New York State of Mind

I placed all of my luggage by the door and went to make coffee.  I had about an hour before Karen picked me up so I decided to check my email, have some fruit and cry for the last time in my kitchen.  The words of my mother seemed to echo more so these days and I wondered if ignorance would have been bliss for me.  She fails to see that with her as a mother ignorance was not an option.  I have always viewed my mother as the amazing woman she is, she is strong, intelligent, beautiful and one of the most kind people I have ever known.  My mother opened me up to the world and this only made me want to see more, know more and do more.  For as far back as I can remember I have always heard a little voice trying to convince me that I am bound for greatness, I have no idea if that is true but I do believe it was a seed planted by my mother and watered throughout my life.  We are so similar in our quests to find more that she can feel my anxiety and sadness through her own past experiences.  I think it breaks her heart knowing that in the end there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I can't stop chasing it or looking for it.  I feel like I'm in an extreme scavenger hunt without a list, it's starting to consume me and I just need release...but I don't know what that looks like.

The light came on and Dan joined me at the table, "you're up early".  He smiled and hugged me tight, "I wanted to kiss you good bye".  He's a liar, he wants to reassure me without words that he is fine with me leaving.  "What if this doesn't work?"  He could see my lip tremble and eyes start to water, "then you try something else, you can't live in misery and I'll stay as long as I can".  Sometimes I feel anger towards my husband for being so well put together, I have never once watched him crumble or lose control.  I often wonder if he wished I was more like him so he didn't have to go through this and feel the instability of his wife and home.  He can see and feel me descend into my crazy and  he tries his best to support me but knows the reality is that there is almost nothing he can do for me and right now I'm drowning.

My phone lit up, Karen is on her way to pick me up.  I hugged Dan and moved my things onto the drive way; I could hear him lock the door behind me and he turned out the lights as he walked up the stairs.  I stood in the cold and wondered how many times my mother had done something like this...it didn't matter though because I already knew the outcome and hoped I would not be in my seventies still looking for...well I'm not too sure what I am looking for.

Mastering the Mundane XVIII

After days of laying in my darkness and emotionally draining myself I decided to walk away...at least for now.  I got out of bed, washed my face and made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast.  Mike was already on his way to Atlantic City for the week and I could barely contain my excitement as I counted down the hours.  As I stood there and scrambled eggs I wondered how I was going to reach out and embrace the other side of my life and still hold on to what I have...could Dan really follow me to the end?  John and Mike could give me something that Dan couldn't even begin to understand or relate too and it made me feel conflicted in my heart because I was able to connect with others in ways I could never connect to my husband.  I wish there was a way I could do this and not feel like a selfish bitch but I can't because if I cater to Dan then I will never find what I'm missing; this has to be about me because in the end it's me that is broken.  Imagine spending your existence in misery because you are afraid of how others will view you, your marriage and your parenting skills.  At some point you just have to step into your life and realize that not everyone will move forward with you and that's okay.

I was lost in thought when Dan finally entered the kitchen, he grabbed a coffee and sat at the island.  He looked handsome as ever and never fails to make me feel beautiful.  I have made it a point to touch base with him on my emotions so he never feels left out and he is well aware of the different endings this journey may have.  I plated our food and sat next to him, I always rested my head on his shoulder for my comfort.  "Are you excited for New York?"  Without jumping out of my seat and doing a cartwheel I offered, "yeah, I love New York and I'm excited to go often". He nudged me with his elbow and winked, "I'm happy you are at least able to escape to your favourite place".  Ugh, I wanted to throw up my eggs when he said that, shouldn't my favourite place be my home?  I'm so fucking lost in my life and thoughts I have no idea what I need anymore and at every turn I feel sick for not being 'normal' and content.  I started to push my food around my plate and feared opening my mouth, even when I get everything I want I am still not happy...or maybe I am but feel guilty for it so one cancels out the other.  "Dan is this really okay?"  I could feel him look at me but I wouldn't make eye contact, this was how I perfected not crying during our conversations.  "Yes, our outcome won't change because of this".  I know he is right, Dan and I have always believed that it is better to change the situation then live just out of habit...we do not want to pass time till death, we want to do everything possible while we can.  Being open and honest has spared us resentment and has made us better friends and supports.  Sometimes you just have to shelve the wife and mother and embrace yourself...I will no longer tolerate my identity only being tied to others.  I've thrown out the romantic idea that we all have another half or soul mate, I want to be whole on my own and not look to others to define me...I am significant in my own right and sometimes I want to stand alone.  Dan has become my inspiration, when I look at him I know he is whole and healthy and that he doesn't care what you think...I hope I can graduate to his level one day.

I kissed my husband good bye and ran up the stairs to snuggle with my daughter.  I can feel the light come back to me and I want to enjoy it before I remember the little girl still sitting in her cage.  Twenty four hours till wheels up...

Mastering the Mundane XVII

I spent most of the night looking back over my life and sobbing for the stages of my life that I never cared for myself.  It makes me wish I could hold that little girl and protect her from the world as if that little girl isn't even me.  I feel like I have completely detached and wonder if it's a coping mechanism to be able to move forward...being lost in the darkness is like living death and perhaps I had to leave her there to save myself.  It only makes me cry harder knowing that I abandoned her and only now am I trying my best to coax her out of that cage like she's an abused animal.  Mike has threw up his life to me and I know we share so much and I don't think he realizes how similar our childhood actually was.  He has no idea how extraordinary he truly is; no one ever told him they are proud of him or that he has turned into this amazing self made man.  Sometimes when I speak with Mike he sounds happy and whole but even I know that it is short lived because he lacks the support to keep his head up...it's not long before he starts to remember that he is insignificant and pours himself a drink.  John was able to make me feel on fire, but Mike comforts the little girl I ache for.

Two days until I touch down at LaGuardia and two more after that till I get to Atlantic City.  There is a comfort I have with Mike and I am already dreading having to leave AC.  I rolled over and watched Dan sleep for a few minutes and for the first time since my journey began I honestly wondered if we were going to make it through.

Mastering the Mundane XVI

The discussion with Karen was not as simple as Dan explained.  It turned into a intense negotiation because there was no way she was going to let me go alone.  I agreed to pay for the car, gas, insurance and food; also I agreed that we could outlet shop the entire way there as well as the next morning before we headed back.  I didn't even care because I really wanted to go and I was happy to take Karen because if Mike wasn't what I was expecting then at least I wouldn't be alone and with Karen driving we could be back in Manhattan before the sun set.  Karen has become paranoid about me meeting people and worries that they will hurt me or kidnap me...she has a valid point but I don't even think about it.  I always think if I'm comfortable then it is fine; as if there is no way someone is good enough to pull the wool over my eyes.  I would have an all out fit if my daughter ever thought of doing this and yet here I am crossing countries and setting up dates.  It seems crazy that I don't have the same caution for myself and I wonder if that is 'normal'.  I guess I just assumed that I would meet him in the casino, have dinner and go out for the evening and if he turned out to be someone I'm less than interested in then I can just turn in early or leave.  I'm not afraid because I have the option to leave and there are far too many people around for him to try and stop me.  That being said, I'm so happy Karen is coming along.

Mike is still off work and we have been texting more than usual and I'm embarrassed that on at least two occasions I didn't even change out of my pyjamas before five o'clock.  I almost never think of John anymore and the ache is gone.  Mike is filling that void perfectly and I feel bad because I cling to his darkness and feel I may be taking advantage of his openness.  I'm started to be able to identify the cycles in Mike and I wonder if he sees them too.  He's a morning person like me and is full of energy and needs to be productive, too much down time allows for the negative to visit.  Around mid afternoon is his witching hour and his darkness starts to toy with him sending him into either a depressed state or a bottle of vodka.  Not everyday is like this but the more alone time he has the worse it gets.  If Mike's mind isn't in work or around people then it starts to fill with negative thoughts and memories.  We are so similar right now I can feel his sadness and loneliness, it breaks my heart because he doesn't have a Dan like I do...when he is alone, he is completely alone.  All his friends he has known since childhood are married and have kids then he has his work crew that he only sees during work...his home is empty and too much time there is too much for him.  Mike is the star of my support group; he is so open and raw it helps me reach out...and not to my husband.

