The New Character I play in This World III

I was awake but wasn't ready to open my eyes just yet.  I could hear Dan in the shower and the dogs pacing but I just wanted to lay here and bask in my laziness.  It didn't last long though, I could hear a soft sound in front of me and when I opened one eye my daughter was standing beside me sucking her thumb and holding her blanket, "mama up?"  I grabbed her and lifted her in beside me for some morning snuggles before breakfast.  This little girl has a huge personality and I get so excited every time she learns something new or shows a new side of herself.  I remember visiting my son every week and noticing the changes and growth, over time I trained myself to be excited for him rather than sorry for myself.  These days she talks non stop and although it can be exhausting it's amazing how much I learn about her and myself...I didn't know that I liked the colour green so much or that there are no rules to colouring.  Her imagination is incredible and I love watching her lay out her thoughts.  I thought of putting her into some classes because she likes to create but I would hate for them to control her creativity rather than let it run wild.  Dan thinks she is just like me, that used to scare me but now it excites me.  She won't have a 35 year learning curve and she won't have embarrassment and shame for being different and she won't care what others think because she will pave her way and not follow yours.  I have done the work to iron out my own kinks and fears around my false insecurities and I'll do everything I can to ensure she doesn't have that baggage and never puts herself in a cage.  The father's of my children have offered a stability and security I was never able to give; they gave them roots and a strong sense of home, and I...I will give my children wings to soar...

The New Character I Play in This World II

I was excited to get home and back into my family life.  It's funny that I don't have the desperate desire to escape anymore and instead look forward to hours of playing, shopping and being at home with everyone.  I have left the people that refused to understand my position and never looked back I don't want to create space for them or others like them.  I'm not angry so much as relieved that they don't exist in my other life and I only have to see them sporadically on this side.  Everyday I can feel me becoming more like the woman I want my children and husband to be proud of and look up to and it is happening before my eyes.  It's not always easy, sometimes the old insecure Natalie pops up and I can feel a twinge of guilt but I know that is an old habit and it doesn't belong to me.  I still don't want the traditional family home that bores me to tears and in fairness neither does Dan so we have been working on adjusting our lives to live the way we like.  Every now and then I can still feel a small void in my life and although I know what it is I just don't know where to start with it, but it's exciting and funny that Dan is doing everything possible to help me along the way.

I crawled into bed beside Dan and I am exactly where I am supposed to be and thank the universe everyday that it made him just for me.

The New Character I Play in This World I

I have to give credit where credit is due and I know that my first step was only ever a thought and would never be taken without my incredible co-pilot.  I have heard about amazingly strong men who have loved unconditionally but until I met Dan those men were merely stories.  My husband held my hand every time I walked that plank, he nurtured me, loved and cared for me, took care of the house and children, and never left my side.  My life was always mine and so were the choices within it but until Dan I never had the strength to test it all out and find my own path.   He never once made this about him nor did he ever play a guilt card or do anything other than encourage me to find my way.  I can hardly believe how perfect my life is now and happiness is something that lives in me and around me.  I know longer look to you for approval or guidance and it's the most freeing feeling I have felt.  I could never imagine not living my own life or at least a version of it that allows me to soar and grow...if you are unable to follow your dreams then I hope with everything in me that you at least get your own Dan to make the trip worth while.  

Three and a half hours till I touch down at home and I have butterflies for the first time in years...I love that man...

The Phoenix XXIII

I found my seat on the plane and settled in.  I know longer have the anxiety around flying or the confined feeling of life.  I look out the window and view this city as my second home and it's a dream that has become my reality.  I spent so much time trying to fill a void using other people and forever feeling lost and alone.  Wondering around life trying to fit into this mold everyone else seemed to thrive in and love.  I was following and chasing someone else's idea of happiness and trying to use someone else's formula to feel whole and full in my own life.  I followed a path that was handed down to me, one that I had seen and was modelled through almost every person I crossed paths with and no one ever really knew I was a fake.  Like a sheep that just walks with the rest without ever looking up and trying to see if there is anything else out there; you grow up, you get married, you have children, and that is happiness...not for me, well not just that anyway.   It is only now as I sit on the plane that I realize that my husband and children could not fill the void; they make me very happy and I am in love with each one of them but they could not take away the loneliness.  The last several months have been this incredible journey for me and I have found my missing puzzle piece.  Once I let the little girl out of her cage I was finally able to continue on with my life and dreams because mine never really went away so much as haunted me; I feel whole, confident, strong, unstoppable and still quirky.  I don't have any guilt around wanting to still fulfill my dreams and I hope that my children view this as a sign of strength and follow what I have modelled because they will always matter and be significant in their own right and not because they are attached to someone else.   Being a wife and mother is only part of who I am, I am also a writer, traveller and runner...

