Changing Directions X

I could hear Christian peel himself off the floor and he whined similar to Leann in the mornings.  I grabbed some Advil and water and met him at the bottom of his stairs, "any idea where Leann is?"  He walked over and fell onto the couch and closed his eyes, "she took a cab home about an hour before we did".  Thank goodness she left us and not the other way around, I imagine her fiancé came into town early and she ditched.

I sat on the chair beside him and debated telling him about my phone call, I really wanted to talk about it but I didn't want to hear about it.  "Christian I want to talk to you but I just want you to listen and I really don't want feedback".  I could hear him laugh, "Natalie as long as I've known you most people can't get a word in edgewise and I am far too sick to interrupt or argue so go ahead".   In such a short amount of time we had become close friends and I trust and love him like one of my brothers, it makes me sick that I know what good people look like and yet I ache for people like the cop...fucking darkness!  "John called me this morning and told me to move on because he is dating a cop he feels she is more understanding than me".  I could see his eyes open and either anger or sadness rise in his face, I could tell he wanted to talk but I was certain he was not going to start.  "It makes me sad, I don't understand this need he has to push me and make me hurt".  Now I could see him chomping at the bit, here it comes, "I'm happy he told you off, he does nothing but play games with you.  He has no respect for you and uses you for his amusement.  He will never show you what you want and he keeps dangling in front of you to stop you from leaving".  Ugh, my heart hurts and I know he is right but I also know given the chance I'd run to him right now...my addiction is so strong and going cold turkey is going to be a nightmare.  I can feel my sadness coming back and I don't want to deal with it right now, I just want to run farther away.  What a mess.  I have developed an unhealthy addiction to a cop I've seen once, I am living like a single twenty year old and my emotions are only masked from alcohol an marijuana.  I'll try Manhattan and if it's the same then I will go to Laura, but I know if I can keep it together then I can do this.  John is gone and for my own protection I have to make sure he stays gone, time heals all and fuck it because I don't have a choice; I will not ruin my marriage to see what so many others have.  I know in my soul that there are more like John and I, I just have to find one that is closer to my side and doesn't  possess the switch.  I hate him...I wish I hated him.  Christian sat up, he looked at me and tried his best to smile but I know he is really upset with the cop.  He hugged me and made some joke like he always does.  "Lets' go get Leann and head for breakfast at Leo's".  I just nodded, nothing like starting your day in the same place you ended your previous evening.

Leann met us at the pub and it was everything I could do to not fall in her arms and just cry.  She knows when to be strong and when to be compassionate.  We ordered three beers...you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.  We lifted to toast, "to my last weekend with my amigos".  I could feel the sadness all around but it was time for me to find a different path...or a sponsor.  I love my friends and I'm starting to really love myself.