I can feel myself changing and it's relieving...the more I look the more I see people like me.  We're taught never to talk about our darkness, to be embarrassed and ashamed and that it is 'personal' and not everyone needs to know.  It's just another way for those that are uncomfortable hearing about it to silence us and continue to keep us in that cage.  Mike knows I am broken and will refer to him and I as "people like us"...I am already more comfortable with him than most people I know.  It feels nice to fit somewhere...Dear God, please don't let him be like John....

Mastering the Mundane XV

I've been feeling more empowered these days and I'm sure it's because I've been telling people off in my head for the past couple of days.  I'm feeling torn because I want to go to Atlantic City so I can have more time with Mike but I know it will take a lot to convince Karen…and I know it will make her uncomfortable but at this point I've chosen this path so I'm gonna run with it.  Mike has asked me everyday to come to AC for one night and I'm feeling motivated to go however with the pageant in town there is a lack of hotel rooms available.  I'm trying to push it out of my head but it's futile because I've been trying to find a way to make it work…for me.  First things first, "hey Mike I checked and I cannot find a hotel room for under five hundred dollars in AC so I don't think I can come".  At least we can still have dinner in NY and spend a couple of hours together and now I don't have to ask Karen.  "Nat, I'll just stay with another crew guy and you and your friend can have my suite".

I was standing in my kitchen and could barely form a thought let alone make a coffee.  Okay, I have to think about this..which only means that I need to find the right words to convince Karen.  I almost didn't hear Dan enter the kitchen and he knew he startled me.  "What's going on, everything okay?"  I have to wonder how many of these conversations we will have before they change from weird to 'normal'.  He grabbed a coffee and met me at the table.  "Well?"  Is it bazaar that I'm about to ask my husband for advice on how I can convince my friend to come along and meet a guy?  I told him everything, there was no use or reason not too because I would tell him if I was changing states anyway.  "So, why don't you just tell Karen you're going to AC for the night and she can either go along or stay in Manhattan?"  Huh, I never even thought about just giving her a choice.  I guess sometimes the best answer is the simplest.  Dan clinked his coffee cup with mine and smiled, "wanna meet for lunch today?"  I love this man so much I can burst, "absolutely, let's do dim sum".  He grabbed his computer and left for work…I grabbed my phone and texted Karen...

Mastering the Mundane XIIII

My days and evenings feel a lot easier, I imagine having less than a week until I leave for NY has something to do with this.  I'm excited Karen is coming along but now I have to find a way to tell her about Mike.  She gets this look on her face like your mother when she tells you she's not mad at you she's just disappointed.  I can't even discuss this part of my life with her because she starts to cry and becomes overly dramatic, but even she knows her guilt trips fall on deaf ears at my house.  Karen and I have this down to a science and communicate around it without ever actually mentioning my open marriage.  I find it interesting that someone that isn't even involved in my marriage has such strong feelings about it, it doesn't even affect her and all I can think of is that it makes her uncomfortable because it's not the 'norm'.  Dan and I have kept this a secret from everyone we know for fear of backlash, but we're getting to the point where we'd rather just lose those people then live for their comfort rather than our own.  It infuriates me that other's put so much emphasis on sex in a marriage and relationship because that is what they value and want, and I'm seen as a whore for not buying into monogamy.  Well at least I'm an ethical whore with values because I don't lie, cheat or sneak around.  I'm starting to realize that not all traditions and institutions need to move forward untouched, in fact so many need to be adjusted for those involved.  It's my marriage with Dan and we are more than capable of making our own choices; if our marriage ends it will not be because of sex, it will be because we are on different paths.  Some people seem to forget that marriages end everyday without being open.  Imagine the look on their faces if I walked in and was uncomfortable and offended by their monogamy and traditional household...why on earth would anyone openly choose that?  I just need to let it go and realize that this is their issue and I'm not willing to take it on or change my life to suit them...if they leave, I'll be sure to wave.

I grabbed my phone and figured it was better to get this over with sooner rather than later, "Hey Karen, one night in NY you're on your own for the evening including dinner".  I knew I wasn't going to get an interrogation because she won't force my hand but I still had anxiety because I feel there will be sadness or judgement behind her response, "ok, I'll find something to do".  Texting allows for me to skip the look she gives me and I've become okay with that because I'm not doing anything wrong...this is her issue.

I started making breakfast because I was feeling pissed off from fighting with people in my head and defending my choices.  Sometimes I make me laugh, I can send myself into a heated argument quicker than anyone else I know.  I realize I have alienated myself from most if not all of our family friends, which by the way are all of Dan's childhood friends, and I know it's for my own emotional protection.  It occurred to me as I was buttering toast that I have started this walk through my own personal hell in an attempt to find my happiness and what's been missing from my life and spirit...and to do it properly I have to do it openly and unapologetically.  There's no point in finding myself if I have to continue to pretend for everyone else.  I've been scared and embarrassed for so long I can hardly wait to shed that weight and just live for me and feel full and happy...it exists...right?

Mastering the Mundane XIII

I woke to texts from Mike and it was reminiscent of when John and I were talking on a regular basis. I still felt angry when I thought about him so I pushed him right out of my head and started my day with Mike.  I have no idea why we are still talking but I like it, he's really interesting and I easily get lost in his stories.  He has been in the entertainment business for over twenty years and has witnessed  some crazy stuff but he seems to be desensitized to it all.  He was getting ready to go and lay on the beach all day, he says it helps him meditate and clear his head.  I imagine this is how he decompresses and copes with his darkness since everyday is a constant reminder of a failed marriage and having no one in his life that appreciates who he is and what he has to offer.  I think that's how darkness works, it's meant to alienate and embarrass you, it keeps you locked away and holds you hostage.  Mike is clearly still a prisoner; talking about it does very little to set him free and I wonder if there is any hope in freeing myself from the small corner mine has me locked way in.

We chatted for hours and I wondered if this is how John would be if he would just destroy the switch.  I tried to picture Robocop openly discussing his own fears and sadness, reaching out for help and being completely vulnerable.  I feel sad that he may never want to release his suffering but there is nothing I can do, he has seen all of my raw emotions and ran scared...there is no way he wants to experience that from the inside.  I find many similarities between Mike and John and I wonder if it's intentional on my part...did I look for a replacement and not even notice?  I started to feel sick because I want to be rid of Robocop and not just find a version of him that will engage with me.  That fucking cop has me so crazy I can barely think straight.  I grabbed my phone and proceeded to text Mike...he has become my new drug and escape.  The beauty of Mike though is that he is open and welcomes that in return, he doesn't run and doesn't appear to play games...but who knows because right now all we do is text.  "Hey Mike, Atlantic City is only an hour and a half from Manhattan, if you get off early one night want to come back and hang out for a bit?"  I have this strong desire to see him, the worst he can say is 'no' and really that's no different then right now anyway.  "I actually thought of that.  I think one day I get off at 4pm so we can do dinner".  I had to catch my breath when I initially read his response.  I am way too excited at the thought of meeting him, it makes me feel guilty.  John wouldn't even cross the street to see me yet Mike, the cop, drove for half an hour with last minute notice for a coffee and Mike, from NY, is considering travelling three hours round trip to meet me and have dinner.  That cop makes me burn on the inside and I still want to punch him in the face.  I need to forget him and I hope my new drug of choice will help me do just that...

