The Long Island Mike IV

I never much cared for New Year's Eve and all the celebrations. I remember being six years old and ringing in the new year while throwing up with anxiety because I was scared of the constant moving time. Even at such a young age I was aware that time was moving, it would never stop and the time that was gone was never coming back...and the more I thought about it the sicker I became. I guess I was always a neurotic mess when it came to the realization that I was constantly dying.

Mike worked every New Year's Eve, it was his job to set up Times Square for the tens of thousands of people that wanted to catch a glimpse of the ball dropping as they counted down the final seconds of the year. This year was not much different for him in terms of work however he struggled with every passing minute. I would get a text here and there and I could tell he was texting me for small talk as a way to avoid texting her and begging for forgiveness. It's difficult for him to say sorry and mean it, or at least say it in a tone that sounds sincere but this time I think he really is sorry but is too scared to give her that information after weeks of hurling insults at each other. The problem is that once you start to hit below the belt in a fight it breaks down the trust and erodes anything positive that was flourishing. He is hoping she is bluffing and I think he believes that if he is able to stay busy then he can distract himself away from losing the only child he has...and he doesn't even have them yet and may never get the chance to experience fatherhood.

The ball dropped and my heart sunk...what an awful way to ring in the new year...

The Long Island Mike III

Over two dozen messages and half a dozen phone calls were missed by the time I woke the next morning. She needs money for doctors visits and he wants to give her money but she doesn't want his money and I need coffee. This is way more entertaining than on line dating although I have a heavy heart for both of these people. She is actually quite kind and caring and wants the family but not the abusive baggage he brings and he wants the family but can't give up the vodka...but he would tell you that he would throw it all out the window for a shot to be a father. It's all anger infused and miscommunication, one won't listen and the other won't talk and I know I have been in this situation where nothing is getting resolved and one is always trying to out yell the other. About thirteen years or more ago I was in that exact situation; pregnant and all. Dealing with a drug addict of a boyfriend and newly pregnant; we never got along and he was highly abusive...at first it was all emotional but slowly it became very physical. I remember having my car packed every Friday and ready to move because he would come home either drunk or high and it was always a fight. I could see where she is was coming from...in fact I felt like I could predict her days and future if she was tied to Mike for the rest of her life. I wondered if she was going to make the same decision I had...

The Long Island Mike II

I somehow got tangled into this web of abuse and anger; apparently trying to support my friend Mike meant I was against her...and I don't even know 'her'. I can't help but sit back and laugh to myself for just a minute, I remember being in these types of relationships...the rush of the highs and the absolute devastation of the lows. Using the relationship as a bargaining chip and trying to find the most hateful things you could possibly say to one another; they both seemed to have a lengthy list of each others fears and failures to hurl at one another. I don't miss those feelings although I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the highs and make up sex. Dan and I have never and I mean ever had an all out fight where we verbally attacked one another...I couldn't even imagine yelling at him or cursing him out.

Mike continuously talked about having a healthy relationship so he could have the family life but I question his sincerity with his alcohol use and offensive behaviours. We've moved on from emails to messaging apps, texting and phone calls...it's become a fierce game of who can have me on their side...why does that even matter? I feel sad for both but I have a friendship with Mike so I feel a little obligated to support him although I won't do it if he just wants me to help him bully her into keeping the baby. I couldn't even imagine being in either of their spots right now; she is pregnant with their baby, a baby that Mike has always dreamed about and she is terrified to be tied to him for the rest of her life...what a fucking mess.

I placed my phone on silent and curled up with Dan on the couch...

