Mastering the Mundane VIIII

I was just plating breakfast when Dan came around the corner and into the kitchen.  He smiled and kissed my face, "why did you sleep in the spare room?"  He grabbed us coffee and met me at the table, "I got in late and didn't want to wake you".  It almost sounded stupid; I won't wake him in the middle of the night but I have no issue completely shaking his life up like an etch a sketch.  We talked a little about my visit and football camp, he filled me in on his last few days...and as we proceeded with small talk I wanted to bang my head on the table and I knew he did too.  I can feel the gap between us widening and I worry that if we let it get too far that we may never be able to bridge it.  I pushed my food around my plate and thought hard about something I could say to ignite an actual conversation and not just tidbits of information to fill the silence.


I started to feel my eyes sting from them filling with tears, there is no way I am letting those flow down my face.  I took a deep breath and dove into a real conversation with my husband, "I woke with a migraine last night and couldn't get back to sleep so I went back on the site and changed my location to New York".  He looked up at me and just nodded, "probably wouldn't hurt to have some friends if you're going to be there frequently".  I think I should have felt relieved but I didn't, I felt sad that my perfect marriage had come to a point where we could barely find things to talk about anymore.  I dug deep inside, probably out of desperation and found the only thing I could think of to say, "would you like to close our marriage?"  As the words came flowing out of my mouth I felt panicked and sick because I don't know if we can just close it and I really don't want to stop what I am doing...I just want him to be happy about it.  Ugh, I hate my arrogance and entitlement but it's not leaving and I have to be honest with myself and him because it is all I have left of me.  "No, I don't want to close it.  I think in time things will naturally adjust and it will be the new version of our marriage".  I didn't want to make eye contact because I know if he sees my tears then he will lighten up on me and I don't want that.  "Sometimes I feel scared that we won't be the same or that we won't make it through".  He pushed his plate away and reached for my hand, "our marriage will never be the same but that doesn't mean it will be worse or over.  We agreed long before our marriage that at some point we would be open, we just have to let go and see what happens".  I can honestly say right now that I do not want to end my marriage, I love my husband and if that ever changes I will tell him immediately...I would never steal his life just to have comfort in mine.  Dan once told me that he will always love me and be my friend but he may not always be my husband and for the first time ever I can actually see that it may be a possibility. 


We cleaned the table and he hugged me before he left for work.  I grabbed a blanket and laid on the couch and wondered what life would be like without Dan and everything I have right now.  There was no point in crying anymore because I wasn't going to stop and at this point I had to continue walking through...so much damage done and so little learned, if I stop now it will all be for nothing.  I'm thirty six years old, it's time to find out who the fuck I am...