Mastering the Mundane XII

I spent most of the afternoon talking with Mike...from NY.  He was spending his days at the beach leading up to Atlantic City; apparently he had a lot of time on his hands during this time of year, too bad he's not off the days I need him to be.  We exchanged numbers and wasted the day away learning about each other.  I told him my situation almost immediately, I like to lead with it so I'm not wasting anyone else's time.  He said the same thing that so many other's have said, "I wonder if my marriage was open if we would have made it".  I can still remember John saying that exact same thing when we were sitting in the police car the night of our one and only date.  Mike shared that he has been going through a brutal divorce for years now and is trying to move on with his life but she refuses to give an inch and he refuses to give her everything.  I started to feel bad for this man and his unfortunate situation, although I'm trying to remember that this is his side and I will never know the other side.  This is how he feels though, he's hurt, lonely, damaged and broken.  He loved her and wanted to give her everything he could.  He shared that they were together almost ten years but the last three of those were complete chaos and the marriage quickly dissolved.  Mike wanted children and the 'perfect' family, he texted me the most beautiful thing I have heard from a man, "I just want to be a man to a son".  My heart ached for him, he wants what most people do and gave ten years with the promise that their life was heading in that direction...and then just as quickly as it was agreed upon, she pulled the plug and no longer wanted children.  Not long after that he packed his bags and left, his dream of wanting to be a father never died and now he is searching for a woman he can have all of that with.  "Mike why is it so important for you to have a family?"  I was curious as to why having his life resemble his friends lives was so important.  "I never had that growing up.  I have a father and mother but they split up just before I was conceived and I was the result of good bye sex".  He explained how he felt like a constant reminder to his father and his step mother that he shouldn't exist, he felt that way his whole life.  Mike spent a lot of his life trying to blend in rather than stand out in his family with the hopes that he wouldn't be a nuisance to them.  His father worked as a corrections officer in Riker's Island for 34 years and compassion was no longer his strong suit.  He was stuck between two houses where he never felt loved or wanted.  Mike just wants to have the family he never had, he wants to experience what it is like to be a father.  I wonder if he looks back and aches for the little boy he was like I do for the little girl I was.  He wants to have the father and son relationship and since he never had it as the son he wants the chance to be the father his never was.  My heart was breaking for this man, I couldn't imagine if my son felt like that.  I could feel the tears stream down my face and I may have sobbed out loud once or twice.

I finally know what is so familiar about Mike...he has darkness.  I could see it or feel it in John and connected to him instantly but he wouldn't let me in or share.  Mike on the other hand can barely hold it in and emotionally we are very similar...neither on of us has a switch, we have to feel everything. Mike is a better version of John...at least for me.  I think my support group just went international...

Mastering the Mundane XI

I booked Karen on my flight this morning and checked off another day, only eight more to go.  I logged onto my profile although I wasn't sure why because now I was going with a friend and wouldn't have much free time.  There were a few messages but the only one I cared about was from Mike, New york Mike, not cop Mike.  "Hi Natalie".  Hmmm, why is he messaging me?  He already knows our schedules conflict and he is unable to get out of his.  "Hi Mike, how are you?"  I was a little giddy because he clearly still wants to chat but I have no idea what he's thinking.  We get along really well, he's hilarious, well travelled, interesting and beautiful...too bad he's not available those days.  I have almost perfected my flirting again; it's not exactly easy when you've been out of the game for a long time and the barrier of only text and email does not help my cause.  I tried my best to problem solve a way for him to come back for just one evening and hang out but was unsuccessful because he wasn't sure of his work hours.  He was a tease and would suggest I go to Atlantic City, but I couldn't because I was no longer going to be travelling alone...and I couldn't even imagine the look on Karen's face if I even suggested such a thing.  We sent a few more messages before I moved on to the other people I thought I may want to meet...I like Mike but there is no point in pursuing someone I can't see right now.  Ugh, everyone else now seems boring and I can't even fake interest in anyone else and it should have been easy especially over the computer.  Now that Karen is coming and Mike can't meet I decided the effort of finding a replacement was tedious so I deleted my profile again and concentrated on the fact that I was still going to New York and I was going with my best friend...plus Karen is hilarious to watch when dealing with real New Yorkers.

I grabbed a coffee and started to send Karen links to shows I wanted to see and restaurants I wanted to go to. I couldn't stop thinking about Mike...there's something about him that is very familiar and I find it comforting, I just can't put my finger on it.  I rehearsed in my head how I was going to get Karen to agree to a day trip to Atlantic City, this was going to take some serious manipulation skills and I'd have to throw in shopping.  I gave my head a shake, I am going to NY not to AC and I am not changing that.  It just doesn't line up with Mike and I'm gonna drop it because there is no point since he would be working anyway.  I could see my phone light up, it was Mike...the cop, the other Mike didn't have my number.  "Good Morning Natalie, how have you been?"  I liked this cop, he is amazing and not typical at all.  "Good morning officer, I am great and just having coffee and planning my trip.  and you?"  He never offered information about John and I never asked.  My dating life has become nothing short of bazaar...and that has nothing to do with me being a married woman that's also dating.  "I'm doing well, just out on assignment".  I wanted to puke because I know John is on his team and is with him.  The anxiety starts to fill my body and there's the realization that I have to let Mike go too because he is far too connected to John and I am not healthy when John is in any corner of my life.  The sadness floods back that I have to cut yet another line to John and it's still so hard to let him go but it's so much more difficult to deal with the constant rejection.  I'll need to have that discussion with him when he gets home, until then I'll just say good bye...it's so unfair to him but what else can I do?

Mastering the Mundane X

I popped out of bed this morning and checked off another day on my imaginary calendar...nine days till I hit Manhattan and I could feel the excitement run right through my body and mind.  I grabbed the computer, a coffee and shared the couch with my pups.  I remember this routine months ago when I first started this process and it made me a little sad knowing I was not much farther along in my journey...and perhaps hadn't really moved at all, but I love this part so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.  I barely thought of John anymore and every day that passed I felt better about myself and deleting him.  I logged onto my profile and started my search for the people I wanted to talk to and hopefully meet.

I sent three messages but all of them were still off line so I decided to continue my window shopping until it was time for breakfast or one of them showed up.  I began scrolling through page after page of profiles and stumbled upon one that really caught my eye.  He was a beauty but not someone I would typically think I was attracted too.  He had two sleeves of tattoos and looked like he was straight out of 'Sublime', his username was 'saltlife' so I imagine he loves the ocean.  What the hell, I have some time to kill and he appears to be online so I'll throw out a hello and see if he wants to chat.  I continued scrolling and a few minutes later 'saltlife' got back to me, "hey, I live in Long Island and only work in the city, when are you in town?"  I thought for a minute and decided that with only nine days to go I don't really have a lot of time so I threw up all my information at once, "I'm in town for five days at he end of next week. I am in a open marriage and just looking to meet friends while I'm in town.  I should be around about once every four to six weeks if you want to get together for dinner or a drink...I'm Natalie".  I felt sick when I sent the message because that is a lot for anyone to hear especially when all I have said before that was 'hi'.  He immediately got back to me, "Sorry Natalie but I'm working the Miss America Pageant in Atlantic City those days...I'm Mike".  Great, another Mike, pretty soon I'll need a spread sheet to know who the hell I'm talking to and from which city.  "Ugh, that's too bad it would have been nice to get together".  We chatted for a bit and apparently his job is too important to quit just to stay in the city and hang out with some woman he has never even met and only said a few words to.   He was really nice and interesting.  There are only a handful of people on the east coast that can do what he does, it's a trade that isn't taught in schools because there are so few of them.  He was brought into the business by his brother in law when he was fourteen years old and started working the US Open.  Now he works for major events like Miss America, Americas Got Talent, all major networks and music events.  I still have no idea what exactly it is that he does but it has to do with being a video tech and making sure the rest of the world can see these broadcasts.  It's cool, I don't know that I have ever had the privilege of meeting a self made man; I like him.  We exchanged emails so we could keep in touch and possibly meet the next time I am in the area.  I never heard back from the other three and almost forgot about them while getting lost in 'salflife'.

It's disappointing that I won't meet him this visit but at least he isn't a cop...I'll call it a win.  I decided to call Karen; I was really excited to start this new lag of my journey but I would feel a little better if she came along just for my first trip.  Karen doesn't agree with how I am working through my issues and has never liked the idea of an open marriage...but she does love the Big Apple so she agrees to come and I agree to be discrete.  I started the coffee and eggs for breakfast.  I grabbed the computer and googled the distance between Manhattan and Atlantic City...it's just over an hour...

