The Phoenix III

I've booked my flights and hotels for five days and it's still a little surreal that this is my new life.  I have kept in contact with Carl and he's going to meet me in the city for a night and I have been in contact with Vince, the cop from Queens.  I haven't heard from Long Island Mike in a while and I have no desire to walk down that path just yet; if he needs me then he can reach out but I'm no longer feeding the habit of fixing those around me...I have my own work to do.  I try not to think of what's going to happen or if this is the right answer I just wake everyday and smile that my life feels great and is aligned with what I have desired.   Sometimes I wonder about Dan and if he is truly okay with the shift in our marriage and I want to ask but I'm terrified that he might not like it and if that's the case then how would I deals with it?  I try and just enjoy each day on its own and not think of how the week with go, I look forward to NY and other than that I just don't look forward.

I deleted my on line dating profile again since Carl was able to meet in the city and I was chatting with Vince...but every now and then I missed it and think about it when I feel lonely.  It becomes intoxicating and addicting fast and I think it's because it allows me to live my single life when I am home and I know that is not right and I need to pay attention before my addiction destroys my life.  I continue to see Laura on a regular basis although not as often since I refuse to lay out my trauma even one more time, so I take the pill and lock it away.  I don't have the same feelings of sadness but sometimes I get scared when I let my mind wonder too far into my marriage and life.  I honestly don't know if Dan and I are on the same course and I hold onto the hope that our paths will cross and we will effortlessly be happy together again.  I'm slowly teaching myself to not get caught in my own thought vortex of negative feelings...if Dan isn't happy then I just have to believe that he will tell me.

I walked over to where my daughter was sitting and watching a cartoon, I pulled out a puzzle and some toys and turned off the television.  I'm trying to perfect the art of 'slow down parenting', Laura said it would help me stay in the moment with my children and become the focused mother I want to be.  She comes over to me and sits on my lap and slowly takes apart the puzzle I am putting together. Her hair is a mess of curls and she chatters non stop...my heart spills over with every question and smile.  Every day I spend hours with her playing, talking, learning and cooking...the cleaning can wait but the bonding happens now.  She took out her tea set and we decided to have lunch by the window while she told me all about her stuffed animal friends.