A Love, A Loss, and Peace XV

It was nice to get away, for the first time since Christmas Day I felt somewhat comfortable. We flew into Vegas and made our way to Los Angeles, I was taking my son to Clippers game then my daughter to California Adventures in the morning for the day. We all needed the escape mentally and physically so I packed in a bunch of activities for the whole family to enjoy.

We shopped, we drove through the hills, dipped our toes in the ocean, got a flat tire, fixed a flat tire and spent our last night back in Vegas where my daughter was getting drunk on the lights and novelty of the strip. 

I was counting the days down until I visited my father, it meant I got to leave again and be away from the neighbourhood. I hoped that by the time we arrived home someone would have turned off the porch light down the street...I sit at my back table, typing, looking out my windows and that damn light glows as a reminder. 

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XIV

For three days I watched the clean up crews invade the house on my block, I watched the moving vans come in and load up a house full of furniture and I watched as my community stood in shock wondering how this happened. We knew the family well; wonderful people raising their family and just trying to have a good life...not unlike the rest of us. I don't know exactly what happened, its none of my business.

I went to the hospital to offer support for the family and was able to say good bye before they harvested him to save fourteen others.

The  devastation changed me, I can feel it. Life views more like a movie now that I'm watching, not able to participate with no real interest in diving back in.

We leave for Los Angeles in a couple of days and I'm clawing at the walls to run away...I don't want to come back...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XIII

It was nearly seven hours later that we were watching, while crouched down in the upstairs spare room, a robot come down our eerily quiet street with a group of officers just behind. This is it, they're going in, one way or another...that person's coming out. It felt like an instant from the team walking by my house to the ambulance being almost right in front of it. I held my breath, afraid to vomit.

Two minutes later and everyone was back to their regularly scheduled Christmas dinner, everything was cleaned up with little sign of disturbance, I almost wish I just stayed in the basement. I have no answers, I need answers...what happened? Karen called me out of my thoughts from the front door; the block was on lock down for the past eight hours so she wasn't able to get to her family Christmas after exchanging gifts with us. Dan, Karen and I stood at the front door staring at each other, trying to talk but still in shock. I hugged her after she got her coat on, she was heading to her daughter's house for the night, I was glad she wouldn't be alone. 

The magic of Christmas died for me that day. I called my father. 

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XII

We opened our gifts that Santa brought, we ate breakfast among the scraps of wrapping paper and we made calls to our friends and family. Dan had the turkey in the oven by 2pm and Karen was over visiting with my daughter and exchanging gifts while playing with all of her new toys. I finished the last of my coffee when a loud banging from the front door startled me. A police officer came through my door before I could get to it and yelled at me to get my family in the basement...a neighbour was locked in their home firing shots off with a gun. I nearly puked, my vision went blurry and my mind...stopped, I couldn't think. I stood in front of him, blank in thoughts and movement, until Dan came around the corner and assured him we would all go downstairs.

Within seconds we were all in the basement starring at each other, hoping I would have some spectacular lie to tell my daughter but fell short of all words. Dan took her aside and told her something...I still have no idea what it was. I backed into a corner and slid down the wall while tears slid down my cheeks, Christmas and the holiday's aren't easy for everyone and I wish it wasn't too late to invite their family over. I could see the flashes of light pouring through our basement windows from the emergency vehicles while listening to my daughter giggle in the background...I'm numb.

A Love, A Loss, and Peace XI

My contract followed me two days after I arrived and I couldn't fill it out fast enough. At some point when you believe it...it happens. I spent weeks waiting for edits, wondering when the next phase was going to start and trying my best to stay in my own business and not pay attention to my neighbours. It was difficult to be home at times but I was focusing on my family, my other life and anything that didn't let me get pulled into whatever was going on. I missed my friends dearly and wanted to go back to the way things used to be but that's a hope without wings.

It was easy to stay away once winter hit...prairie winters are unforgiving and relentless so most days are indoor days to avoid the instant frost bite of stepping out to watch your dog pee.

And then one day...just like that...they moved away...

A Love, A Loss and Peace X

Joseph had me twenty minutes early so I could grab a coffee and settle my nerves before my interview. I know they said they would love to represent my book but that book is attached to me and this is an interview. They showed up together, grabbed a drink and joined me...I was vibrating with excitement. I assumed it would take an hour, possibly two but never would have guessed five. My new editor and agent only stayed about an hour, long enough for her to tell me she loved my writing and wanted to help me flush out my manuscript for a tighter, fresher read...I like her. My other agent and president of the agency stayed long after and together we got to know one another and our respective stories. She's lovely, they both are. They are strong, powerful, intelligent women who want to give me a platform and support my writing career because they like my voice and see a need for it in the literary world...I'm humbled.

I watched her leave the tiny coffee shop in a small town in Connecticut. I exhaled and choked back my tears...over two years in the hunt for an agent and over three writing this one manuscript. A wave of exhaustion hit me hard when I walked into the fresh air, I spotted his truck across the parking lot and made my way over...the years of stress slid away I fell asleep in the passenger side and let it all go...

A Love, A Loss and Peace IX

I don't know if you know this about me but I'm not exactly a patient person and even less so after years of writing, editing, rewriting and querying agents on a full time basis...I want my contract. I booked my flight within two days and coordinated with Joseph for a ride into Connecticut to meet my agents...yeah, I got two. The owner of the agency liked the pitch as did her editor and together they are taking a chance on my manuscript...my story. I remember getting rejection letter after rejection letter and telling myself it was okay, I didn't want someone to represent my book just because they could sell it I wanted someone who believed in my story, connected to the deepest meaning of it and would represent myself as well as my story in the best possible way.

I wrote my coach and filled her in, she was over the moon for me...for both of us. Gay and I worked together for years going back and forth on my manuscript, countless hours editing and revising, all the classes and phone calls and it was all coming full to circle and my work was speaking for itself. I thought about my letter of resignation and exhaled knowing that I made the right choice in letting it go because I'm not a parole officer, not really anyway...I'm a writer on her way to becoming an author.

I boarded my flight a little more eagerly than usual...what did you expect? I'll be in Queens by dinner time and in my meeting by noon the next day. I closed my eyes and thought about every time I heard how difficult this is going to be, and it is, maybe the most difficult thing I have ever done for myself; but the feeling I got when I opened that email was a reward like no other...I wonder what happens now...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace VIII

It felt good to be home, we hadn't slept in our beds, played with our dogs or even enjoyed our own things for several weeks so when we walked through the door a wave of emotion hit me. I love my home, it is my favourite place most days, well it was before I left and I hope I feel like that again soon. I sit at my kitchen table surrounded by windows and open skies...it's my favourite place to write. She ran around and took inventory on all of her things then went to her room for the rest of the day, she missed her stuffed toys and bedroom more than I would have wanted.

It was only about a week after we arrived home that she started kindergarten and together I helped her make the leap to a new school, the 'big school' as she calls it. Three weeks after school started I resigned from my position of contract parole officer; I wanted my writing to improve and to write more for me and less for others. Believe it or not, after writing about 20-30 reports for the parole board a month it doesn't leave much desire to write more...I needed my creativity all of the time and writing parole reports was robbing me of that. I resigned. Effective immediately.

I started to pour more and more into my writing and into querying literary agents. I had been looking for an agent for the past couple of years to help me sell my book. Two weeks after I left my position of contract parole officer I received an email that I read over and over, "We would love to represent your book". I cried, I laughed, I exhaled and I cried some more. You know, I had over 200 rejections over the past couple of years and never once did I feel like I wasn't going to land an agent. Maybe I was too naive or just down right committed to doing this come hell or high water, I don't think it matters either way.

A Love, A Loss and Peace VII

We didn't go directly home, my niece was getting married so we stopped for a few days with family and celebrated her day...it was wonderful and the perfect distraction. We caught up with family we hadn't seen in years and connected with new friends we just met all while my daughter feasted on the unlimited candy bar. We listened to the speeches that didn't really mean much to us since we didn't know many people but still, it was nice to get swept away in her day. I love my niece, she's sincere, funny and kind...she is goodness.

The next day I made that same old drive I used to make years ago when I spent my time heading to Leanne's every weekend...remember? I thought about Mike and John and it made me smile...it seemed forever ago. I turned left at the junction and drove past the coffee shop, then blinked and I was out the other side of the tiny town. I opened the sunroof, turned up the music and drove down memory lane...all the way home...

A Love, A Loss, and Peace VI

We looked around the apartment one more time, under beds and behind dressers then locked the door behind us. I was scared but couldn't show it, she was excited and unaware of the change that awaited us both. My heart was beating out of my chest by the time the cab picked us up to take us to LaGuardia. I thought a lot about how things were going to be incredibly different when we arrived home and spent many nights laying awake wondering how I was going to explain to my little girl how her two best friends no longer live beside us, couldn't say good bye and won't be back...I felt crushed for her. She starts a new school for kindergarten and I know it will only add to her growing fears as a little person in the big world...I would give anything to take her sadness.

We found a couple seats by our gate and shared a banana while she drank her orange juice and I sipped on hot, black coffee. Almost three whole months after leaving home and we are finally going back...to god knows what....

A Love, A Loss and Peace V

The weeks rolled by as she and I jumped from the Jersey Shore to Queens to Manhattan. She loved the beach and the city, perfect distractions for a four year old but not me...I was living in my head wondering what we were going to do because I couldn't stay in New York forever.

