The Phoenix XIIII

Ugh, I hated this part.  After lunch I already know we will grab a coffee and tea and slowly walk to the station and I wish he would stay longer but I'm so grateful he makes the trip I try to push the issue.  We know every dark corner of each others lives and that quite possibly is the glue that binds us.  I have nothing but freedom with him and I love that he is part of my NY life and that I can easily pull him into my home life as well.

We stood outside for a few minutes, more for my benefit than his.  I want him to stay and he knows it so he lets me down easily.  I can feel my phone buzzing non stop so I hug my friend, wish him safe travels and send him into the station...I can't help but watch him leave...I know he'll be back though.  I feel that Carl gives me back the part of my life...before my daughter.  It makes me feel sick to even think about it; I would never wish away my family and I love her like I do my son and I am so utterly grateful to be blessed with that beauty.  But sometimes...I miss the Dan and I that lived before her...please don't think badly of me...I do it enough for both of us whenever a realization pops up.  I would never go back and not have my children but sometimes I like to go back and live a little like I did before them.  Like reminiscing over old times...accept I am the only one involved and it becomes sad when I look at myself and see someone who clings to something that no longer exists...I guess I haven't quite stepped off that bridge.  I imagine many people go away to escape and relax but when I do, it's because I want to recapture a certain feeling or memory that makes me feel comfortable...like when you're walking and a scent in the air makes you think of something from your childhood...I want to relive it...again and again...