The Phoenix XXII

I looked out the window this morning and it was cold and the streets were just starting to fill with people.  I wondered around my room and slowly picked things up and dropped them into my suitcase, it was time to go home and to be honest I was really looking forward to it.  I missed my family and already had flights and hotels booked to be back in six weeks with my friend Tracy.  David and Vince both texted to see if I wanted a ride to the airport but I declined, I have come to enjoy the taxi ride.  I took a minute to appreciate how different my life is now and the work I had put into ensuring that I too was different; it would be pointless to change the picture if you didn't also change the way you looked at it.  I feel confident in myself, like I could stand alone if I had to and that is the best feeling I have ever had in regards to my own evolution.  I'm sure of myself and the new belief system I am slowly building, every day I get to choose my life and each day I am exactly where I want to be.  There was a time when I wasn't always sure if my marriage would be able to withstand me shaking its foundation but now...now I have no worries.  I always knew in my heart that Dan and I were different, not from one another but from everyone else, and I always told him he was created just for me.  Our marriage has always been perfect, and today is no different...regardless of my NY life my heart and soul is wherever Dan is on any given day.  I grabbed my bags and made my way to the elevator, now I get just as excited to go home as I do when I come to NY.  I stepped off the elevator and handed my keys to the front desk while George took my suitcase and secured a taxi to LaGuardia...six weeks till I'm back in NY and I'm going to love every minute at home until I leave again...

The Phoenix XXI

It was around 10am when I looked at the clock and it sure felt like I slept longer than six hours but I felt great.  I started my morning routine by turning on the weather channel, making coffee and hopping into the shower.  I still needed to find a bag to bring all of my new purchases back and I think today I will go and see my old friend Lady Liberty.  I haven't been down that way in forever and sometimes I like to go and sit on the bench and stare at her.  I remember the first time I seen her and it was breathtaking and beautiful; I'd seen her so much on television but nothing can compare to the real thing.  I enjoyed hearing the stories of when people immigrated to America how she was the first thing they seen, the symbol of promise and freedom and how it must have felt for them when they seen her come into focus after days on a boat.  New York has so many incredible stories and people it's hard not to want to lose yourself in the rich history.

I put on my running gear; it's fifteen miles round trip to Battery Park and today is a beautiful day to walk and breathe in everything I have come to love of my second home.  It always amazed me when I heard New Yorkers say they had never been over to see her and many from upstate have never even laid eyes on her...I guess we all tend to take some little things for granted.  I'm just now learning that the little things are what what the bigger picture more beautiful; I am seeing that in my relationships and in my everyday life.  I stepped out of the elevator and into the full lobby of people trying to check out; George handed me an apple and opened the door...I love being a New Yorker...

The Phoenix XX

David looked just like his pictures and was exactly the way he had always presented.  He must be new to the force because he hardly seems jaded by life.  He has a daughter and loves his career, not surprisingly divorced and just looking for someone to go out with when he has free time.  We had a quick drink and jumped into his car to head to Queens, we were gonna go shoot pool and he offered to show me around the borough which is cool because all I had ever seen of it before was the pub I met Vince in...and I guess I drive through to and from the airport.  

We pulled up to the place and it was sketchy at best; I wondered if he carried a gun too.  I relaxed a bit when I realized he was fairly well known there and even put my purse down after a few minutes.  We had another drink and played a few games while we talked about our lives and I liked hearing about him.  He was a military kid that eventually joined along side family members then left to become an officer and never looked back.  He really seemed to like talking about his career and daughter, and not in a braggy way...he was proud and I was happy for him.  We settled up with the bartender; I was itching to see Queens.

It was almost 2am when we started the tour which was perfect because it was like a ghost town, hard to believe this is part of New York City since Manhattan is always lit up like a Christmas Tree and even at 4am you can hit gridlock.  We drove around and he showed me where they filmed Coming to America, the area for the inspiration for The King of Queens, we went through Astoria and even did a little drag racing down the main strip when we finally met another car.  I imagined, or maybe hoped, that David would turn out more like Mike, the cop, rather than John.  

It was after 4am when I finally crawled into my bed, it was a great day and tomorrow is my last one before home.  I laid awake for a few minutes and loved that I missed my family...I'm ready to go home but I won't bitch about another day in the park...

The Phoenix XVIIII

I got back to my room around 6pm and flopped on my bed.  I spent four hours in Central Park drinking coffee, walking and people watching.  I walked over to 5th Avenue and dreamed of the penthouses and the views they must hold.  I walked to the top of the park touching Harlem and walked west to Columba University and found a nice spot to take in the area.  As beautiful as the Upper East Side is, my heart was stolen by the west.  In comparison one is almost sterile and posh while the other is filled with eclectic culture, beautiful brownstones, boutiques, bistros and everyday people; but truth be told, I love them both for their own unique beauty.  I stopped in at the Seinfeld cafe for a coffee; I already know the food is less than amazing and then very slowly made my way back to my hotel.  I grabbed another coffee at Starbucks when I finally reached Columbus Circle; I sat inside and enjoyed their free wifi for a while.

