The Phoenix XXIII

I found my seat on the plane and settled in.  I know longer have the anxiety around flying or the confined feeling of life.  I look out the window and view this city as my second home and it's a dream that has become my reality.  I spent so much time trying to fill a void using other people and forever feeling lost and alone.  Wondering around life trying to fit into this mold everyone else seemed to thrive in and love.  I was following and chasing someone else's idea of happiness and trying to use someone else's formula to feel whole and full in my own life.  I followed a path that was handed down to me, one that I had seen and was modelled through almost every person I crossed paths with and no one ever really knew I was a fake.  Like a sheep that just walks with the rest without ever looking up and trying to see if there is anything else out there; you grow up, you get married, you have children, and that is happiness...not for me, well not just that anyway.   It is only now as I sit on the plane that I realize that my husband and children could not fill the void; they make me very happy and I am in love with each one of them but they could not take away the loneliness.  The last several months have been this incredible journey for me and I have found my missing puzzle piece.  Once I let the little girl out of her cage I was finally able to continue on with my life and dreams because mine never really went away so much as haunted me; I feel whole, confident, strong, unstoppable and still quirky.  I don't have any guilt around wanting to still fulfill my dreams and I hope that my children view this as a sign of strength and follow what I have modelled because they will always matter and be significant in their own right and not because they are attached to someone else.   Being a wife and mother is only part of who I am, I am also a writer, traveller and runner...