New York State of Mind

I placed all of my luggage by the door and went to make coffee.  I had about an hour before Karen picked me up so I decided to check my email, have some fruit and cry for the last time in my kitchen.  The words of my mother seemed to echo more so these days and I wondered if ignorance would have been bliss for me.  She fails to see that with her as a mother ignorance was not an option.  I have always viewed my mother as the amazing woman she is, she is strong, intelligent, beautiful and one of the most kind people I have ever known.  My mother opened me up to the world and this only made me want to see more, know more and do more.  For as far back as I can remember I have always heard a little voice trying to convince me that I am bound for greatness, I have no idea if that is true but I do believe it was a seed planted by my mother and watered throughout my life.  We are so similar in our quests to find more that she can feel my anxiety and sadness through her own past experiences.  I think it breaks her heart knowing that in the end there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but I can't stop chasing it or looking for it.  I feel like I'm in an extreme scavenger hunt without a list, it's starting to consume me and I just need release...but I don't know what that looks like.

The light came on and Dan joined me at the table, "you're up early".  He smiled and hugged me tight, "I wanted to kiss you good bye".  He's a liar, he wants to reassure me without words that he is fine with me leaving.  "What if this doesn't work?"  He could see my lip tremble and eyes start to water, "then you try something else, you can't live in misery and I'll stay as long as I can".  Sometimes I feel anger towards my husband for being so well put together, I have never once watched him crumble or lose control.  I often wonder if he wished I was more like him so he didn't have to go through this and feel the instability of his wife and home.  He can see and feel me descend into my crazy and  he tries his best to support me but knows the reality is that there is almost nothing he can do for me and right now I'm drowning.

My phone lit up, Karen is on her way to pick me up.  I hugged Dan and moved my things onto the drive way; I could hear him lock the door behind me and he turned out the lights as he walked up the stairs.  I stood in the cold and wondered how many times my mother had done something like this...it didn't matter though because I already knew the outcome and hoped I would not be in my seventies still looking for...well I'm not too sure what I am looking for.