Dan had been to visit us and I couldn't get enough of him, I wanted to keep him, to run away...to just go back to our bubble. I cried with him after she would fall asleep wondering how our new dynamic would hold and scared of what lay ahead. Dan had said that their house was different now, cold without the life that used to pour out with the laughter if the kids, the dogs and a happy family that BBQ'S even when it's minus forty...I miss those people. He doesn't think she lives there anymore, he thinks she took the children and herself out of the house...I would bet on that. Kaila won't mess around when it comes to her sobriety and definitely not when it comes to her children. I can barely believe how much has changed since we were all in Disney eight months ago.

Time was winding quickly, and it was almost time to go home...she has school and we have to get on with life. We hugged him tightly the morning he left us...we'd follow in just two weeks.

A Love, A Loss and Peace IV

We walked to our place on the Upper West Side while I collected my thoughts, swallowed my lunch for the second time and waited for Dan to call me. Seems over the top I'm sure for those who are on the outside looking in but being in the glass house is completely different. It's not just the addiction, it's the erratic behaviours, the anger and unknown. I don't deal well with addiction, it terrifies me and I can build walls just to keep the toxic out. My daughter wouldn't be allowed to go next door anymore and I couldn't form a thought to tell her our new reality...so it's n adventure.

Addiction is a different animal and I knew they both struggled with it over a decade ago but I hoped that sleeping dogs would stay asleep. Kaila's not using, she never had the desire to use again she wanted more and she went for it. I can support her from afar but I can't go home if he's using and I'm pretty sure she is on her way out of the marriage. Addiction, divorce and devastation were floating around my neighbourhood and I was not going back to spend the summer as a hostage in my own home to escape the trauma that awaits my just outside my  front door.

A Love, A Loss and Peace III

I was in overdrive in the anxiety department. Trust was gone and friendship was sliding away at a rapid pace. I was sick to my stomach and wondering how I would live next door to these people who don't look the same anymore. It wasn't just that one had relapsed into addiction; I've worked with people of all ages who have struggled wth addiction...my problem was that they were going off of the rails and I didn't trust them anymore. I arranged to be in NY for three months bouncing between Jospeh's place in Queens and the beach house on the weeks he wouldn't be using it or the upstairs apartment was free to rent. I was terrified to go home, to expose my daughter to that house she once loved and felt safe in and now I have to tell her that she can't go over there anymore. 

I felt stuck, it didn't matter that I would have NY at my fingertips for months...it felt like prison where I had to be and not where I wanted to be. My freedom was sucked away and NY started to lose it's beauty, becoming grey and concrete...my vision was becoming jaded. I held back the tears in my eyes while I tried to look excited telling my four year old about our new awesome summer adventure...that just came up. 

A Love, A Loss and Peace II

Things were not going according to plan at all, my world was starting to feel like it was on marbles and slowly everything was falling off the sides just before i could get to it. Mostly everything was great and I only took my eye off of the ball for a minute but in that minute so much changed and I found myself in New York with my daughter, not willing to go home and not entirely sure where I would go.

I'll back up a bit. Dan and I learned that our neighbours were back to using drugs because of a terrible accident, not pot...heroine. I panicked, I puked and I cried and then I called them. These were the same people we were just at Disney with, these were our close friends, people we love and care about. I cried over the call, wanting things to be different but knowing that their hell is like nothing I had ever seen and feeling guilty for never wanting our children to witness it.

I clutched my daughter's hand and thought for a minute...Joseph should be at the beach house soon...maybe I can use his place for the month...

A Love, A Loss and Peace

The months rolled over and I swear the winter never wanted to end. By the middle of March I was damn near back in the Christmas spirit but also feeling the cabin fever starting to come on strong. I'd been spending a lot of time in Queens and loving every week of it. I could walk down the street and do every daily errand all in a matter of a few blocks and they were all little stores owned by the locals...no 7/11's and big box stores; they have a butcher, bakers and laundry services right at the tip of my block. Queens was definitely more in touch with reality than Manhattan...I could see her skyline from the corner of Joseph's block and loved being able to spot her from just about anywhere I stood. It didn't feel so cold here, well February it's so cold I refuse to come some years but mostly it's much more milder than home.

May and June bring back memories of summers past and make me excited for what this year brings. Joseph rented a beach house on the Jersey Shore for the month of July and invited me to come along...I'm definitely thinking about it. It's hot and humid in the city and I find it can be difficult to be comfortable but I'm not exactly a sun chaser. I love my time in NY but more importantly, I love my time in Canada...everything just feels good and I'm going to ride the wave.

Home...The Other One XVI

We stayed two days then drove in silence to Toronto, I dropped my sister off at the airport and continued on to New York with Joseph...he didn't get to go fishing again. Dad is still in the hospital but expected to head home in about a week. I'm exhausted without an emotion left to express.

I'm looking forward to a few days in New York as the lovely distraction. I want to play around the city and forget for just a few hours that the end is near...but still looming at a distance. I really have no idea when I would be back but I pray it's not just to bury him.

We crossed into the US and stopped for lunch in Buffalo, we each ordered a beer and steak then planned out a few details of our next few days...Broadway, The rainbow Room and the Park Lane overlooking Central Park. He's spoiling me, hoping he can suspend my reality for a few days and bring me back into my Manhattan dreams...it's working.

Home...The Other One XV

He looks worse, he asked me if his daughter from Alberta would be able to find him...I'm his daughter from Alberta. We've already been through this part, the loss of memory, the hallucinations...I hate this part. He can't even recognize us...how lonely can one person become? I smile and hold his hand, "I'll keep a look out for her." it's all I can offer to my father who sees me as a stranger. My sister is standing far back, she hasn't seen this part yet...this is a new nightmare for her. She and my father were always thick as thieves, she was daddy's girl and I was always closest with my mother. I look back to find her shrinking into a corner; I let her shrink. I walk out of the room telling him I would be right back and then re-enter with a new attitude, "hey dad I just got here, how are you?" Maybe if I just tell him who I am then we can skip the part where he tries to remember where he knows me from. He squints and looks at me confused, "Natalie?" I nod agreeing. "The nurse just went to find you." I kiss his forehead and change the subject to his food and home and what happened.

He fell one evening while trying to make his way to the bathroom. He took off his emergency button because his wrist felt sore and couldn't reach it to press the button. By the time my cousin found him a days and half later he had lost over 4 pints of blood and was severally dehydrated. How is he alive? My guess...Irish stubbornness.

I open his jello and start to feed it to him. My sister starts to emerge from he shadows and slides in to hold his other hand.

Home...The Other One XIV

I don't remember the last time I saw my sister but it's been years. Joseph picked us up from the airport; desperate times called for desperate measures. I've arranged it so we are only in town for two nights then drive my sister back to the airport then head to New York with Joseph...it was about the only thing making me feel better about having to go back home. I hugged her tightly for several minutes; she hasn't seen dad in a while and she's going to be upset when she does.

The highway home is filled with anxiety and nausea, one day it will be my last trip but until then this has become my highway to hell...deep breath in, exhale and count the hours until I leave.

Home...The Other One XIII

I barely unpacked my things after I got back home when I received another call about my father, he's back in the hospital after suffering several heart attacks...how much more can one man take?

I flopped on my bed and closed my eyes, I'm exhausted. I hadn't even been home for 2 weeks when it was time to head out again, and not even to New York...I was going back home to my father. I don't think I have ever spent this much time in a place I have come to hate. The doctors told my cousin dad won't make it much longer, excuse my eye roll but they have been saying that for the best part of the last two years. Either way, I have to go because if they are right I don't want him to die alone and if they are wrong, I at least want him to know I care enough to make the trip.

I called my friend at WestJet to use my buddy passes then made arrangement for one of my sisters. My father has three daughters, my sister Patricia and I do not have any contact with his other daughter and have only met her a handful of times over our lives. She doesn't see my dad, although she lives in the same city, I don't ask why, I don't care why, I'm just there for dad. I booked our flights to meet in Toronto...I'm tired and scared, but I'm also ready.

Home...The Other One XII

I always loved leaving, seeing the city I had come to loath slowly shrinking in my rearview mirror. I hardly said a word on the way back to New York, thinking about what to do next for my father and aching to get home and leave this behind me for now. I wanted to see New York, to wash away the past and live in my love and passion. Joesph never said much other than asking if I needed to stop or if I was hungry, I wasn't. He turned on the music to drown out the silence and give a new feel to the mood. I was happy he came along it felt batter knowing I could leave at any time and not feel stranded.

I laid my seat back and closed my eyes...a wave of exhaustion hit me and I surrender...

Home...The Other One XI

I met with the doctor on my last day, he doesn't have anything new to say or hope to lend...every morning he wakes it is just dumb luck. My father would be going home in two days if nothing changed, to be honest, I wasn't even sure what type of change to hope or pray for. Do I pray to the heavens that his life is extended knowing full well that he suffers with each breath or do I hope that the suffering ends knowing it means I'll never see him again.

We sat beside the window while he drank his tea and I sipped on my coffee...he knows today is the day I leave and I can feel his sadness. He didn't say much, just stared out the window while tears streamed down his face. He wants to say good bye but can't bring himself to speak, I squeezed his hand lightly and rested my head on his shoulder....

Home...The Other One X

After I cleaned his apartment and refreshed it with all new linen and a fridge stocked of all friendly diabetic foods I could find I went back to the hospital.

I found him sitting in a chair by the window eating his lunch, he immediately cried when he saw me. I always ignore it, it's not his fault. The several strokes he has suffered over the years makes it impossible for him to hide emotions and cues me on being more compassionate towards him.

"Hey dad, whatcha eating?"
"Just a sandwich, it's not very good." He smiled through his tears
"I brought you your favourite chicken and a Diet Pepsi. Doc said it was all good."

