still the on line site.  The Friday night with John was intoxicating to say the least and I can't stop thinking about it or him, but I still want to meet other people which makes me feel a little better.  I log onto my profile to find way too many messages to answer, I can see that John deleted his profile...it makes me smile.

I started to read the profiles of those messaging me and I have no idea what I am even looking for anymore.  I start to delete and block those that want marriage or anything long term...thanks but I already have that.  This is starting to feel like a quest that doesn't have any real direction.  I'm fairly certain after Friday night that I don't need the affair so much as some bad influences that will help me escape into the crazy side...great I've regressed into a teenager that needs to be a little rebellious.  I'm relieved that this is becoming more about me and less about my marriage and Dan.  Okay, it's time to start responding and making plans for the weekend.  John is fun but I doubt I'll see him again if he knows what I really want from him, he'll go to his grave with his demons.   I pick the guy that looks like he's from 'Duck Dynasty', a lawyer and another cop...so sue me, they are so much fun and apparently a lot of trouble.  I make a plan to set up meetings for the next few weekends and make a note to bring Leann along as a great third wheel.  I bypass Robert who is starting to look like the lonely guy at the dance that just blends in with the walls...poor bastard, he's a flounder among sharks.  There's one guy that catches my eye, or rather his profile does.  His name is George and he is perfect for my support group, I favourite him and decide to strike up a conversation another day.

I feel my plan is coming into light, basically I'm going to meet crazy people and see what happens...sounds like a good idea for a 35 year old woman going through a crisis...what the hell is wrong with me?  I never want to say it out loud but I know part of my problem is letting go of the past and moving into the next stage of my life.  I'm holding on for dear life as I watch the years pass and wonder how long the darkness will stay and how many more years it will steal from me.  Trauma is a mean bitch cause she never really goes away and fucks with your life at the least convenient times...happiness has no place here it's been replaced with anxiety, guilt and discontent...