The Long Island Mike

Sometimes opening up your email is like finding a fun surprise and other times it's all spam...I thought I moved him into the spam box. I wasn't entirely shocked he was writing me and I could easily tell that the vodka was doing the typing. This man has been a drain on me since I discovered his love of booze and abuse. "Hey Mike, what's going on?" I half expected some long drawn out essay on how he was doing better knowing he was full of shit if he had. Instead I got a file of hate emails he and his girlfriend were sending to each other. So, now that he and I moved to the friend zone he thinks it's okay to show me evidence of his other dysfunctional relationships? I rolled my eyes until my head ached and then attempted to write a very heart felt 'I fucking told you so' email in response. Both of them have only ever been in volatile relationships and he is an active alcoholic...but he is dying for the family life so here he is trying to lock up another woman into marriage and keep all of the important details a secret from her...except she has a son and that is hardly fair to the kid. She's pregnant and although they planned to have a baby together she now wants to bail on the plan and he is soaked in vodka hoping she will change her mind.

We exchanged a few emails until I was sure that he was not going to hurt himself or anyone else. He has a history of driving drunk and angry and he is right in that zone but assures me he will not leave his place. And just when I thought I had put his fire out...the girlfriend starts emailing her own garbage...I really gotta start charging for this shit.

The Sun Always Comes Up V

Dan was well on his way to completing breakfast while I picked up all of the wrapping paper. We would so much rather be the parents that go on vacation during the holidays and give the gift of experience. This year we stayed home because she loves everything about Christmas and we wanted to be sure to make it as close to 'traditional' as possible, without family of course. Dan doesn't even get so much as a text over the holidays but I don't think it bothers him like it does me.

I grabbed my coffee and sat beside Wendell on the couch so he could rest his head on my lap. "Dan should we get a puppy for Wendell?" He turned around with the spatula in his hand and a less than impressed look on his face, "No". Okay, but we agreed after Wendell that puppies were far too much work so maybe it was just a matter of my words...I'll let that conversation die, the seed has been planted. I reached over and helped her create a necklace out of her new beading kit...I imagine these will all be in my vacuum in less than six months...

The Sun Always Comes Up IV

I am just about done with the holidays, I can barely keep Dan in the positive over Christmas anymore. There were far too many presents under the tree and I watch her try to count them each day...she's hilarious. I sat at the kitchen island and stared blankly at the microwave while I poured warm coffee down my throat. I wished my mom and son were here, I was always surrounded by my family at this time of year but things change and now his father has him during the holidays and my mom was away this year. If I could just get Dan to a medium excited but he never liked the holidays and I guess I always understood why. He's a different duck, a wild soul that not only marches to a different beat...he created it and helps me create my own. It's funny because we are the same and different in all of the right ways...

The Sun Always Comes Up III

I opened the front door to a pile of presents left by the UPS guy. They were all for my daughter from her grandparents...the in laws. My frustration started to grow, maybe because of the stress of the holidays or the fact that they do the absolute least possible to have anything to do with her and then send a bunch of gifts as a way to show their artificial involvement. I placed them on the counter and watched Dan stare in confusion until he started to read the names. At this point I don't even have to express my irritation to him because he has enough of his own. The problem isn't that they sent gifts, the problem is that when you only see her for a few hours a year she starts to forget who you are, she's only three. Now we have to say who they came from and then improvise some bullshit reasons why they never bother to visit her. I'm sure Dan has a reserve of excuses piled up from his own experiences but I don't feel like this should be our issue. I stood behind Dan while he typed a text message requesting they either start spending time with her or not bother sending her stuff which only creates confusion.

I guess I understand why they might not want to come here since I was very blatant almost a decade ago on my feelings towards them...but why is she left to pay that bill? Do they think they are hurting me by not coming to visit their son and granddaughter? I have always left that door wide open for them to come and visit their family but they refuse to walk through it and if they can't get over a decade ago then I guess they can continue to perpetuate what I have obviously proven to be right. I have no anger left to give them...it's just sad and at some point they will have to answer to Dan and our daughter...if she even cares by that time...he doesn't.

I hugged Dan tightly and rested my head on his chest...how could anyone not want to be in his life? This man is nothing short of amazing...their loss...look...the sun still comes up and the earth spins and time goes on and she grows up...with or without them...