He tossed his entire tray into the garbage to make room for his take out. Doc said he's amazed everyday my father wakes up so I'm allowed to spoil him with his favourite foods. Several doctors have chimed in during our meetings to express their shock that he has survived countless heart attacks and strokes, diabetes, gout and cancer. More than once I have heard, "it's an amazing anomaly that he is still breathing, he should have been dead years ago." They go so far as to even question why I would deny him cigarettes since there is no reverse in his condition...just living and suffering with it all.

I placed my own lunch down across from him and for the first time in a very long time...we had lunch, just me and my dad.

Home...The Other One IX

We went by my father's place the next morning and I gathered him some things to make him feel comfortable, things that were familiar to him. His place tastes like cigarette smoke and it's throughout the building. I looked through the papers on his kitchen table, it's all little pictures of the life he used to have, I wonder how often he looks at these.

Everything looked grey, covered in smoke and dust. I hung my jacket on the door and grabbed some garbage bags and proceeded to throw out all of his linen, pillows as well as his blankets on the couch he pretty much lives on. Maybe if I can clean his space up a bit he will be more comfortable, I don't even know if that's an option anymore. Joseph stood in the kitchen watching me run back and forth filling bag after bag of his bedding and towels, tying them up and tossing them into the hallway.

When every surface was wiped and the apartment was stripped Joseph helped me carry everything to the dumpster out back. "Can you take me shopping?" I was exhausted and emotionally drained.

"Sure, I can go fishing tomorrow." He placed his arm around my shoulder and walked me back to the truck.

Home...The Other One VIII

It was after nine when I finally said good night to my father and his nurses. I walked down the long hall back to the elevator in a haze, thinking I'd come back in the morning to speak to the doctor and find out what I'm looking at. I was exhausted, hungry and emotionally bankrupt functioning on autopilot and sick I'd have to leave the veil of the hospital to step back out into my nightmare...I hate this town. When the doors opened I walked out into the cafeteria that was just closing and thought about grabbing a coffee but passed it up and walked towards the exit. I heard someone calling my name but didn't turn around, its probably a different Natalie. I made my way out into the parking lot without any direction of what to do next, I didn't even have my suitcase.
"Natalie?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around.
"Joseph, you're still here?"I was confused.
"I stayed incase you needed a ride or a friend."
"Oh, thanks but I'm not sure where I'm going just yet. How was fishing?"
"I didn't go, maybe tomorrow. Want to get a bite to eat?"
"How about a drink?" I didn't have much of an appetite.
"How about both?"
"Okay."

After our drinks arrived and we ordered food we sat in complete silence, not awkward or tense...just comfortable silence. I reached over and placed my left hand on his arm and gave it a light squeeze, it was nice to have the company...I'm glad he came along.

Home...The Other One VII

I watched him sleep for a few more hours, tidying his things, making sure he had something to drink and eat when he woke and hoping anything in his condition changed...if only to bring him home to die. Its dark outside and lonely inside; a nurse comes in every now and then and maybe a janitor. I remember after giving birth to my son when I was just 19 years old and it was the end of November, it got dark before 5pm and the postpartum would come on strong. I hated the nights and the loneliness it brought with it. I had never even been overnight after my own birth and I remember clearly how absolutely alone I felt while I cared for my son. Now, I look out the window and feel the same feelings but it's different, I'm older and can come and go as I please...but he cannot. We share this now, this realization of sadness and loneliness, it keeps me by his side.

There is a beginning and there is an end...and in between we discover who we are and hope to leave a legacy...I am his...

Home...The Other One VI

After four straight hours of watching nurses poke him and doctors come and go with little to no hope to offer, I waited for him to fall asleep and then went to find air. Erin left about an hour after I arrived, his other daughter never bothers to even call to see if he is dead or alive and I can't sit here another minute...I need a time out.

I walked out into parking lot and looked around; I can spot the beach I learned to swim, the one my parents would take us to on a daily basis in the summer. I can see the extra large science centre I loved going to on school field trips; my father hauled every single one of those boulders to keep it above the water line and he is damn proud what he brought to that. No matter how far back I walked into my childhood, it just doesn't feel like home anymore...I'm visiting ghosts. I walked to the far end of the parking lot where the tree line starts; I have no idea where I am going to go from here and I have no idea how to even get there. His slow death is starting to make me feel lonely...I can't imagine what it's like for him. I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and walked back to the hospital; I don't know what's worse, having one of the only seats to watch my father suffer or having to do it in my own personal nightmare by having to be home...

Home...The Other One V

My cousin Erin was in with my father when I arrived, he has been taking of my dad since his last extended hospital stay. My dad has another daughter that lives in the city, close to him, but she refuses to help as long as he refuses to go into a home...he doesn't qualify for a home, and has begged me not to let him go to one. She's upset she can't control him, I'm upset she won't just let him live out the rest of his years in peace and he's upset she doesn't have anything do with him anymore and can't understand why...well, neither can I. I handed Erin my coffee and placed my father's tea on the little table by his bed. He was awake but confused, looking through me rather than at me, it'll come to him but it still rattles my cage to have to see him like this. He decided to die a long time ago and watching hasn't been fun but it has been enlightening. I walked over and held his hand until his face started to twitch and who I was sunk in, "Patty?" Well, close anyway, "No dad, it's Natalie." Tears streamed down his face and Erin walked over to the window to give us a few minutes of privacy.
           "Are they going to put me in a home?" it was literally his only fear.
           "Nope, no need to. When you leave here I'll just take you back to your place." I tried to be as casual as possible. I had no idea at that point what their plan of action would be.

I held his hand and sat down in the chair next to him waiting to see the doctor. You can see his exhaustion and how little he takes care of himself; I made a mental note to call for more supports during the day so he doesn't have too many hours alone. I know he's dying but I just can't bring myself to say good-bye...I don't want my dad to die...

Home...The Other One IV

You can see the smoke billowing out of the smoke stacks from miles out of the city and my anxiety clutched my gut. Joseph was whistling away to some Irish song, completely oblivious to how much I absolutely hate going home. I still know my way around the city, it seems so much smaller than I remember; the long walk up the hill to the convenience store was now only about a block away and I could cover that much ground in a couple of minutes...but back in the day it seemed to take forever. The laundromat my mother used to go to is just down the block next to the Polish market and other than everything looking a little worse for wear not much had changed and that felt sad to me.

We pulled up to the hospital and I asked Joseph to wait for me; I thought about telling him to go on but I wasn't sure what I was walking into...my father has been dying for quite some time. He parked in the almost vacant lot and walked in with me. We each grabbed a coffee and I ordered my father a tea and Diet Pepsi...those along with cigarettes are his staples of nutrition. We were standing at the elevator watching the floor numbers count down when he looked over at me, "Want me to come up with you?"I smiled but shook my head no, I wanted him to come with me but I don't know what the other side of the door holds for me and right now I want to do it alone. "No problem", he pointed to a chair in the corner, "I'll be over there when you're done and we can get something to eat." I nodded again, this time in agreement. I gave him one last smile as the elevator doors closed...shouldn't he be fishing?

Home...The Other One III

He woke me when we pulled into the driveway, "I'll get your luggage and meet you at the top of the stairs," he whispered. I slowly fell out of the truck and tried my best to stretch out and wake up a little. I pulled myself up the stairs and walked by him to flop down on the lazy boy, I can barely keep my eyes open. I closed them and drifted off to sleep for a few more hours.

When I woke I couldn't see Joseph in my line my vision. "Hey! You around?" I shouted, I wanted a glass of water but my legs fell asleep and now the tingling feeling was beginning to hurt, or irritate...either way I couldn't stand up without wanting to bang my legs against the wall. "Yeah, I'm back here packing a bag, what do you need?" Packing a bag? I leaned over the edge of the couch and seen him coming down the hallway towards me with a duffle bag in his hand. "Where are you going?" I had no idea he had other plans. He dropped his bag at the door then grabbed me a bottle of water. "I'll take you up to see your father and I can fish at a lake for a few days." Ugh, I almost forgot I was heading home to see dad. Sometimes the places I grew up make their way into my dreams and I miss the little park at the end of my block where I learned to swing all by myself, or the corner store that dad used to take us to for movie rentals on a Friday evening, or our favourite pizza place that we ordered from at least once a week...but being there was completely different, it never felt as good as in the dream. "Don't be silly, I'll fly there and save you the drive. Besides it's not fun, it's more of a sad place now." For me it was anyway. "I'm going to go fishing and can keep you company. It's not a big deal and maybe I'll finally get to see a moose." He wasn't a fan of just 'googling' it like I recommended. "It's a shithole." He looked over and shrugged his shoulders, "either way you have to go so let's do this and we can stay in Niagara afterwards. I've never been there." He continued to pack a cooler full of drinks and snacks all while whistling away like we're going on some fantastic road trip...man, is he going to be disappointed. I stood up from the couch and stretched until it ached, "fuck it, let's go." I've never been a fan of going home and even less so when I have to do it alone, if' he's willing to come along for the ride then I'm going to do my best to make it fun...or at least tolerable. 

Home...The Other One II

I took the redeye into LaGuardia and waited for Joseph to pick me up. I was thinking I would do a short flight up for 3 days to make sure dad is okay then come back and finish out a couple days in the city and hopefully make my writing class. I was exhausted, to the point of nausea. I wanted to shower and lay down for about eight hours, although even if I got three I would be a brand new person.

He pulled up right in front of me and I didn't even notice, I must have drifted off. He got out and threw my luggage in the back of his truck then opened the door for me...he always opens the door for me. He climbed in the drivers seat and handed me a bottle of water, "how was your flight?" I took a long swig, rested my head on the seat and closed my eyes, "not too bad, just tired."I could barely function and was doing everything not to catch my fifth wind of the night. He reached across and squeezed my hand, "breakfast or bed?"...I was already asleep.