I looked around my room and realized that with all of the shopping Carl and I did that I would need to buy a carry on as well.  I figured I could go out tonight for dinner and maybe a little shopping in the square and find something to bring home all my new things.  I changed my clothes, freshened up and made my way back to the elevator.  I felt my phone vibrate in my purse, it was my friend David, a police officer from Jersey I met online.  "Hey Natalie, I'm in the city if you want to get a drink".  I wanted to spend the day alone, but he is already in the city and I would like to meet him..."sounds good, I'll meet you in the West Village in an hour".  I went back to my room and changed my shoes, I decided to walk down and enjoy the streets.

The Phoenix XVIII

I woke feeling refreshed so I made a coffee and jumped in the shower.  My only plan for the day was having a late lunch or early dinner with Vince, but until then, I was going to throw on my running gear and head for the park then walk down the upper west side and have breakfast and coffee.  I loved being out of the heart of Manhattan and in the neighbourhoods wondering around with all the people who were living my dream.

I looked out the windows as I enjoyed my coffee and tried to reconnect to wifi.  The streets were already filling with people and the city never fails to pull me under her spell.  I love the feeling I get when I am in NY and it helps me love being at home too.  I feel a better balance in my life and my soul.  I don't look out my back window anymore wondering 'what now?'; I just took some time in my life to make it mine.  I finally have something that isn't attached to anyone else and I love it, I don't feel guilty for wanting and having a piece of my life.  I think my greatest accomplishment though is no longer caring what others think of my single life.  At some point you have to grow up and realize that we all don't have the same wants and desires nor to we share the same beliefs and that is okay.  For 35 years I tried my hardest to live and look like the 'norm' but I just can't do it and I'm not willing to.  I love my life and every single day I wake up I am exactly where I want to be whether I am next to Dan or in my hotel in Manhattan and I have no shame or guilt in that.  My complete freedom allows me to choose my life every day and watching the routine melt away has been a comfort I can barely explain.  My autopilot is broken and I am completely engaged in every part of my life...I am living the exact life I want.

I grabbed my phone and cancelled lunch with Vince, today I just want to be alone and it's beautiful that this is an option for me.  I reached the lobby and took an apple off the front desk before the doorman held the door for me.  I had the entire day to myself and I think I'll take tomorrow for myself too.  I turned up 7th and made my way to the park dodging tourists and vendors like I had been doing it for years.

The Phoenix XVII

As the last comedian took the stage I could feel my second hangover start to kick in and I knew my Advil was back in my room on the nightstand from the night before.  West Virginia was on the brink of being trashed and I almost thought I was dreaming or hallucinating when he looked over at Vince and offered to sell him marijuana.  This may be the best thing I have ever witnessed, other than the birth of my children of course.  For a minute I was able to ignore my brain pounding on my skull and barely felt my jaw hit the table.  My eyes must have looked enormous as I slowly looked from West Virginia to Vince who was now standing and looking furious.  I know he won't tell him he is a cop and the other guy doesn't know he just tried to sell drugs to an off duty detective and I hope I'm not dreaming because it's so funny I can't even believe I'm watching this.  Vince throws him a glare, "I don't do drugs".  Tears were rolling down my face as West Virginia tried to explain to the cop that marijuana isn't really a drug and that it's close enough to being legal and he should 'give it a try'.  It took a minute for it to register that he was trying to pressure Vince into getting high with him and I wished more than anything that Dan could be here to witness this with me.  West Virginia was too drunk for social cues so I politely leaned over and explained that he should leave otherwise he would need to explain to his family how he tied to sell drugs to an NYPD.  He sobered fairly quickly, apologized and grabbed his jacket; Vince was more than irritated and I couldn't stop laughing.

We walked outside and waved down a cab.  Vince wanted to go out for more drinks but I was done for the evening.  I hugged him and jumped in the cab alone, I'll see him tomorrow for a late lunch and right now I just want to crawl into my bed, eat my Advil and sleep forever.

The Phoenix XVI

I met Vince in the lobby ready to hit the town, but still a little hung over from the night before.  We jumped in a cab and headed to the East Village for sushi, drinks and comedy.  I try to forget that he carries a gun even to dinner, it must feel like part of him after this many years.  We hit gridlock on Madison and 33rd and I tried my best to convince him to walk the rest of the way...apparently New Yorkers don't like to walk miles upon miles a day, I think it's the best way to see the city.

We pulled up ten minutes late for our reservation but the table was still open and the restaurant was amazing; I made a mental note to take Carl next time.  Vince had never eaten sushi before so I helped him out and encouraged him to get a bento box since it's like sushi for beginners.  We ordered some beers and recapped our days.  I have no idea how I can even consume alcohol after last night but it's going down great so I'm along for the ride.  It wasn't long into dinner that I realized how little Vince and I have in common, other than our work we had very little to talk about and I prefer to not talk about my family.  I was grateful we would be in a comedy show for a couple hours and wouldn't have the opportunity to talk much.  I ordered another beer...I tend to be chatty with alcohol.