The Sun Always Comes Up II

The holidays were shaping up to be completely different this year. Not only did we have to deal with Django being gone but this was the first Christmas since his birth that I would be without my son. I'm not someone who is good at letting go of things that I have enjoyed for so long whether it be my own tradition or thoughts or dreams.

I had all of my shopping done and tried my best to get into the spirit but it was becoming a full time job. It wasn't like I was depressed...more of pushed to move forward and accept certain changes as a fact of life. Dan hates the Christmas holidays so it was easy to get caught in his negativeness but we both made an effort to always make it fun for our daughter who loved setting up a tree, wrapping gifts, baking and shopping.

I poured myself a glass of Pinot and opened a beer for Dan then joined him on the couch where he was busy making Play Doh men for their Play Doh towns. I rested my hand on Django as I passed by, she would love to be laying on the floor watching my daughter's excitement.

The Sun Always Comes Up

I woke to my daughter playing in the front room and Dan trying to explain how sharing toys is supposed to work. I laid in bed for a few more minutes and thought about John. I reached over and grabbed my phone, he didn't text me and for the first time I was actually relieved not to hear from him. I deleted our previous conversations but I didn't block him...I didn't feel like I needed to. There was a time where I had to just to let go of his toxic behaviours but now the spell is broken and he can't touch my emotions.

I rolled out of bed and threw on a sweater before I found Dan and our daughter negotiating a huge toy trade. Wendell was laying on the couch so I curled up beside him and gave him some extra love since Django is gone. Sometimes I find him on her pillow whimpering, I thought he would be okay but he's not and now I gotta find a way to convince Dan to get Wendell another friend.

Full Circle XV

I stayed up late into the middle of the night trying to figure out what had happened to me during that part of my life when I met him. I couldn't find an answer no matter the thought path I took. Maybe I was just out of control and lost in my own confusion...but I wasn't confused anymore and hoped I never would be again.

I walked over and laid my hand on Django's box of ashes to say good night. I miss her so much and wished she as here to see that I am okay and that everything will be okay although I imagine she knew that which was why she was okay leaving when she did.

I climbed into bed beside Dan and kissed his face, if he never let me grow I would never learn about myself, my strengths and weaknesses, my abilities and fears. This was never about having permission to have affairs with other men...this was only ever about removing unnecessary boundaries and restrictions we never supported in order to live a life full of choice and freedom without fear. He warms my soul and fills my heart with understanding and love. I never once had to walk to the edge alone or walk through my demons without him...he is this incredible man that loves his wife so much he lets her fly...untethered and free...

Full Circle XIV

I heard the door latch behind me as I walked down the hallway to the elevators. Time will always take care of everything, no matter how helpless or frustrated, scared or confused you feel...time will eventually heal your wounds and answer your questions. The doors opened up in the lobby and I could still hear the staff discussing something in the back room...I threw my jacket on and walked through the front doors and right to my car.

My windows were completely frosted but I didn't mind sitting there contemplating if two drinks in a few hours was too much. I rested my head on the steering wheel and ran through the past two years like a flip book of my greatest hits. The windows finally cleared enough for me to be able to drive and  I thought it would have been more difficult than the first time leaving, knowing that I may never see him again...but it wasn't. I slid into drive and pulled out onto the street...only forty minutes til home...he can make the eight hour trip this time and be alone with his thoughts...

Full Circle XIII

"I don't want you to go".

Ugh, what was really pissing me off at this moment was the fact that when I wanted him to meet with me he never showed up and I am almost certain that in that time he never once cared...and here I am letting my heart strings be pulled by the same man. I sat back down on the bed and watched him tilt a half full bottle of Crown Royal and effortlessly pour it down his throat. He flopped back down on the bed and I made my way to the bathroom to collect myself and maybe have a little pep talk to help me reach my exit. I tied my hair up on top of my head and straightened my shirts, did my belt back up and took one last look in the mirror before I made my way back into his room.

