Finding the Edge V

I could hear Dan downstairs when I finally woke up, I feel well rested for the first time in a long time.  When I finally reached the kitchen I could see Dan making breakfast and having a coffee, "you're up early".  He turned around and smiled, "that's because I would like to have breakfast with you before you leave for the weekend"...for a split second I forgot my life was different.  I grabbed a coffee and sat at the island, he was making me pancakes.  Dan always looked amazing in the morning, even when he's flipping cakes in a button down and dress pants.

Dan grabbed his coffee and toast and joined me at the island, "how have you been feeling?"  Ugh, just once I wanted to pretend we were 'normal' and not have to talk about this, I wanted to forget that I'm falling apart and feel helpless as I watch myself descend into the darkness.  But, we have to talk and stay connected otherwise everything starts to fall apart and I'm not ready to pay that price...besides Dan is so easy to talk to and I know I'm in a safe place with him emotionally.  "I'm sad and sick, I feel trapped and lonely, I'm anxious and scared, I'm a perfect storm of emotion".  He puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him, "you know Natalie it doesn't bother me that you're crazy, it bother's me that I'm helpless in it all...I'm so sorry".  I love that he calls me crazy because it's exactly how I feel and there is no point pretending otherwise or trying to mask it.  Dan has always been one to validate my feelings and I've always seen it as a sign of respect and love.  I'm breaking his heart and all I can do is watch, I can't finish my breakfast and I'm wondering if falling into the depths of depression is better then walking the edge.  "Are you packed?" I just nod, I'm scared that if I attempt to talk I might cry or throw up.  "It's okay Natalie, I promise".  I know he says this to make me feel better but by god I feel like the worst person on earth and as I feel it I know I am going to jump in my car and leave for the weekend.

My addiction is strong but it is the only thing I have right now that makes me feel alive and good.  Dan opens the door to my car and the plank is now a welcomed walk rather than a fear..I'm losing grip and I don't even care...