Summer of Natalie III

Sunday morning didn't feel nearly as bad this week, maybe because I knew I would be back in a week  and didn't feel the need to drink my weight in gin.  Leann and I walked her dog and had breakfast before I left for the week.  She's a strong woman and I often wonder if she ever worried or cared what others thought, was she able to not care and just enjoy her life and live by her choices without fear?  I wanted to ask but feared I would feel alone and weak if she was able to do what I always wanted too. 

I started to hate the long drive home alone, not because of the distance but because I would be alone with my thoughts for eight hours...it's like being held hostage by someone who criticizes your every thought and action.   It started to feel like a tedious process of tearing myself down only to point out all the positives.  I wondered how Dan had mastered the art of just not letting others have a say in how he lived his life or the decisions he made.  I was envious and often looked to him to make my decisions because I felt he would make them knowing what I wanted rather than making a choice to appease others values.  I hate being haunted with these circular thoughts that only cause me anxiety and guilt, I lose sleep and valuable time essentially doing nothing.  

I thought in depth about our choice to be in an open marriage and although Dan and I have entered this as willing participants, I constantly wonder what others will say or how my family will be viewed.  As if there is any other person who gets a say in our marriage or any other corner of our life.  I know people will not agree because of their interpretation of what a marriage should look like, they may challenge our love and commitment for each other and I start to feel angry and anxious at the thought of having to defend yet another choice I have made to people who are not even effected by it.  I wonder if there are actually people out there, whether my friends or acquaintances who have strong views of my life...it's probably all in my head.  Perhaps I have been so insecure in my own life and decisions that it is only me that I am struggling with and the thoughts of others that don't truly exist.  Maybe Dan is right and that others may have a fleeting opinion but nothing long lasting.  I just want to feel free to live my own life...but I know in my heart and head that I am the only one stopping myself from doing so.  People may have opinions but I am the one with the power of action.   I make a mental note to change my profile to Leann's city and look forward to meeting new people, I can feel the guilt but choose to ignore it right now.

I'm excited to get home and see my family and it feels good to want that and not feel like the walls of 

life are closing in on me.  I grab hold of the hope that this is just a crisis I am experiencing in my life and that it will pass without lasting effects...but I know different...