Home...The Other One I

By the time we all got home, unpacked and climbed into bed I already had three calls about my father. I've developed a sensitivity over the past couple of years since we opened or marriage, some things in my thinking have shifted and changed forever. I've learned to let go, knowing I have not always made the best decisions, knowing I have caused pain, lied and gossiped...and I know the road to forgiveness can either be blocked, riddled with obstacles or an open road...I want mine to remain open. Every moment can be a learning opportunity and this is mine, this is where I show myself, my children and my father what I am made of. Life's funny, it has a very poetic way of showing you everything you don't want to be or everything you desire to be in someone else...you just have to be aware enough to see it. I could hold a grudge, let him suffer alone and never turn around and know that I am justified because we have history and shared DNA isn't always enough to trump the pain...but what about the pain I have caused? I don't forgive him in the hopes it is offered to me on my death bed, I forgive him because that is the type of woman I have always wanted to be and when better to start. Now, I gave up grudges long ago, let go of garbage, let go of negative friends and family and walked right into my life. My father dying in front of my eyes has taught me more than anything else and has helped me become a better mother...maybe I owe him.

I drifted off holding my daughters hand and trying to make a mental note to get on a flight this week and head home...

Another Christmas XVII

We spent the entire day driving through the hills, walking the boardwalk in Venice Beach and eating some of the best tacos I have ever had. Kaila and her children spent the day doing their own things and I was relieved that after Trevor left she felt confident to go it alone since there was still so much for her to still see. We went back to the outlet mall and shopped around for a bit before meeting Kaila at the car rental drop off. I was ready to go home, we all were.

Kaila laid her carry on bags in a row and then flopped down on them. You could see the exhaustion in each of us, except the kids...the kids never seemed to run out of energy. We sat in a circle and enjoyed lunch together, reminiscing over the past few days and trying to organize the next few. I was leaving in just over a week to visit my father, he's back in the hospital. I rested my head on Dan's shoulder and closed my eyes...back to the depths of winter.

Another Christmas XVI

I was done, like completely fucking done with everything and everyone by the time 6pm hit. My feet hurt, I had zero patience left and was annoyed at the amount of people screaming at their children...how about if you're no longer having fun you pack your family back in the car and leave the happiest place on earth...that's what I did. How long does a four year old need there anyway? I'm good with the day and could use a large glass of wine and alone time...whatever that was going to look like with eight other people in the house. I swear to the heavens if I hear my name or 'mom' one more time from any person I am going to bounce my head off of the lamp post...why did I quit smoking?

Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it felt like that in the moment. By the time we were sitting in the car everyone was done with day so we decided on some In and Out Burger and a movie night back at the house. Kaila's husband, Trevor, leaves first thing in the morning to head back for work while the rest of us carry on and enjoy our last day before we head to the airport.

Another Christmas XV

I barely slept a wink. Not many people know this but I am a die hard Disney lover. It's not the movies, well not the new ones; it's the displays that cause the nostalgia that brings me back to my childhood. It's the vintage Disney that I get a sneak peak at, it makes me remember the Sunday evenings with my mom, dad and sister waiting to see what they would show for the movie, it's the musicals that my mother shared with us and my children...it's memories and really...what else do we have at the end of everything...memories.

I had the coffee brewing and was making toast like a breakfast ninja, we pile into the cars in less than an hour and I plan to spend the entire day in the Magical Kingdom. I packed my purse full of cash, granola bars and an empty water bottle...this girl does not pay $7 for water! My son has been to Disney a few times and in a few different countries so we were all excited for my daughter to experience her first visit.

Another Christmas XIV

I'm not the biggest fan of LA and can really take it or leave it but it works as a family destination with beaches, amusement parks, boardwalks, shopping and great food. We all piled into two cars and drove straight to an outlet mall so we could eat with several options for everyone and do a little shopping for the unseasonably cool weather. You could see the storm clouds roll in but no one cared, we were going to tour LA either way.

After hours of driving around, then walking around Hollywood and trying to accommodate everyone we decided to part ways. My family piled back in the car and headed for the Hollywood Hills while Kaila and her family bought tickets to the wax museums and all the other tourist traps my family has never enjoyed. I like travelling with people who don't need to be with me all fo the time and I knew from NY that Kaila was just fine going off on her own.

We ended up at LA Live where we enjoyed a great dinner followed by a police chase, on foot, which ended with the man running into on coming traffic and just out right beating the officers in an old fashioned foot race. His friends stood next to us and commentated so I wasn't surprised that the police gave up and let him run; I mean how much effort are they really going to put in to enforce jaywalking.

Another Christmas XIII

I was exhausted by the time we were finally settled into the house. We had a scare at the Vancouver airport when Kaila went out to have a cigarette and took all of her ID as well as her kids and left me standing in limbo not being able to go through customs and not being able to get back out. Finally after 30 minutes security located us and brought us to customs to meet her...it was a headache I didn't need or want. It didn't matter now anyway as all of the kids were fed and Trevor was on his way to the airport to pick up Dan...I imagine they will do a quick In and Out Burger run.

Kaila and I shared a bottle of wine in the back yard while the girls ran off there excitement of the day. It's a beautiful place in a quiet neighbourhood with an oversized yard. I heard the car doors close and gulped the last bit of my wine while Kaila finished her cigarette and poured herself another glass. Tomorrow we take on LA...

Another Christmas XII

3am came fast and it felt like I barely closed my eyes just as the alarms were going off. We arrived at the airport with time to grab breakfast and coffee before we boarded the plane. There was eight of us with Dan following later this evening. Luckily we were able to board first and get comfortable while we ate and discussed what we wanted to do for the vacation. It was already decided that our family's would not be always together, in fact other than sharing a house and a day at Disneyland, we all had different things we wanted to do with our respective family's...it was perfect. I hated the thought of going on vacations with friends and family only to discover they expect to be with you every minute of the day and agree on all activities...there is no way that happens effortlessly, and it's unnecessary.

I felt my daughter sink into me as she drifted back to sleep, we have a couple of stops before we arrive at LAX. I wrapped her up in my sweater and rested her head on pillow she brought. It felt great to be leaving the miserable cold weather...maybe this can be our tradition...for my family anyway. I reached back and held Kaila's hand while we taxied down the runway, I can feel her anxiety and see it in her face. I squeezed her hand for comfort then let my mind wonder.

Another Christmas XI

I was expecting my son and his girlfriend in the later afternoon, they were coming back to travel with us in Los Angeles. His girlfriend has been around since grade 5 so I invited her too and picked up the Disney tickets as a convenient gift. I was chasing my daughter around the house, her favourite game is when I pretend to be the evil step mother and chase her to clean up her things...she giggles the entire time.

I texted Kaila to confirm they would drive us all to the airport except Dan, he has to work tomorrow then will join us late evening. I threw the last of my things in a bag and placed it beside the front door, then chased her to make sure she's doing her own packing.

My thoughts keep moving to my father, it's difficult to ignore his circumstances and not at least try to find a way out...but there is only one way. I'm at that stage in my life where all of the adults I knew growing up are dying, aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends. My childhood feels like forever ago. I can close my eyes and remember how little I felt my father's arms, I was safe and loved, happy and whole, now I'm left with watching him slowly deteriorate and I am terrified that these memories will be what I am left with...at times I struggle to hang on to the others.

Another Christmas X

I called my father. I knew he would be at home alone feeling sorry for himself. I can't really blame him, sometimes depression feels like the only friend you have...especially when it is the one constant in your life. My sister didn't bother to go over and see him; she's likely tired of being turned down every time she offers anything. My cousins would have all called to invite him but I know my father, he would have said yes a month ago and just as easily blanked them today without so much as a second thought.

We caught up briefly, I checked in on his health and doctor notes and then told him about the kids and Dan and anything new. He always asks about my mother, I give him the condensed version and move past it. I wish he wanted more of his life, more than just sitting in a basement smoking cigarettes and drinking Diet Pepsi all day. He's dying, he knows it and I know...we all know it. Everything he has is in his apartment  and it's difficult to view that as anything but sad...he did so much in his life just to end up with nothing...I hope he lived.

I caught a tear trying to escape, I try not to cry for him anymore. He asked if I would come and visit, I agreed. Maybe next month when I'm in NY I could take the train up or a quick flight. I told him I loved him and hung up, I miss my father...the one who never gave up...

Another Christmas IX

It all took less than an hour. Kaila and her family showed up at 8am and together we helped the children find their way to their surprise. They screamed, cheered, laughed and jumped around, it was the exact reaction you hope to achieve when you put so much thought and effort into the perfect gift.

After they went back to their house we opened the rest of our gifts and started on breakfast. I loved holiday brunch, Dan goes all out and cooks anything we request. He has never been a fan of Christmas, apparently it was never been a big deal in his house but slowly he is coming around and I can almost see the holiday cheer in him these days...even without the rum in his eggnog. My daughter loves it, the more lights and decorations the better; we buy a couple new things each year to light up the house and yard.

I poured my second cup of coffee, walked over and sat down beside her while she was checking out  her new toys, I smiled as she held them up and showed me what she received...her beliefs and hopes are so pure and still in tact. I want to capture this because for a fleeting moment in her life...she has no idea that mom and dad are Santa...she still believes...

Another Christmas VIII

Kaila finished the Disney sign and was back in my house around 3am. We opened a bottle of wine and attempted to tape it to the television; it would be where their scavenger hunt ended. We decided to make it a game to build the anticipation, ending in front of the tree with 3 pieces of luggage, one for each girl along with some autograph books and a huge glittery sign covered in Disney. I always dreamed of this happening to me but it just never happened and that's okay because now I can do it for my children.

