Summer of Natalie XVII

I laid awake most of the night trying to play out the various scenarios of how my meeting with John would go, I wasn't even sure what a good scenario would look like.  I could feel Dan sleeping beside me and it made me sick that my own feelings were betraying me.  I started to wonder how he felt about everything I was going through, I honestly didn't know if I could be as supportive as him.  The more he supported me the worse I felt and would almost feel better if he just shook me and told me to stop...but he would never do that.  I wanted to feel normal but to be honest I have no real idea what normal is and I always hated the label because it made me feel guilty for being so different.

I climbed out of bed to shower and pack for the weekend, I felt weak and nauseous but managed to avoid a morning session of dry heaving.  I met Dan downstairs for coffee and toast, and my morning dose of guilt.  He looked amazing and flashed me his best smile.  This man is truly the most beautiful person and husband, how was he so calm, collected and cool...never shaken or worried.  It almost made no sense to me, I was becoming an emotional train wreck and he was holding everything together.  I had to keep telling myself that I may not be able to control my feelings but I can control how I act, I just had to keep being honest and hope that this was my issue and not ours.  I think I zoned out for a minute, Dan was in mid sentence when I snapped back and had no idea what he was talking about or for how long...I'll just add ignoring him to the guilt pile.

Dan cleaned up our dishes and walked me to the door.  He handed me my bag, kissed my nose and opened it...I took a deep breath, swallowed my coffee for the second time and walked the plank.