He paid the bill while I waved down a cab to take us to the cellar.  Within 15 minutes we were in our seats with fresh drinks in our hands and talking with the others at our table...thank god for community seating.  The guy next to me was middle aged, from West Virginia and had clearly never been to the big city.  He was on his third drink before the first guy took the stage and was well on his way to being thrown out.  Luckily when the lights dimmed so did he...or so I thought.   This club is well known for hosting the biggest comedians on any given night and tonight was no different.  I was pretty excited when John Mulany took the stage but not nearly as excited as West Virginia who literally picked me up and shook me.  He apologized and set me back on the chair, I giggled more at his excitement than my own.  After a great set they announced Aziz and I could hardly believe it when the guy snatched me out of my seat and started shaking me screaming 'Aziz, Aziz'.  Vince looked less than impressed at this stranger man handling in a drunken state.  He finally put me down at the comedians request and I slowly moved farther away from him and continued to enjoy the amazing talent of people I watch on television.  The next comedian they announced should not have surprised me as much as it did since I stood with him in Times Square just a couple of nights prior.  When they announced him I could feel West Virginia staring at me...what the hell...I jumped out of my seat too and we bounced around together...it's not everyday you get to see Damon Waynes test out his new stand up.

The Phoenix XV

I started walking back to my hotel with some shopping bags and Carl had already texted me, he is so comforting to my soul.  Vince was taking me to dinner and a comedy show this evening so I decided to drop my things at my hotel and then walk through Central Park with a coffee; it was beautiful in the winter and I enjoyed getting lost and looking at the city from a distance.

When I walk up 7th past Times Square the city almost slides away and you can slowly see the transformation.  One day when I live here Dan and I will rarely go into the heart and instead enjoy the  parts many never venture to.  I often wonder what it would be like to be a New Yorker and if it is as incredible as I painted it in my thoughts.  I have learned through life that I prefer the anticipation and journey more so than the destination...NY is my one exception to that rule, well that and going to see my son.  It just feels right, like I belong here and it gives me the feeling of home, I hope it offers the same to Dan.

I found my favourite part of the park; its a walk way lined with benches and large trees.  I sat in the middle and crossed my legs on the bench while I drank in the skyline and watched people walk by arm in arm.  It has always been my dream to live in NY but recently it has evolved into a goal...I'm slowly building a life here and the realization fills me with an excitement that was starting to feel foreign.

The Phoenix XIIII

Ugh, I hated this part.  After lunch I already know we will grab a coffee and tea and slowly walk to the station and I wish he would stay longer but I'm so grateful he makes the trip I try to push the issue.  We know every dark corner of each others lives and that quite possibly is the glue that binds us.  I have nothing but freedom with him and I love that he is part of my NY life and that I can easily pull him into my home life as well.

We stood outside for a few minutes, more for my benefit than his.  I want him to stay and he knows it so he lets me down easily.  I can feel my phone buzzing non stop so I hug my friend, wish him safe travels and send him into the station...I can't help but watch him leave...I know he'll be back though.  I feel that Carl gives me back the part of my life...before my daughter.  It makes me feel sick to even think about it; I would never wish away my family and I love her like I do my son and I am so utterly grateful to be blessed with that beauty.  But sometimes...I miss the Dan and I that lived before her...please don't think badly of me...I do it enough for both of us whenever a realization pops up.  I would never go back and not have my children but sometimes I like to go back and live a little like I did before them.  Like reminiscing over old times...accept I am the only one involved and it becomes sad when I look at myself and see someone who clings to something that no longer exists...I guess I haven't quite stepped off that bridge.  I imagine many people go away to escape and relax but when I do, it's because I want to recapture a certain feeling or memory that makes me feel comfortable...like when you're walking and a scent in the air makes you think of something from your childhood...I want to relive it...again and again...

The Phoenix XIII

I'm not sure if I woke Carl or he woke me but we were both up at 6am scouring our bags for Advil and trying to pry open the windows for fresh air.  It didn't take long after the windows were open to find the one downfall of staying in the centre of a city that never sleeps.  I laid on the coach trying to concentrate on not throwing up and praying for a cold breeze while Carl stood at the window and watched the world walk by.  Vince had texted me a few times but I failed to answer, I would get back to him after I walked Carl to Penn Station to catch his train. Besides I still had a full morning and afternoon walking through museums and enjoying my friend.

