Mastering the Mundane XVIII

After days of laying in my darkness and emotionally draining myself I decided to walk away...at least for now.  I got out of bed, washed my face and made my way to the kitchen to start breakfast.  Mike was already on his way to Atlantic City for the week and I could barely contain my excitement as I counted down the hours.  As I stood there and scrambled eggs I wondered how I was going to reach out and embrace the other side of my life and still hold on to what I have...could Dan really follow me to the end?  John and Mike could give me something that Dan couldn't even begin to understand or relate too and it made me feel conflicted in my heart because I was able to connect with others in ways I could never connect to my husband.  I wish there was a way I could do this and not feel like a selfish bitch but I can't because if I cater to Dan then I will never find what I'm missing; this has to be about me because in the end it's me that is broken.  Imagine spending your existence in misery because you are afraid of how others will view you, your marriage and your parenting skills.  At some point you just have to step into your life and realize that not everyone will move forward with you and that's okay.

I was lost in thought when Dan finally entered the kitchen, he grabbed a coffee and sat at the island.  He looked handsome as ever and never fails to make me feel beautiful.  I have made it a point to touch base with him on my emotions so he never feels left out and he is well aware of the different endings this journey may have.  I plated our food and sat next to him, I always rested my head on his shoulder for my comfort.  "Are you excited for New York?"  Without jumping out of my seat and doing a cartwheel I offered, "yeah, I love New York and I'm excited to go often". He nudged me with his elbow and winked, "I'm happy you are at least able to escape to your favourite place".  Ugh, I wanted to throw up my eggs when he said that, shouldn't my favourite place be my home?  I'm so fucking lost in my life and thoughts I have no idea what I need anymore and at every turn I feel sick for not being 'normal' and content.  I started to push my food around my plate and feared opening my mouth, even when I get everything I want I am still not happy...or maybe I am but feel guilty for it so one cancels out the other.  "Dan is this really okay?"  I could feel him look at me but I wouldn't make eye contact, this was how I perfected not crying during our conversations.  "Yes, our outcome won't change because of this".  I know he is right, Dan and I have always believed that it is better to change the situation then live just out of habit...we do not want to pass time till death, we want to do everything possible while we can.  Being open and honest has spared us resentment and has made us better friends and supports.  Sometimes you just have to shelve the wife and mother and embrace yourself...I will no longer tolerate my identity only being tied to others.  I've thrown out the romantic idea that we all have another half or soul mate, I want to be whole on my own and not look to others to define me...I am significant in my own right and sometimes I want to stand alone.  Dan has become my inspiration, when I look at him I know he is whole and healthy and that he doesn't care what you think...I hope I can graduate to his level one day.

I kissed my husband good bye and ran up the stairs to snuggle with my daughter.  I can feel the light come back to me and I want to enjoy it before I remember the little girl still sitting in her cage.  Twenty four hours till wheels up...