Mastering the Mundane VIIII

I was just plating breakfast when Dan came around the corner and into the kitchen.  He smiled and kissed my face, "why did you sleep in the spare room?"  He grabbed us coffee and met me at the table, "I got in late and didn't want to wake you".  It almost sounded stupid; I won't wake him in the middle of the night but I have no issue completely shaking his life up like an etch a sketch.  We talked a little about my visit and football camp, he filled me in on his last few days...and as we proceeded with small talk I wanted to bang my head on the table and I knew he did too.  I can feel the gap between us widening and I worry that if we let it get too far that we may never be able to bridge it.  I pushed my food around my plate and thought hard about something I could say to ignite an actual conversation and not just tidbits of information to fill the silence.


I started to feel my eyes sting from them filling with tears, there is no way I am letting those flow down my face.  I took a deep breath and dove into a real conversation with my husband, "I woke with a migraine last night and couldn't get back to sleep so I went back on the site and changed my location to New York".  He looked up at me and just nodded, "probably wouldn't hurt to have some friends if you're going to be there frequently".  I think I should have felt relieved but I didn't, I felt sad that my perfect marriage had come to a point where we could barely find things to talk about anymore.  I dug deep inside, probably out of desperation and found the only thing I could think of to say, "would you like to close our marriage?"  As the words came flowing out of my mouth I felt panicked and sick because I don't know if we can just close it and I really don't want to stop what I am doing...I just want him to be happy about it.  Ugh, I hate my arrogance and entitlement but it's not leaving and I have to be honest with myself and him because it is all I have left of me.  "No, I don't want to close it.  I think in time things will naturally adjust and it will be the new version of our marriage".  I didn't want to make eye contact because I know if he sees my tears then he will lighten up on me and I don't want that.  "Sometimes I feel scared that we won't be the same or that we won't make it through".  He pushed his plate away and reached for my hand, "our marriage will never be the same but that doesn't mean it will be worse or over.  We agreed long before our marriage that at some point we would be open, we just have to let go and see what happens".  I can honestly say right now that I do not want to end my marriage, I love my husband and if that ever changes I will tell him immediately...I would never steal his life just to have comfort in mine.  Dan once told me that he will always love me and be my friend but he may not always be my husband and for the first time ever I can actually see that it may be a possibility. 


We cleaned the table and he hugged me before he left for work.  I grabbed a blanket and laid on the couch and wondered what life would be like without Dan and everything I have right now.  There was no point in crying anymore because I wasn't going to stop and at this point I had to continue walking through...so much damage done and so little learned, if I stop now it will all be for nothing.  I'm thirty six years old, it's time to find out who the fuck I am...

Mastering the Mundane VIII

I woke in the middle of the night from a migraine.  There is something that's just a little sad when your hangovers come from crying and not drinking.  I popped two Advil and chased it with a bottle of water.  I laid back down and prayed that the work I'm doing is that of a caterpillar and when I emerge I'll be a butterfly; I'm starting to have doubts though because I have no idea if I'm gaining ground or losing my mind.  I am sick and tired of constantly inspecting my life and looking for something without knowing what it is...this is feeling tedious and I feel broken down and deflated.  I need a break from my thoughts, I need a distraction.  I climbed out of bed and quietly crept downstairs to the kitchen to retrieve the computer...it's time to escape.

I pulled the blankets back on and rested against the headboard, took a deep breath and registered to the site again.   This time I was looking to meet people, men, in New York City.  The process is awful and I remember how little I cared about it last time, I also remembered how I lied in certain parts and decided it worked well so...why not?  Let me tell you, online dating in a city with just over a hundred thousand people is easy and it starts to look like a community and support group rather than a place to ignite passion and relationships.  I met so many friends last time I tried this and still talk to many of them over messengers and text.  New York on the other hand was out of control, for the first hour I never came across the same profile twice and there must have been over two hundred thousand people online at any given time.  It is quite overwhelming so I decided to hide my picture and just talk to those I feel I could meet or hang out with while in town.  I was no longer surprised by the amount of cops and firemen on these sites, I stayed away and even made it clear on my profile that I am NOT interested in cops...dear god please don't let any talk to me, I have no confidence in myself to be able to stay away.  Thirty six thousand NYPD...what the hell am I thinking making this my destination.

New York is a whole new ball game, there are actors, artists, musicians and politicians...perfect I can lose days swimming with these fish.  The first guy I talked to had great pictures in his profile and looked interesting, at least I knew we had a common interest in art work.  We chatted for a couple hours about ourselves and his art work, he finally sent me the link to his website to check it out.   This guy is not painting pictures in his basement, he has a full studio in Brooklyn and his art sells for tens of thousands of dollars...he's already made it.  This is a little more intimidating than I remember.  Thanks to my brother Trevor I can at least hold my own when talking art...he has introduced me to a few of his artist friends so i am not completely out of my element.   It's funny how I can climb back into my self when I feel like I lack confidence.  There is no reason for me not to continue this conversation, especially since we have so much in common and get along.  I told him a little about my situation, married, kids, work...blah blah blah.  He is well aware of all the important factors and knows that NY will be my playground about every four to six weeks.  The beauty I have found about so many creative people is that they are so open minded and I feel accepted; probably why I married a musician.

I continued to chat with the artist while I read other profiles.  I wonder if the police and America's Most Wanted scroll through these because I am pretty sure we can start checking people off of the list.    This is great for entertainment purposes and I feel relieved knowing that my addiction will help me get through the next ten days.  I think back to Robert, that poor bastard wouldn't stand a chance on here; I hope he found someone to spend time with.  I made a list of people I wanted to chat with next time and logged off.  Since I was up I wanted to make breakfast for Dan before he left for work, that was the best way I could think of to tell him I was back online.

Mastering the Mundane VII

I got in late last night and put her to bed right away; Dan was already sleeping so I decided to stay in the guest room.  I texted Mike to let him know I made it home safely and say good night, I really like him and hope I get to see him again.  At this point I feel like I am probably just adding confusion to the little clarity I have.  I have to stay focused because I may never get another opportunity to make this journey and to be honest I don't think I have it in me to try this all over again.  I started to think about New york and I have no idea what that will offer me at all in terms of answers to my mess of a life.  I guess my life isn't a mess, it's just me.  My emotions feel like the ball of lights on 'Christmas Vacation'  and every time I try to untangle them I get so overwhelmed I just dive into ignorance and float away from myself.  At this point I would rather seal the door to my darkness then ever have to walk through it; Laura wouldn't agree.  I guess I just don't see the point anymore in digging up the past and demons...to look at them?  Why?  I already know they exist and what they are, how they affected me...so much time has passed and I think it would feel more like a harsh reminder to what I wish I could just forget.  Talking about it will never change it, I can't ever go back and theres no eraser...this is who I am, this is what they created and I am just left with 'having' to love or at least like myself and do the best I can to have some sort of happy existence.  Some things you can never give back and sometimes the path you are on is not the one chosen but I know that I can find my path, I just have a lot of ground to cover before I get there.  My pep talks are starting to sound more like suicide notes and I need to adjust back to the positive.  I think the worst part is knowing who I really am and what I can do and could have done...and the darkness keeps it all locked away...I can see it, but it won't let me have it.  I need to get that little girl out, she is what is missing from me...

Mastering he Mundane VI

I finished breakfast with my son and left a little early because I still have to pick her up from her grandparents and home was five hours from there.  I felt great, almost renewed.  Watching him train and play football was my favourite escape and I could happily do it for the rest of my life, it is the one time that I am fully engaged without a thought of my own.  But I have to be careful, I don't want to be the parent that lives through their children or depends on them to fill a void in myself.  I am so proud of him, he is the perfect son and I love that we have bonded over his love of football.  I hugged and kissed him, threw him some cash and waved good bye; in fourteen years I have never failed to cry when leaving him...there is no point in starting today.

