Home...The Other One VIII

It was after nine when I finally said good night to my father and his nurses. I walked down the long hall back to the elevator in a haze, thinking I'd come back in the morning to speak to the doctor and find out what I'm looking at. I was exhausted, hungry and emotionally bankrupt functioning on autopilot and sick I'd have to leave the veil of the hospital to step back out into my nightmare...I hate this town. When the doors opened I walked out into the cafeteria that was just closing and thought about grabbing a coffee but passed it up and walked towards the exit. I heard someone calling my name but didn't turn around, its probably a different Natalie. I made my way out into the parking lot without any direction of what to do next, I didn't even have my suitcase.
"Natalie?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around.
"Joseph, you're still here?"I was confused.
"I stayed incase you needed a ride or a friend."
"Oh, thanks but I'm not sure where I'm going just yet. How was fishing?"
"I didn't go, maybe tomorrow. Want to get a bite to eat?"
"How about a drink?" I didn't have much of an appetite.
"How about both?"
"Okay."

After our drinks arrived and we ordered food we sat in complete silence, not awkward or tense...just comfortable silence. I reached over and placed my left hand on his arm and gave it a light squeeze, it was nice to have the company...I'm glad he came along.

Home...The Other One VII

I watched him sleep for a few more hours, tidying his things, making sure he had something to drink and eat when he woke and hoping anything in his condition changed...if only to bring him home to die. Its dark outside and lonely inside; a nurse comes in every now and then and maybe a janitor. I remember after giving birth to my son when I was just 19 years old and it was the end of November, it got dark before 5pm and the postpartum would come on strong. I hated the nights and the loneliness it brought with it. I had never even been overnight after my own birth and I remember clearly how absolutely alone I felt while I cared for my son. Now, I look out the window and feel the same feelings but it's different, I'm older and can come and go as I please...but he cannot. We share this now, this realization of sadness and loneliness, it keeps me by his side.

There is a beginning and there is an end...and in between we discover who we are and hope to leave a legacy...I am his...

Home...The Other One VI

After four straight hours of watching nurses poke him and doctors come and go with little to no hope to offer, I waited for him to fall asleep and then went to find air. Erin left about an hour after I arrived, his other daughter never bothers to even call to see if he is dead or alive and I can't sit here another minute...I need a time out.

I walked out into parking lot and looked around; I can spot the beach I learned to swim, the one my parents would take us to on a daily basis in the summer. I can see the extra large science centre I loved going to on school field trips; my father hauled every single one of those boulders to keep it above the water line and he is damn proud what he brought to that. No matter how far back I walked into my childhood, it just doesn't feel like home anymore...I'm visiting ghosts. I walked to the far end of the parking lot where the tree line starts; I have no idea where I am going to go from here and I have no idea how to even get there. His slow death is starting to make me feel lonely...I can't imagine what it's like for him. I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and walked back to the hospital; I don't know what's worse, having one of the only seats to watch my father suffer or having to do it in my own personal nightmare by having to be home...

Home...The Other One V

My cousin Erin was in with my father when I arrived, he has been taking of my dad since his last extended hospital stay. My dad has another daughter that lives in the city, close to him, but she refuses to help as long as he refuses to go into a home...he doesn't qualify for a home, and has begged me not to let him go to one. She's upset she can't control him, I'm upset she won't just let him live out the rest of his years in peace and he's upset she doesn't have anything do with him anymore and can't understand why...well, neither can I. I handed Erin my coffee and placed my father's tea on the little table by his bed. He was awake but confused, looking through me rather than at me, it'll come to him but it still rattles my cage to have to see him like this. He decided to die a long time ago and watching hasn't been fun but it has been enlightening. I walked over and held his hand until his face started to twitch and who I was sunk in, "Patty?" Well, close anyway, "No dad, it's Natalie." Tears streamed down his face and Erin walked over to the window to give us a few minutes of privacy.
           "Are they going to put me in a home?" it was literally his only fear.
           "Nope, no need to. When you leave here I'll just take you back to your place." I tried to be as casual as possible. I had no idea at that point what their plan of action would be.

I held his hand and sat down in the chair next to him waiting to see the doctor. You can see his exhaustion and how little he takes care of himself; I made a mental note to call for more supports during the day so he doesn't have too many hours alone. I know he's dying but I just can't bring myself to say good-bye...I don't want my dad to die...

Home...The Other One IV

You can see the smoke billowing out of the smoke stacks from miles out of the city and my anxiety clutched my gut. Joseph was whistling away to some Irish song, completely oblivious to how much I absolutely hate going home. I still know my way around the city, it seems so much smaller than I remember; the long walk up the hill to the convenience store was now only about a block away and I could cover that much ground in a couple of minutes...but back in the day it seemed to take forever. The laundromat my mother used to go to is just down the block next to the Polish market and other than everything looking a little worse for wear not much had changed and that felt sad to me.