I must have dozed off for a bit because Carl was back in his bed and I was freezing on the couch.  It was just before 7am and I could easily use a few more hours.  I grabbed my phone and crawled back into my bed.  I noticed a text from an unidentified number but I knew who's it was and I must have been feeling a little sentimental because I opened it without much thought.  "Irish, I'm sorry I didn't make it.  I was still on pain killers and vodka".  I wish he would have just said that he had no interest in ever seeing me again because at least then it would have been real and truthful.  The games he plays leaves him at the edge he requires to feel alive and I have no tolerance anymore for excuses, lies and games.  "It's unfortunate you chose the rockstar milkshake over our friendship".  He can say anything we wants to me but I trust myself more than I trust him and every part of me says he is dishonest so I delete him again and put my phone away.  I rolled over and Carl was snoring away sleeping off the night before and I'm grateful I know how to pick and surround myself with good people.  John won't find a spot in my life anymore...I know longer have space for anyone other than those who love and care for me unconditionally.  Why would I let anything less take up space in my life...my new life.

The Phoenix XII

Two Bellini's in and I had to switch to Heineken Lite, I have no idea what is in the Bellini here but I was starting to feel a little on the tipsy side moving quickly to less classy.  I was so full I silently wished I wore my yoga pants as I felt the button of my jeans dig into my tummy.  Carl was still eating his bacon wrapped chicken and I almost wished I had more room.  The weather was awful this evening so we were in no hurry to leave or bar hop so we sat there until the candle went out, I loved listening to his stories from back home...it gives me a real appreciation for him and who he is.  

About an hour later we finally stepped back into the rain then ducked under a canopy for a cigarette while we mapped out the rest of the evening.  It didn't take long for us to spot a pub that looked half full and like a great time so we dodged some cars, threw our umbrellas in the rack and found a spot at the bar.  This is so reminiscent of Dan and I and I don't know if it comforts me and hurts me.  One day Dan and I will pick up where we left off with travelling...but for now we just accept our limitations and work around them...I miss him everyday.  I talk a lot about Dan to Carl and they have somehow formed a weird friendship through me and I love that this means I will never have to say good bye to my NY husband.  I ordered another strawberry blonde and put a coaster on top before we headed out for another cigarette.  

Eight cocktails later and we're once again arm in arm walking down the streets of Manhattan trying to find junk food so we can over eat and watch television until the early hours.  I think Carl is crucial to my journey and every time I get to see him or chat with him he offers me strength in who I am.  My friendship with him is solid and it's a piece of the puzzle I want and possibly need to feel comfortable as me.  I'm getting stronger and my confidence is building, I am selecting my own friends and am comfortable with who I am...even if you are not.  My clipped wings are heeling and the less I look back or go against my own desires the freer I feel.   Now when I look over the edge it takes my breath away and offers me life, the life I want and crave.  I looked over at a soaking wet Carl trying to light a cigarette in the rain and wind...I bet he knows exactly how I feel.

The Phoenix XI

It took a lot of coaxing to get me up and motivated to get ready for dinner, but I knew Carl's time was limited so that helped get me into the shower and on a slow path to being Manhattan ready to go out.  Carl was on to watching reruns of friends and looking for tickets to Wicked when I emerged with a towel on my head feeling a little more spry.  I grabbed a glass of wine, my hair dryer and straightener and prepared to tackle my hair, which is no easy task considering humidity levels and the promise of rain... New York hates curly hair.  I threw my straightener back in my suitcase accepting defeat, it would be an exercise in futility.

I came out of the washroom looking almost presentable and I'm sure Carl was getting a bit tipsy, so I filled my wine glass and joined him at the television.  We tried to get tickets to the theatre but were unsuccessful due to time of year and not wanting to play six hundred dollars each to sit on a balcony. We grabbed our things and headed for the lobby, dinner was in thirty minutes and we were both hungry enough to contemplate stopping at the vending machine for an appetizer.

I stood at the lobby doors and watched the rain pound the pavement and slowly grabbed an elastic from my purse and tied my hair up.  Carl came running back in with two umbrellas he bought from the guy out front...always a gentleman.  The restaurant was literally four blocks away and a cab would have taken longer than walking so I opened mine up and sped walked the entire way.  The restaurant was stunning and I was in great company so I ordered champaign and got lost in conversation with my New York Dan.

The Phoenix X

After a few hours of shopping, drinks, people watching and more chocolate than two people should ever consume in such a short amount of time I was able to convince Carl to head back to the hotel for a nap.  My feet were tired, I was exhausted and the tourists were starting to get on my last nerve.  We walked back up 7th and stopped for take out cheese cake, because clearly we needed more sugar, then popped into Duane Reed for wine and cigarettes...we really know how to do up Manhattan.

My new keys were waiting for me at the front desk and the concierge had already delivered our bags.  We rode the elevator while I silently prayed that the third room would not look like a crime scene and I would be able to unpack and take off my shoes.  When I opened the door we walked into a kitchen, down the hall was a living room and I looked at Carl and we both had wide eyes.  We slowly walked into the main area expecting to be in someone else's room but all our luggage was there and it was a huge suite.  We walked over to the wall full of windows that overlooked Broadway, "I'm impressed love, your negotiation skills are top notch".  I was shocked and almost felt bad except the pillow top mattress and enormous television and the fact that I have a suite in Times Square completely made up for the night before.