Leann and Christian only live about forty minutes away, but it's the wrong way.  I wonder if Mike would meet at the fork and have a coffee and chat...maybe I can throw up at his feet for old times sake.  What a weird guy, but I like him.  "Hey officer...care to meet for a coffee?"  I threw my phone on the seat and hoped he would respond soon, as awful as it sounds part of me wonders if I only want to see him as a way to stay connected to John.  I haven't talked to him in a long time, at least it felt like a long time.  I wouldn't even know if he was alive at this point, I guess Mike would let me know if anything that bad happened.  I need to let this go because this distraction is no better then my darkness and causes me almost as much pain, anxiety and fear.  My phone lit up and I was a little excited although to be fair I was already in a great mood.  "Hi Natalie, I'll be there in thirty minutes". I looked in the mirror and could see that I was blushing...I'm an idiot.  I got there long before him which only meant I had more time to overthink and make myself sick, it made me think about John and how he would not approve...why would I even care?  I grabbed two coffees and sat at the picnic table out front by the highway.

I barely recognized him when he pulled up in his truck and jumped out without his uniform...of course he's not in a uniform you idiot, he doesn't wear it around the clock.  He is really handsome, I never noticed before; in fairness I was hungover and throwing up two of the three times we met.  "Hi Natalie, happy you had time to meet".  I laughed and shook my head, "would you feel more comfortable if we stood in the ditch?"  He is a very sweet and kind man, I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him.  I wanted to know more about him, I enjoy hearing people tell their own stories.  "What's your deal cop?"  He talked about his children, a son and daughter, his ex wife whom he still is very connected to and works with to raise the children.  I'm starting to see a pattern here among the police force.  I find myself looking for the light in his eyes or the dark...I've become obsessed with this and it almost validates my reasoning for wanting to meet cops.  He's different though, he's gentle and the light never flickers.  Maybe John has just seen more...or perhaps his darkness is more like mine.  We talked a little about our families, work and interests.  He is funny, intelligent, handsome and well travelled...how is this guy single?  It occurred to me at that moment that I never asked if he was single...damn it!  I didn't bother to ask at this point since we are only having coffee and I likely won't see him again, or often anyway.  "Hey you want to go for a drive, I'd like to show you something?"  I immediately thought of my date with John and going to the club house.  I tried not to burst out laughing thinking about him taking me to the same place and telling me I'm the only woman to be in there...twice.  "I don't think I should, I still have to pick up my daughter and head home".  He smiled and I could see all the light in his eyes, it reminds me of Dan...untouched.

He walked me to my car and opened the door.  "Next time you're around and want to get together just text me".  It occurred to me that I have already seen him more than John and he was able to show up thirty minutes away at last minute...so why am I still thinking about John?

Mastering the Mundane V

I arrived at CJ's late last night after visiting with my in laws for an hour and helping her get settled.  CJ was still awake and was glued to his phone so I imagine he was on line looking to fill his weekend.  I threw my things in the spare room and fell beside him on the couch; I loved seeing my brother he has this way of empowering me.  "Have you heard from the cop?"  I had to think about it for a minute, I think he is referring to John and not Mike because I don't think I ever told him about Mike...clearly I have too many cops in my life.  "Nope and I refuse to text him, there's no point unless I want to play his game".  I could see him out of the corner of my eye put his phone down and shake his head; CJ hated John...I wish I could.  It was a long day and drive, I couldn't possibly have this discussion without crying and I'm far too exhausted to get into it, luckily CJ never pushes the issue.  He grabbed us a couple beer out of the fridge and told me about his dating life, he amazes me and I love hearing about his life.

By the time I was finishing my second beer I decided to tell him about Mike...the second cop.  This cop baffled me and I have no idea what his game plan is but I really want to find out, he will be a great distraction from John.  Giving up John feels exactly like an addiction; one day at a time and slowly it gets easier and hopefully you don't replace one addiction with another...in my case one cop for another.  I liked that I could talk to CJ about all of this and never feel embarrassed, he was always on my side and never judges me although I imagine it is difficult for him hear about it when it comes to John.  We didn't discuss him any further, he is in the past and for my own well being and mental health I have to leave him there...at least for now.  We laughed about Mike and the circumstances around meeting him, it was almost too crazy to believe.  CJ cleared the beer bottles and made his way to bad.  I grabbed my tooth bush and started the process of settling in for the next three days.

I was definitely feeling better these days, I was feeling motivated, happy and sane.  When the darkness comes it make me feel crazy and lost, I lose control, feel overwhelmed and it overtakes me...I can't let it back in, not now.  I grabbed my phone and crawled into bed, I have an early day tomorrow but I need a distraction now.  "Hey officer..."  I started to doze off waiting for his reply and I wonder if he has a switch too; I'm playing with fire and the chaos is intoxicating.  There is a brief realization that feeling happy does not take away the darkness, it merely holds it at bay.  I am still self destructing and I think I have to...I'm in a full swan dive...

Mastering the Mundane IV

I woke late and scrambled to get my bag packed and all of her things in order before we left for a few days to watch my son in football camp.  She was going to my in laws and I'll be glued to the field for three days.  I was feeling much better these past few days and wouldn't even dive into my own head and ruin it.  

Watching my son play football is my happy place and has been for several years.  I have watched him pour every ounce of himself into this sport and it is breathtaking when he hits the field.  He has become a driven leader that pushes his limits and expects complete dedication from his team; I have watched him grow into an amazing young man through this sport.  The cards have been stacked against him when it comes to football.  His father and I could not play the politics and that left him sometimes without a voice.  He has depended on his dedication and hard work to show coaches what he can do; that has turned him into one of the most versatile players on the field but because of that he has not been able to perfect just one position.  I have no idea where his inner calmness comes from to not fight with coaches on this issue, but it does not come from his parents.  We laugh and joke that he is most like Dan and just flows like liquid.  I imagine he will have to take a lot of back roads to get to play as long as possible and will not be seen as a lock in any university.  He asked me once if hard work always pays off, what could I say? "Of course it does".  I have no idea if that is a lie but I believe for him it will all come to fruition, but I know in my heart it will be a long road.  I remind him that some of the best athletes in the world were never given scholarships and were undrafted...who am I to say otherwise.  If this is his only struggle in life then I am grateful that it is something he is passionate about, I was never this passionate about anything...or maybe I was but can't remember.  When I watch him take the field there is pride I can barely comprehend let alone explain, I wish I could have given that same feeling to my parents. 

I start to feel overwhelmed trying to organize and make her pick just five toys to bring rather than three suitcases.  She is not having any of my back talk about toys so we compromise on anything she can fit in two small suitcases.  I can see how people can pour their lives into their children and get lost; it's easy to concentrate on others especially those we love and forget the importance of our own existence.  I won't fall victim to this, I love my children but it is not their responsibility to make my life full and happy, one day they will grow up and move on with their own lives...then what?  I was standing in the drive way watching her pick and choose her toys and I all I know for sure right now is that when I am with my children I will give them everything I can.  I love being a mother but there is more to me and I have every intention of finding out what that is...I would hate for my children to disappear when they have their own children, they are significant and important in their own right.  It is not up to my children to define me or make me happy...I've got this!

Mastering the Mundane III

She woke in the middle of the night, I imagine it was nightmares.  I went in to find her sitting in the middle of her bed holding her dragon and blanket, "mama sit?"  I sat beside her and pulled her onto my lap, I was always afraid of the dark and I wanted to rid of that if I could.  People have told me that stroking her hair and humming to her to help her sleep would create bad habits but I refuse to believe in 'one size fits all' for parenting.  Although doing this brings me happiness and a closeness to my daughter I also believe it offers her security and comfort and I want her to have those things.  I laid her down and sat on the floor beside the bed and watched her drift off to sleep.  I remember doing the same thing with my son and it made my heart full knowing that there are things that I have done with both of them.  He used to be afraid of the dark and I tried to tell him one day there was nothing to be afraid of.  He was around six at the time and looked at me with his big brown eyes, "mom I hate being afraid of the dark, don't you think I wish I wasn't".  He was always wise beyond his years, after that very humbling experience I have always done what I could to help my children overcome their fears and obstacles and not just walked away thinking 'they'll figure it out'.  My children are very close to me, especially my son.  I have always nurtured my relationships with my children and have never expected to be loved, cared for or accepted just because I gave birth.  When I think of being a mother it brings me so much happiness, I love my children and amazingly enough I know I would go through it all again to have these two...I try not to feel guilty wondering what it would be like if my life were different.  My existence has become a huge conundrum of loving my life but wanting it to change, having regrets but not wanting to change them for fear of what I will lose.  When I am with my children or speak with them or think of them I know in my heart I am a good mother so please don't tell me differently because I am not yet strong enough to value my own opinion over yours.