We pulled up to the hospital and I asked Joseph to wait for me; I thought about telling him to go on but I wasn't sure what I was walking into...my father has been dying for quite some time. He parked in the almost vacant lot and walked in with me. We each grabbed a coffee and I ordered my father a tea and Diet Pepsi...those along with cigarettes are his staples of nutrition. We were standing at the elevator watching the floor numbers count down when he looked over at me, "Want me to come up with you?"I smiled but shook my head no, I wanted him to come with me but I don't know what the other side of the door holds for me and right now I want to do it alone. "No problem", he pointed to a chair in the corner, "I'll be over there when you're done and we can get something to eat." I nodded again, this time in agreement. I gave him one last smile as the elevator doors closed...shouldn't he be fishing?

Home...The Other One III

He woke me when we pulled into the driveway, "I'll get your luggage and meet you at the top of the stairs," he whispered. I slowly fell out of the truck and tried my best to stretch out and wake up a little. I pulled myself up the stairs and walked by him to flop down on the lazy boy, I can barely keep my eyes open. I closed them and drifted off to sleep for a few more hours.

When I woke I couldn't see Joseph in my line my vision. "Hey! You around?" I shouted, I wanted a glass of water but my legs fell asleep and now the tingling feeling was beginning to hurt, or irritate...either way I couldn't stand up without wanting to bang my legs against the wall. "Yeah, I'm back here packing a bag, what do you need?" Packing a bag? I leaned over the edge of the couch and seen him coming down the hallway towards me with a duffle bag in his hand. "Where are you going?" I had no idea he had other plans. He dropped his bag at the door then grabbed me a bottle of water. "I'll take you up to see your father and I can fish at a lake for a few days." Ugh, I almost forgot I was heading home to see dad. Sometimes the places I grew up make their way into my dreams and I miss the little park at the end of my block where I learned to swing all by myself, or the corner store that dad used to take us to for movie rentals on a Friday evening, or our favourite pizza place that we ordered from at least once a week...but being there was completely different, it never felt as good as in the dream. "Don't be silly, I'll fly there and save you the drive. Besides it's not fun, it's more of a sad place now." For me it was anyway. "I'm going to go fishing and can keep you company. It's not a big deal and maybe I'll finally get to see a moose." He wasn't a fan of just 'googling' it like I recommended. "It's a shithole." He looked over and shrugged his shoulders, "either way you have to go so let's do this and we can stay in Niagara afterwards. I've never been there." He continued to pack a cooler full of drinks and snacks all while whistling away like we're going on some fantastic road trip...man, is he going to be disappointed. I stood up from the couch and stretched until it ached, "fuck it, let's go." I've never been a fan of going home and even less so when I have to do it alone, if' he's willing to come along for the ride then I'm going to do my best to make it fun...or at least tolerable. 

Home...The Other One II

I took the redeye into LaGuardia and waited for Joseph to pick me up. I was thinking I would do a short flight up for 3 days to make sure dad is okay then come back and finish out a couple days in the city and hopefully make my writing class. I was exhausted, to the point of nausea. I wanted to shower and lay down for about eight hours, although even if I got three I would be a brand new person.

He pulled up right in front of me and I didn't even notice, I must have drifted off. He got out and threw my luggage in the back of his truck then opened the door for me...he always opens the door for me. He climbed in the drivers seat and handed me a bottle of water, "how was your flight?" I took a long swig, rested my head on the seat and closed my eyes, "not too bad, just tired."I could barely function and was doing everything not to catch my fifth wind of the night. He reached across and squeezed my hand, "breakfast or bed?"...I was already asleep.

Home...The Other One I

By the time we all got home, unpacked and climbed into bed I already had three calls about my father. I've developed a sensitivity over the past couple of years since we opened or marriage, some things in my thinking have shifted and changed forever. I've learned to let go, knowing I have not always made the best decisions, knowing I have caused pain, lied and gossiped...and I know the road to forgiveness can either be blocked, riddled with obstacles or an open road...I want mine to remain open. Every moment can be a learning opportunity and this is mine, this is where I show myself, my children and my father what I am made of. Life's funny, it has a very poetic way of showing you everything you don't want to be or everything you desire to be in someone else...you just have to be aware enough to see it. I could hold a grudge, let him suffer alone and never turn around and know that I am justified because we have history and shared DNA isn't always enough to trump the pain...but what about the pain I have caused? I don't forgive him in the hopes it is offered to me on my death bed, I forgive him because that is the type of woman I have always wanted to be and when better to start. Now, I gave up grudges long ago, let go of garbage, let go of negative friends and family and walked right into my life. My father dying in front of my eyes has taught me more than anything else and has helped me become a better mother...maybe I owe him.

I drifted off holding my daughters hand and trying to make a mental note to get on a flight this week and head home...