We sat on the couch with our feet up on the coffee table, sipping wine and taking in all of our efforts. Kaila has become like a sister to me, I love her like I have always known her. She has the ability to make my anxiety rest and in the wake of her own and together we have found a way to heal each other when it seems too much to do alone.

I hugged my friend and locked the door behind her. I walked up to my bedroom and crawled into bed beside my daughter. She rolled over and placed her hand on my arm, I placed my other hand over hers and drifted off...

Another Christmas VII

The days were filled with shopping trips, lunches and fun activities like skating and picking out our favourite decorations. I shop everyday on the last week leading up to Christmas, I always shopped with my mom for the holidays and I loved it every single year. I have so many wonderful memories with my mother, it makes me want to recreate them with my daughter and carry on the goodness.

Kaila and I were putting the final touches on our Disneyland trip for our families and trying to keep it all a secret until Christmas morning. I'm happy we're heading into the sun for New Year's, I can already feel the dreariness creeping up on me and the weight it holds. I placed a few more wrapped gifts under the tree and finished my glass of wine...Christmas changed for me and I just want it back...

Another Christmas VI

My son was almost done packing his things and I almost forgot how awful it was to not have him over the holidays. Things changed, now that he lives with me he spends the holidays with his father...it's fair, but that doesn't mean I necessarily like it. He's coming back shortly after Boxing Day and joining us for New Years in Los Angles. We made plans to head out with the neighbours for four days over the holidays, our family's have become so close it just makes sense. I love Christmas but it can be quite stressful as well and at times has left me feeling slightly depressed; especially after all of the lights are back in there boxes and the trees are ready for pick up...then it becomes dreary with long nights, short days and feeling the effects of cabin fever from an already long and cold winter.

I never cried on the way to the airport, I always waited until I was alone on the way home. I had a lot of practice too since up until university he didn't live with me and good byes were frequent. I decided that this time I would take my daughter and treat her to some Christmas shopping, lunch and a manicure...sometimes she is the perfect distraction.

He turned and waved to us before he went through security, I could feel my eyes fill with tears as I squeezed her close to me...it's only ten days...

Another Christmas V

I waved good bye for the last time, I won't ever see him again. I hoped seeing her grandfather wouldn't be too stressful and that his presence wouldn't cause her to ask a slew of questions about those grandparents...she never even looked up when he said good bye, relief washed over me. It's sad but what more could I do? I closed the door and got right back to my life...

Another Christmas IV

She was not in the Christmas spirit by the time we arrived at her concert. She looked tired, didn't want to wear her dress and was pissed off I put a bow in her hair...she had to have something festive. I left Dan with his father and wandered around to talk with the teachers and other parents, allowing for them to catch up and hang with my daughter before her grandfather leaves...only God knows for how long this time.

She refused to meet Santa and wanted to go home after her songs were sung...with an eye roll no less.  She's bored with this preschool so the second time around was even less fun. Dan jumped in his car and headed back to work while I drove the rest of us back to my house. I remember my father-in-law telling me after Dan hugged him and closed his door that he is the only son who hugs him...huh. He really is a good man and when I lived with them for a semester, when Dan was out of town, he became like a father to me too. He's intelligent and funny, mainly relaxed and always eager to help out with projects. Regardless, I need to be done with this, my door is open and they can always choose to walk through it but they freely choose not too...even when I am not in the country.

I am literally fighting my in laws so that they spend more time with my husband, their son, and my daughter, their granddaughter...I do it because I love my family more than I dislike them...and I have to wonder what I ever did to make them hate me more than love their own...

Another Christmas III

I treat his father like I do any other guest except it's mainly small talk. I don't really care, he's here to see Dan and our daughter so I do my best to keep a little distance and give him time with my family. He really is a nice man and other than hardly ever putting in any effort I have nothing to complain about. I made sure his room was made up and comfortable for his short stay. I invited him to my daughter's Christmas concert and packaged up a few pictures for him to take home...always remembering I do this for her.

I picked up my daughter from her last day of school before the holidays. I was taking her to lunch and then shopping for a Christmas dress. I thought of telling her that her grandfather would be visiting for the night but I'm not 100% sure she knows who I am talking about anymore so I let it go and moved on to asking about her morning. I think he needs to see first hand what has happened to their relationship. She never asks about them anymore so at the very least I can stop trying to excuse their behaviour.

One week a month I am in NYC, one week that they can come and see her and not have to even look at me...one whole week...where in the fuck have they been?

Another Christmas II

Dan called early afternoon to notify me that his father would be joining us for the night, he hasn't been to my house since June and before that I can't even remember. I never mind that they come, however I do mind that they come so infrequently. I don't understand how they can live so close and have seen my daughter a handful of times, which is because I would bring her to them. It's irritating and making me angrier with each passing month. I wouldn't stop them from seeing her but at some point they have to be okay with her not caring about them. It's become this crazy relationship where I don't want to see my in-laws or have anything to do with them...but I want them in my daughters life...so I am left fighting these people to have anything to do with their granddaughter and son. I'm angry...again.

"No problem, I'll make up the guest room for the night and you can invite him to her Christmas concert tomorrow". I always try to play nice when they actually make the effort to see their family...because ultimately this is their issue and not mine. I love my daughter and husband more than anything and for that I can tolerate anyone...I wish they felt the same. And I'm starting to wonder what stops them from coming...it cannot be me anymore because I live one week a month in NYC...and they still don't bother to see their son and granddaughter...it's them...it's all them...

Another Christmas

I loved this time of year, all the festivities leading up to Christmas and the New Year. It made me feel happy and renewed, it always had that impact on me right up until the second week of January where it always comes crashing down. The beginning of winter is beautiful and exciting with all of the holidays and gatherings but then when it's all over we are left with deep freeze temperatures, short days with extra long nights and the thoughts wondering if the cold and snow will ever leave. It's always like this in the winter where I live but for some reason after the tree comes down and the lights and other decorations get put away for the season the magic feels lost again and the routine returns.

I spent the next few weeks shopping and lunching with my daughter in the afternoons after she was out of school. We loved hanging out all day and wondering through shops, trying new foods and looking at all of the new cool toys that came out...not many were new so much as re-invented. I love watching her face light up when she sees the decorations or sings along to a Christmas song she's finally perfected. The holidays were in full swing and I was glowing...

New Friends XXXX

I arrived at the airport a touch early but that's only because they keep delaying my flight. My legs still ached a little but now it acted like more of a happy memory than a crippling pain. I went back through my pictures and sent my new friends a message to connect with me and then sent Joseph a lengthy thank you text. It was such a great time, definitely one of my best weeks in NY since I started coming. The best thing I ever did was throw out expectations and just decided that I would go with the New York flow, hoping it would lead me to someone like Joseph. We've had a great time and I don't see it slowing down or stopping...

I grabbed my bag and stood in line while they called out the zones for my flight. Back in three weeks...but as good as the week was...I can hardly wait to see Dan...

New Friends XXXIX

I felt better the second morning after the race, I stood in the shower for twenty minutes before bed in an attempt to relax my muscles. I opened the curtains and looked out over the Atlantic, it was beautiful and I was relieved my view wasn't of the city. Atlantic City is weird, if you stay on the boardwalk or in the casinos then it seems like a resort that is far removed from the poverty just across the street. The contrast of money over just a few blocks is shocking; dozens of homeless people when you look right and millions of dollars in yachts if you look left. I never used to talk to homeless people, well I wouldn't seek them out, but I would buy a coffee here or give a dollar there but more as a way to keep myself moving away from them. I spent a decade working with federal offenders in the community, at risk youth and a very large homeless population and now I don't really see a difference between where they are and where I am. Truly we are all just a few supports away from losing it all, some of us born into situations that gave us a better start, others born into extreme poverty left to find their own way out, many with undiagnosed mental health issues while others were left behind whether due to addiction or a bad run of luck. People avoid them and pretend to not see them, but I can't, and quite honestly I won't.

I remember walking through Port Authority on several occasions and needing directions of which bus to take, or where the bus to the airport is and each time it was a homeless person who led me in the right direction, not even the paid workers knew as much as these people. I was impressed with how much they knew, they have literally created a job for themselves and are very relevant to New York. I look around Atlantic City and can feel the hopelessness in the air, they don't have the massive tourism industry and are kept away from the Casinos, which is the only place for people who don't live there to go and visit.

I turned around to see Joseph with a cup of coffee for me and a tea for him, "want to go for brunch?" I was famished and woke in the middle of the night to a growling stomach, "yes please". I packed up and grabbed the complimentary bottles of water from both rooms and made a mental note to hand them out along with a couple of bucks or some food once we left the 'safety' of the casinos.

New Friends XXXVIII

We ate too much, gambled too fast and laughed until tears were flowing. My body still ached but I found it easier to ignore by my second glass of wine. We wandered around the casino and mall, people watching and staying lost in our stories. I was exhausted by the time ten o'clock rolled around; I laid awake most of last night trying to rub my legs but whining more than anything. He grabbed a few chocolates from Godiva's then stopped by the bar and purchased a bottle of wine before we made our way back upstairs.

He locked himself on his side of the adjoining rooms and taunted me with his treats until I threatened to order room service and leave him with the premium charge. I heard the door unlock and watched him poke his hand through with half a glass of wine...truce for now. We found an old movie we had both watched numerous times then listened to it play in the background while we chatted the night away laying in bed and eating over priced chocolate.

New Friends XXXVII

The ride down to Atlantic City seemed easier than when Karen and I did it. My legs were throbbing and aching, my feet still felt hot like they were burning and the rest of my body was limp and tired. We pulled up to the Tropicana and left the truck and luggage with the valet while Joseph checked in. I thought about Mike, but only for a split second, I hope he's doing good. Last I talked to him his life was in turmoil and his addiction was in full swing, it was exactly how he liked it. Joseph put his arm around me and pulled me out of my thoughts.