I have heard people say that your life peaks around the age of thirty.  I know for a fact that is not true, I had my daughter when I was thirty four years old and she is definitely a peak in my life.  My life is not a single mountain, it is a range and I will have several peaks and with that comes several valleys.  My life isn't declining it is only changing and this may be my least favourite valley but at least I know it leads to a peak.  'Change my perspective and change my attitude'...my new mantra.  Four weeks till New York, I can see the peak on the horizon...

Mastering the Mundane II

My life really isn't awful, in fact it is quite beautiful, full and fun.  I am surrounded by two amazing children and a man who is nothing short of perfect.  I decided to enjoy and take in the ones I love; my emotional crisis does not have to take away every minute of my days and I truly love my family.  The issue has never been if I love them and want to spend time with them, the issue has always been my darkness, lack of direction, hiding from my weirdness and completely abandoning myself and what I want.  After so many years have passed, the sound of doors closing all around me feels overwhelming.  People will tell me that windows open when doors close but I just don't want a watered down version of my own dream.  I'm trying my best these days to change my perspective, to embrace the now and to remember that nothing is forever.  I hope that one day I will feel like so many others behave and portray...whether real or imagined.   My emotions have betrayed me and will no longer tolerate 'faking it'.  I feel empowered these days as I slowly start to look inside and go through the mess of insecurities, fear, shame, embarrassment and loneliness.  My fear is that I will teach and pass this on to my daughter like a disease she has no business having.  I'm committed to doing the work, but not Laura, she will just make me okay with being empty.

I think about John a lot these days and wonder how he deals with it all.  I know we are the same and that's why he plays this game.  I feel like he wants to know what it is like to be him and feel every emotion but becomes overwhelmed, flips the switch and cancels our dates.  The reason I run to him is the reason he runs from me...that's how broken works.  We are different sides of the same coin, only one can be shown at a time while the other remains hidden.  I ache for him every day and hope one day he throws the switch away and is free.

I can hear her take out her legos and play doh; for some reason she likes to play both at the same time.  "Mama play?"  She makes me laugh with her big curls, blue eyes and attitude, "yes birdie, I would love to play".  Maybe it's because I know New York is on the horizon or perhaps it is because I am finally doing work on myself...whatever the reason, I am feeling better and have no issues concentrating on my home these days...but I know nothing is forever...

Mastering the Mundane

I woke a little earlier then usual, I rolled over to see Dan sleeping soundly so I crawled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen.  The next five weeks was not going to be easy but it would be even harder if I didn't change my attitude; I gotta fake it till I make it.  I played with the thought of signing back up to the dating site but I wasn't going back for a while anyway, I guess I could just change location to New York City.  I filed that thought away, I could not spend the next five weeks talking my days away with strangers.  At least three of these weeks I should be able to watch my son in football camps and visit with family; I feel disgusted that I need a distraction because I can't feel pure enjoyment out of being with the people I love most.

I made some coffee and toast for Dan, I could hear him coming down the stairs and I felt relieved to have some company.  Sometimes I feel jealous when I look at my husband; handsome, intelligent, balanced, confident and happy...thank god one of us is for the children's sake.  It amazes me how much this man loves me and continues to love and try and understand me.  There are times when I think I should pack up and leave because I don't think he would ever do it even if he was hurting, but I know that's not true because he is a lot of things but he has never been a push over.  He grabs his coffee and joins me at the island, "well, how was the last weekend of Summer of Natalie?"  It makes me laugh that he is so casual about my nightmare, it's probably why we can speak so openly about everything.  Honesty hasn't always been easy but I imagine my nightmare would be too much to handle if I added lying to the pile.  "It was good but sad, I can always go back and visit".  He nodded and ate the rest of his toast.  "The cop texted to meet and then cancelled again".  His eyes closed and he swallowed hard, I know this is a hard topic for him because John can change my behaviours quickly.  "Are we done with this guy yet?"  I smiled and held his hand, "yeah, I deleted him".  I could see relief all over him.  Dan never dictated or tried to sway my decisions but even he could not hide his anger towards the cop, no one in my circle of friends could.  "Dan I'm afraid to go to New York, what if it's just another dead end?"  He was now standing at the sink across from me finishing his coffee, "it might be but right now you won't see Laura so you have to go and find out".  How much more could one man take?  Everyday I pray for change in myself, I seriously have no idea how people live like this.  I feel irritated that he brought up Laura, I don't like being challenged about that corner of my life and I just want him to see that I'm doing everything I can...but even i know that's a fucking lie.  Right now I am still sliding away and I'm barely doing anything to put the brakes on.  I've shut down and just want him to leave for work because when it comes to 'her' I'll break before I will bend and he is well aware of that.  He grabbed his computer and left for work.  I sat on the couch and felt the anger rise in me when I think of Dan trying to push Laura.  I imagine for him it is like watching an addict refuse a sponsor or detox, but I'm not ready yet.  The anger starts to slide away when embarrassment creeps up from behaving like an entitled brat.

I grabbed my purse and pulled out the paper, "Hey Mike, It's Natalie.  I made it home safe and barely texted".  I really want to know this cops deal with me and maybe it's a great way to escape without leaving for the next few weeks.  I feel like such a loser...four weeks and six days and so far the attitude still needs adjusting.

Changing Directions XI

I woke to a clear head and scared heart.  I love what I have here with my friends, understanding, no judgment, love and respect but I'm no longer a roommate, I'm a wife and mother.  This is no longer a realistic lifestyle for me.  It's scary to think that when I leave, Leann and Christian will go back to their lives and have no complaints and I will go home for a month and then head to New York.  The thought makes me feel excited but there's a fear about crossing off another dead end..then what? Where do I go?  Is life really about going down enough roads that you either finally find one you want to live your life on or you just accept that the life you wanted is now a bunch of dead end roads that are no longer open to you.  How did I let so many years of my own life disappear?  And how was I going to stop the flood gates and not only gain control but then live the life I crave without consequences to my family.

I packed my things and walked into the living room. Mya was snuggling with Christian on the couch and Leann was making coffee.  I'm going to miss these two, they offered me something that was just mine and have been amazing friends on this journey.  I can see Leann tear up and it is a catalyst for my own.  It's time for me to go, she is engaged and getting married soon and if I stay much longer that may not happen. She poured us coffee and we sat at the island, "you know you can come back anytime you want right?"  I just nodded because there was nothing else to say, I knew this door would always be open to me.  We laughed about the previous night and trying to wake and get Christian out of the taxi.  We took a few selfies with him then I kissed his face and pulled on his beard.  It's funny to think back at how I met him and how we became great friends...on line dating has been perfect for me.  I grabbed my bags and walked out with Leann.  "I don't know what's going to happen".  She hugged me and I could feel her tears soaking my shirt, "just call if you need anything".  It was tough to leave, I was comfortable here and now I have to start all over.  I jumped in my car and waved before I changed my mind and wasted the day with them.

I grabbed a coffee, filled my tank with gas and hit the highway.  I made sure my phone was in my purse so I couldn't text and I was doing speed limit; I was not giving Robocop any reason to pull me over...although I imagine I am not even in his thoughts.  I pulled over just outside of town and jumped out, today I would not be throwing up in a ditch instead I'd just be saying good bye.  I looked over and could see the other cop pulling up, I think I may have been hoping for this.  He walked over and handed me a bottle of water, I flashed him a sly smile and accepted.  "I actually don't need this today".  I have no idea who this cop is or why he always stops to talk to me...are we friends?  "Well officer, this was my last visit to your city for a while but I really enjoyed our side of the road chats".   He still hadn't really looked at me and I had so many questions but the answers seemed irrelevant at this point.  "Officer are you going to say something, anything?  Why are you here?"  He finally took off his sunglasses and looked at me, "I'm sorry you won't be back, I've enjoyed this".  Enjoyed what?  Watching me throw up on the side of the road on Sunday mornings...cops really are a rare breed.  "I'll be back it just won't be as regularly, more like once every other month".  I could see him smile and I still have no idea what is up with this guy.  "Maybe next time you're in town we could have a drink".  He handed me a piece of paper with his name and number and walked away, "stop texting and I hope to hear from you Natalie".  I wonder what he knows about me, there is no way all he knows is that I throw up on the side of the road on Sunday mornings like it's my religion and still wants to take me out.  What the hell did Robocop tell him?  It no longer matters because he is gone and so am I.

