Mastering the Mundane XVI

The discussion with Karen was not as simple as Dan explained.  It turned into a intense negotiation because there was no way she was going to let me go alone.  I agreed to pay for the car, gas, insurance and food; also I agreed that we could outlet shop the entire way there as well as the next morning before we headed back.  I didn't even care because I really wanted to go and I was happy to take Karen because if Mike wasn't what I was expecting then at least I wouldn't be alone and with Karen driving we could be back in Manhattan before the sun set.  Karen has become paranoid about me meeting people and worries that they will hurt me or kidnap me...she has a valid point but I don't even think about it.  I always think if I'm comfortable then it is fine; as if there is no way someone is good enough to pull the wool over my eyes.  I would have an all out fit if my daughter ever thought of doing this and yet here I am crossing countries and setting up dates.  It seems crazy that I don't have the same caution for myself and I wonder if that is 'normal'.  I guess I just assumed that I would meet him in the casino, have dinner and go out for the evening and if he turned out to be someone I'm less than interested in then I can just turn in early or leave.  I'm not afraid because I have the option to leave and there are far too many people around for him to try and stop me.  That being said, I'm so happy Karen is coming along.

Mike is still off work and we have been texting more than usual and I'm embarrassed that on at least two occasions I didn't even change out of my pyjamas before five o'clock.  I almost never think of John anymore and the ache is gone.  Mike is filling that void perfectly and I feel bad because I cling to his darkness and feel I may be taking advantage of his openness.  I'm started to be able to identify the cycles in Mike and I wonder if he sees them too.  He's a morning person like me and is full of energy and needs to be productive, too much down time allows for the negative to visit.  Around mid afternoon is his witching hour and his darkness starts to toy with him sending him into either a depressed state or a bottle of vodka.  Not everyday is like this but the more alone time he has the worse it gets.  If Mike's mind isn't in work or around people then it starts to fill with negative thoughts and memories.  We are so similar right now I can feel his sadness and loneliness, it breaks my heart because he doesn't have a Dan like I do...when he is alone, he is completely alone.  All his friends he has known since childhood are married and have kids then he has his work crew that he only sees during work...his home is empty and too much time there is too much for him.  Mike is the star of my support group; he is so open and raw it helps me reach out...and not to my husband.

I can feel myself changing and it's relieving...the more I look the more I see people like me.  We're taught never to talk about our darkness, to be embarrassed and ashamed and that it is 'personal' and not everyone needs to know.  It's just another way for those that are uncomfortable hearing about it to silence us and continue to keep us in that cage.  Mike knows I am broken and will refer to him and I as "people like us"...I am already more comfortable with him than most people I know.  It feels nice to fit somewhere...Dear God, please don't let him be like John....