We made our way up to the rooms and made reservations at Carmine's along the way. I felt relieved that the race was behind me and I could just relax and have fun...I wish my body could remember how to relax. The rooms were connected and each had a king bed, they were identical but that didn't stop us from having an intense game of Rock Paper Scissors for who had first choice. We laugh at our competitiveness because it's playful and fun, there's nothing behind it that's negative...just good ole bragging rights.

New Friends XXXVI

I barely slept, last year I slept ten hours straight but now I was cramping up and writhing in pain trying to move my legs fast enough in bed to soothe them. I cringed walking to the bathroom with every muscle in my legs aching and screaming. I wanted to shower again and couldn't recall if I had to use hot or cold to lift the kinks so I went to find Joseph since he was an elite athlete back in Ireland and knows this stuff. The thought of getting into an ice bath wasn't exactly appealing but I needed anything to stop the cramping.

He grabbed a bag of ice that was about a third of my body size and dumped it into the bathtub then filled it with cold water; he had the ice ready to go for last night but I outright refused. I left on my underwear and sport bra so he could lower me in...if left alone I would never have the courage to just sit in ice water, I needed the push...literally.

It must have looked like he was trying to baptize a cat because I was holding onto shower doors and trying to not touch the water while clinging onto him until my fingers hurt. I lasted 90 seconds before I started crying and trying to jump right back out. He leaned back in through the doors and pulled me out after trying to talk me into letting it numb my skin and muscles but I couldn't, I could barely take a breath from the shock.

After I warmed up and had something we eat we each packed a bag...Atlantic City awaits...

New Friends XXXV

I stood at the bottom of the stairs and winced, my leg could barely lift high enough to reach the step. Joseph grabbed my bag from the truck and stood beside me laughing, knowing it was like climbing a mountain. I put my arm around his neck and he placed his arm around my waist then lifted me enough to help me take the steps up. I walked to the back of the house and flopped on the bed, I was afraid to take off my shoes because last year so much of my skin went with them and my socks. Last year my son had me sit in an ice bath for ten minutes promising that it would help me feel better in the morning...he was right but thought right now is almost too much. I sat up and unlaced my shoes until my shoes were able to open wide enough that I didn't have to slide out of them. Everything feels tight and I'd almost rather cut my clothes off my body then try and wiggle out of them. I have nothing left in me and wobbled when I stood, I sat back down hoping to gain strength. I heard a knock on the door and after a brief moment I answered...Joseph was standing on the other side with a large cheese pizza from just down the street. I'll eat then shower...Atlantic City in the morning....

New Friends XXXIV

We took a picture together with our medals and exchanged contact information then she went to find her friends while I decided if I was going to walk the extra half mile to get my things on Cherry Hill. I found a young woman that was volunteering and asked if I could grab them the next day otherwise they could keep whatever was in the bag...I barely remember. She was great. she flashed me a sideways smile and told me to sit tight while she ran to get them for me. I could feel every muscle in my body tighten and I don't remember it feeling this bad last year but perhaps that's because I spent an extra 25 minutes pounding the pavement this time. After I had my bag I had to climb two long flights of stairs then cross over and come down the other side and walk out Central Park West and it almost feels like a cruel joke to have stairs and hills at the end of the 26.2 miles and I was feeling less amused with each step. Thank goodness Joseph is picking me up and even he had to park on Amsterdam so there was another two to three blocks...I couldn't wait to take off my shoes and throw them in the garbage. I grabbed my phone out of my sports bra and texted Dan and my son, I became a touch emotional thinking about how I finished last year with my son cheering me over the finish line and I missed them. I had a text message from the woman who was supposed to run with us, she dropped out at mile eight and took the bus back to her hotel. I felt bad that she didn't finish but instantly happy that I didn't wait or stay with her because I would have likely hopped on the bus too knowing I was so far behind and feeling discouraged with each street opening.

Joseph was waiting on the corner for me and literally had to lift me into the truck, I had nothing left in me and was wondering how I was going to climb all the stairs to get into his house. Monica and her family were in the back seat and I was happy to see her and know that she crossed the finish line too. Joseph brought me chocolate milk and sweet treats; I was hungry and weak sharing the bag between Monica and myself...she didn't even look tired...wtf? We drove them to Chelsea and dropped them at their hotel. Last year we waited hours for a cab on the upper west side and I immediately felt grateful for Joseph and his kindness...he's a great man. The east side was almost all cleaned up and back to fully functioning by the time we hit the midtown tunnel. Gluten free can kiss my ass...I'm going to eat some NY pizza...

New Friends XXXIII

It was cold, I don't remember feeling this cold last year but I know I had my running shirt tied around my waist...I didn't this year. My new friend, Lindsay, untied the one around her waist and handed it to me so I could cover my arms but had to be sure not to pull it down to cover my number or I'd be disqualified. By the time we entered Central Park there was no longer talk of not finishing, this would be a done deal if we had to carry each other. I watched her hug her parents and could see the tears in her eyes...they will find out in a few short weeks not only how incredibly strong their daughter is but that they will be grandparents...I feel proud for them, and her. As we left Central Park and hit the street coming down Central Park South we made a pact to cross the finish line running side by side. I started to feel my own emotions rise remembering back to last year when I came around the corner in the final stretch and saw my son cheering me on and witnessing me cross that finish line. I looked at Lindsay and thought about the story she already has to tell her little one...it's sweet and beautiful. We passed Columbus Circle and entered the park for the last time...I could see the Canadian flag among the rest and swallowed the lump in my throat...400 metres to go, we smiled at each other and smiled for the cameras...

New Friends XXXII

It felt like I was lunging up the bridge, slow with long strides. I remember thinking, "How fucking long is this damn bridge?" but I didn't just think it I was also saying it out loud because I hear a little voice to the right agree with me, "I know I feel like I have been on it for hours." I looked over to a woman who looked to be a few years younger than me also struggling with the bridges. We laughed at our misery and introduced ourselves. She's a lawyer from Texas trying to fulfill a bucket list item by completing the NYC marathon. Her friends ran ahead when she couldn't keep pace any longer and she was feeling a little defeated. She had a time in mind during her training that she wanted to make or break and with every step she knew that she would most likely double that time. She found out last week that she is eight weeks pregnant and considered not doing the race but it would raise too many flags among all of her friends and family that came to cheer her on...I'm the only one other than her husband who knows she's pregnant. She made a few comments about just walking away because of her time but I did everything to keep her on the road, after all we already passed the halfway marker and were well on our way up 1st avenue in Manhattan. This stretch is brutal and last year I found myself getting emotional hoping for the end and knowing I still have ten miles ahead. My only goal this year was to beat my last years time but now, walking with my new friend who didn't even know if she could finish I threw out all of my expectations...I wasn't leaving her and we are crossing the finish line together. I couldn't leave her because if she fell or fainted no one would know she is pregnant, not that I took her on as my responsibility, we became friends and I wanted to support her in finishing her own race. My only real goal is to cross the finish line but if I can help her do it too then even better. "Listen, we're going to talk about quitting and finishing a lot in the next few miles but no matter what we are getting our medals." I started grabbing food from the crowd for her and we laughed at how on any other day we wouldn't be eating opened food out of strangers hands but once you get through the Bronx, arrive back into Manhattan and hit 5th Avenue...I'd eat just about anything.

New Friends XXXI

Monica stayed in our group even though she qualified for a faster one. The three of us lined up with thousands of others and waited for the signal to start. Last year I think it was a full thirty seconds before I was able to take my first step, it's overly crowded while crossing the Verrazano Bridge but once on the other side it's all open. The plan was to speed walk the entire race because the woman I was with couldn't run due to a hip but once it started the plans had to change. I wasn't prepared to run but I wasn't prepared to casually walk either, when she couldn't speed walk I had to pick up my own race and slowly I started to walk faster and faster until I was running...and today I had the legs. Monica was beside me and I continuously looked back for our co-runner but we lost sight of her and that shouldn't have happened if she was on the pace we agreed upon. I felt bad but I have to run my own race and I still need to finish. Eyes forward and we pushed on through Brooklyn running for ten minutes and walking for two, keeping pace with the running group around us.

By the time I hit mile ten I wanted to jump from a bridge, my heart was racing, I could barely catch my breath and my chest was feeling heavy again. I sent Monica ahead because I needed to walk and catch my breath but didn't want to mess with her run time. I kept a great pace, the pace I was going to start with. I was blowing by people and covering the pavement with each step I could walk faster than I could run. It was nice to be done with Staten Island and Brooklyn but once you turn that corner and see the Queensborough Bridge it's almost enough to suck the wind right out of you...it's brutal and intimidating but I know from experience that the half way marker is in the middle of that bridge and then the rest is just finishing. Sounds easy enough...

New Friends XXX

I was assigned to bus number 1, which I located about two blocks away from where he dropped me off. I found an empty seat near the front of the bus where most of the people were. Everyone was talking about their accomplishments, some were trying to run in under 4 hours, others were trying to break a personal best of 3 hours, someone raised almost a million dollars for the Team for Kids charity; this is the second year I raised money to run for the children of NYC. The gentleman across from me was going to be televised because this is his 6th major marathon this year and is being honoured for it. Then there was me, I finished 46,464th last year with a time of 6 hours and 5 minutes...I double checked my ticket to make sure I was on the right bus.