I heard Carl turn on the television and open his wine, "you have about two hours till we leave for dinner".  I crawled into my bed and set my phone alarm while I drifted off listening to Carl laughing at reruns of Seinfeld...

The Phoenix VIIII

It felt like I just closed my eyes when I heard someone knocking at the door, I had the feeling of sand in my eyes when I tied to open them.  I tried to read the clock but when I heard the British accent in the hall I knew Carl was right on time.  I stumbled to the door and broke up his conversation with the housekeeping staff, he has to be one the friendliest people I have ever known and it always makes me feel in awe of him.  Carl doesn't care where you came from or what you do now, he looks at you the same way he does everyone else and there is no judgement or opinion just a fair shot to make a good friend with him.  Every time we go out to eat or walk through a museum or shop through the busiest places his manners and kindness are in full form; and that is who he is, it's not for show or to impress, he is genuinely a gentleman and all around great guy.  He took one look at me, smiled and tried his best to not cringe at the site of me.  "Give me a few minutes to collect myself and freshen up".  He came in and made a tea while he waited.  I assured him that this would not be our room this evening and explained the previous evening.  Twenty minutes later I was handing our bags to the concierge and taking on the city with my hair piled on top of my head, fresh breath and my beautiful British friend by my side...first things first...let's eat.


We found a pub in Times Square and ordered a copious amount of fried food and orange juice, tea and coffee...like our own little buffet.  We played catch up which was quick since we talk daily but I always love hearing about his life and friends in Jersey and it allows me to openly be me, although these days I am doing it regardless of who is watching, but Carl has never known the previous Natalie and it makes me happy to know someone like him enjoys this Natalie.  But I don't think about that anymore...she is gone and long live the new me...moving on.  Carl made reservations at the Brazilian steak house for dinner while I tried to find tickets to Wicked...he was successful in his task and I was not.  We agreed we could easily see it another evening.  The food started to arrive and it was little embarrassing that it took three servers to carry our food; I tried not to scarf my food but I was so hungry breathing almost felt like an option at that point.


After what possibly looked like two ravenous lions cleaning a carcass we paid the tab and started our walk to Harold Square to shop for the afternoon.  Arm in arm down Broadway, exhausted, excited and just...happy...

The Phoenix VIII

I met Vince in my hotel lobby and and we walked down 7th to grab a drink and it's funny how Manhattan never shuts down.  The pub we chose was still half full so he parked ourselves at the bar and ordered a drink.  I haven't seen him since we first met in Queens and only texted a couple of times but I liked him, he was just a really nice guy.  I tried to forget that he always carries a gun and it seems so foreign to me and unnecessary, I have never even been harassed in the city let alone encounter a time I needed a cop.  I was exhausted as I started to come down off of my high of running for flights so we did a shot and watched the sports highlights of the week.

It was nearly 4am when I finally tapped out and had to say good night.  He walked me back to the lobby and caught a cab to Queens, I'll see him in a couple of days.  I went up to my room and tried not to unpack too many things because I want to easily move tomorrow.  I debated sleeping fully dressed but after I turned down the bed and fully inspected it I felt comfortable enough to take off my shoes...the socks stayed.  I have about five hours until Carl gets into town and since I only get him for the one night I want to be fresh as a daisy and ready to enjoy our time together.  I always get excited to see him, he's the perfect male friend and my favourite NYC date.  I attempted to turn on the television because I love falling asleep to it but alas the remote was lacking batteries...I have no idea how this is the same hotel I stayed at several times before.  It's like they put a run down motel inside a Hyatt, just a few more hours...besides...I'm in Manhattan...I wonder how long that will take to wear off.

The Phoenix VII

My jeans weren't even dry as I walked off the plane but I was still able to smile at the nice lady when she apologized to me for the umpteenth time.  I said a little prayer on my way to the luggage carousel not really sure at this point if I wanted my luggage since it would be easy to get into the city without it and they could drop it off in the middle of the night...however smelling like a barista does nothing for me so luggage it is.  I stood half way between the lost luggage counter and carousel feeling like I just spent a day on the Amazing Race, I need a drink.  I almost shed a tear when my bag came through the small door, I didn't even notice I skipped over to retrieve it until the security guard started laughing at me.  I easily found a shuttle bus and was on my way into the city within fifteen minutes.  I never get tired of looking at the beautiful skyline and it is even more breathtaking after midnight.  I didn't even care that I would have to walk with my oversized bag eight long blocks to my hotel; or that Vince was working later and our evening drink was now a 2am drink, which was perfect since Manhattan never shuts down.