I jumped back in my car and started counting the towns on my way back home.  There is something so terrifying about knowing that my choices are to either live with sadness and darkness like a person who has just given up and lives for others or I can take a chance and hope that when I come out the other side I still have friends and a family.  I deserve to be happy...right?  I have never once bet on myself and that is just a little sad, I'm going for broke.

Changing Directions X

I could hear Christian peel himself off the floor and he whined similar to Leann in the mornings.  I grabbed some Advil and water and met him at the bottom of his stairs, "any idea where Leann is?"  He walked over and fell onto the couch and closed his eyes, "she took a cab home about an hour before we did".  Thank goodness she left us and not the other way around, I imagine her fiancé came into town early and she ditched.

I sat on the chair beside him and debated telling him about my phone call, I really wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to hear about it.  "Christian I want to talk to you but I just want you to listen and I really don't want feedback".  I could hear him laugh, "Natalie as long as I've known you most people can't get a word in edgewise and I am far too sick to interrupt or argue so go ahead".   In such a short amount of time we had become close friends and I trust and love him like one of my brothers, it makes me sick that I know what good people look like and yet I ache for people like the cop...fucking darkness!  "John called me this morning and told me to move on because he is dating a cop he feels she is more understanding than me".  I could see his eyes open and either anger or sadness rise in his face, I could tell he wanted to talk but I was certain he was not going to start.  "It makes me sad, I don't understand this need he has to push me and make me hurt".  Now I could see him chomping at the bit, here it comes, "I'm happy he told you off, he does nothing but play games with you.  He has no respect for you and uses you for his amusement.  He will never show you what you want and he keeps dangling in front of you to stop you from leaving".  Ugh, my heart hurts and I know he is right but I also know given the chance I'd run to him right now...my addiction is so strong and going cold turkey is going to be a nightmare.  I can feel my sadness coming back and I don't want to deal with it right now, I just want to run farther away.  What a mess.  I have developed an unhealthy addiction to a cop I've seen once, I am living like a single twenty year old and my emotions are only masked from alcohol an marijuana.  I'll try Manhattan and if it's the same then I will go to Laura, but I know if I can keep it together then I can do this.  John is gone and for my own protection I have to make sure he stays gone, time heals all and fuck it because I don't have a choice; I will not ruin my marriage to see what so many others have.  I know in my soul that there are more like John and I, I just have to find one that is closer to my side and doesn't  possess the switch.  I hate him...I wish I hated him.  Christian sat up, he looked at me and tried his best to smile but I know he is really upset with the cop.  He hugged me and made some joke like he always does.  "Lets' go get Leann and head for breakfast at Leo's".  I just nodded, nothing like starting your day in the same place you ended your previous evening.

Leann met us at the pub and it was everything I could do to not fall in her arms and just cry.  She knows when to be strong and when to be compassionate.  We ordered three beers...you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.  We lifted to toast, "to my last weekend with my amigos".  I could feel the sadness all around but it was time for me to find a different path...or a sponsor.  I love my friends and I'm starting to really love myself.

Changing Directions VIIII

When I finally woke up I had no idea where I was, I think I should have been scared but any movement would have triggered nausea.  Hmm, no Mya, water or Advil, clearly I am not at Leann's and I barely remember climbing out of a cab singing 'Sweet Caroline'...dear god please don't let there be any footage of me singing karaoke.  I finally sat up and realized I had all my clothes on right down to my boots, relief washed over me.  I made my way out of the room and almost tripped over Christian sleeping in the hallway.  I stepped over him and made my way to the kitchen for water, apparently he doesn't know that I am accustomed to waking to water and Advil...rookie.  I sat at the table and checked my messages and new pictures that I am sure exist from the previous night.  Where the hell is Leann?

John texted that he was back in town, it was followed almost immediately by an angry text for not replying right away.  Who the hell does he think he is?  I just said good morning and decided to leave it at that since I was far too sick to argue with someone who has a switch.  My phone started ringing and 'Robocop' lit up the screen, he has only ever called me two other times and I want to throw up.  "Hello".  "Hey Irish, how was your night?"  I wasn't sure how to answer because everything felt like a trap with him and I know I cannot recall the events of last night.  "It was good, just a little sick this morning".  He was quiet but that was not new, he's calling for something and there is no part of me that believes it will be good news.  "Spit it out cop".  I could hear him sigh, for a cop with a lot of guns he really is a coward when it comes to confrontation with me.  "I have been dating another cop and I get from her what I could never get from you".  Woah! I had to stand up because I'm pretty sure he did not just say that huge lie that fell out of his mouth.  I had to think about this for a minute, he must mean a relationship and he's right I can never give him that even if he did start showing up for our dates.  I had to know and at the very least I was going to make him say it, "which is?"  There was a long silent pause and I imagined it was the time he needed to come up with some lie that I may accept.  "She's understanding about my life and position".  As I listened to this garbage he was spewing I could feel the heat rise in me and I would have shot him with his own gun if he was in front of me.  I could have accepted a lot of other reasons but this one, this is trash and I know now that he is trying to not only hurt me but break me.  Tears were streaming down my face, I was dry heaving and the world was falling out from under me.  What do I do?  I never want to be the woman that tries to convince others to be with me.  "You should move on Natalie".  That was about the only honest sentence I have ever heard him say to me.  "Good luck cop".  I laid on the couch and cried until everything was gone, it's time to move forward...if I found it in him I will see it in others.  I feel that he is running from me for the same reason I am running to him but he will never let me into that corner of his life...I'm alone again and I'm certain he is too.  I grabbed my phone and did the only thing that would help me move forward...I deleted him...

Changing Directions VIII

I got to Leann's and couldn't get my things out of the car fast enough.  I threw my bags over her balcony and climbed over; she must be in the shower.  Mya met me at the door and was as excited as ever, I started to call her my god dog since she was always glued to me and was an amazing hangover friend.  I grabbed a beer from the fridge and started my friday evening; I knew I was drinking because I was hurt and pissed off and just completely helpless in the whole situation.  Leann came out of her room and poured a glass of wine, she was in a great mood which I was pretty happy about because she allowed me a little more space for self loathing without the bitching.  I looked out the window and could see Christian crossing the field; he worked about a football field away from Leann and work just ended.  I love my friends, they never fail to love me unconditionally.  The three of us have become very close and it's the best feeling when you know and feel you belong.

I let Christian in and grabbed him a beer.  The only issue with having close friends is that you can't hide anything from them, they read me fast and never let up.  I told them about Venice Beach and how excited I was to reconnect with Dan and I told them about my plans to change course and how I would be heading to Manhattan instead of to them once a month.  I could see them look at each other and give the look like they know I am leaving something out.  Christian and I have become great friends but unless he is intoxicated he never challenges me about the cop because I have become like a pit bull when I have to defend my stupidity.  Leann on the other hand could care less about how much she ruffles my feathers, she puts her glass down, "so you and Dan reconnected and you're going to be heading to Manhattan on a regular basis.  So why are you sitting here pouting?" I hate discussing the cop with these two, they act like it's so easy to be logical and move on as if my feelings aren't what is holding me back.  I have no choice at this point because they are staring at me like one of those pictures that will pop out at you if you wait long enough.  "He asked to meet me again then cancelled this afternoon".  Christian had become quite protective of me when it came to John and I could see his face flood with redness; Leann on the other hand jumped out of her seat and was instantly into lecture mode.  I just put my hand up to stop the madness, "guys it's not a big deal, he is under no obligation to see me".  Leann will tolerate a lot when it comes to me, defending the cop is not one of those times.  I may have been slightly intoxicated at this time but it felt like the two of them had rehearsed this part of the lecture as they fed off each other.  I put my bottle down and grabbed a pack of smokes off the table and headed to the balcony, I was hoping after a couple of beer I'd be able to have one without looking ridiculous.  Leann was hot on my heels and Christian was right behind her, it was a little amusing since she did the talking and he stood in the corner just agreeing.  I could see anger in Leann and sadness in Christian; he would never treat a woman the way John was treating me and he struggled to understand why someone like me would ever stay and hope for change that was clearly not coming.  The best course of action for me at this point is to agree because they are not wrong and it is highly inappropriate for me to care so much about someone who shouldn't matter in my life.  One day I won't care about John and his games and he won't be able to impact my thoughts and feelings...but that is not today so I grab another beer and head back out to visit with my friends.