It took almost an hour even with police escort to reach Staten Island and the runners village. The girl I was running with from home found me about an hour after I arrived and together we went looking for Joseph's cousin. We had to leave our charity tent and head out into the sea of thousands of people and try to find one person...whom I have never laid eyes on. We stood at an intersection while I texted her the scene around me and hopefully from there be able to locate me...what a mess and my anxiety was only growing, which was making my bladder feel incredible small. I swear I pee every three minutes just from nerves around this run.

I hear, "Natalie?" from behind and turn around to see Monica.

New Friends XXIX

I sat with my feet up and on his daughters nebulizer for three days trying to rest and loosen whatever was attacking my lungs. I could barely breathe without coughing or having a coughing fit. My chest felt tight and my head felt swollen from pressure, either from the flight or from the sickness but I was uncomfortable and worried about my 4am wake up to get my bus in midtown. I was starting to smell like a medicine cabinet and Joseph was in the kitchen like a mad scientist trying to whip up some old family brew to try and help me sleep...I hope it has whiskey in it...he's Irish, of course an old family brew has whiskey.

The last thing I remember was listening to Joseph tell me about his cousin who is also running the race and is hoping to run with someone. I think I agreed because while I was getting dressed he was telling me her name and looks so I could spot her...amongst 50k other runners. I sat on the edge of the couch and laced up my shoes...this is my last one, I'm not falling for the runners high this time and signing up again...I hope. He handed me a warm tea, grabbed my bag and opened the door to the brisk morning. The drive was easy, I don't know that I have ever seen the streets this empty and I can remember seeing traffic jams at 3am going into the midtown tunnel...but this morning everything was still and quiet. My friend from back home was on a different bus than me and Joseph's cousin is taking the ferry across and somehow we will all meet up. I leaned across and kissed him on the cheeks to thank him for getting up at a god awful hour just to take me into the city. "I'll be on the west side to pick you up but I'll have to be two blocks over because of security". Oh yeah, I almost forgot how awful it was last year after I finished the race and had to wait for a taxi while trying to hold myself up. My son was with me...how would I have done this alone? "No problem, I'll text when I pass through the Bronx and have less than five miles to go". He smiled and tossed me a gluten free bar, "See you at the finish". Fuck I hope I finish...

New Friends XXVIII

We walked along the boardwalk and he doesn't know I was here before...with a different man. His name was John, he is Irish too. I'll tell Joseph but not right now. We walked back and forth watching the ships lights get closer as they approached the shore line and talking about football. The wind was warm but I felt cold after a day of tired travel so we headed back to the truck.

The drive back had far less traffic and we were in Queens before I knew it. He pulled my luggage to the top of the stairs then held open the door for me. Jospeh brought my bag to the master suite and lifted it onto his make shift luggage rack. I walked down the hallway just behind him and noticed he had a pile of his own clothes laid out on the bed on another room. Should I invite him to stay in his own room? With me? I never said a word and just kept walking. He placed two towels on my bed and closed the door behind him. I opened my suitcase and found some pieces that would pass as pyjamas then made my way to the shower.

New Friends XXVII

The pressure from flying was doing nothing to help me and my head was starting to feel as congested as my chest. I grabbed my luggage off of the belt and made my way outside to the meridian to wait for Joseph. He was already standing beside his truck, like an out of place Uber driver, when I walked through the sliding doors. He lit up when I caught his eye and I cannot say for sure that I didn't do the same. He placed my luggage in the back seat and opened the front door for me...he always does.

The construction at the airport was making leaving more than just a little inconvenient but we finally merged onto the Grand Central then on to the Meadow Brook Parkway and straight out to Long Beach. He decided to take me to dinner by the ocean, hoping the ocean air would help my lungs open up a little and offer some relief. I run in three days and I'm starting to wonder if I'll have to walk the entire distance. I laid my seat back and he opened the sun roof...the sky was clear and the stars were twinkling...it's a beautiful night for a drive.

New Friends XXVI

I woke with a heavy chest and swollen throat. I stood in the shower hoping the steam would help me be able to breathe with a little relief. The race was in just in a few days and my flight was only three hours away. I wanted to crawl back into bed and forget NY and the race, it was definitely a DayQuil day.

Coffee, vitamin C chewables, and DayQuil was about all I could stand to ingest throughout the day. Food was unappealing and difficult to swallow. I let Joseph know I was through security and on my way and informed him of my cold. He has a daughter who was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis as a baby and I don't want to infect his place and potentially make her sick...especially since mine is sitting right in my chest. I could always stay with Christine or Clarence but I did prefer Joseph's. I rested my head on the back of my seat and closed my eyes...42 kilometres is going to feel like a hundred.

New Friends XXV

I threw two pairs of sneakers into a bag and placed them in my luggage. I'm well overpacked but I have no idea what the weather will be like, how I will feel on the day of the race and I don't know what Joseph has planned for the rest of the time I will be there. I grabbed an extra purse and clutch, black heels and two pairs of skinny jeans...the rest was all running gear. I pulled my suitcase down the stairs and left it at the front door, Karen is picking me up at 4am to take me to the airport.

I made my way back up the stairs and climbed into bed beside my daughter. She's already made me promise to give her the medal when I cross the finish line so we each have one. I slid my hand into hers and kissed her plump little cheeks while I was breathing her in...I already miss her. It's funny, I always wanted a little corner of my life just for me but I'll tell ya...I don't think it's possible because I don't think I want a life where my children can't roam. I moved the hair from off of her face and closed my eyes hoping to sleep for a few hours...

New Friends XXIV

I was doing ten to fifteen miles a day and never made it to twenty before I had to stop training. I never train the week leading up to the marathon so I have fresh lags, or at least the hope that if I stop then I will be blessed with running legs on the big day. Some days I could run forever and other days I struggle to make it a mile.

I had been talking to Joseph and making plans for the week, why wouldn't I spend another week with him? In fact why wouldn't I spend any week I'm there with him? He likes my company, takes me around the city, we experience new things together, see the sites, eat at the best restaurants and go to the theatre...after the last few years I have had with dating in NYC...he may never escape me. I finally found someone who is serious about what I am looking for and that's just the icing on top; he is also kind, generous, genuine, funny and handsome.

I watched my phone light up as I laced up for an evening run, it was a snapshot sent from Joseph, but the picture was of Atlantic City, actually the picture was of the hotel I first met Mike in...Mike from Long Island. "I booked two rooms for after the race" was all the message stated. I wonder if I'll tell him the story of Mike and our meeting in Atlantic City...all of a sudden the world felt small...

New Friends XXIII

I spent the next few weeks trying to put as many miles on my shoes as possible in the hopes that somehow I would be ready for another 42km around NY. I started to run country roads because they were filled with hill and turns, it was nothing like running on a treadmill. I love the outdoors and took the dogs along for the run when Karen could tag along as well. I found out the other person I was running with stopped training months ago and I have to admit I was a little relieved that she would not have to wait for me if her running skills were superior. I heard a stat once that 99% of people who show up to run a marathon actually finish, I'm not worried because I crossed the finish last year and know I won't stop until I repeat it this year.

My flight had been booked for months and Joseph was quickly finding things for us to do over that week. He's happy to take me to my bus in midtown at 4am on race day if I want to stay out in Queens...and I just might. I threw my sneakers in the back of the car and open the latch for the dogs...we got 7 miles of hills today and a dead iPod...

New Friends XXII

For the first time in a long time my plane was leaving Laguardia on time. I arrived home happier, I knew I felt differently after leaving NY this time. It wasn't that I was in love or smitten but I was happy about Joseph, I really felt like this person could be part of my life...at least the New York side of it. I thought about the dinners, theatre, walks and conversations we shared over the past week along with the several weeks leading up to the week, almost like I was trying to find the crack in it all...the weak spot.

I watched my luggage come through on the conveyor belt and snapped out of my thoughts. I had become a little gun shy in the dating department after my time with John and as hard as I tried not to place every situation in that one box...old habits die hard. I texted Dan to that I was ready and immediately felt better...it's only supposed to work out with him so whatever happens with anyone else...just happens...

Podcast Break!

Greetings,

I wanted to take a break today from my story to share the podcast I was a guest on today. The show is called "Nerds with Words", two comedians interviewed me regarding my blog and soon to be book "Married and Single at the Same Time". I'm adding the link for any who would like to have a listen, it is also available on both of my Facebook pages.

Thank you so much for all of you who read about and support my journey...even if you don't necessarily agree with it.

http://traffic.cast.plus/5954b14b17c39e05f427a72f/traffic.libsyn.com/nerdswithwords/Episode_65_-_Natalie_Wanner.mp3

New friends XXI

We spent each afternoon walking Leena up and down the Brooklyn waterfront while he told me about the different buildings throughout the city that he has worked in and built...he's quite interesting. The night before I was due to fly home he took me to his favourite watering hole, it's not glamorous or flashy, it barely had paint on the walls. He had been coming here since he was 24 years old, it was the first place he had a drink when he finally moved back to America. The bar was damn near empty and quite dark. There's a couple dart boards in the back along with a pool table, you can gamble in your seat while you watch a game similar to keno and the jukebox is always playing. It's all Irish, and I wasn't surprised because I don't know that I have ever had any bartender in NY pour me a beer without an Irish accent and Maspeth was no exception. Every single patron was from Ireland except for me, not that there were many other people in there but Joseph mentioned it's an Irish bar in the sense that only Irish go there and noted that most places around that area are like that. We each picked 3 numbers and tried our luck, we picked some music on the jukebox then played darts while we watched and cheered for our numbers to come out.

We walked back to his place just after 4am and I was barely able to keep my eyes open. I flopped on my bed while he set alarms and checked flights...I'm a little sad I have to go home tomorrow but I am also excited that I get to come back...to someone...