I checked into the hotel and was overly excited to change and hit the town.  I had stayed at this hotel before so I was shocked when I walked in and seen an outdated dirty room; last time everything was state of the art and beautiful...wtf?  I made my way back to the lobby where they happily switched me rooms and apologized for the less than clean decor.  The second room may have been better...or worse?  I wanted to throw up except the bathroom wasn't even clean enough for me to do that.  Back on the elevator I went and tried my best to ask the young man for yet another room.  "My apologies ma'am but those are the only two rooms we have for the night".  I dropped my head in my hands, there is no fucking way I am staying in either of those rooms for the duration of my stay.  I looked at him and nodded, he doesn't have anything else tonight so I smiled my best smile and started the negotiation process.  

A half hour later and I was walking out of the lobby looking for a Starbucks.  We agreed that the cleaning crew would scour my room and I would stay in it tonight and instead of reimbursing me for the night they will kindly move me to a newly renovated room the next afternoon.  I'm really starting to buy into the whole idea that a different frame of mind can reframe any situation.  I stood on the corner of 42nd and 7th next to some guy and waited for the walk light.  I looked over to break the awkwardness of there being only two of us in Times Square, I nodded and smiled at the familiar face...another light in my dark start of the trip.  In Manhattan anything can happen...I guess that is why my heart and soul belong there.

The Phoenix VI

I finally made it to Toronto and wished my new friend luck before I broke into a full sprint to grab my luggage and make my way through customs...already three hours behind from cancelations.  The system is a nightmare, I'm standing looking at an enormous board on the wall that looks like it was taken from Grand Central Station searching to see if my name pops up.  The idea is that when you see your name then they have your luggage and you can pass through customs and then security.  I started to panic because the wonderful ladies at the airport moved me flights at least three times and I am hardly convinced my luggage was ever on my flight and without it I can't go through customs because it has to fly with me.  Still, I'm heading to NY so I can't complain.  After twenty minutes I made my way to a counter and explained my situation and the nice gentleman kindly put down the sandwich he was stuffing into his face and stamped my boarding pass so I could go through.  I can hear them calling zones to board my flight and I must look like a drug addict in withdrawal as I impatiently wait to be called up.  I walked up and threw everything on the counter and waited for the agent to start his spiel of questions.  He asked me four different times where my home was, ugh.  I keep looking over to the security line and he actually says, "you wouldn't believe the amount of people that miss their plane while talking to me".  I just nodded and gave him my best fake smile hoping he wasn't too arrogant to notice it was actually me telling him off.  After leaving I jogged to the security line while I stripped down to my shoes and threw them on the conveyor belt...wondering if I would even have any luggage when I arrived in NY.  "Final call for flight 1121 leaving for LaGuardia".  I grabbed my shoes and purse and was in a full sprint down the corridor and just made the doors.  I found my seat and let out a deep sigh and leaned against the window...I made it.  And was not even a little surprised when the lady sat back down after letting me get to my seat spilled her entire Starbucks down my jeans and into my purse...fuck it, I'm still going to NY and now more than ever...I hope I have clothes when I finally get to my hotel around 1:00am.

The Phoenix V

After weeks of pouring myself into my home life and family it felt relaxing to be standing in line at security knowing in a few hours I'd be walking out of LaGuardia and making my way into the city.  I don't have any guilt around this at all anymore.  Dan and I are simply living differently in our free time.  Long Island Mike emailed me, he was in Australia for a few weeks trying to clear his head and get back on track...whatever that means.  I agreed to meet him at Carmine's in the square for dinner one night since he felt bad for dropping me in Queens the last time we seen each other.  If I so much as feel a slight heart race in my chest I'll run like I'm being chased.  Carl is coming into the city for a night so I made sure to get two beds and tonight I am meeting Vince for a drink in mid-town.  I really enjoy building a life in NY and living out that part of my dream; I know that in time Dan's path will once again merge with mine and he will become a part of this side of my life.  I know there are whispers and questions that will never be asked and the same ones that don't want to offend by asking the questions are the same ones that talk about it to others as if that is less offensive...but that is exactly why I'm cleaning out my rolodex.  Dan and I will climb this mountain and move forward together.  I'm not building a life without him, I'm just setting up my life in NY for when we finally get there.

I was enjoying telling everyone off that whispered and judged me...in my head of course.  I finally pulled myself out and realized my flight was delayed and I already knew that I would miss both my connections.  I stood next to a guy at my gate and watched the time constantly change for the actual departure time.  He looked like he was going to pass out, I smiled at him and offered him a bottle of water, "you okay?"  He nodded, he was about to miss the biggest interview of his career due to weather.  I felt so sad for him, thank goodness the airport serves alcohol for breakfast.  I love that I opened my mind and out popped my free spirit and now I live freely and am able to connect easily with the people around me.  I bought him a beer and he told me all about his work and family; he is an impressive man.  I am truly starting to believe that the people you surround yourself with are a direct reflection of yourself, and the new me, the real, attracts the most interesting amazing people and it's difficult to find anything wrong with my life anymore.