Changing Directions VII

I finished packing my bags and loaded them into the car, I stood in my driveway and felt nothing...like I was emotionally vacant.  I wished I was stronger and better but my hope has always been that this path will help me find the Natalie that is confident and someone that will stand up for what she wants even if it means she stands alone.  I'm slowly learning that it is more important to find my own way in life and that I don't feel comfortable just swimming with the salmon any longer.  I can't help but smile and feel better about myself, finding out who I am has been like being in an unhealthy relationship cycling through the honeymoon and anger phases.  Knowing that I would rather be alone, happy and comfortable with myself over being accepted by others for stuff that could never define me is so liberating.  I have managed to take away the only factor that has ever stopped me from being me...you!  And even as I think it I know that it has quite possibly only ever lived in my thoughts and that no one actually cares how I live my life.  It even sounds crazy to me when I think of all the time I have lost because I just didn't have the confidence to stand out.  It's so easy to blame others then assume responsibility; because if I can blame you then I don't have the control to change.

I grabbed a cigarette from Dan's pack and jumped in the car.  I felt different and I could feel a change in my heart and thoughts; perhaps it was only because I was about to change course and the thought of running away to Manhattan was intoxicating.  I hit the highway and I could feel a new energy, I wondered how I was going to feel seeing John again.  I guess I would have to tell him that my weekends were about to change and I wouldn't be available to see him much...not like I've seen him much anyway.  Speak of the devil, my phone lit up and I could see 'Robocop' across the screen.  My heart jumped from excitement and just as quickly sank, "I'm out on warrants for the evening, sorry Irish".  Either the universe never wants us to be in the same room again or he's lying because this is way too coincidental.  I pulled over and turned off my car.  For a brief moment I wished I actually hit him with my car the night we met.  I grabbed my phone, "whatever cop" and threw it in the back seat.  I lit the cigarette and took a puff, it was immediately followed with coughing and gagging...damn it why can't I smoke when I need to?

I could feel a tear run down my face and I was instantly embarrassed by my own behaviour.  John has done nothing for me so he gets nothing from me now...I wiped the tear and turned up my music, I can't wait to see Leann and Christian and I am done playing John's head games...I hope...

Changing Directions VI

I must have sat there with my phone in my hand for hours; realistically it was about twenty minutes.  I already said good bye to him and he's already cancelled twice and as I go through all this information in my thoughts I can't help but feel excited that he wants to see me.  I typed, deleted and re-typed so many times I had no idea what to say; I'm a little relieved that tone and emotion is lost over a text message.  I wish I liked myself enough to walk away and just move forward, I'm clearly lacking some self confidence and self respect and I hate him for exposing it and taking advantage of it.

John makes me think back to when I left my first husband and slid off the rails with a man who treated me not so differently.  It made me want to puke when I thought of him, he was arrogant, selfish and an all around mean man who took too much pleasure in making others feel inferior.  I really needed to believe John was different and I know it's because I hope that I am different and not walking down the same destructive path that I know will only serve me with regret, pain, guilt and anger.  I remember when I finally got fed up and left him; it was right after I started university and my world was finally looking up.  Once I started to move away from him and build my own life back up I became stronger and better and he no longer had any hold over me...it got worse before it got better but I knew that was never a path I ever wanted to walk again.  I don't want John to be like him and I knew that in many ways he was not but the negative feelings felt very familiar and made me keep going back to the only other man that had a hold over me.  I don't want to make the same mistakes and I worry that all I am doing is trying to convince myself that they are different people and I'm a smarter woman...but I don't feel smarter...I just ignore that voice.

"Sure if you're around and not working then we can get a drink".  I hoped that sounded as casual as I needed it to.  There's something to be said when you crave someone else's approval of yourself over your own...stupid girl!

Changing Directions V

I woke early and immediately felt sad; having my son for a week was always a great time but the morning after he left was like the worst hangover and the house felt empty.  I love hanging out with my daughter, I just miss him all the time.   I crawled out of bed and headed straight for the coffee maker.  I grabbed my computer and remembered that I know longer have a profile but that's okay because today I am booking my first of many trips to New York City.  I leave for Leann's this weekend and I'm really excited to catch her up on all the new changes that will be happening.

Dan came around the corner, grabbed a coffee and sat bedside me at the island.  He knew I was sad and feeling down and for once it felt legitimate.   He moved the computer to look at the screen and I could see him smile, "I think this will be more your speed and will help you appreciate being home more".  For some reason it fell out of my head that this may not be the answer but just another dead end and he seen the smile fade, "just have fun Natalie, no expectations, stop looking and start enjoying".  He truly is brilliant, it's amazing how Dan can say a simple thing and it gives me butterflies and mends my heart.  I thank God everyday for making Dan specifically for me, clearly he was made for me.  I grabbed some bread and popped it in the toaster.  Dan closed the computer and filled up our coffees , "I was hoping you would help me book my trip".  He  flashed me his best smile, "I have it booked for you already".  Of course he did because that is what an amazing spouses do they love and support the other...seriously no one can make me feel worse then Dan and it is completely unintentional.  "Are you heading to Leann's this weekend?"  I just nodded because I felt embarrassed to be excited about New York and Leann.  "Just so you know I am leaving next weekend to a music festival so you will have to be home".  That was like music to my ears, thank goodness he was going out and taking the weekend.  "Sounds great", and it felt so good to say it with a genuine smile and feel real excitement for him.  He kissed me and grabbed his computer for work...everything felt 'normal' and I tried to embrace it.

I could see my phone was lighting up and I hoped it was my son and he missed me too.  "Hey Irish, if you're still coming to town this weekend let's get together".  I felt weak, sad, sick, anxious and scared; I wanted to hit delete but I decided to respond...

Changing Directions IV

The week seemed to pass by effortlessly with the children and as I stood and waved goodbye to my son as he passed through airport security I could feel the sadness waiting to in the wings to assault me.  I immediately start to get anxious wondering how the hell I am going to pass the time for the next few weeks and my heart sinks wishing he never had to fly away from me.  I think about how I would be if he lived with me; would I be able to still be on this journey?  He is such an amazing young man and it kills me to think he is the one thing I got right and that is because I left him in the best possible situation any child could ask for...but it still hurts knowing that brutal truth.  It's funny how some of the things that should lift us up make us feel worse; I wish I could control how I feel.  I could still see him in line and I wonder how he feels inside, my hope is that my darkness is not something that can be passed on but something that is solely my nightmare.  I want to be better and every time I look in his beautiful brown eyes I hope he cannot see into mine.  As I stand there waiting for him to turn the corner to to his gate I reflect on my last few months and know that the next few have to be different and I promise myself that I am going to do this for me...for the little girl who missed out and for my family who deserves the better version of me...I at least owe it to myself to live a life I want and desire.  It feels empowering when I allow myself the time and room to grow and develop because ultimately I am only trying to be a better wife and mother and I am not trying to escape my responsibilities or my life.  The darkness is a part of me so I need a better way to cope with it but for now I still have the band aid so I'll concentrate on the next few weeks with Leann and also booking my trips to New York City.  He waves one last time as he turns the corner and the experience of watching him fly away never fails to make me sob.  He tells me everyday that he loves me even when his friends are around...maybe my guilt actually comes from within...getting rid of my self loathing just moved up the list of shit that has to go.

I walk out to the parking lot and jump in my car, I'm almost liking the woman I am becoming...and guilt can just fuck off if it doesn't agree.