Changing Directions XI

I woke to a clear head and scared heart.  I love what I have here with my friends, understanding, no judgment, love and respect but I'm no longer a roommate, I'm a wife and mother.  This is no longer a realistic lifestyle for me.  It's scary to think that when I leave, Leann and Christian will go back to their lives and have no complaints and I will go home for a month and then head to New York.  The thought makes me feel excited but there's a fear about crossing off another dead end..then what? Where do I go?  Is life really about going down enough roads that you either finally find one you want to live your life on or you just accept that the life you wanted is now a bunch of dead end roads that are no longer open to you.  How did I let so many years of my own life disappear?  And how was I going to stop the flood gates and not only gain control but then live the life I crave without consequences to my family.

I packed my things and walked into the living room. Mya was snuggling with Christian on the couch and Leann was making coffee.  I'm going to miss these two, they offered me something that was just mine and have been amazing friends on this journey.  I can see Leann tear up and it is a catalyst for my own.  It's time for me to go, she is engaged and getting married soon and if I stay much longer that may not happen. She poured us coffee and we sat at the island, "you know you can come back anytime you want right?"  I just nodded because there was nothing else to say, I knew this door would always be open to me.  We laughed about the previous night and trying to wake and get Christian out of the taxi.  We took a few selfies with him then I kissed his face and pulled on his beard.  It's funny to think back at how I met him and how we became great friends...on line dating has been perfect for me.  I grabbed my bags and walked out with Leann.  "I don't know what's going to happen".  She hugged me and I could feel her tears soaking my shirt, "just call if you need anything".  It was tough to leave, I was comfortable here and now I have to start all over.  I jumped in my car and waved before I changed my mind and wasted the day with them.

I grabbed a coffee, filled my tank with gas and hit the highway.  I made sure my phone was in my purse so I couldn't text and I was doing speed limit; I was not giving Robocop any reason to pull me over...although I imagine I am not even in his thoughts.  I pulled over just outside of town and jumped out, today I would not be throwing up in a ditch instead I'd just be saying good bye.  I looked over and could see the other cop pulling up, I think I may have been hoping for this.  He walked over and handed me a bottle of water, I flashed him a sly smile and accepted.  "I actually don't need this today".  I have no idea who this cop is or why he always stops to talk to me...are we friends?  "Well officer, this was my last visit to your city for a while but I really enjoyed our side of the road chats".   He still hadn't really looked at me and I had so many questions but the answers seemed irrelevant at this point.  "Officer are you going to say something, anything?  Why are you here?"  He finally took off his sunglasses and looked at me, "I'm sorry you won't be back, I've enjoyed this".  Enjoyed what?  Watching me throw up on the side of the road on Sunday mornings...cops really are a rare breed.  "I'll be back it just won't be as regularly, more like once every other month".  I could see him smile and I still have no idea what is up with this guy.  "Maybe next time you're in town we could have a drink".  He handed me a piece of paper with his name and number and walked away, "stop texting and I hope to hear from you Natalie".  I wonder what he knows about me, there is no way all he knows is that I throw up on the side of the road on Sunday mornings like it's my religion and still wants to take me out.  What the hell did Robocop tell him?  It no longer matters because he is gone and so am I.

I jumped back in my car and started counting the towns on my way back home.  There is something so terrifying about knowing that my choices are to either live with sadness and darkness like a person who has just given up and lives for others or I can take a chance and hope that when I come out the other side I still have friends and a family.  I deserve to be happy...right?  I have never once bet on myself and that is just a little sad, I'm going for broke.