Summer of Natalie XVIII

I jumped in my car, drove through town and hit the highway.  I have no idea what I expected or wanted from John, I was so confused like my emotions were playing a mean trick on me.  The more I thought of Dan the more I cried...I had to put him out of my head because I was slowly driving myself crazy with guilt which turned to anxiety.  I had become an emotional mess that would unravel throughout the day, I couldn't eat, sleep or focus on anything.  I longed for the days where I was numb and emotionally bankrupt.

I wanted the eight hour drive to last forever, as much as I wanted to see John and find out my attraction I was terrified.  Even though I was always open and honest with Dan I still felt like I was crossing boundaries, the guilt had become my own personal hell.  Part of me hoped that meeting him would extinguish any emotion and I'd be brought back to reality, I wanted this to be something of a fantasy that came to an end...I wanted to be released from the darkness and go back to when there was no one else on earth but Dan.  Those days were over now and there was no going back, there are lines that when crossed over you can never cross back...I changed the course of my marriage and life forever and it scared me.  It was like taking all of my security and throwing it away and trusting myself...the very same person who had no emotional control.  I'm embarrassed because trusting myself felt the same as trusting a stranger and that is a sad reality at thirty five years old.  I desperately needed to have a logical thought of what was going on with me, I felt pulled in too many directions and I was exhausted living this way.  I was becoming annoyed with myself and angry that I kept pushing the limits and walking closer to the edge...why not just delete the profile and John?  It made me physically sick to think of going back to just being a wife and mother and the alternative was constantly feeling anxious and guilty for wanting more.  The lonely feelings were the worst, I wondered if others felt like me and if so what did they do, how did they fix it?  Maybe I needed my own support group.  How can I love my husband so much and want to have an open marriage?  It was exactly like an addiction, having the feelings that it's wrong and at the same time aching for the high.

I pulled up to the pub...this was it, this was the proving ground and I didn't know if I wanted to throw up or cry but either way I was walking through those doors and I knew he was already there.  I took a deep breath, wiped my tears, said my mantra, closed my eyes and walked in...