I turned the corner to find him completely naked with his limp cock flopped over his leg and to be fair it was quite impressive. He must have passed out or fell into his liquor induced coma. I walked over to collect my scarf and jacket and quietly picked up all the bottles off of the floor and placed his clothes over the back of the chair. I found one blanket that he wasn't laying on and used it to cover him up.

I stood at the door and watched him for a few minutes, I wanted to just breathe it all in so I could exhale and leave everything in that room.

Full Circle XII

I could feel the warm tears stream down my face and could barely feel his lips touch mine. Why would I put myself into this situation? At this point I imagine that holding on to something for this long...like a thought or memory can make me try and follow through on what I believed it would look like...but that vision no longer exists and the only version I am comfortable with anymore is one where we are friends. But could I be friends with him after everything? I've told this man to fuck off so many times whether it be in my head, over text, emailed or out right in the parking lot of the RCMP. I've cursed him, cried and finally walked away and convinced myself that he could never bring anything good to my life. I can leave and wish him well and even believe it and want happiness for him because I'm laying here with his whiskey soaked tongue in my mouth and his hands trying to get under all of my layers of clothes and other than sadness for him...I feel nothing. Darkness cannot survive in the light and as long as he chooses to live in the dark then there is no place for our friendship in his life.

I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my cardigan and sat up...thank god this didn't happen when I was sitting in my own dark corners. I did up the buttons on my sweater and located my boots...

Full Circle XI

We were laying on the bed facing each other and he was telling me about his daughters; his face lit up and his pride was shining through his words. He's a cop because he followed a long line of family members before him, but the job started to have real affects on him once he started his own family. He's terrified for his daughters and doesn't know how to stop the bad things from happening...not to them but just in general. The horrors he has witnessed will never leave his thoughts and the only thing worse that he can think of is those things happening to his daughters...the alcohol for a little while makes him numb and distracts the thoughts from consuming him. Working in that atmosphere makes it difficult to see any good that goes on and at times consumes you into thinking it is the norm. It took a long time for me to realize that just because I work with federal offenders doesn't mean that everyone is bad...it just means that I see it more than most so it becomes a bigger part of my life and I don't have the luxury of ignorance...nor does he. I started to tell him about Django, I don't know why, maybe it was the alcohol or that for once we were sharing a real moment and I didn't want him to feel alone in it. As the tears started to fill me eyes he leaned over to hold my face and kiss me...I instantly felt lost in my emotions...he's drunk and I'm sad...the whole fucking situation is sad...

Full Circle X

We both sat with our backs against the head board and watched whatever was on the television. At this point I am here so he is not alone another night and drinking himself unconscious and we are both aware of this truth...it never has to be said. I hated that my heart was betraying me and making me feel sad for him, in a little while I am going to head back to my family and he will finish whatever is left in his liquor cabinet and pass out until his shift the next morning. But really...what am I supposed to do? I can't make him stop and I can't follow him around as a support hoping that one day he wants to deal with his demons. I have nothing to lose when it comes to this guy, I have patiently waited to talk about his demons and now I am alone with him in a safe space and he's tipsy...I'm going to take advantage.

   "What happened to you?"
   "What do you mean? I told you that I was working either at my job or on my marriage".
   "I get that, I mean what happened to make you emotionless or robotic? What happened to make you drink your weight in alcohol regularly?"
   "I told you I don't want to get into it"
   "What difference does it make? We both know when that door closes behind me that we will never see each other again. Mine is gone so yours can no longer affect me".
   "Natalie if I told you what I deal with on a daily basis and have been dealing with since I was only twenty four years old you may never sleep again".
 
I let up a bit with the inquisition because I don't want to press the subject now because the consequences could destroy me if I am left with the visual description of what he sees daily. I let him pour me drink and switched the subject for the time being...I'm not sure I have any desire to continue with this line of questions...maybe I need to just let go of his and paint our ending my own way...