The Phoenix IV

I woke to a text from John and contemplated for an hour if I should open it or delete it.  I wasn't sure if I was going to believe what he wrote or even cared anymore.  I deleted it because the bottom line is that I am the only one that brings anything to the table in this friendship...so I may as well eat alone.  I still think of him a lot and and hope he is well; the exact same thoughts I afford to Long Island Mike.  These past few months have felt like a fast game of catch up.  I have re-evaluated my beliefs and started to throw most of them out while I look inside myself to find what I truly believe and fits with my heart and soul.  I have cleaned out my phone and friends while keeping a small amount that I love, respect and want in my life; people who value me and what I bring to the friendship regardless of my private life. I have matured, taken control, stood up, stood behind and rose from the scared person I was before.  I don't hate or dislike the ones that left because the truth be told I wasn't sad to watch them go.  Many of my friendships have been modified and boundaries have been set and because of that I won't and can't be pushed around whether by them or through the feelings of just not fitting in.  I never realized how important boundaries were and how each friend has a different set in our friendship.  Confidence has allowed me the freedom to not have to defend myself and not feel the need to explain anything to anyone, I don't have to answer to anyone...it's not my issue if you don't get it or understand my choices, they are not yours to understand.

The most heart wrenching realization thus far is knowing that not all my friends like the real me, and most of them at this point have no idea of the journey I have just taken.  I try not to be sad and upset about it, instead I concentrate on those I have attracted into my life and how amazing my vibe must be to capture a friend like Carl.  I guess some people preferred the water down version of myself; and she never really even existed...she was merely the character I played up until now.

The Phoenix III

I've booked my flights and hotels for five days and it's still a little surreal that this is my new life.  I have kept in contact with Carl and he's going to meet me in the city for a night and I have been in contact with Vince, the cop from Queens.  I haven't heard from Long Island Mike in a while and I have no desire to walk down that path just yet; if he needs me then he can reach out but I'm no longer feeding the habit of fixing those around me...I have my own work to do.  I try not to think of what's going to happen or if this is the right answer I just wake everyday and smile that my life feels great and is aligned with what I have desired.   Sometimes I wonder about Dan and if he is truly okay with the shift in our marriage and I want to ask but I'm terrified that he might not like it and if that's the case then how would I deals with it?  I try and just enjoy each day on its own and not think of how the week with go, I look forward to NY and other than that I just don't look forward.

I deleted my on line dating profile again since Carl was able to meet in the city and I was chatting with Vince...but every now and then I missed it and think about it when I feel lonely.  It becomes intoxicating and addicting fast and I think it's because it allows me to live my single life when I am home and I know that is not right and I need to pay attention before my addiction destroys my life.  I continue to see Laura on a regular basis although not as often since I refuse to lay out my trauma even one more time, so I take the pill and lock it away.  I don't have the same feelings of sadness but sometimes I get scared when I let my mind wonder too far into my marriage and life.  I honestly don't know if Dan and I are on the same course and I hold onto the hope that our paths will cross and we will effortlessly be happy together again.  I'm slowly teaching myself to not get caught in my own thought vortex of negative feelings...if Dan isn't happy then I just have to believe that he will tell me.

I walked over to where my daughter was sitting and watching a cartoon, I pulled out a puzzle and some toys and turned off the television.  I'm trying to perfect the art of 'slow down parenting', Laura said it would help me stay in the moment with my children and become the focused mother I want to be.  She comes over to me and sits on my lap and slowly takes apart the puzzle I am putting together. Her hair is a mess of curls and she chatters non stop...my heart spills over with every question and smile.  Every day I spend hours with her playing, talking, learning and cooking...the cleaning can wait but the bonding happens now.  She took out her tea set and we decided to have lunch by the window while she told me all about her stuffed animal friends.

The Phoenix II

I have no idea how people can live the routine of day to day life and not feel like a hamster on a wheel going absolutely no where.  I couldn't be that woman, not if I want to be happy too.  There is no way I am the only one, I can't be and I know that when I think of my mother.  I love going to the park with my daughter and hanging out and talking football with my son and playing drunk scrabble with Dan...but it is not enough.  I think I just need more of me and my wants and I think I may have found the perfect balance.  Having my own life is vital for my emotional health and I love being 'that woman'.  I am building a life in NY and every trip I feel more and more at home and less like a tourist.  I'm not taking away from my family, maybe they don't see me everyday but when I am home they have every minute of my attention and I am so happy and involved.  Sometimes I still slide back and question my decisions and choices but I know that following traditions I don't believe in is silly...for me anyway.  My darkness is locked away but sometimes I visit it in the cage just to stare it down but also as a humble reminder of the time lost...it feels great to let the little girl into the sunshine...