New Friends XX

I had waited a long time to see Wicked so when he flashed me the tickets I squealed with excitement. Our seats were incredible and I swear we were dead centre in the theatre and there were no hidden spots on stage. We each had a red wine that was poured into a souvenir sippy cup and saved our appetites for after the show. We tapped our cups together as the curtain rose and butterflies filled my tummy...we're off to see the Wizard...

The show was incredible, Broadway is impressive and I could easily spend every night watching theatre. We walked out of the theatre already planning on all of the other shows we wanted to see and making future plans of who gets to pick next. I looped my arm through his and we walked side by side towards Times Square, laughing and dodging the stream of people coming our way. We found a little Mexican restaurant and got a table by the window; we ordered a bottle of wine and a few small plates to share...it's been a while since I have been on such a great date I almost forgot how fun they can be when you're learning about someone else.

New Friends XIX

We were spending the days walking along the east river in Brooklyn and staring across the water at Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. I would stop in Bedstuy and grab my friend Christine's dog Leena and take her for a walk everyday, she loved seeing the people and watching the birds cruise just above the water. We stopped by one of the soccer fields and watched a few players kick the ball around while others poured onto the turf...it's quite the view in the evening. I had never been to this area although I had walked across the Brooklyn Bridge with Dan a few years prior. Benches lined the pedestrian trail and people made great use of the path and the fields. You could see how the tourists were starting to branch out from more than just Manhattan being NYC; Brooklyn was finally getting the respect it deserved.

We found a little bistro in the open and just beside the bridge, they had bowls for pups along with a bar...Joseph and I had a beer and Leena lapped up some water and made friends with the poodle at the next table. Tonight we are going to Broadway...

New friends XVIII

I was still exhausted by the time we sat for dinner around 730pm. I went for a run around the neighbourhood and grabbed a late coffee in the hopes that it would perk me up, sometimes I forget the marathon is only a few weeks away. We went to a place called the Old Homestead, it was definitely an older and more refined crowd but I welcomed the quietness and red wine. Joseph may be blue collar but he knows food and wine better than most I have witnessed. He ordered the porterhouse for 2 along with some side dishes then requested a bottle of Pinot Noir to share over conversation. He looked nice in his button down shirt, blue jeans and dimples for days, he still has his boyish good looks but you can see the ruggedness just below the surface. He's a ginger but lost his hair decades ago, it almost makes me sad because I love a redhead but there are still signs of it and it's a nice reminder. We clinked glasses and exchanged stories throughout the night while we people watched out the window of the west side of Manhattan...this is the NY I have been thinking about...

New Friends XVII

We ordered pizza and decided to write the day off. We turned on some music and each sat in a recliner on opposite ends of the couch with the pizza and fresh bottle of wine between us. I watched his face turn back into happiness and I was happy he was able to leave his truth in the dark...he has had so many years of practice. I had so many questions but they didn't need to be asked today so I left them in my head and listened to him tell me a joke his father told him. He's charming and hilarious, he can barely tell a joke or story without bursting out laughing before he gets to the punch line and it's contagious...he's quite the catch. I placed my wine glass on the end table and wrapped myself back up in blankets hoping to doze off to the music and his memories. "I made us dinner reservations in the city". I opened my left eye to peek out at him, "that sounds lovely". I closed my eyes and drifted into a nap....I can't wait to hit the city.

New Friends XVI

"Listen, I didn't tell you my marriage fall out because I need or want you to feel sorry for me. I never asked her any questions, I couldn't, I was so angry I was scared to know the answers. Maybe I wasn't the best husband, maybe she hated me, maybe she used me to create the life she wanted, I don't know and everyday I try not to care. I am telling you my story because I want you to know that I have no intentions of getting back into anything serious again, at least serious enough to move in or get married. I know you have dated men in the past that have wavered in their words, my words don't waver". Wow, that was quite the distance to go just to show me he was serious in his profile that he doesn't want anything serious. But I can see why, many of the men I spoke to or went out with often changed what they wanted based on who they were talking to and what was available. I found it irritating and manipulative and at times made me think that I would just rather have random sex partners...but that scared me so it left me feeling a little handcuffed to old ideas and new realities.

"Natalie, you're married with children and not looking to change your family home. I'm telling you that one week a month suits me just fine and I have no interest in ever making that more time nor do I ever want you to change your circumstances. Your life works for what I am able to give and what I want, I guess I just wanted to show you my sincerity and what it is based on so you know it's not just words I speak but words I mean". I sat back and tapped my wine glass while staring outside the kitchen window. "I would like it if we could date that week you're in town. I love going to the theatre,  out to eat, concerts, travel and the New York I rarely get to see with someone I enjoy and hate doing alone". I looked across the island at him and smiled, "okay, let's give it a shot"...

New Friends XV

This should have been a lot more awkward than it was, maybe it was the shock or the fact that we spent so much time becoming friends before we even met, but I jumped right in as any good friend would. "Wanna get a beer?" He got up and opened the fridge, there were two beers left in the vegetable crisper, he cracked them both and handed me one. I threw my head back and took a long swallow before I placed it back on the island. I opened my mouth to talk and then lost all my words, it's almost ten years old...why did he keep it? "When I was in my early twenties my father got really sick and I left my landscaping business in NY to go and care for him in Ireland. I was there for six months sleeping on the floor of the hospital, bathing him, feeding him and entertaining him. I loved that man more than I could ever express and it destroyed me everyday while I watched him slowly die". I choked back a couple of tears and took another drink...I hope there is more alcohol in the house. "When he finally passed I was destroyed, he was my hero and best friend, he always did the right thing. I came home shortly after the funeral and picked up the life I left several months ago, got a job in construction and met my ex-wife". I wasn't going to ask any questions, he needs to talk and I am all ears. "I loved her, I trusted her and I always did it right, just how my father showed me. When she wanted to go back to school I helped her, I just didn't realize it was going to be eight years and over one hundred thousand dollars, but I still did it. The birth of my second child, first daughter, was very tough, she was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at ten days old...my ex had a break down. I don't blame her for that, I was fine rushing home for work so she could make it to school. But then things started to change after we had our third child, second daughter. I started to catch her in lies about money and where she was spending her days with the kids in daycare and her classes not until the evening. I followed her one day after I came off the night shift and found her in a Dunkin Donuts with a tutor, she kept it a secret because it was over eight hundred dollars a month. It has always come back to money Natalie. I never grew up with anything but I have always worked hard, I don't know why she stole from me, from us, when I was giving her everything I had". At this point I was standing at the wine rack pretending to read but holding back tears. "When I got that message by mistake it was like watching my father die all over again except over the years my fond memories of my marriage have slid into anger and resentment". No shit, I would have lost my fucking mind at that point. I grabbed the corkscrew and opened a Pinot Noir then poured the entire bottle into two glasses...I'm still in my pyjamas.

New Friends XIV

"Well?" He was sopping up the last of his egg with his under-toasted bread and I was completely done with small talk. He pushed his plate to the side and pressed the button for the kettle...I don't fucking want tea. "I want you to listen to something". He better talk fast because at this point the only thing we will be listening to is the door closing after my cab arrives, I can't stand this type of mental dance. He took out his phone and placed it face up on the counter, my impatience was overflowing and my body language could no longer camouflage my irritation. "It's a message I received almost a decade ago, I wasn't supposed to get this information but someone was sloppy". Now I was intrigued and slightly nervous, I don't want to be an accomplice after the fact. He hit play and I sat back in the chair with my coffee mug in my hand listening to this lady speak. She had an accent, it was clearly Irish with a touch of anger...or vengeance. He stared at the phone while I stared at him and together we took in her words, for me it was the first time but for him these words ring in his head every single day.

We sat in silence for several minutes while I listened to a woman tell someone else that she had been stealing out of her own marital bank account for the past 18 months and accumulated thousands of dollars. She went on to explain that she was secretly seeing a lawyer and found out that with three children her husband would have to give her upwards of ten thousand a month in child support and alimony. Her voice was cold, like a cackle of a witch when she was able to spit out the amount of money she had stolen from her own account and was now hiding in her brothers. My foot started to tap in anxiety and I could feel my heart race, I cannot even imagine how he felt the day he got off an 11 hour day in construction and checked his messages. The phone beeped and the message stopped...the silence was deafening...

New Friends XIII

I woke to that same fucking dog on the back step barking away at something...or nothing. We had a late night of Irish pubs in Queens while we shared stories of our children and other corners of our lives. He has three children, all are teenagers, and has been divorced for over seven years. He had two serious relationships after his divorce, both ended badly. One struggled with alcohol and the other treated his children with contempt for existing. He figured out after those two women along with his ex-wife that he would rather be single over having someone around just for company. I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard something hit the floor and break, Joseph must be up. I threw my hair in a bun and brushed my teeth while I tried to stare the dog down and hopefully he would go some place else to howl...it didn't work.

I found Joseph under his kitchen table with a dustpan and sweeper, "Waddya break?" I must have startled him because he cracked his head on the table when he heard my voice, "A wine glass fell off the shelf smartass." I walked over and grabbed a coffee pod and a piece of bacon, "breakfast is already on the table, didn't you sleep?" By now he was standing at the island just a few feet from me tying up a bag with the broken glass inside. "I tossed and turned most of the night." He sounded distracted and the more I studied him the more I could see it, something is definitely weighing on him. I could feel my eyes roll and voice sigh at the thought of another man who wants to be my NY lover but just can't get over my marriage or lifestyle...it's not like I don't give this information up front, GRRRR! I sat down and started to fill my plate, if he's going to give me this speech I want to make sure I've eaten so I have all of my energy to rebook my hotel and move into the city. Beside I'm used to this, everyone likes the sound of my life and being the NY part of it but when it's all there it's a different pill to swallow for some reason. Oh well...pass the bacon...