Summer of Natalie XII

Thirty seven thousand feet in the air, racing through the friendly skies and I am trying my best to keep my breakfast down.  I took out my phone and read our conversation again, and again, and...again.  I knew we were becoming good friends but how could I seriously consider going away with someone I never even laid eyes on.  I mean this person may not even exist, maybe this is someone just messing with me, it is on line after all, it's not that far of a leap for that to happen.  I looked over to see the flight attendant with the beverage cart, I wondered if they served alcohol this early in the day.  I decided on a coffee and water and found a movie to pass the longest four hours of my life.

The movie was doing very little to keep my attention and I found myself wondering, no hoping that John was real.  It made me almost sick to think that this was all a joke and I was the punch line...how could people be so mean?  It occurred to me that none of this should matter since I am happily married and not looking to change that...but it did matter and I could feel it.  What the hell is going on with me?  I try to go back through the last few months of my life and wonder how I got to a place where I cared about someone I never met.  Maybe this was exactly what a mid life crisis looked like, bored with how my life was a routine, lack of passion in the marriage, days running together, it all made sense.  I looked beside me to find my best friend snoring quite loudly, I wished it was Dan, he always knew what to say.  I wanted to call him immediately and tell him everything, he is my best friend and would calm me down and walk through all my emotions and make me feel better...seriously, this is my husband...I'm an awful person.

I took the rest of the flight to gather and sort my thoughts so I didn't feel so lost and confused by everything that was happening.  I hated the feelings I was having about my life, my beautiful life.  I keep trying to understand why I need and want more and how others around me seem to be completely happy in their own lives.  I secretly hoped it was all a charade and they felt trapped by their own routine and wanted to break free...but I knew that was too good to be true.  I think a lot of people are okay accepting some of the routine because the happiness outweighs everything else.  I just hated the thought of existing rather than living and I wondered if I truly loved my life or if I had just heard people tell me so often how great it was that I started to believe it.  How can my life be amazing when I feel vacant inside...what's missing?  I love and adore my husband and children, it's the routine and lack of excitement I can no longer live with.

I feel our plane touch down and I grab my phone and turn in on.  I want to call Dan right away but I also want to respond to John.